So it's been a little over 1 year since I became a RN...and things have never seemed more gloomy. I really thought I would like being a nurse and I would eventually fall into my comfort zone just like every other job I worked before becoming a nurse. But that hasn't been the case at all. Instead, I have never felt so depressed in all my life. So I am just going to let out how I am feeling and if anyone wants to share their opinion or give advice feel free.
I began my adventures in nursing in the Neuro ICU on night shift. Although orientation was hard as hell, I was optimistic back then, and was confident that I would be an awesome new nurse. Several other new nurses who started when I did, didn't even make it through orientation. But I made it through and I was excited about helping my patients. As soon as orientation ended...the party ended as well. All my sugar coated ways of thinking how it would be were smashed into a million pieces as reality set in. The Neuro-surgeons were arrogant and never very nice. I was ripped a new one by a Critical Care doctor for something that was the previous shift's fault. Nobody on my unit tried to stick up for me...they just gawked as I was screamed at for 10 minutes. I was only given apologies when I let my nursing manager know. I constantly had to search for help. I was given patients who had just coded before change of shift (my second week on my own as a brand new nurse) with no support from my co-workers. I felt like I was drowning so many times during my shift...desperate to make sure my patients were safe and that I was catching everything. It was difficult to find anyone who would help me when I needed someone. I was always being pressured to move faster...get charting done quicker, etc. Then one day, something awful happened. My patient had a bad reaction to a IVP medication given by me...and although this was not my fault either (I had followed the order exactly as written by the resident and had asked many of my colleagues about the safety of giving the medication IVP before administering it, and I gave it very slow) I still felt awful about it, going over in my head what I could've done to prevent something like this from happening. The patient turned out to be fine...but I was not. I have been terrified of giving IVP medications since the incident, even though I have given many since that were all fine. I obsess over them all the time. I continue to move pretty slow...making sure everything is safe. Some other crappy things that have happened to me include the following:
One night I tried to shift a patient by myself (thinking I'm invincible since I'm young and strong at 23...stupid) because nobody was around to help me and I ended up straining my back pretty badly.
I had an AIDS patient cough bloody sputum in my eye when I was changing a dressing near their shoulder.
I always felt sick from working the night shift. My body just felt funky.
After 6 months at the place, I tried to throw the towel in. My managers convinced me to stay...telling me how good of a nurse I am and how much the patients love me. They offered me some time off since I had endured some hardships that most new grads don't have straightaway and gave me a few weeks off...which I thought would help me gather my thoughts and solve some problems. Instead I returned to work with more dread. I began to make it through my shifts easier and a little bit faster...but the strong distaste and dread never left. I cried almost every day before going to work, grateful to return home in the morning. I knew I needed to get out of there for my own sanity...but being the fighter I am, I was determined to make it through so I could have 1 whole year of nursing experience in an ICU. I did make it, but by that time...I didn't even know if I wanted to be a nurse anymore.
I've been a happy, extroverted, fun person my whole life. I was a good student who could accomplish anything I set out to do. These feelings of defeat and depression were unfamiliar to me. I wasn't sure how to proceed. Although I desperately wanted out of nursing, my friends and family encouraged me to try another area of nursing on dayshift that I might like. So last month I started a job in the ED on dayshift. I really liked it at first. But our ED is also the busiest in the state and a hospital in the area just closed down a few weeks ago, so we are getting slammed way beyond normal...and I am trying very hard to learn the ropes around there while this is all occurring. As my orientation is quickly coming to an end...I wonder how I will ever get everything done that I am supposed to (I am not used to having 4 patients). I don't know what I would've done some days if my preceptor hadn't been there to help me. I am terrified of being on my own...again. I feel that same awful feeling of drowning and dread that I felt at my last job. My preceptor tells everyone how great I am...and I just smile and say thank you, when really I want to scream. I want to take good care of my patients...but I feel stretched beyond belief. So I am in a sticky situation once more.
So I really don't know what to do. I am beginning to think nursing just isn't right for me. I am always tired and stressed and feel depressed. I am even considering seeing a counselor for the first time in my life. Although I am told I am good at it, I am not happy. I would love to go back to school for anything that is not in the medical field...but I do not have the means for that right now. I went to school on scholarship and do not have the money to go back right now. What do you think? Should I continue to stick nursing out in hopes it will get better? I am pretty miserable. I am not sure if another area will fix that or not. Sorry this is so long. I appreciate you guys. God bless everyone in nursing who was made for it and loves it. I don't know how you guys do it.
Specializes in CNA, Surgical, Pediatrics, SDS, ER.
You sound like you are a great nurse you just had a bad introduction into nursing. I've been a nurse for a little over 2 yrs and I relate to how you are feeling that's how it is for me when I'm in the ER.:uhoh21: Don't give up maybe try a different area that does not involve critical care or a high stress environment.
I started out w/ 1yr med surg then moved to ED where I've been for about 9mo. and it's still stressful for me there. My NM told me that it takes a good 2 years to get a good solid base for the ER.
I have now been working on SDS lately and I find that is where my real nitch is. :heartbeat I absolutly love it I look forward to going to work and I feel totaly comfortable there more so than in the ER. When you find where you fit in and where you want to be as a nurse you'll love it.
Specializes in Peds Urology,primary care, hem/onc.
First off all, congrats on surviving your first year in a very stressful and not supportive enviroment and doing very well.
Your story sounds like mine when I was a new nurse. I was on a bone marrow transplant/Oncology floor. A lot of patients we had on the floor would, in other hospitals, have been in the ICU. The enviroment was just like yours, no help, no support. It is just not what a new grad needs. I felt the exact same way you do now, felt depressed, scared, anxious.
I think you need to find an enviroment with less acuity that is completely different than what you are used to. Sounds like you are still in a high stress area. I ended up going to a doctor's office (only non-hospital job I could get at the time) which ended up being perfect b/c I could build my confidence and there was a low level of acuity. After a few years, I ended up getting bored and going back to grad school and am back in a high acuity area and doing fine. I think it is SO important to be in an area where you are supported and people build your confidence.
I think you have done VERY well given all you have had to deal with .
Take some time to take care of YOU and find the best place to be. You are not less of a nurse b/c the ICU or ER is too high of an acuity for you right now. That is more a product of the enviroment you were in than the quality of nurse you are. You need some time to "undo" the damage to your confidence that they broke down.
You put too much time into becoming a nurse and have endured too much to throw the towel in now. There are so many things that you can do as a nurse so you shouln't have to torture yourself. I have worked in the ICU - both peds and adults. Teamwork is essential in that type of an environment. There is only so much two hands can do at once.
I had a job that I absolutely hated (and I was experienced at this point) and I kept telling myself that I needed to stick it out and that it would get better. I was physically ill when I was getting ready for work. I lasted 7 1/2 months before I quit. It was such a relief. I am now working in a unit where the politics stink beyond belief but I like my job so I go to work and go home and minimize my involvement with that drama as much as possible. I start grad school next month so I don't feel compelled to be a change agent. I guess I am just biding my time at this point. I believe that as long as I am getting something out of the situation I will continue on. When my job is so bad that I'm sick then it's time for me to go. I don't believe in being disrespected or abused on the job. I speak up in situations where I felt I have been wronged and I remind myself that there are numerous options out there for me.
There have been many great suggestions posted on other areas to try. PACU and same day surgery can be fast paced but a pleasant change from the unit. You could always get an office job or do something more laid-back like mother/baby. I personally am partial to L&D, but I know that it's not for everyone. Good luck in whatever you choose.
You should try working in a different field. I work In HOME. Low stress, slow pass on the most part. I have been a nurse for about 12 yrs. I will admit after I got out of school I thought what have I just got myself into?? The shifts were demanding, the staff was demanding, pts were demanding. I figured out real quick I hated hospital work with a passion. Nursing home I enjoyed but the schedule wasn't. You should try working in a different area, school nurse, education, etc. You may find you are able to enjoy life more. No job is worth your peace of mind you have to care for yourself before you can for others. I wish you only the best.:redbeathe
Perhaps leaving night shift may help. Typically, there is more staff on day shift and therefore (theoretically) more help available. Nursing may be for you, I personally don't feel a new grad should be placed in critical care. It's not fair. I think a year or two on a med surge floor really helps a new nurse "find her/his groove" - that is where you learn to be a nurse, to separate nursing school from the real world.
Try another shift and a change to a less acute floor - give yourself time to heal from the horrors you've experienced. Again, a seasoned nurse would have had difficulty, a new nurse would have and should have found it nearly overwhelming.
You may find you want to end up working in critical care. First, hone your skills and gain confidence.
Specializes in Community Health, Med-Surg, Home Health.
I am so sorry this has been your experience so far. It makes me really disgusted with the education system that misleads nurses without adequate clinical experience, as well as the hospitals that expect you to jump out of the uterus running to fly.
I do believe that another area is best. I do wish you luck!
Thank you everyone so much who has replied. You have helped so much and made me feel a whole lot better. I appreciate your support and insight. :redbeathe
You have gotten some really good advice here. I just wanted to add not all floors/hospitals are like the one you work at. I have been a nurse for almost 2 years...started on MS, then Tele. I was floated all over the hospital & I hated it! I did have an excellent preceptor & everyone was always willing to help......makes a huge difference! I am now in ER love it but I am really not comfortable ...yet. I stared that in around Jan. of this year...floated of course. I was getting an excellent orientation....then my preceptor got sick. One day I would be on orientation & then the next day I would be on my own....next couple of days orientation...then back own my own...you get the picture.
If I had gotten the orientation I should have I think I would be a lot more confident. There is so much I don't have a clue about & to tell ya the truth I am scared to death most of the time. I know I have a lot to learn....but it just takes time. I understand the pressure you feel...I feel it too. I will say the nurses I work with are great...they are ALWAYS there to help & show me how to do anything I am unsure about. The point of this big long ramble is to let you know you are not alone. Find a place where you have teamwork & support......it will still be hard but a least you won't feel so alone! I think you have a lot of courage & determination.....just look how far you have come in a years time! Good luck to you. :icon_hug:
Think of starting a new job as starting a new exercise program. After the first couple of days, you're going to be as sore as all get out. As you continue to advance, it is going to be a little unpleasant at times. Given that, you might be prematurely ruling out your current position. Your preceptor seems to believe that you have the aptitude, and things are as you state a bit more hectic there than usual r/t a nearby facility closing.
You should mention your feelings and concerns to your preceptor and supervisor, they might be willing to extend your orientation or otherwise help ease your transition. Just smiling when she compliments you and not pointing out where you feel weak is making it impossible for her and others to properly assist you in becoming comfortable, which will take a lot of time. If I were you, I'd give it a little more time before I made a firm decision to switch jobs. I noticed that you didn't list any complaints concerning your current position other than that you don't know how you'll fit everything in, but that's something that you should be able to learn over time, especially if you've got a supportive team.
I am beginning to think nursing just isn't right for me. I am always tired and stressed and feel depressed. I am even considering seeing a counselor for the first time in my life. Although I am told I am good at it, I am not happy. I would love to go back to school for anything that is not in the medical field...but I do not have the means for that right now. I went to school on scholarship and do not have the money to go back right now. What do you think? Should I continue to stick nursing out in hopes it will get better? I am pretty miserable. I am not sure if another area will fix that or not. Sorry this is so long. I appreciate you guys. God bless everyone in nursing who was made for it and loves it. I don't know how you guys do it.
SDS_RN, RN
346 Posts
You sound like you are a great nurse you just had a bad introduction into nursing. I've been a nurse for a little over 2 yrs and I relate to how you are feeling that's how it is for me when I'm in the ER.:uhoh21: Don't give up maybe try a different area that does not involve critical care or a high stress environment.
I started out w/ 1yr med surg then moved to ED where I've been for about 9mo. and it's still stressful for me there.
My NM told me that it takes a good 2 years to get a good solid base for the ER.
I have now been working on SDS lately and I find that is where my real nitch is. :heartbeat I absolutly love it I look forward to going to work and I feel totaly comfortable there more so than in the ER. When you find where you fit in and where you want to be as a nurse you'll love it.