After A Year of Nursing...I Still Feel Like I'm Dieing

[actress8503]

So it's been a little over 1 year since I became a RN...and things have never seemed more gloomy. I really thought I would like being a nurse and I would eventually fall into my comfort zone just like every other job I worked before becoming a nurse. But that hasn't been the case at all. Instead, I have never felt so depressed in all my life. So I am just going to let out how I am feeling and if anyone wants to share their opinion or give advice feel free.

I began my adventures in nursing in the Neuro ICU on night shift. Although orientation was hard as hell, I was optimistic back then, and was confident that I would be an awesome new nurse. Several other new nurses who started when I did, didn't even make it through orientation. But I made it through and I was excited about helping my patients. As soon as orientation ended...the party ended as well. All my sugar coated ways of thinking how it would be were smashed into a million pieces as reality set in. The Neuro-surgeons were arrogant and never very nice. I was ripped a new one by a Critical Care doctor for something that was the previous shift's fault. Nobody on my unit tried to stick up for me...they just gawked as I was screamed at for 10 minutes. I was only given apologies when I let my nursing manager know. I constantly had to search for help. I was given patients who had just coded before change of shift (my second week on my own as a brand new nurse) with no support from my co-workers. I felt like I was drowning so many times during my shift...desperate to make sure my patients were safe and that I was catching everything. It was difficult to find anyone who would help me when I needed someone. I was always being pressured to move faster...get charting done quicker, etc. Then one day, something awful happened. My patient had a bad reaction to a IVP medication given by me...and although this was not my fault either (I had followed the order exactly as written by the resident and had asked many of my colleagues about the safety of giving the medication IVP before administering it, and I gave it very slow) I still felt awful about it, going over in my head what I could've done to prevent something like this from happening. The patient turned out to be fine...but I was not. I have been terrified of giving IVP medications since the incident, even though I have given many since that were all fine. I obsess over them all the time. I continue to move pretty slow...making sure everything is safe. Some other crappy things that have happened to me include the following:

One night I tried to shift a patient by myself (thinking I'm invincible since I'm young and strong at 23...stupid) because nobody was around to help me and I ended up straining my back pretty badly.

I had an AIDS patient cough bloody sputum in my eye when I was changing a dressing near their shoulder.

I always felt sick from working the night shift. My body just felt funky.

After 6 months at the place, I tried to throw the towel in. My managers convinced me to stay...telling me how good of a nurse I am and how much the patients love me. They offered me some time off since I had endured some hardships that most new grads don't have straightaway and gave me a few weeks off...which I thought would help me gather my thoughts and solve some problems. Instead I returned to work with more dread. I began to make it through my shifts easier and a little bit faster...but the strong distaste and dread never left. I cried almost every day before going to work, grateful to return home in the morning. I knew I needed to get out of there for my own sanity...but being the fighter I am, I was determined to make it through so I could have 1 whole year of nursing experience in an ICU. I did make it, but by that time...I didn't even know if I wanted to be a nurse anymore.

I've been a happy, extroverted, fun person my whole life. I was a good student who could accomplish anything I set out to do. These feelings of defeat and depression were unfamiliar to me. I wasn't sure how to proceed. Although I desperately wanted out of nursing, my friends and family encouraged me to try another area of nursing on dayshift that I might like. So last month I started a job in the ED on dayshift. I really liked it at first. But our ED is also the busiest in the state and a hospital in the area just closed down a few weeks ago, so we are getting slammed way beyond normal...and I am trying very hard to learn the ropes around there while this is all occurring. As my orientation is quickly coming to an end...I wonder how I will ever get everything done that I am supposed to (I am not used to having 4 patients). I don't know what I would've done some days if my preceptor hadn't been there to help me. I am terrified of being on my own...again. I feel that same awful feeling of drowning and dread that I felt at my last job. My preceptor tells everyone how great I am...and I just smile and say thank you, when really I want to scream. I want to take good care of my patients...but I feel stretched beyond belief. So I am in a sticky situation once more.

So I really don't know what to do. I am beginning to think nursing just isn't right for me. I am always tired and stressed and feel depressed. I am even considering seeing a counselor for the first time in my life. Although I am told I am good at it, I am not happy. I would love to go back to school for anything that is not in the medical field...but I do not have the means for that right now. I went to school on scholarship and do not have the money to go back right now. What do you think? Should I continue to stick nursing out in hopes it will get better? I am pretty miserable. I am not sure if another area will fix that or not. Sorry this is so long. I appreciate you guys. God bless everyone in nursing who was made for it and loves it. I don't know how you guys do it.

[pezzy68]

First off, congrats for becoming a nurse AND sticking with it, despite the feelings and problems you have had.In my opinion, from what i read in your post, you are EXACTLY what a nurse is.You are educated, caring,assertive, conscientious.I think , maybe the floor and type of nursing you are in may be not the right place for you.Maybe it is the type of pt's(hard, esp for a new nurse),the unit itself(co workers, managers)If other new nurses have quit, perhaps it is something the unit or management as a whole needs to address.ICU''S can be clickish and hard on new nurses, and employees.I think you should try a different unit, but definitely Not quit nursing.!!When you find the right place for you, it was be awesome for you and even more so for your pt's and coworkers!!Good luck, keep us posted..God bless....

[cupcake25]

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. I really feel that starting out as a new grad is just too overwhelming in the ICU. I guess I am from the old school where a year of med surg really helps to build a solid foundation in nursing. It doesn't sound like the ER is for you. I think I would look for a job maybe on telemetry or a stepdown unit where you might feel more comfortable. You have made it this far. I hope you stick it out.

[JettaDP]

I truly don't know what you're going through because I'm not even a nurse yet. I start my program this fall. So I don't know if my advice will help you, but I will try. So here goes....... Maybe you need to try a different setting all together. Maybe being in a hospital isn't the right place for you. What about a surgery center or long term care? Or maybe a hospice. Or a family practice. Is there a specific reason that you want to be in a hospital? I know that one reason why nursing is such an appealing field is because there are so many different areas you can go into.

So my advice is to not give up yet. Explore your options. You just need to find an area will make you happy. And you never know, the area that you swore you would never go into may be the happiest place for you.

Good luck. I hope you find a happy place.

[PiPhi2004]

I am sorry you are feeling so badly. It seems like you had NO support in your first job. I would feel like I'm drowning in that position too. If it weren't for the great amount of support in my unit I would feel much the same. That really sucks that nobody would speak up for you, especially not the charge nurse on duty!!! I have had surgeons try to start things like this with me and I immediately get a more seasoned nurse (usually charge)to explain the situation in a way I feel I cannot with my inexperience. If someone yelled at me like that I also have plenty of support to be able to write them up in a hot second and have anyone there stand up for me. Everyday I have to ask questions and I feel lost. It seems as soon as I get comfortable I get a train wreck where I have to learn everything all over again. I started off in the ICU at 22 years of age too. I am now 23 and the youngest person on my unit. The first few months I felt exactly the same as you. I am now starting to get comfortable where I am but its still rough. I am starting to build a thick skin and let things roll off of me. I think you were kind of in a losing situation in your first job. Do you think you have lost confidence in yourself because of the toxic environment you were in? I know that after days of being constantly beaten down I my confidence goes straight to zero and I couldn't give an advil the right way to save my life.

If you still feel that hospital nursing is not right for you, the bright side is you have a year of experience. You can probably go into research if you would like or maybe teach nursing at a community college. You could try home health. You could try outpatient or PACU where its more slower pace. I think you would feel 100% different about nursing if you had a lot of support around you. Are you switching jobs in the same hospital? Can you switch hospitals? Maybe your hospital doesnt support nurses as well as it should, especially new grads. You have a TON of options!

[juliemcd]

Hi there.....

I am so very sorry about how you are feeling right now. I am a BRAND NEW nurse myself but can identify with how you are feeling. I felt the same way ALL thru nursing school. I DREADED clinicals for the ENTIRE 2 years. I was afraid that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I too cried almost everyday after clinicals. For me, it was the fish out of water feeling, the most often times not so great preceptors/support etc....

Like you, I hung in there with the hope that once school was done it would be better. Who knows what will happen but I am optimistic. Anyway...

I agree about you moving to days. I worked as a Nurse Extern last summer on nights (I typically love nights) and found myself feeling just how you described... depressed, tired, overwhelmed. I think a lot of that was just the stress of being in a position I had never been in before (nursing), trying to learn, be competent and prove myself to the staff all while being absolutely exhausted. Not a good combination. I hope to hold off nights until I become more sure of my role, confidence etc....

I don't know if this will help you at all but I have worked in a hospital for 7 years now in a ED doing registration actually. During that time and during nursing school, I asked a TON of ED, Critical Care (those are my interest's as well) nurses where I should start out and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM strongly suggested working on a a med-surg unit FIRST for atleast 1 year if not 2.

They told me, that way, you are experiencing A LOT more, able to strongly enhance critical thinking, prioritizing and delegation. Not one nurse said anything different. Also, nurses who went straight from nursing school to the ED or CC units told me they wished they would have started out in Med-surg. They said it would have made the transition from student to RN much smoother.

Hope that helps. Maybe that is the route you should take. Does your hospital have a med-surg internship available? That is what I am doing. Basically, I will spend about 1 month on each med-surg floor and will have a preceptor the entire time. The internship lasts 6 months. I will not be completely on my own for that entire time. I like that because of the whole transition thing. Maybe you could take that route and then return to ED/CC. From my understanding, both ED and CC are difficult places for new nurses to start. Keep my posted... hope things get better for you.

[Ima Nurse]

Cupcake25 is so right in what she said. I took an ER position as a new grad and was scared to death. It took alot of courage for me to admit that *I* just wasn't ready for that. I went to my NM and talked to her, and she helped me transfer to the med/surg floor. I can not stress enough how that made all the difference. My preceptor was awesome, and I learned good time management skills. As my med/surg preceptor told me, you can't know abnormal until you get a good grasp on what normal is.

After 2 years of med/surg, I was offered a position in the nursery. I accepted, and I didn't have that fear that I had working ER. My med/surg experience gave me confidence in myself and I had learned to trust my instincts and knowledge.

Do yourself a favor. Back up and find a med/surg position before you just totally give up on nursing. I had the same feelings as you when I was working ER so I know what you are feeling. It is very scarey to be so overwhelmed and anxious. Hang in there! Good luck!

[lindarn]

I am sorry you are feeling so badly. It seems like you had NO support in your first job. I would feel like I'm drowning in that position too. If it weren't for the great amount of support in my unit I would feel much the same. That really sucks that nobody would speak up for you, especially not the charge nurse on duty!!! I have had surgeons try to start things like this with me and I immediately get a more seasoned nurse (usually charge)to explain the situation in a way I feel I cannot with my inexperience. If someone yelled at me like that I also have plenty of support to be able to write them up in a hot second and have anyone there stand up for me. Everyday I have to ask questions and I feel lost. It seems as soon as I get comfortable I get a train wreck where I have to learn everything all over again. I started off in the ICU at 22 years of age too. I am now 23 and the youngest person on my unit. The first few months I felt exactly the same as you. I am now starting to get comfortable where I am but its still rough. I am starting to build a thick skin and let things roll off of me. I think you were kind of in a losing situation in your first job. Do you think you have lost confidence in yourself because of the toxic environment you were in? I know that after days of being constantly beaten down I my confidence goes straight to zero and I couldn't give an advil the right way to save my life.

If you still feel that hospital nursing is not right for you, the bright side is you have a year of experience. You can probably go into research if you would like or maybe teach nursing at a community college. You could try home health. You could try outpatient or PACU where its more slower pace. I think you would feel 100% different about nursing if you had a lot of support around you. Are you switching jobs in the same hospital? Can you switch hospitals? Maybe your hospital doesnt support nurses as well as it should, especially new grads. You have a TON of options!

This is all the more reason that nurses need to get over feeling that it is mandatory for new grad to be able to hit the ground running the day after graduation. No other

profession with as much responsibilty as nursing expects the same of their new practioners. They ALL have a six month to one year paid internship where they are taught the job skills, not book knowledge, that is necessary to know to survive. And have the support of a preceptor, whose job it is too mentor and guide the new nurse to attain the skills that they need. Why is it different in nursing? The sink or swim mentality is killing the profession and driving new nurses away from the bedside.

JMHO, and my NY $0.02.

Lindarn, RN, BSN, CCRN

Spokane, Washington

[uscstu4lfe]

that really sucks. it seems like the team oriented atmosphere is non-existant. perhaps you should give it a shot at another hospital? i work in a unit where we can all ask each other questions and we're all more than willing to help each other, and i think that really makes a difference at the end of the day. i can't imagine having to work in an environment where there is very little support from your colleagues, i th ink that should make me feel like crap!

[WindyhillBSN]

Wow! If I were you, since you now have some experience under your belt, I definitely would look for a new job! You are a great nurse who should have her pick of floors to work on! I really hope you can find a job on day shift too! Lot's of Hospitals save day shifts for nurses with experience. I don't think nursing is the problem, I think it's the place or floor that you're working on.

[yeSICU]

Have you considered PACU, angio, or IR/cath lab? A lot of our ICU nurses migrate there when they have reached their wits end and need a change of pace. I have heard nothing but wonderful things from them about their job changes. I think in these areas you could enjoy the parts of nursing you like and cut out the things that are affecting you negatively. Honestly, I feel like if the ICU is stressful for you the ER will be a lot worse, especially in a busy site. Plus an ER nurse could potentially juggle a handful of ICU/progressive level patients at once in a very stressful and emotional environment. Just my 2cents. Stick with it though. There are so many opportunities in Nursing that you shouldn't quit so soon in the game. Evaluate what you want in an ideal career and research the variety of nursing roles out there. You will find your niche! Good luck hon!

[Wishinonastar, BSN]

Sometimes you have to find your niche. I had great dreams of being a LifeFlight nurse. I started out on on orthopedic floor at a large hospital. I learned a lot about trauma but I counted every single day for a year to pass to get out of there. I was so miserable. I have never worked with a less supportive meaner bunch in my life. Then I took the first job to come along. It was too boring- passing meds at a small facility for the disabled. Another mistake. Then I applied for an oncology job at a nice size hospital and they instead put me on a telemetry unit. I could not get a transfer because they were so desperate for help, so I left. I got into a home health agency at a local hospital and I loved it. It was everything right about nursing that I wanted. Just enough technology to be interesting, and I used all my skills. I was independent. I have been in home health now for 21 years and though it has changed a lot, it is definitely my niche. I have worked other part-time jobs to try out different things on the side, but nothing compares to home health. Don't give up and waste your education. Find a workplace that suits what you are looking for.