Are you better off?

StillRN · Nov 24, 2017

No, it's horrible! The ONLY good thing is that Iï¸ met my boyfriend through all of this and he is amazing! Other than that.. it's worse in every possible way!!! My boyfriends mom is a Dentist in alcohol recovery. She's been in our state's 5 year program for TEN years.. because for the first 3 years she didn't realise she had to call on weekends.. of course her monitor didn't tell her that until 3 years later.. so that plus every time you miss a call (even on a holiday or weekends) you get another 6 months! We only get a 5 hour window to test and she has been stuck in life threatening dental emergencies and was 10 min late once because of that.. they didn't care! They said your job doesn't matter add another 6 mos.

Well if our jobs, and becoming responsible productive members of society doesn't matter.. then what the hell is the point of any of this?? Other than money! They don't give a damn about any of us.. we are a blight on society. We are nothing to them! Ruining our lives financially and other ways , causing health problems due to daily anxiety related to this program and the high degree of possible relapse due to the anxiety and frustration means nothing to them! How many times i have wished i could meet some of them on a personal level...i can't even say!!! They need to hear the truth without being able to punish us for it!

catsmeow1972, BSN, RN · Nov 24, 2017

There is so much I could say, but I think it would have to be a categoric nope! Not happier, not more financially secure, ain't got a job. StillRN's second paragraph pretty much sums it up.

I'm disgusted with what I have seen both doctors and nurses do to each other. I am appalled that my own can disregard evidenced based research and proven medical science in favor of questionable woo and easy money. I am not sure I can ever look at my own profession the same way ever again. I am afraid that for the rest of my career, should I choose to return to it, I will be merely punching a clock and earning a paycheck. I will care for my patients they way I would wish to be cared for but I no longer have much respect for my profession as a whole. This is what involvement in this program has done for me.

Meq815 · Nov 25, 2017

Nope. Everything about it sucks a$$.

dirtyhippiegirl, BSN, RN · Nov 25, 2017

Yes. I couldn't stop drinking on my own. I'd done a bit of therapy and gone to a few AA meetings but nothing was sticking -- I logically knew that I needed to stop drinking but couldn't emotionally pull through to actually stop. The last two or three years of my drinking, you could assume I was sneaking vodka if I was not passed out or at work. I would show up to work severely hungover, in mild withdrawal, or still tipsy. Eventually I was just drinking on the job because, why not?

I felt trapped. My husband sobered up himself about nine months before I eventually did and that just made it even harder for me to ask for help. Ending my own life seemed like an easier and more realistic option than not drinking. I took a bottle of Fioricet and woke up. A bottle of propanolol. Most of a Novolog pen. (Still don't know how I survived that one.)

I needed an outside intervention to make me get help. I needed the drug testing to keep me accountable because, after nearly a decade of secretive drinking, lying was second nature to me. Even the various meetings and whatnot got me out of the house and added structure to my day which I desperately needed.

I didn't need to be screamed at or treated as cruely as I was by a certain person in my monitoring program (who is no longer working for the program and I hope is miserable and forever alone) or by the BON investigator. I didn't need the perpetual anxiety that one missed check-in or piece of late paperwork might revoke my nursing license. I didn't need the program attempting to dictate what psych meds I could and could not take.

Even today, six months out of my state's program, and I am anxious and emailing the BON because I think I might have made a mistake while answering questions on my license renewal. It's the same sick, sinking feeling that I lived with during my stint in monitoring and I absolutely hate it.

But I am not going to drink over it. I didn't drink today and I can almost guarantee that I won't drink tomorrow and I am pretty certain that I won't be drunk next week. If my hardened little Atheist heart believed in miracles, I'd say that's a miracle compared to where I was just a few years ago.

My life isn't perfect right now. I'm dealing with chronic knee pain that limits a lot of the activities I discovered that I loved to do after I got sober. I'm also in an anorexia relapse and am like 25 lbs underweight. I worry about whether my monitoring-friendly job has pigeon holed me and whether my husband resents me for not wanting to move out of state for fear of what trying to get licensed in another state will entail with my history.

But I am not dead. Or stumbling drunk through a waste of a life. We spent two weeks in Morocco last month which I would have never done while I was drinking. There's just so much more time in the day now that I am not passed out or sleeping off another hangover or drunkenly watching the same TV shows over and over again -- and I am able to fill it with interesting things. I am not a hollow shell of a person anymore.

So, yes, my life is substantially better sober and I could not have gotten sober without monitoring.

catsmeow1972, BSN, RN · Nov 25, 2017

Hppy, you are an example of the person that elements of these programs can be a lifesaver for. I don't think anyone can deny that. However, even so, the screaming at you, the cruel treatment, the anxiety provoking antics? The attempts to insert themselves (at least the way I see it) into the decisions of your doctors in terms of prescription choices. None of that was ever necessary or had anything to do with advocating for your needs as a nurse or even as a person.

Nobody will officially state this garbage is punishment but we all know that is precisely what it is. It is very disheartening to know that out of one side of thier mouths these things preach advocacy and the disease process of addiction and out of the other flog people mercilessly with never ending punishment and career and financial destruction for simply asking for help for thier "disease."

Even after you "served your sentence" the punishment continues in the form of the worries you state. The anxiety every time you have any contact with the BON even just to renew your license. Even the thought of moving out of state for a fresh start is met with dread because you know this nightmare will begin again. I think forevermore, I am going to have a hard time getting through a day without my butt puckering at the thought that I may have "missed a check in." I don't know what I'll do with that extra $200 a month.

My point is that I think that with few exceptions, these programs, in thier current form are not a healthy or positive experience for anyone whether they are rightfully (although I am not even sure what that means anymore) in them or not.

Big Blondie, ASN, BSN, MSN, APRN · Nov 25, 2017

Hell yes I'm better off. I couldn't do it on my own and the daily accountability is what helped me do it. I am educated and have common sense, but couldn't get clean and stay clean. The money I've spent on drug screens is a fraction of what I spent on my drug of choice. Meetings are a pain in the backside, hearing the same people say the same thing every week is annoying, but this too shall pass. As far as the monitoring people, I feel like they have been fair. I have a good job so money isn't an issue. My relationships with my circle are better. I still don't trust a lot of people, but I never have so I can't blame the program. I don't resent my monitoring program or the Board, but I have a healthy respect for their power and I'm doing whatever it takes to remain under their radar! I got myself in this mess and I am getting myself out!

dirtyhippiegirl, BSN, RN · Nov 25, 2017

I totally agree that it's a mixed bag, fwiw. That's why I talked about the good and the bad parts. Even the courts and independent review boards agree that these programs are overly punitive and overstep boundaries. Things need to change! But being miserable, even my beloved anxiety which I know so well in relation to all things BON and monitoring related, doesn't bring change to these programs and only brings negativity to personal change and growth. I mean, even my relative success and continued sobriety won't change how or who runs these programs - it could probably be used as an argument that they work as is - but at least I have some positive change in my life to show for everything.

If you told me I had to go back in time to 2014 and repeat the program again, knowing everything I do now, I'd still do it because the net benefits have literally saved my life.

catsmeow1972, BSN, RN · Nov 25, 2017

That's been my thing. As much as I moan groan and complain, I honestly do see where these can be useful. Structure,yes, accountability yes. Monitoring yes. Help good nurses get back into practice, yes. Also, weed out those who should just plain not be practicing except under the watchful eye of another or not be practicing period. I see where these programs can give people a chance and if they blow that chance, well...another story all together.

My screaming fits are from having been lumped in and labeled as what I am not. If I had to go back to the start, the last thing I would have done is reach out to my fellow nurses for help. I think I would have simply disappeared from sight, sought help for my needs, and never peeped a word. When license renewal came...nope, never had any mental health treatment at all, HIPAA, y'all.....There's that be honest thing y'know. If I only knew.........

Big Blondie, ASN, BSN, MSN, APRN · Nov 25, 2017

I actually had a plan to go on suboxone, had an appt in a nearby state, was going to pay cash so no record on my insurance, and got busted the Thursday before my Monday appt. I definitely support getting clean and staying clean on your own if you can do it. I don't know if I would've succeeded on suboxone. My actions took me down a different route. I was so sick of being afraid all the time, not to mention being sick from withdrawal. I couldn't sleep an entire night due to withdrawal. I would wake up dope sick at 2 am. I was hiding and calculating 24 hours a day. What a disgusting situation I was in. Now the freedom I have from all of that is palpable. I feel so much better. Not perfect but better. I'm not a big book thumper. That works for some people. Getting off that ride and staying off long enough is what I needed. A 5 year program is long, but I Think ultimately that is what will help me. Each person has to take what helps them and use that. You see I am a repeat offender, I guess 2 years wasn't long enough for this hard head!

allnurses Guide · Nov 25, 2017

Hppy, you are an example of the person that elements of these programs can be a lifesaver for. I don't think anyone can deny that. However, even so, the screaming at you, the cruel treatment, the anxiety provoking antics? The attempts to insert themselves (at least the way I see it) into the decisions of your doctors in terms of prescription choices. None of that was ever necessary or had anything to do with advocating for your needs as a nurse or even as a person.
Nobody will officially state this garbage is punishment but we all know that is precisely what it is. It is very disheartening to know that out of one side of thier mouths these things preach advocacy and the disease process of addiction and out of the other flog people mercilessly with never ending punishment and career and financial destruction for simply asking for help for thier "disease."
Even after you "served your sentence" the punishment continues in the form of the worries you state. The anxiety every time you have any contact with the BON even just to renew your license. Even the thought of moving out of state for a fresh start is met with dread because you know this nightmare will begin again. I think forevermore, I am going to have a hard time getting through a day without my butt puckering at the thought that I may have "missed a check in." I don't know what I'll do with that extra $200 a month.
My point is that I think that with few exceptions, these programs, in thier current form are not a healthy or positive experience for anyone whether they are rightfully (although I am not even sure what that means anymore) in them or not.

Thanks for you kind reply but I think you were addressing Dirtyhippiegirl (DHG) . While our stories are very similar I have to say that I have been able to move on after monitoring with very little angst. I have been out since 2006 and never looked back. While I believe my problems were more mental health and less addiction, my mental health problems drove my drinking and like DHG I really did need the structure that the program provided. Do I feel there was a punitive amount of overkill? For sure.

I don't worry about the BON and I renew my license regularly with no issue. I have checked and am not on OIG, NURSYS, or BREEZE with any discipline history. I have a great job at a facility that appreciates me with co-workers I adore. While there are many parts of AA I disagree with I did take the parts about releasing myself from anger and resentment to heart and learned a lot about achieving and maintaining personal serenity.

I truly believe I would be dead today if I had not gone through that program.

I recognize that many people get caught in the net that shouldn't and I hated many parts of the program but I am honestly a better Nurse, mother , wife, sister than I would have been had I not gone through this.

Hppy

SpankedInPittsburgh, DNP, RN · Nov 25, 2017

I have no doubt that these programs help people. However, the simply mean edge that many display and the wanton disregard for an individuals life is really no debatable in my estimation. These programs probably started as a great idea. Lets help the impaired nurse keep her job. However, the over functioning nature of many nurses probably got the best of them. The net grew larger and the requirements were added with the logic that "more is better" and now you have this mess. Truthfully I don't want their help. However I'm forced to accept this "assistance" for a problem that I don't recognize. Recovery should help save and salvage lives & not operate on a scorched earth policy of destroying everything possible in the addicted person's life so they can be rebuilt in the vision that these control freaks have for them. That's brain washing and programing & not recovery. I think you have to want, buy off on and be an active participant in recovery for it to change your life. That's simply not what I see in the vast majority of cases in my monitoring program