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Ask Me If I'm Safe At Home

Nurses Article   (11,029 Views 48 Replies 1,825 Words)
by Ruby Vee Ruby Vee, BSN (Member) Nurse Verified

Ruby Vee has 40 years experience as a BSN and specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

11 Followers; 65 Articles; 170,500 Profile Views; 13,945 Posts

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Ask your patient if she is safe at home -- even if her husband is handsome and charming, well-dressed and well spoken. Ask even if you know her husband, he's the life of the party or you've worked with him for years. Ask because maybe you've only met Dr. Jekyll; she may be living with Mr. Hyde You are reading page 4 of Ask Me If I'm Safe At Home. If you want to start from the beginning Go to First Page.

9 Posts; 182 Profile Views

Your story gave me chills!! glad you are safe at home NOW!

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4,268 Posts; 34,164 Profile Views

I think of you often, Ruby, and hope you are well.

Thank you again for sharing your insights and experiences.  I didn't realize you had a 2nd marriage go south because of an immature, selfish, sick %*)%^&$#

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SaltineQueen specializes in School Nurse, past Med Surge.

725 Posts; 5,879 Profile Views

Every single woman needs to read this.  Thank you for sharing your story.

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LC0929 has 13 years experience as a ASN, RN and specializes in Critical Care.

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....I read this days ago and couldn’t find the right words....I still am not sure I can, so I’ll just leave it at this...Thank you....and I’m sure happy you’re around...

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Ruby Vee has 40 years experience as a BSN and specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

65 Articles; 13,945 Posts; 170,500 Profile Views

8 hours ago, Kooky Korky said:

I think of you often, Ruby, and hope you are well.

Thank you again for sharing your insights and experiences.  I didn't realize you had a 2nd marriage go south because of an immature, selfish, sick %*)%^&$#

Yup.  I seem to have a knack for finding the most narcissistic, selfish and abusive man in the room . . . and then marrying him.  Not my best quality.

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KCMnurse has 33 years experience as a BSN, MSN, RN.

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Thank you so much for sharing!

I recently met up with some old work colleagues - 1 of them confided in me that she had been in an abusive marriage for decades and had finally plucked up the courage to leave. I felt so bad that I had worked alongside this woman for years and had no idea of the hell she was enduring on a daily basis. 

Your courage and resilience are inspiring <Hugs>

 

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On 5/19/2019 at 5:07 AM, Pippynurseuk said:

Thank you Ruby for so eloquently describing what it is like to live with a Mr Hyde.

Your description is eerily similar to my experience. Every single line had me nodding and remembering. My Mr Hyde declined to visit me the day after the birth (emergency Caesarian) of my daughter because "he was tired and needed a lay in! (All day)" missing visiting time and then apparently had more important things to do  during evening visiting time. We also had many accidents where somehow only my stuff got damaged. The tantrums, the tiptoeing round his moods, the driving, the money....And of course it was always somehow my fault.

It took me 12 years to leave.

As far as everyone was concerned he was charming, funny, loved his family. Then one day he forgot himself for a few seconds and Mr Hyde came out in front of my family. My parents lent me 2 months rent money and a month later I was out, 2 kids in tow.

That was all I needed, someone else to see it and assure me that it wasn't my fault and a little bit of practical assistance. My life is my own now, and it's beautiful.

Thank you again for writing this and painting such a clear picture. 

 

Somewhat off topic but I just want to remark about the behavior of some men when it comes to becoming a father.

Some men are elated.  Some are very scared.  And the fear can keep a man from realizing  or accepting or totally embracing that this is the day of birth for his child.  And the day of often horribly painful bringing forth of that child for his wife.   Men often won't say they are terrified of losing the wife or having a child who might be imperfect or come forth dead.  They won't tell you they don't feel able to financially or otherwise take care of a wife and child.  But that is often the truth.

One man I know of, who loved his wife dearly, told her during labor that he wished she would die.  He had told her 9 months earlier when he learned he was to be a father that he didn't feel financially on his feet.  He said his wife was always wanting sex (not necessarily intercourse, but snuggling at least) during the pregnancy, but he was totally turned off by her being pregnant and he hadn't wanted to hurt her or the baby.  He hated the childbirth classes and she was very unhappy that he seemed so unhappy.

And then, while she was in labor and expressing pain - and it was only early labor - he was feeling so overwhelmed that he said he wished she would die.  He didn't mean it, he was just scared.  BTW, this man went on to be a great dad, totally in love with his son.  And I think the relationship with the wife improved, too.  They had more than 20 years together and enjoyed their grandchildren.  He then passed and she remarried a few years later.  He spoke very highly of his "jewel" of a wife, who "loves me and understands me and is faithful to me, no matter how stupid or childish I am.  She loves me anyway".  There was not physical or mental cruelty, to my knowledge.  So men who start out poorly can improve.

So my point is that, while it is certainly a bad time for a man to freak out, and while he should choose another day to come to grips with the stark reality that he is about to be a dad, perhaps we can glean some understanding of why a man might not want to be at the hospital with his wife during labor or soon after, why he might be "sick" or "tired".  

But back to the original topic.  Thanks, Ruby, for your tremendous insight and willingness to share.  May God bless you and all the others here who have had a Jekyll and Hyde in their lives.  May your latter days be much, much better than the J&K days.

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On 5/17/2019 at 3:07 PM, Ruby Vee said:

I've been thinking about this post since I read it almost ten hours ago . . . and you're right.  "Do you FEEL safe at home?" is the better question.  If someone asks "Are you safe at home?" you might answer that you ARE safe because you don't THINK your spouse would physically harm you, even though you might actually FEEL threatened by him.  FEELING safe is probably a more true reflection of your actually safety than THINKING you are safe.  In fact, research suggests that a woman's actually FEELING of safety or not is the most accurate predictor of her safety.  

And if I was so danged safe at home, why was I so afraid to GO there?

When I left, I rented a car and drove five states; a thousand miles away before I felt safe enough to stop.  I do FEEL safe now.  No restraining order -- for one thing, there's the five states and a thousand miles.  And for another, there's the other woman that he kept after I left him.  I'd feel sorry for her, but she was willing to mess with a married man, so . . . she can keep him.  

I got on a plane and made sure there was no way he could get my home address.  Because they can and do follow us.  My abuser has contacted me multiple times throughout the years.  My social media sites have no identifiable information. 

One thing though. Don't judge the other woman for falling for the same crap you did with him.  For now she is the reason you are safe.  But she doesn't deserve to lose her life to an abuser because HE cheated.  She didn't take vows with you HE did.  SHE wasn't unfaithful HE was.  Don't condemn someone else to the same hell.  

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Ruby Vee has 40 years experience as a BSN and specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

65 Articles; 13,945 Posts; 170,500 Profile Views

1 hour ago, lovetoos said:


One thing though. Don't judge the other woman for falling for the same crap you did with him.  For now she is the reason you are safe.  But she doesn't deserve to lose her life to an abuser because HE cheated.  She didn't take vows with you HE did.  SHE wasn't unfaithful HE was.  Don't condemn someone else to the same hell.  

I didn't fall for the same crap the other woman is falling for -- I didn't date or "fall for" a married man, a man who was engaged, a man who was in a relationship or any other sort of man who wasn't free to date me.  

Being an affair partner -- unless you were duped into believing he was single -- isn't a "mistake".  It is wrong.  It is immoral.  It is deliberately choosing that it is OK to hurt another person so that you can get your jollies/be happy/be with your "true love"/ or any other way you choose to justify it to yourself.  Maybe you're hurting several other people -- the wife who truly believes he loves her, and the six little kids who also believe.  

But you've just argued that the affair partner owes me nothing because she "wasn't unfaithful."  So how in the world can you turn that around to claim that I now owe HER something? That it is worth compromising my safety to warn the woman who was perfectly OK with compromising my safety and security?   "Oh, that's just the crazy ex -- can't believe a word she says."  Those kinds of warnings don't go well, usually.  I don't owe the other woman anything.  

But in this particular case, if she didn't learn anything from the fifty plus years she's known him and the other times over the years they've dated and broken up, nothing I can say would influence her.  

Here's my public service announcement:  Abusers abuse because they have an attitude of entitlement.  They feel they are entitled to do whatever it takes to get what they want.  Scream at the wife so she's always off balance?  Check.  Criticize her constantly?  Check.  Slap her around from time to time because that improves the old memory?  Check.  All OK -- as long as it gets me what *I* want.  That usually translates to affairs as well.  So if you're dating a married man, chances are pretty good that he's a personality disordered, entitled wing nut who is also abusive.  

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kbrn2002 has 25 years experience as a ADN, RN and specializes in Geriatrics.

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1 hour ago, lovetoos said:

I got on a plane and made sure there was no way he could get my home address.  Because they can and do follow us.  My abuser has contacted me multiple times throughout the years.  My social media sites have no identifiable information. 

One thing though. Don't judge the other woman for falling for the same crap you did with him.  For now she is the reason you are safe.  But she doesn't deserve to lose her life to an abuser because HE cheated.  She didn't take vows with you HE did.  SHE wasn't unfaithful HE was.  Don't condemn someone else to the same hell.  

Yes, it's been proven time and time again that a determined abuser will sometimes go to extreme lengths to track down the one that got away. Scary as hell, and sadly not just the plot of a Lifetime movie.

I do have to disagree with not judging "the other woman" though. First off that relationship is shiny and new enough that the abuser probably hasn't come out yet and there's likely no way she'd ever believe any warnings from the "bitter ex."  And yes, she did cheat with a married man. Last I checked it takes two to tango. Odds are pretty darn good she knew going into the relationship that he was married. Not that I would wish any harm on her at all, hopefully she's sees him for what he is and ends things before any harm is done.

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It'sYaGirlK has 1 years experience as a CNA.

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I had to keep reminding myself to breath.. I hung on to every word.. if you wrote a book I’d buy it! I’m glad you found yourself again this resonates within ❤️ Thanks so much for sharing

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winniewoman9060 has 30+ years experience and specializes in icu,prime care,mri,ct, cardiology, pacu,.

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You are amazing. Keep going on with life. Your humor will return 

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