Cancer Made Me a Better Nurse

"You have Breast Cancer, it is aggressive but we have very effective treatments." I was 31 without ANY family history of cancer, how could this happen? I began to grieve, I became angry, sad, strong, and defiant all at once. The Nurse/Patient relationship just took on a new meaning.

I have been a Nurse for five years, I love it. I work in a skilled Nursing facility, and I am a summer camp Nurse. Those are my two loves.

Part of my job as a Nurse in a skilled Nursing facility is to give sad news, the other aspect is to be a Nurse to rehabilitation patients. We have hospice patients as well as many geriatric patients, so the sad news tends to be related to advising a family that a loved one is moving towards death. Our rehabilitation patients typically have a goal of returning home. They participate in PT, OT, and ST, all in an effort to regain their strength. The largest hurdle here is pain control. Surgery hurts, PT and OT hurt, and pain control is vital to a patient's success.

I was a relatively healthy 31 year old female. I took a prozac a day and lamotrigine to manage my Bi polar sub-type II disease, it worked very well and I had been stable for years. I took a BP pill, but I am active, 5'6 and 132 pounds, so weight loss was not going to manage this case of hypertension. I was working as a Nurse, living life, having fun, so I considered myself fortunate.

It was June 19th of 2014, just about three weeks prior my 32nd birthday, when those three words fell into my life "You have cancer." I felt a lump in my breast in early spring, so I went through all of the steps a patient normally would when they suspected a problem. I suspected a problem, but not Breast Cancer. I was diagnosed with Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma. It was a nuclear grade of 3, 1.7 cm, and was ER+ PR+ and Her2+. I had an aggressive type of breast cancer, but I had zero family history. No explanation, no faulty DNA or genes, it was just a fluke. I began to grieve, I became angry, sad, strong, and defiant all at once. My life, my plans, what would become of them? My risk of recurrence was high, would I accomplish my dreams? Would my husband be able to handle this? What would I do? I made choices regarding my care. I saw specialists, attended support groups, and armed myself with information related to a disease that I was not accustomed to.

I made the choice to have a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, and afterwards I would begin chemo. I went through surgery, and recovered well. I had a Bard port a cath placed for chemo, and I shaved my head prior to my first cycle. I also gave myself a pink mohawk, because when have I ever had a chance to do that?!

For the first time in my life I understood what surgical pain felt like. I grasped it's intensity, it's hopelessness, and it's ability to be relieved. I experienced having a foley catheter post surgery, as well as it's removal. For one day I was unable to place my hands in a position to wipe my own butt. It was a humbling experience to feel that vulnerable, to NEED that help. I took more colace those weeks than I ever had my entire life, yet I still ended up with an impaction. Yes, I handled that myself. It sucked, but I experienced it. Chemo left me nauseated, unable to work, and further dependent on people to care for me. The Oncologist said that he had never seen someone as young as myself have such a reaction. My hemoglobin went down to 5.2, I earned my first blood transfusion for that. I still have my armband. I quit chemo after 4 of the planned 6 rounds due to poor quality of life. I also quit Herceptin 8 months into a 12 month plan. I found a new Oncologist whom I felt was more supportive, and she is amazing.

I returned to work 2 months ago. I saw the healthcare world through a Nurse's eyes and a patient's eyes. I have experienced both worlds. I have an intimate understanding of what pain control does for quality of life and healing. I no longer look at a narcotic card and occasionally think "Wow, that is a high dose." I took that dose, maybe even more sometimes. I have an intimate understanding of vulnerability, losing the ability to care for ones self, and grieving the possibility that life may not turn out how I had hoped. Giving bad news comes with slower, more thoughtful words. I know what it is like to hear bad news, and the way it is relayed matters more than I have ever known. I have experienced pain, loss , sickness, and the need to make my wishes known in the event that I cannot do so. I truly understand quality of life over quantity.

I offer the voice, touch, care, and compassion of someone who has been through hell and back. I am a better Nurse because I have experienced what a patient has. I have had the ultimate Nurse/patient relationship.