Has a friend, acquaintance, or close family member ever insulted your plans to pursue nursing as a career when you fully expected this person to support your dreams? The purpose of this article is to discuss the crab mentality, also known as the crabs-in-a-barrel mindset.
Anyone who lives in a city where fresh seafood is sold has probably observed that crabs are kept in open barrels. There is no need to keep a lid on the barrel because, as one crab approaches the top, the other crabs will latch onto it and pull it back to the bottom. Thus, all of the crabs meet the same fate.
If we place one single crab in the barrel, it will eventually reach the top, leverage itself out of the container, and find its way to freedom because nothing is holding it back. The lone crab usually escapes, but none ever get away if multiple crabs are in the barrel. Crab mentality is also a metaphor for the human response to self-improvement in others (Porteous, 2010). In other words, when someone is striving to get ahead, take a different path, or improve his/her situation, sometimes others latch on and attempt to hold the person back. These 'crabs' can be anyone in our lives, including longtime friends, neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances, and even close family members such as spouses or parents.
The mentality can be captured with the phrase, "If I cannot have it, neither will you."
Many students experience confusion and mental anguish when the people in their immediate environment do not support their goals. We expect backing from the people who are supposed to care about our futures, but instead we contend with their hurtful comments, mocking questions, and sometimes outright withdrawal of support.
"Nursing school is really hard."
"I don't think you can do it."
"Do you really want to be a butt-wiper for the rest of your life?"
"I will refuse to babysit your kids if you go to nursing school."
"I will not cosign for any student loans if you go through with this!"
Why do people engage in the crab mentality?
Some individuals adopt the crab mentality to thwart the efforts of somebody who desires to succeed in life, because our society is conditioned to believe that another person's success lessens the impact of their own achievements. These 'crabby' individuals often have underlying issues with insecurity, jealousy, or low self-esteem, which leads to their shortsighted attempts to hinder another person's upward mobility. Those who get most bent out of shape about the success of others typically struggle with inner questions about their competence and suffer feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth when others press on to their higher calling (Good, 2009).
If someone in your life has the crab mentality, there are actions you can take to keep your plans from being sabotaged. As a start, do not discuss issues related to school with these people. Sharing your dreams with one who has another agenda or may not have your best interest at heart can be disastrous (Good, 2009).
In addition, you might have to make the painful decision to minimize contact with these people. If we make the conscious choice to improve ourselves, we may also have to make choices about the people with whom we associate (Porteous, 2010).
Good luck to you, and keep climbing to the top of that barrel. Do not allow the naysayers to rent valuable space inside your head.
When my Reserve unit was sent overseas I had nobody to run my business while I was gone. A customer service based business does not last if it has to be shut down for a year. I was not willing to go through the rough times all over again to restart it.
Are you saying then that it wasn't worth it, or that it's worth doing once, but not a second time? Or are you just out of gas? Or out of capital?
As I said, it's nice that you had home equity and a 401k to tap. Most people do not.
"Were people pooh-poohing my efforts while I was building my business?"
You dang straight there were. I bet I heard 1000 times, "Why don't you just give this up and go to work for a local company?" I got this from parents, friends, and my wife at the time. Did people I have known for years make snide remarks about me thinking I am better than they are because they "get a check" or are on food stamps? You bet they did.
Was your wife and family on food stamps? Or, out of the very large number of people who seemed to know about your goals and efforts, are you focusing particularly on those getting government relief? (Will you be using your GI Benefits to pay for school?)
People treat wealthy people differently depending on how they became that way. If they are a celebrity or athlete they idolize them and think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. If they worked their butt off to build a company that employs people then they must be the devil.
Do you really consider earning $250,000 a year wealthy? How do so many people know about your financial details? There are many millionaires about whom no one knows of their wealth. Do you have a Maybach and a Ferrari in your driveway? Do you see yourself as a truly wealthy person? Do you live in a socioeconomically depressed area?
I've worked in high tech, and I've seen a lot of people reach the multimillionaire level. None of them that I know of experienced what you have, in terms of your perception of resentment against you. None of them.
No matter what you do to improve yourself there will always be "crabs" that would like nothing better than to drag you down. It does not matter if it is getting an education, losing weight, or becoming successful financially. I suggest nobody depend on what others think of them. You need to live your life for yourself.
That, finally, is on-topic. I don't know why anyone would surround themselves with people like that, unless they were married to them. Sometimes, however, it's not that others want you to fail in the abstract. It's that they're afraid that, if you improve yourself, you'll be "too good" for them and will abandon them. Have you seen the movie Mean Girls? Remember Lindsey Lohan's character?
Ah the irony. My maiden name is a variation on the word crab and this is truly how they behaved. It wasn't until I moved countries and got married and thus rid of my name that I got rid of that attitude.
Now I realize that your success takes nothing away from me. It doesn't make me any less than I was before you became more. Not one single thing.
are you saying then that it wasn't worth it, or that it's worth doing once, but not a second time? or are you just out of gas? or out of capital?
i was in my mid 40's, out of gas and capital. i returned with two mortgages on my home and no job.
as i said, it's nice that you had home equity and a 401k to tap. most people do not.
was your wife and family on food stamps? or, out of the very large number of people who seemed to know about your goals and efforts, are you focusing particularly on those getting government relief? (will you be using your gi benefits to pay for school?)
i live in a rural area and have most of my life. everyone knows everyone and their business.
do you really consider earning $250,000 a year wealthy? how do so many people know about your financial details? there are many millionaires about whom no one knows of their wealth. do you have a maybach and a ferrari in your driveway? do you see yourself as a truly wealthy person? do you live in a socioeconomically depressed area?
i do not consider $250,000 even close to wealthy. why does so many in government?
i've worked in high tech, and i've seen a lot of people reach the multimillionaire level. none of them that i know of experienced what you have, in terms of your perception of resentment against you. none of them.
why would you see it unless it was directed at you?
that, finally, is on-topic. i don't know why anyone would surround themselves with people like that, unless they were married to them. sometimes, however, it's not that others want you to fail in the abstract. it's that they're afraid that, if you improve yourself, you'll be "too good" for them and will abandon them. have you seen the movie mean girls? remember lindsey lohan's character?
i have not seen that movie. not only am i not a lohan fan that is not my type of movie.
Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.
I don't know why anyone would surround themselves with people like that, unless they were married to them.
In my case, my parents were the 'crabs.' I was 18 years old, had just graduated from high school, and had been accepted to three regional state universities, but they did not want me to attend for multiple trumped-up reasons: "You're not ready." "You're not good at math." "What are you going to do at college?"
They refused to provide any financial information for the FAFSA, which is their right. They also actively discouraged college and were really obstructing my dream of going to school. I would have been a first generation college student because they had never been to college, and I have no siblings.
My parents strongly encouraged me to remain at dead-end jobs (grocery store cashier, factory worker, etc.). I was not able to thrive and follow my dreams until I moved out of their house. Removing myself from the negative environment did the trick.
The bottom line is that a crab can be someone very close to you. Although these crabs love you, they're unsure of their own inner competence and secretly have low self-esteem, so they subconsciously try to hold their striving friend or family member back.
Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.
This article explains why we get so many people saying "nobody likes me since I started nursing school" and asking "why has their attitude changed?". It seems to be such a constant foible of human nature, most likely the people who give this attitude to the person attempting to break the bonds that have held them back don't always understand it themselves.
. They also actively discouraged college and were really obstructing my dream of going to school. I would have been a first generation college student because they had never been to college, and I have no siblings.
My husband's parents were like that flat out told him "Mexicans" don't go to college and his life was to work until he died.
My parents strongly encouraged me to remain at dead-end jobs (grocery store cashier, factory worker, etc.). I was not able to thrive and follow my dreams until I moved out of their house. Removing myself from the negative environment did the trick.
My parents were slightly different they held me down by not letting me do what I wanted and funneling me into their dream; a pipe dream at that, that I was totally unsuited for. Whenever I tried to persue my dream which at the time was fashion design something I DID achieve once I broke free was "what are you going to do with THAT? Sew clothes in a factory?"
So I did what any sane person should to packed all my stuff up and moved far far away to live relatively happily ever after.
This article explains why we get so many people saying "nobody likes me since I started nursing school" and asking "why has their attitude changed?". It seems to be such a constant foible of human nature, most likely the people who give this attitude to the person attempting to break the bonds that have held them back don't always understand it themselves.
The whole process of prenursing / nursing seems to foster an attitude of every man for himself. I'm currently back in that environment and am being actively discouraged by others to help those that are struggling even though it takes nothing away from me.
Thank you so much for this....I experienced so much of this crab in a barrel mentality since deciding to start school, especially with my choice of doing an LPN program instead of going straight for my RN...you do not know how inspiring this is to me...thanks again...
Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.
The whole process of prenursing / nursing seems to foster an attitude of every man for himself. I'm currently back in that environment and am being actively discouraged by others to help those that are struggling even though it takes nothing away from me.
I know what you're talking about. I'm trying to learn the art of being quietly stubborn. I just don't attempt to explain myself or even confront their crap attitudes. I just look at them and then go on with what I was doing. :)
Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.
Did you mean that someone will say "I will not co-sign for a loan" does so to hurt the feelings of the target as oppose to stating it because he/she is honestly concerned that he/she will he asked to cosign a loan? If so, I disagree that a person who refuses to co-sign on a loan is jealous and hateful.
I'm mostly referring to the many parents who have agreed to help pay for the educations of their college-age children.
Many parents willingly cosign on their children's student loans, especially in middle-class homes where young adults are expected to attend college. However, they will threaten to withdraw all support and refuse to cosign for any student loans if the young adult chooses a major or concentration that the parents dislike or disapprove.
Some parents view careers such as law, medicine, business, engineering, or technology as acceptable and desirable. Anything else is not worthy of their backing. Unfortunately, many young adults who depend on parental money are also forced to follow the dreams of their parents.
Now, if the child wanted to attend a prestigious university and spend $100,000 in tuition to major in something like religious studies or American literature, I can see why the parents would put their feet down and outright refuse to support the venture.
My graduating class had a lot of crabs. It was a slap in the face to realize these "friends" were trying to drag me down once I got a job before they did. I have since removed these people from my life, and am much happier as a result!
The parental thing is a double whammy nowadays. Too often parents encourage their children to be dependent on them but leave them without choices which the makes them more dependent.
Tragically Hip
267 Posts
Are you saying then that it wasn't worth it, or that it's worth doing once, but not a second time? Or are you just out of gas? Or out of capital?
As I said, it's nice that you had home equity and a 401k to tap. Most people do not.
Was your wife and family on food stamps? Or, out of the very large number of people who seemed to know about your goals and efforts, are you focusing particularly on those getting government relief? (Will you be using your GI Benefits to pay for school?)
Do you really consider earning $250,000 a year wealthy? How do so many people know about your financial details? There are many millionaires about whom no one knows of their wealth. Do you have a Maybach and a Ferrari in your driveway? Do you see yourself as a truly wealthy person? Do you live in a socioeconomically depressed area?
I've worked in high tech, and I've seen a lot of people reach the multimillionaire level. None of them that I know of experienced what you have, in terms of your perception of resentment against you. None of them.
That, finally, is on-topic. I don't know why anyone would surround themselves with people like that, unless they were married to them. Sometimes, however, it's not that others want you to fail in the abstract. It's that they're afraid that, if you improve yourself, you'll be "too good" for them and will abandon them. Have you seen the movie Mean Girls? Remember Lindsey Lohan's character?