Buying a bathing suit

[gwenith, BSN, RN]

Apparently a true e-mail a woman wrote to her friend after shopping for a bathing suit .... (Only gals would understand this)

"I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and

humiliation known as buying a bathing suit.

When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice - she can either front up at the

maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill

department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting

room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.

The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give

the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted

those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out

rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to

work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh There you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit... I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of

masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish

in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I

thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted... a two piece affair with shorts

style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome.

When I got home, I found a label which said "Material will become

transparent in water."

[gwenith, BSN, RN]

Apparently a true e-mail a woman wrote to her friend after shopping for a bathing suit .... (Only gals would understand this)

"I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and

humiliation known as buying a bathing suit.

When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice - she can either front up at the

maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill

department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting

room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.

The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give

the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted

those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out

rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to

work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh There you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit... I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of

masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish

in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I

thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted... a two piece affair with shorts

style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome.

When I got home, I found a label which said "Material will become

transparent in water."

[jnette, ASN, EMT-I]

OMG, that is just toooo funny !!!

That dang lycra ! And for those of us who have "nary or naught" on top, it makes things even worse ! What little you might have had, suddenly vanishes and becomes one with the materal !

My next bathing suit will come from the specialty stores.. the ones geared to the women who have had bilateral mastectomy.

[jnette, ASN, EMT-I]

OMG, that is just toooo funny !!!

That dang lycra ! And for those of us who have "nary or naught" on top, it makes things even worse ! What little you might have had, suddenly vanishes and becomes one with the materal !

My next bathing suit will come from the specialty stores.. the ones geared to the women who have had bilateral mastectomy.

[nursedawn67, LPN]

This is so cute and yet so true!!! LOL

[live4today, RN]

HA! Me shopping for a bathing suit in the first place would be a laugh and a joke! :chuckle Sooooo hilarious! :chuckle

[altomga, ADN, BSN, MSN, DNP, RN, APRN]

This was just tooooooo funnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyy......flip side is that it is sooooooooooo TRUE!!!!

Gosh what I wouldn't do for a body that hadn't been havocked by 3 pregnancies.....boobs that were where they are supposed to be..not at my knees!!!!

Oh well, those little teenie weenies will hopefully get theirs in the END>>>>>>:):):)

Thanks though, I needed this laugh!

[mageean]

That is the best thing I have read today! I am now attempting to visualize it.

[MandyInMS]

:chuckle Thanks for the laugh gwenith...man, I can soooo relate to that story..lol

[Katnip, RN]

Oooh thanks for the laugh. Lol it's so true it's scary.

[petiteflower]

OMG

I LAUGHED UNTIL I HAD TEARS.

[Tilleycs]

Ah, the many joys of being a man...pair of shorts = bathing suit! Woo hoo! Who could ask for more? :)