Boyfriend and school?

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Ughh. Okay, so my nursing inspiration is at 100% now! :) But I am having a MAJOR road block. My boyfriend and I recently started dating and but we moved very fast, very quickly. I love him :redbeathe. He does NOT understand school work. I go to school full time (15 credit) full of pre-reqs and I am a candy striper AND starting a CNA course (hopefully!). He gets angry when I don't pay enough attention to him, if we don't talk on the phone enough, or we don't do 'stuff' enough. We both still live with our parents, and he has a part time job and is thinking about joining the army in August. I don't drive so currently he is very PO'ed at me for having to drive to get me. Well SORRY! :uhoh3: Does your boyfriend/significant other get so angry and threaten to break up with you JUST cause you want to go to school to get a job to be able to drive, get an apartment, and raise a family. I am trying to do the best for us! I am also always freaked that I will get pregnant so I want to get as much school done now as I can. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and we will be together forever but I don't know what to do.

Why are you even talking about babies at all???????????????????

You are 16 for the love of all that is holy, let your body finish maturing before you have any kids of your own.

I had my first baby when I was 20, I'm now 33 and JUST getting the time and money to go back to school. Babies throw up huge roadblocks to dreams, why take that on now if you don't have to?

Also, I was a Marine wife for 8 years, if your boyfriend goes in the Army and you go with him, you're not likely to finish school the way you have planned. It's very hard to do that when you're moving every 2-3 years with very little warning as to where.

You can say how wonderful this guy is all you want, but from your description of his actions, he isn't. Further, you KNOW he isn't. If you thought he was TRULY wonderful, your post would be full of all the fun and wonderful things that 16 year olds do when they are dating.

Leave him now, focus on the wonderful plan you have to build yourself a great life. You don't need a guy, I promise. Being successful and happy is the best way to find a really great guy when you're ready.

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Specializes in Geriatrics, Pain, End of Life Care.

stick with nursing and dump the dude

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I was 16 and so very in love with a man who recently separated from the USAF (so I guess he was ~ 21 yo). We were both Roman Catholic and I was attending a Catholic HS - as a senior and still a virgin. That was 1978-79. My mother was concerned and told me that a 16 yo couldn't know what love was. This man was not controlling...but having served in the USAF himself strongly discouraged me from accepting a pilot slot in the USAF and also encouraged me to do my 4 and get out.

I know how you feel. However, like others, I advise caution and patience. I did accept a USAF scholarship and attended a fairly local school (which in NYC means that not having a car is no big deal!). By the time I was 19, I realized that my dreams weren't his dreams. I left him behind and finished college and received my commission as a USAF Officer! :D

I have 3 daughters and 2 sons. My youngest is older than you. I have watched them make some serious mistakes in relationships.....and recover. Life is long. Life is hard. I remind my kids that I survived because I had a college education! I may have been a single mom of 5 teenagers, but we had a brand new home (just built), we had a kitchen full of food, cars in the driveway, multiple TVs, VCRs, video game machines and computers!

Right now my oldest 4 are in college(2 having served AD Army) and so am I (Nursing school of course).

Don't rush life. Get birth control (all my girls are on the pill). Finish college. And honestly, take a serious look at this man. Divorces are rough. Even tougher when there are kids. Far tougher if you don't have a way to support you and yours.

Good luck!

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For God's sake-

This boyfriend is not "awesome". He's angry, manipulative, and wants to keep you in your place and control whether you work and/or go to school. Sounds real awesome.

Grow up.

*You are scared you are going to get pregnant? Stop having sex or get on a reliable birth control. Simple. It would be the height of irresponsibility to bring a child into this world under your circumstances. You will simply become a statistic. A single mom with a child who has an absent father. You will struggle to get through school, to manage to earn enough to pay rent and child care. You think this guy will pay child support? Think again.

*He doesn't want you to go to school? Tell him you are going to school, and if he doesn't want to support it, fine. Dump him.

*He doesn't like driving you? Learn to drive, ride a bike or the bus, walk, or get a ride with someone else. Frankly, I wouldn't want to have to play chauffeur to someone who has multiple commitments each day. How is he supposed to work, go to school, or do anything productive if he is supposed to be at your beck and call?

You say you have an 8 year plan? Well, I call bullsh&t. You aren't committed to it in the least if you are even considering maintaining a relationship with someone who is like your boyfriend. Sorry all this sounds harsh, but it sounds like you need someone to give you a virtual slap in the face and wake you up. You are on a fast train to no where as it is, unless you dump this guy or have the maturity to stand up to him and he grows up. You're in love? It sounds like you have self confidence issues and get off on being bossed around and dominated. No one who loves and respects you would treat you like that. Start loving and respecting yourself, and expect it from others. You are worth it.

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Specializes in Home Care.

Dump the boyfriend, from what you wrote he's not supportive and is just creating drama in your life.

Concentrate on school, there's plenty of time for boyfriends later on.

The number one person in your life is yourself. You are the only one that can make yourself happy. Do what is right for you....school.

I should add that at 19 I thought I was in love with this great guy. I got pregnant and he was gone. I never received child support from him, I raised that baby on my own with little support from my family. I couldn't go to college, I had to work to support my family.

That baby is almost 28 yrs old. I'm now in college...

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Specializes in being a Credible Source.
...something that I noticed in your post is an undertone of him being angry with you. He's mad if you're studying, mad if you don't pay him "enough attention", angry when he has to drive you places. And then he threatens you with breaking up over you going to school to better your life!?! In my experience, once one partner starts threatening to leave, it's over. You've crossed a boundary and the relationship will not recover without professional help.

The biggest concern I saw in your post is that you fear you might become pregnant. Girl, get yourself to a gynecologist, family practitioner, NP or Planned Parenthood NOW. You need a reliable form of contraception if you aren't ready to be a mother. Why take chances with your future and the future of the children you will have someday. Is this guy with anger issues, a part-time job and might go into the Army--is HE ready to be a father?

I just thought these parts of Moogie's post warranted emphasis.

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some of these posts have a pretty sharp edge - that's because we've read what you've written and want to shake some reality into you. think of us as your virtual moms who do take an interest in your decisions and future.

not one poster has voiced support for your relationship with this less than "awesome" guy. please pay attention to their wise words.

if your 8-yr plan is truly your mission, your actions should be consistent with that goal. this guy sounds like a huge obstruction.

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If he is not willing to help you achieve your dreams and goals then he is acting like a child and doesn't really care for you. I think you should break it off with him because he doesn't seem to be acting like a real man would.

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Specializes in being a Credible Source.

As a dad, here are some things that I would say to my own daughter:

1) Don't count on anybody to else to take care of you. You need to have the skills to earn a living, and you need to acquire those skills as soon as possible.

Here's a recent example from my own life: A close relative of mine just lost her husband in a tragic accident - totally unexpected. One minute he was there, 15 minutes later, he was dead. They were very well off, prudent, careful people... except that he made a mistake at some point in his life insurance policies and it turns out that they policies excluded the mode of his death -- no payoff. My loved one will be fine for awhile on their savings and investments but she has no real means of self-support and she has a long life ahead of her.

Be able to support yourself. Don't count on a man - or the government - to take care of you.

2) You are very young. What provokes love at 16 is very different than what provokes love after 30 or so... and you'll be over 30 for much longer in your life than you'll be 16.

3) The military... As a veteran (and my two bros, and my two nephews, and several very close friends) I have to tell you that infidelity runs rampant on military bases. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't follow him into the military but it does mean that you need to have your eyes wide open and have some depth and (real) commitment in your relationship.

The military life is very, VERY rough on relationships and families. Few but the strongest will survive and even those will be sorely tested.

4) You're a devoted Christian but you've compromised your principles in the name of love, or more accurately, infatuation and lust. Avoiding the religious stuff I will simply say that you're harming your psyche by behaving in a way that contradicts your beliefs.

5) Your BF is angry and PO'd about a variety of different things. As a man who has long struggled with anger let me encourage you to be very cautious in forming a relationship with such a man. Anger is often very hurtful... I will freely admit that my own anger has hurt many, probably all, of the people that I love in my life... and those most hurt have been those that I most love... and that have loved me most.

In part because of my struggles with anger, I was very late in getting married and very late in procreating. Maturity and decades of introspection, struggle, and practice have helped me moderate my anger but still... it has lashed out onto the most innocent person I know, my own child, in hurtful, damaging ways.

Honestly, I would advocate following the Biblical wisdom (see Proverbs) to stay away from an angry man.

The things that you describe as provoking his anger shouldn't cause anger... they should cause frustration and disappointment. When anger is substituted for appropriate emotions, that is a huge danger sign and a big problem.

6) I don't understand why so many women seem to sell themselves short (in my middle-aged, male opinion) but BF is not the same as fiance and certainly not the same as husband. Boyfriends haven't earned the right to opinionate regarding your goals and ambitions.

I'd point out that the two of you seem to have different priorities and goals. Those differences will only get worse over time, I promise.

Take care of yourself and make your decisions based on what you want and what's best for you, not what your boyfriend wants.

Be careful -- We're talking about decisions with life-long ramifications

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He should be understanding and try to put himself in your shoes. That itself is very hard to do. I have a friend whose girlfriend broke up with him not long after starting RN school because the combination of the to were to extreme. It might be better for you and your future to just give the relationship a break until you are in a better place mentally to handle it.

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First of all--go buy yourself some condoms RIGHT NOW. Seriously, right now. Faster.

Then call Planned Parenthood and set an appointment for a pregnancy test, STD test and a chance to talk to a doctor/NP about birth control options. Then don't wimp out, go to the appointment and listen to what the doctor/NP says.

Or, you could listen to yourself. It sounds like you are against premarital sex, and it sounds like you are being pressured into it. Did he pull the "If you love me you'll do this" line or was it another manipulative line? Why are you doing something you don't want to do and upsets you??? You should NEVER compromise on your morals, whatever they are, whatever the situation. I'd cut him off, and explain that you just aren't comfortable having sex. If he's worth keeping, he'll understand. Even if you decide not to have any more sex, still go get an STD check.

Now that we've got sex out of the way...

Your boyfriend sounds like a manipulative, angry loser. You're not going to like what I say next (I would have hated hearing it at 16), but you are too young to be going so fast and considering such big things (eg kids). Love at 16, and especially your first love, is very different than what you will want in 10 or even 5 years. Enjoy time with him if it's fun, but if you're not enjoying the relationship, why are you still with him? Love is NOT enough to base a relationship on. You're not married or obligated to stay with him. Enjoy yourself!!!

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Okay....

1) As women, when we are 16,17,or even 18 years old, and we have our first relationship, it's exciting, its new, a whirlwind of emotions, we just know he's "the one". We can't stop thinking about them, call them all the time, wanna spend all our time with them....blah blah blah. I was like that with my first boyfriend when I was 16 and I am certain every other woman on this website was the same way. It's perfectly fine as long as it is HEALTHY, and your relationship doesn't sound healthy. Love when you are 16 years old is much, much different than love when you are 25 or 30. Love at 16 is more like infatuation. You can't let this relationship take away focus from your priorities. Nursing school is no walk in the park. You are really going to have to work harder than you have ever worked. If your BF was so amazing and great, then he would be supporting your dream to be a nurse, helping you, and encouraging you to study, not hindering you. You can't let him get in the way of a successful future and if he can't support you, you need to move on. you have only been with this guy a very short time. You barely even know him. You have no way of knowing if you are going to be together for ever, or even 3 months from now! Why base your entire future on a highschool boyfriend?

2) You can't depend on him as a means of transportation, especially when you start nursing school. If it means you have to take the bus, a cab, the train, subway, walk, but a cheap car, or ride a bike then thats what you need to to. If his car breaks down, or he just decides he is sick of driving you places, then you are going to be trouble

3) If you are so "freaked out" about getting pregnant, then the solution is simple. STOP HAVING SEX. It's the only 100% way to prevent pregnancy. Most young boys have sex on the brain, and if your BF is any good, he will not pressure you for it and if you tell him you want to stop, then he will respect that. If you don't think you can stop, then you need to get a reliable for of birth control and use it diligently. Having a baby is a lifelong commitment that a couple makes when they are financially and emotionally ready. At 16 years old, you are neither. A baby is going to put a huge road block in becoming a nurse. For your sake I hope you are not pregnant now.

5) I'm not going to preach religion to you, but you should never compromise or give up your moral, principles, or religious beliefs for someone else. Being a Christian is part of who your are and you shouldn't give that up for anyone.

6) You really need to sit down and ask yourself if this relationship is worth your future. You have your entire life to date, marry and have children. You are in school NOW. If this guy is really a good one, he will support you and give you your space while in school. I hope you make the right choice...and best of luck with everything

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