Biting Your Tongue

[Ruby Vee]

Things I'd like to say to patients (or their families) and get away with:

"I'm so sorry no one told you that drinking a liter of hard liquor a day could cause heart problems. This must be a complete shock to you, having alcohol-induced cardiomyopathy. But did you honestly think drinking that much daily would be GOOD for your health?" Clenched my teeth, bit my tongue and didn't say anything when the patient was going all "Woe is Me!" because of his cardiomyopathy and how unfair life is that this happened to him just when he was . . . .

"I don't know the anesthesiologist who promised you that you would have NO pain post-operatively. But I can assure you that it's not unusual for heart surgery to hurt."

This to the patient and family who wanted the patient to be drugged into oblivion until "he's all better." They never did understand why he had to be "awake and miserable" to do his pulmonary toilet, physical therapy or eat.

"No, ma'am. The surgery didn't make your husband this way. I'm pretty sure he had some memory issues BEFORE he had the surgery. That would be why he was taking Namendia and possibly why he was living in a memory care unit instead of at home with you." Didn't say it, but I was thinking it pretty loudly!

"Yes, Ma'am. I sure he lived through the night. I'm looking at him right now, and he's eating breakfast. I'm sure he'll forgive you for selling all of his things and using the money to buy that Birkin bag you've always wanted. He did look pretty sick last night, what with that not breathing and all."

"Of course you can stay all night, Ma'am. But that pillow you've got under your arm is the one we just took out from under his left side; and we're going to put it under his right side momentarily. If you MUST lie down RIGHT NOW, please go ask the unit secretary for guest linens and don't take the stuff we need here" OK, I have said that, or something similar. But I didn't get away with it. I had to sit in the manager's office and explain all about how I was thinking that the wife might be less comfortable trying to sleep with all the drainage from his wound right under her cheek.

"You're HOW old? And you had to have your Mommy stay overnight? She's 80 and using a walker, and you're expecting her to sleep in this sleep chair? What's the matter with you?"

"You're here to visit your mother? Really? And you can't tell me her last name? I don't care how many times she got married, if you're close enough to be visiting her when she's in the ICU, you're close enough to know her last name!"

"Sir, if that were a service dog -- which I doubt, because I've never heard of a Service PitBill -- you'd be able to tell me what service he provides. And he'd have a service dog vest, not a spiked collar. I'm sorry, but "Spike" isn't allowed to visit, and neither are you until you come back without him." Now if I HAD said something like that (which I would have had I seen them coming before they actually got into the room), it would have prevented all sorts of drama when "Spike" attacked Dad's nurse and pinned him up against the wall.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has nearly exploded from the strain of trying NOT to say that which is desperately DEMANDING to be said . . . please share!

[Gamecock73]

The stage IV renal carcinoma pt whose siblings pop in at different times, all look alike, and ask the same stupid questions. (Apparently, no one talks to the other in this family. Or maybe they do, just hoping for different answers?) Poor woman is asking for pain meds constantly while she's awake, yet family is concerned about her being sedated, therefore she gets Tylenol Q4, and Tramadol Q6. And they will stalk you at the nurses' station whenever they've been told either med is due. (faceplant) I keep passing it along in report, "Can someone PLEASE get this woman something stronger for pain?" And I'm invariably told, "Nope, it's been addressed, family doesn't want it." Gah! (Pulling hair out)

I used to absolutely HATE new post-op pts. The younger the pt, the worse the experience. I'd walk into a pt's room who should be resting, to find babies crawling around on the floor and 15 other visitors crammed in the room. Sucks to try to do a thorough assessment with what seems like a bajillion eyeballs on you. Seriously, people. A hospital is THE nastiest place. Leave the kiddies at home!

Oh, and I had a CNA mouth off behind my back (or so she thought) not long ago. It was near the end of the shift, I was trying to finish all my blood draws and med passes and a pt had soiled himself. I sent word out to the older CNA assigned to my hall to come help clean the pt. (In our facility, that's all CNAs do. Turn, clean up pts, answer call lights.) I was charting just around the corner (unseen) when the tech got the message I was needing her help. She proceeded to go off (with an audience of other CNAs) loudly on me and every other nurse and how she was tired of this and that (nurses not wanting to help) and ready to finish her shift and go home on time.

I walked around the corner and said a nice variation of, " X, if I had the time, I would, but I don't. It's your JOB. How many times do I stay late to get the job done? How many times have I helped you turn/move/change pts? You KNOW I'm not slacking on these pts or my job."

Haven't had a lick of trouble from that CNA since. And I'd long forgotten about it, but the other CNAs thought it hilarious when I walked around the corner and caught Miss So-and-So dead in her tracks.

[suga_junkie, BSN, RN]

I'm not a &@$% waitress!!!

Stop being such a precious snowflake, you've only had a shoulder arthroscopy not open heart surgery!

We do not have any private rooms available. Would you like me to kick one of the infectious patients out into the hallway so that you can have their private room?

You weigh about 5 times more than me, no I will not pull you up, do you want to break my back? Geez

I have 9 other patients and this is very low on my priority list

[HIPPIECHIKRN]

3000 calorie? Hahaha

[RNBillieBSN]

At 1300 answering the phone and a patient's sister calls and asks, "have you seen Mrs Seay in 214 yet?" Now I've been on duty since 0700 and have medicated, turned and repositioned Mrs. Seay three times, bathed and fed Mrs. Seay. I wanted so badly to say, "you know, I haven't seen Mrs. Seay yet and I've been here since seven o'clock this morning. I don't know how the hell she's doing !" This went on for some time, but I was always polite and biting my tongue. Gave me a headache.

[CountryMomma, ASN, RN]

Psych pt with semi legit medical issue jumps all over me with both feet because I was "late" with her PRN pain med for her 12/10 headache, and I should quit being a ***** and give her the tid PRN Zyprexa now even though she just had it 3 hours ago.

I looked her straight in the eye and said "Pt X, I just left a room where a man is dying. DYING. His family is watching him die. I made him, and them comfortable as possible, and then went straight to the pyxis to get your PRN pain med. Please do not cop attitude like this again."

She apologized a few times then told me to get the eff out as soon as she swallowed the oxy.

She fired me shortly afterwards. Shame. I thought Charge would "counsel" me for my bad attitude but instead she smiled and said "I bet you're heartbroken. How's a CCU transfer sound?"

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

I've found that the patients who are given to "firing" nurses are usually ones I'd LOVE to be fired by. (With apologies to the grammar police.)

[ktwlpn, LPN]

Oh,right!!I love when visitors approach the desk at the LTC because they "can't find" their loved one.It's generally 50/50 that they walked right past them on the way to the desk or did not bother to go down the hall to look for them.I no longer jump up to go looking for them...Not when I am in the middle of printing the paperwork for a 911 transfer...or anything else.Unless they are 110 and walking with canes or a walker.

[Tenebrae, BSN, RN]

The requests ALWAYS end once you find a male staff member to answer their call bell for those requests. Suddenly IT'S A MIRACLE!!! THEY CAN USE THEIR HANDS AGAIN!!!

Or come at them with a sharp looking pair of forceps to lift it into the urinal

[Tenebrae, BSN, RN]

District nursing scenario, helping a spinal patient with their shower. Had to be there because patient was in an aspen CTO and had to shower in it and the pads needed to be changed following shower

Patient A "you are late, you were supposed to be here at 1000, now I'm going to finish off my breakfast because you guys screwed me around

What I wanted to say "patient A, mistakes happen. And I realise no one is as important as you, let me tell you about my day. I've just come from a patient who has been dying slowly and painfully for the last five days. No one can understand how they are keeping on going given that they havent had oral fluids for four days. After I see you I'm going back into town to see a patient with a large fungating wound on their face and as a result their ear and other parts of their face are coming away. They are also dying and in intense pain that we dont seem to be able to get under control. So, let me put your problems into perspective"

What I said was "I'll just do some work on my laptop, let me know when you are ready for me"

This one was a precious snow flake who didnt seem to understand that while her needs were important to her, in the grand scheme of things, they were a fairly low priority

[WKShadowNP, DNP, APRN]

I told a 17 year-old who exaggeratedly shied away from a 25ga. 1/2 inch needle not to get pregnant because I didn't think she'd survive.

(Usually my filter is intact, but this was day 1 s/p two teeth extraction that I did not plan to have the day before working, so I had low tolerance for bologna that day)

[mari-RN]

But we have right to request dog's vaccination record before allowing dog in. If records not in hand, and not up to date, we have right to say NO to any dog, even if animal is 100% legit. (Chronic dialysis, per policy)

[Not_A_Hat_Person, RN]

"Are you aware that Medicaid pays for me?" to the anti-Medicaid parents of my peds clients.