Alzheimer's in my family

[country mom]

My Godmother (basically, my second mom) was just diagnosed with early-stage Alzheimer's. My heart is broken. She is the most lively, vivacious person I've ever known and my family is devastated. She's the kind of person who would spend her whole paycheck buying coats for poor kids. I know what's ahead, and I'm angry about what this cruel disease is about to do to her. Dear God, I hope she doesn't get the violent behaviors, swinging and kicking, spitting and biting. Yes, I know I'm in the stages of grief, and right now I'm angry. I know life isn't fair, I know we're only one of millions of families dealing with the same thing. And so very, very sad for her, that she'll slowly lose herself as the faces of her family and friends become strangers. Losing one's body to disease is bad enough, but when you don't even have your memories and thoughts to comfort you, that's just too cruel. Thanks for letting me vent. I can't unload on my family, I don't want to share my fears with them, because if they know what I know, it will scare the he-ck out of them. How the day will come and she'll stare and not know us, or worse, spout venemous words of anger that come from places we can't recognize. How she'll wander around, asking the same questions hundreds of times. How she might become like a child, crying over fears and shadows we can't see. Why can't we,in our delirium, go to a happy place where everything is sunshine? No, it's always some dark and scary place to which the mind wanders. Expletive.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

my grandmother had some form of dementia -- probably alzheimer's. two of my mother's brothers and her uncle had/have it. my mother has alzheimer's as does my mother-in-law. every person is different.

my mother was critical of me my entire life. if i came home for thanksgiving, the first words out of her mouth were as likely to be "your hair looks awful" or "you've gained weight" as "welcome home" or "it's good to see you." nothing i ever did was enough to please her, nothing i did was good enough. and as if her disapproval weren't bad enough, she'd invoke her mother. "your grandmother would be rolling in her grave if she knew you had -- (insert the disappointment of the moment)" i remember years ago introducing her and my sister to a boyfriend's mother, who said of my sister, "your other daughter is lovely." and my mother's response? "yes, it's too bad ruby couldn't be more like her."

alzheimer's has mellowed my mother. now when i call her, she's happy to hear from me. she tells me she loves me -- and it sounds as if she means it. she compliments me. when i told her i had taught an acls class, she said "you were always good at teaching. your grandmother would be so proud." when i was lamenting the unattractive sense of entitlement exhibited by my step-daughter, mom said "whatever happens down the road, you have done the best that you could. you've had a lot of responsibility and no authority and you've managed it with grace." and when i remarked that "all teenagers think they know everything," she told me that i had never acted as if i thought i knew everything.

i know this phase isn't going to last forever. either she'll go back to her snarking and disapproval or she'll forget everything that passed between us over the years. or both. or worse. but for this allottment of time -- however long it lasts -- i can actually enjoy my relationship with my mother.

and that is a blessing.

[sunnycalifRN]

i know this phase isn't going to last forever. either she'll go back to her snarking and disapproval or she'll forget everything that passed between us over the years. or both. or worse. but for this allottment of time -- however long it lasts -- i can actually enjoy my relationship with my mother.

and that is a blessing.

that's wonderful to hear. my mom also has alzheimer's and although she was never hypercritical of me, she used to constantly snipe at my wife. comments about her clothes, her hairdo, "you've gained weight", etc. that has all stopped!! she's now in what i call the "broken record" phase . . . she asks the same 6 questions which i answer, and then about 10 minutes later, the same 6 questions, forever . . .

[tencat]

Such an awful disease, but most of the folks who I've dealt with who have it are pleasantly confused. I think it's sometimes worse for the family than the patient, except in the early stages when the patient knows something is wrong. It is very, very difficult to care for these patients at home, at least until they become incapacitated and bedbound, most times anyway that I've seen. Every patient is different, though.

[leslie :-D]

alzheimer's has mellowed my mother. now when i call her, she's happy to hear from me. she tells me she loves me -- and it sounds as if she means it. she compliments me. when i told her i had taught an acls class, she said "you were always good at teaching. your grandmother would be so proud." when i was lamenting the unattractive sense of entitlement exhibited by my step-daughter, mom said "whatever happens down the road, you have done the best that you could. you've had a lot of responsibility and no authority and you've managed it with grace." and when i remarked that "all teenagers think they know everything," she told me that i had never acted as if i thought i knew everything.

i know this phase isn't going to last forever. either she'll go back to her snarking and disapproval or she'll forget everything that passed between us over the years. or both. or worse. but for this allottment of time -- however long it lasts -- i can actually enjoy my relationship with my mother.

and that is a blessing.

oh my gosh, your story is so similar to a dear friend of mine, whose mom had alzheimer's.

this mom too, was hypercritical of my friend, while always glorifying her sister.

i mean, this mom treated my friend very poorly.

well, mom got alzheimer's, and the 2 sisters cared for her, alternating homes every 6 months, back and forth, until she died.

however, mom was incredibly loving to the rejected dtr, and it and they, both grew in love.

by the time mom died, it had turned into a bittersweet, tender, loving relationship.

my friend is incredible...never held a grudge, and treated her mom like royalty, til the day she died.

ruby, don't be surprised if mom remains loving to you.

goodness knows, you have it coming.

leslie:redpinkhe

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

oh my gosh, your story is so similar to a dear friend of mine, whose mom had alzheimer's.

this mom too, was hypercritical of my friend, while always glorifying her sister.

i mean, this mom treated my friend very poorly.

well, mom got alzheimer's, and the 2 sisters cared for her, alternating homes every 6 months, back and forth, until she died.

however, mom was incredibly loving to the rejected dtr, and it and they, both grew in love.

by the time mom died, it had turned into a bittersweet, tender, loving relationship.

my friend is incredible...never held a grudge, and treated her mom like royalty, til the day she died.

ruby, don't be surprised if mom remains loving to you.

goodness knows, you have it coming.

leslie:redpinkhe

thanks, leslie. i'd be thrilled if that happened, but i'm not counting on it!

[country mom]

Thanks to all who shared their support and encouragement and to those who shared their personal stories. We cannot choose our pathology, and if we could, I'm not at all sure what I would choose. She's my mother's sister and the two of them are, as Forrest Gump would say, "peas an' carrots". The Aricept seems to be helping right now, and thankfully, they have the resources to be able to get help at home with housekeeping, etc. Also, she's made many friends through the years, "doing unto others". I pray the same kindness will find it's way back to her.

[CNA2day]

I am sorry to hear that alzheimers has affected you personally. I also have a good friend who has been diagnosed with alzheimers. I have to say the medication he is on to control it is AMAZING! He went from not even being able to finish a task to finishing tasks easily and effectively and being highly motivated to start another. He can remember what he did earlier that day... it is truly amazing!!

On the flip side two of my favorite residents are alzheimers patients. One man is almost totally dependent on his ADL's but is so fun to talk to. He does everything he loves on a daily basis in his head! He is always fishing, he "cooks" me fish, he shows me how many he caught. He fixes the cars, the fence, keeps the cows in... it is amazing! He may not be the same person that he wa before this disease but he is happy and content! I truly enjoy him and he is not suffering!

The other reisdent is pleasently confused. She walks around and tells everyone how beautiful they are. She loves to follow the staff around and talk to them.. she really is a sweet old lady!

I know that you loose your sence of self with this disease, however most of the patients with late stages of this disease are happy and content in their world, and they are more then happy to let you into it if you are willing!

[leslie :-D]

I know that you loose your sence of self with this disease, however most of the patients with late stages of this disease are happy and content in their world, and they are more then happy to let you into it if you are willing!

what a great closing statement, cna2day!

so very true.

a therapeutic, meaningful relationship can exist with late-stage alzheimers, IF you can meet them where they are.

join their world, and not vice-versa.

believe me, they know when they're being cared for respectfully and lovingly.

leslie