Boyfriend and school?

Moogie · Feb 3, 2010

Ughh. Okay, so my nursing inspiration is at 100% now! :) But I am having a MAJOR road block. My boyfriend and I recently started dating and but we moved very fast, very quickly. I love him :redbeathe. He does NOT understand school work. I go to school full time (15 credit) full of pre-reqs and I am a candy striper AND starting a CNA course (hopefully!). He gets angry when I don't pay enough attention to him, if we don't talk on the phone enough, or we don't do 'stuff' enough. We both still live with our parents, and he has a part time job and is thinking about joining the army in August. I don't drive so currently he is very PO'ed at me for having to drive to get me. Well SORRY! Does your boyfriend/significant other get so angry and threaten to break up with you JUST cause you want to go to school to get a job to be able to drive, get an apartment, and raise a family. I am trying to do the best for us! I am also always freaked that I will get pregnant so I want to get as much school done now as I can. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and we will be together forever but I don't know what to do.

TaraRae, if you were my daughter, I'd be very concerned. I've bolded some of your comments that worry me.

First, you say that you and your BF recently started dating. How long ago? You say the two of you m oved quickly. Did you become exclusive with each other after a few dates? Was it a few weeks or a couple of months? The reason I ask is because some people can have whirlwind courtships with good outcomes. There are also some men who prefer to date one woman at a time. Then again, sometimes a guy will press a girl to move more quickly than she might like so he can have a bit more control over her. Other guys move quickly because they haven't always had good luck with women, so they latch onto a woman who is nice and caring but then they can overwhelm her and smother her with affection, KWIM?

Whatever his reasoning for moving quickly is, something that I noticed in your post is an undertone of him being angry with you. He's mad if you're studying, mad if you don't pay him "enough attention", angry when he has to drive you places. And then he threatens you with breaking up over you going to school to better your life!?! In my experience, once one partner starts threatening to leave, it's over. You've crossed a boundary and the relationship will not recover without professional help.

If you want to save it---and do make absolutely certain you DO want to save the relationship, he has to be willing to speak to you and treat you like an adult, not like a child. I also think he needs to learn a few things about boundaries and respecting one's girlfriend's right to studyl

The biggest concern I saw in your post is that you fear you might become pregnant. Girl, get yourself to a gynecologist, family practitioner, NP or Planned Parenthood NOW. You need a reliable form of contraception if you aren't ready to be a mother. Why take chances with your future and the future of the children you will have someday. Is this guy with anger issues, a part-time job and might go into the Army--is HE ready to be a father?

Please think this over. I wish you the best.

John--RN · Feb 3, 2010

I second the post above...this does not currently sound like a healthy relationship.

TaraRae123 · Feb 3, 2010

Thank you for your quick reply. My mother is not conserned, she is one of those "absent parents" and has always been my whole life. First of all I wan to say I am a VERY devoted Christian, but as from the statement that I might be pregnant, you can see where my life has quickly turned. I was a full -time nanny last summer, and a NICU wannabe (candy-striper currently) so I am very good with children, and could raise one (although I would have to move out). My boyfriend is excellent with kids, but is not ready to have one. I will get it checked, but the worrying can kill a person! :crying2:

I am too embarassed to say how short we have been dating. It totally defys everything I believe in as a Christian.

vanlo001 · Feb 3, 2010

I second this post by moogie. Love feels good. Love is not anger and threats. Love is supporting you to be the best you you can be. If he loved you he would want to help you invest in your future. Yes my significant other was like this. We met and I was pregnant within months of meeting him. I had my baby 2 weeks before I started nursing school. He threw me in a closet when I told a mutual friend who was looking for work it would bs nice to have him do some gardening out front. He threw a pan of boiling water at me because I was to lazy (hello: baby, full time I'm school, part time job) to thaw hamburger to put in the spaghetti. The anger doesn't go away when you have that baby. He will see you achieving your dream as a threat to him and will do everything to make you fail. I know that these words may not have meaning for you yet. You may feel like I'm bitter or your boyfriend is different. "He just doesn't know how to love someone, he never learned how cuz his dad and mom were alcoholics". This was how I justified my boyfriends selfishness, his inability to parent. "he just loves me so much". Nurses are caring. It is what will make you a great nurse. But, it is also what will make you a battered wife someday. Find someone you ain't need to fix. Someone that has a future mapped out that allows you the freedom to pursue your goal. Then think about having children. You deserve it. He deserves it (you don't think he's going to be happy being angry with you all the time do you?) and definitely your children deserve it. We are too far ahead for girls to still be having unplanned or to gar advanced for our young ones to be planning an unplanned pregnancy. Get on birth control. Stand up for yourself and don't let him undermind and trap you.

vanlo001 · Feb 3, 2010

A baby deserves loving committed parents who have a home and financial stability please please wait until you are older to have children and once you do decide to have children be sure it is after you have taken at least a year to get to know someone. Honestly motherhood us not like being a full time nanny. I worked my butt off to get through school with a child and I was poorer than you can ever imagine trying to work, go to school, pay for baby sitters so I could work and go to school and provide food, clothes, furniture. Look at those families in the hospital and look at your relationship. Be honest with yourself. If he's jealous of school imagine how jealous he will be when you have a baby in addition to a your responsibilities.

caliotter3 · Feb 3, 2010

Things will get impossible if you become pregnant, or he goes to the Army on the spur of the moment. Both of you need time to let things happen, but happen under your control or at least awareness. You aren't living on your own yet. You haven't finished school. He has a part time job, but part time jobs don't pay the rent or pay for babies. If he runs off to the Army, it will be a very long time before he can take on a wife and family. The Army is his out. You don't really have one. Please stand up for yourself and put school and your nursing assistant course first. And most importantly start birth control. When you get a good break, you might also take steps to learn how to drive. That is a skill you will need eventually anyway. Do things for you while you have time. Look, all this advice as if I were your Mom. Just don't want to see things get ruined for you before you have a chance to get started.

TaraRae123 · Feb 3, 2010

Thank yall, and I am reading every reply. I have a full scholarship +books to do my AA in pre-nursing then I wll most likely get a 75% scholarship for a upper division BSN program I am applying to for the Fall of 2011. I'm young yet, but have always been good at school and my dream is to be Neonatal Nurse Practitioner, and I currently have a 8 year plan to become one. I do know a baby would mess this up, and I will be greatful if I am not pregnant. But my boyfriend is amazing, he just expects me to pull money out of my majic hat, and when that doesn't work, I don't think he gets why not and that is why he gets so angry.

caliotter3 · Feb 3, 2010

His anger at situations that should be easy to grasp (money does not appear at our whim or fancy) are classic signs of immaturity. If he were mature, he would be making moves to become the man of the family. Yes, traditional role. Full time job that pays the bills for wife, child, self. It sounds old-fashioned, but that is still the measure of a man. Until he can do it on his own, or chooses to take on the responsibility, he can not look to you to be doing it all on your own, or even 50-50. When the baby comes, someone has to tend to the baby. You have a plan. His "plan" is the Army. That is escapism, unless, of course, he is awaiting an appointment to West Point that he has told no one about.

vanlo001 · Feb 3, 2010

Caliotter,

you see the army as a form of escape, I'm sure he's advertised it as his way of providing. The military bases are fu of desperate housewives under 20 with kids because everyone knows the married soldier with kids gets his own home/apartment and a larger alottment check. I see him as angry she sees him as awesome. We see immaturity she sees all ger experience with being a nanny and how much he loves kids. This is a classic case of emotions over ruling logic and the power of denial and self delusion. Just beware newbie. I hope tons of people respond to your thread because maybe then it will sink in, but if not it's your life to live and if you want to struggle in the name of love that's up to you. Oh BTW, I was atop grad in my high school, smart of you will. SMART doesn't buy diapers. What if you find out this guy you've known a month has a criminal past and is not eligible for the military? Do u really believe this guy is the ONE. Have you dated others. I don't mean to take over your post and I'll pipe down now and let others post but you are at such a crossroads. Again I'm bring heartfelt when I say beat of luck.

kbm318 · Feb 3, 2010

You concern me because you are only 16.

I am 16 and going to college full time for my pre-reqs. I was able to do this through early adimission due to awesome SAT grades.

You say you both love each other but he threatens to break up with you. I think you honestly need to sit down and think do you really see yourself with him. Because from what you said this isn't a healthy relationship and you are very young and because you said you haven't been dating that long. I honestly hate to say this but guys your age are only in it for one reason. So I think you just need to concentrate on your schooling for right now. But this is just my :twocents:

allnurses Guide · Feb 3, 2010

Hmmm. . . Tara Rae. . .your boyfriend gets upset when you don't pay attention to him, when you don't have time to chit-chat on the phone, when he has to drive you somewhere, he doesn't seem to know where money comes from, but expects you to have quantities of it laying around? He lives with his parents and has a part-time job. You have a full-time schedule of classes, a volunteer job, and are considering additional vocational training(CNA). I'm not hearing what it is about him that causes you to say you "know you will be together forever"?

I know when you are first in love with someone everything is new and exciting. You sound like a really great girl and I hope he appreciates you. I'll just cut to the chase.

1. Get yourself on reliable birth control. Get it now.

2. Don't loan him money, co-sign anything or get into a legal contract.

3. Keep going to church, do not drop your friends or burn bridges with your family.

4. Do you have an older adult, such as an aunt, sister, or friend you can confide in if your mother is emotionally absent to you? You need a sounding board!!

Above all, keep your eyes wide open before you committ to anything that cannot be easily undone. Sorry if I sound like a scold, but experience with these things in the past just makes me see red flags all over the place! Best wishes to you!:)

Edited to add: just saw a reference to age in a reply- that if you are under 18 you may not be able to enter a legal contract, always best to check, though!