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Breakdown at work

Nurses   (788 Views | 16 Replies)

Orion81RN has 7 years experience .

8,584 Profile Views; 863 Posts

I'm not asking for any medical advice. I just can't hold this all in to myself. Im having a breakdown at work and can't stop crying. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety that seems to be getting worse. I've been hanging on by a thread, and now feel like I can't hang on anymore...except that I feel like I have no other choice. I can't take off work. I work private duty on a case that the family are not trained to care for the pt. They refuse to. Even though they are on the 485 as trained caregivers probably so the company can get away with accepting the case. There are only 2 of us day nurses trained for him. I can't financially afford the repercussions of taking time off.

I've already been just pushing through this and don't know what to do bc i feel like i can't push anymore. I'm not having any si. I just feel like i can't face the world...at least work anyway. I hate hate hate this case so very very much. Been here 1.5 years, but anxiety paralyzes me and keeps me from being able to do another case. I am screaming in my head for my pt to shut up, hearing his nasty secretions in his mouth bc refuses robinul. but I promise THIS IS NOT ME!!!! This is not who I am! I am caring. I am kind. I am helpful. I'm not an *** who is bothered by patients, but i am cringing inside and hating to my core being here, but this is not who I am. I'd be horrified hearing another nurse say that about their patient. I am frozen with anxiety as to finding a different case. I feel completely hopeless.

Edited by Orion81RN

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Orion81RN has 7 years experience.

863 Posts; 8,584 Profile Views

I'm trying to text my husband and he said

"Tons of ppl hate their job or are miserable in their job dear. You're not alone. We just need you to try and be strong and find a way to get thru the day. Quitting CANT be an option." 

I snapped saying I didn't say anything about quitting!!!!!

And THAT'S my support system.

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47 Posts; 1,096 Profile Views

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. In addition to talking to a counselor, which sounds like it could be really helpful, Why not Orient to another case? It doesn't mean you have to take another case, But if you see that there are much easier cases that would be much less stressful, perhaps that anxiety will diminish and you can move on to a case in an environment that better suits you. I find overnight, stable, pediatric feeding tube patients to be pretty low stress, usually.

Edited by Miss.Jersey

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Orion81RN has 7 years experience.

863 Posts; 8,584 Profile Views

24 minutes ago, Miss.Jersey said:

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. In addition to talking to a counselor, which sounds like it could be really helpful, Why not Orient to another case? It doesn't mean you have to take another case, But if you see that there are much easier cases that would be much less stressful, perhaps that anxiety will diminish and you can move on to a case in an environment that better suits you. I find overnight, stable, pediatric feeding tube patients to be pretty low stress, usually.

Thank you. My case is very easy, actually. I tell myself all the time I need another case...and I've tried. I backed out of the other cases when I tried. Had a full blown panic attack on my way to another case and called in. My severe anxiety is what keeps me from trying another case. As far as counseling, I don't currently have insurance. It will kick in next month though.

My old psychologist was great, but it honestly didn't help me and majorly stressed me out squeezing it into my schedule. I quit counseling. I saw her off and on for 2 years. I felt like she was pushing me too hard. I was trying to just keep my head above water. Keep my job and not quit and move back in with my MIL and completely escape from the world. Meanwhile she was pushing me to take on more and more. Like here I am trying to not just quit my job and she wants me to pursue another degree. I just hide my depression way too well. Even from her.

 

I stopped taking my antidepressants over a year ago. I tried starting it up again, but it was doing absolutely nothing, so I stopped again. I need to try something else.

 

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1 minute ago, Orion81RN said:

Thank you. My case is very easy, actually. I tell myself all the time I need another case...and I've tried. I backed out of the other cases when I tried. Had a full blown panic attack on my way to another case and called in. My severe anxiety is what keeps me from trying another case. As far as counseling, I don't currently have insurance. It will kick in next month though.

My old psychologist was great, but it honestly didn't help me and majorly stressed me out squeezing it into my schedule. I quit counseling. I saw her off and on for 2 years. I felt like she was pushing me too hard. I was trying to just keep my head above water. Keep my job and not quit and move back in with my MIL and completely escape from the world. Meanwhile she was pushing me to take on more and more. Like here I am trying to not just quit my job and she wants me to pursue another degree. I just hide my depression way too well. Even from her.

 

I stopped taking my antidepressants over a year ago. I tried starting it up again, but it was doing absolutely nothing, so I stopped again. I need to try something else.

 

Sounds like your anxiety is out of control. Im glad you'll have insurance that covers counseling next month. When I had insurance issues and wanted to seek counseling I was able to find a counselor who gave Uninsured patients a discounted fee ($20 a visit) with a master's educated counselor who was getting her clinical hours in. I think it was a great move. I would call around and ask if I were you. Sounds like CBT is in order. Anxiety can be so debilitating. Best of luck to you!

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Orion81RN has 7 years experience.

863 Posts; 8,584 Profile Views

16 minutes ago, Miss.Jersey said:

Sounds like your anxiety is out of control. Im glad you'll have insurance that covers counseling next month. When I had insurance issues and wanted to seek counseling I was able to find a counselor who gave Uninsured patients a discounted fee ($20 a visit) with a master's educated counselor who was getting her clinical hours in. I think it was a great move. I would call around and ask if I were you. Sounds like CBT is in order. Anxiety can be so debilitating. Best of luck to you!

I really appreciate your comment. Thank you.

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TriciaJ has 39 years experience as a RN and specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.

12 Followers; 3,483 Posts; 35,971 Profile Views

I really hate to hear about the stuck spot you're in.  I hope you can impress upon your husband that this isn't a matter of hating the job you're in.  You are actually having severe health problems that are affecting your overall level of functioning.  That's not hating your job.

Can you think of something you can do (or a thought to hold onto) right this minute that will take some of the edge off?  Do you have any sick days at all you can use just to give yourself some time to regroup?

Can you reframe your current work experience to make it more tolerable?  Activate some sort of autopilot mode so you're less affected by what happens at work?

Can you make a list of all your stressors big and small and pick one little thing to alleviate now?  I wish I had more to offer, but for now, virtual hugs.

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WestCoastSunRN has 20 years experience as a BSN and specializes in CVICU, MICU, Burn ICU.

1 Follower; 443 Posts; 4,935 Profile Views

This is a tough situation and it's really hard to have so much responsibility when you are struggling with high anxiety.  I believe you can get help for this and it sounds like you are doing the right things in being proactive towards that.  

Do you currently have medical insurance where you can go to a provider to address your medication?  Or do you have to wait til next month for that also?  

It would be great if you could go ahead and book appointment with a mental health provider so that when your insurance kicks in you already have an appointment. 

In the meantime, do you have a good friend/mentor or someone who you could be super honest with and share this with?  Is your MIL that kind of person, but you just haven't been honest with her so she doesn't realize she is adding to the stress?  Sometimes we unintentionally alienate ourselves from people/resources that we most need.  It's really hard, though, to be open and vulnerable about our needs and weaknesses.  You are showing courage just by coming on this forum - it might be just the right first step to you getting the IRL support you need now.  

Hugs to you.

 

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5 hours ago, Orion81RN said:

but I promise THIS IS NOT ME!!!! This is not who I am! I am caring. I am kind. I am helpful. I'm not an *** who is bothered by patients, but i am cringing inside and hating to my core being here, but this is not who I am. I'd be horrified hearing another nurse say that about their patient.

Give yourself a break from this ^ thinking. We all know that feeling fed up with and disgusted toward one's patient is not what we are striving for here and long-term it is certainly not acceptable. But stop beating yourself up anyway. (((Just stop. Breathe))). Things are worse right this moment because you are having a difficulty *and* you are despising yourself for the difficulty you are having. That isn't fair. We can all trust that you aren't an uncaring nurse who hates your patients, and you also know that isn't who you are. Nurses are not perfect. You don't have to feel any way right this second, just maintain professionalism but drop the guilt regarding the internal difficulties you are having. This will take at least some of that huge burden off of you for just a moment and help your thinking.

💚

 

 

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On 2/8/2020 at 10:50 AM, Orion81RN said:

Thank you. My case is very easy, actually. I tell myself all the time I need another case...and I've tried. I backed out of the other cases when I tried. Had a full blown panic attack on my way to another case and called in. My severe anxiety is what keeps me from trying another case. As far as counseling, I don't currently have insurance. It will kick in next month though.

My old psychologist was great, but it honestly didn't help me and majorly stressed me out squeezing it into my schedule. I quit counseling. I saw her off and on for 2 years. I felt like she was pushing me too hard. I was trying to just keep my head above water. Keep my job and not quit and move back in with my MIL and completely escape from the world. Meanwhile she was pushing me to take on more and more. Like here I am trying to not just quit my job and she wants me to pursue another degree. I just hide my depression way too well. Even from her.

 

I stopped taking my antidepressants over a year ago. I tried starting it up again, but it was doing absolutely nothing, so I stopped again. I need to try something else.

 

The only thing that has ever helped my anxiety was taking Effexor. Stops it cold. Perhaps you could talk to your doctor about taking this medication? I wish you all the best.

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pixierose is a BSN, RN and specializes in Neuro-ICU, psych.

749 Posts; 8,308 Profile Views

Aww, OP - just wanted to give some (((hugs))). Give yourself credit; untreated anxiety and depression is awful. You’re still hanging in, you recognize it. It’s like any other health problem - just harder to see with the naked eye.

You’re not alone. Nothing really to add from the pp’s except to give you more love and compassion.

Edited by pixierose

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Orion81RN has 7 years experience.

863 Posts; 8,584 Profile Views

Thank you everyone so much for your replies! I was able somehow to keep my head above water Saturday. I'm going to not wait til I can get in to a psychiatrist and go see my primary and pay out of pocket. 

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