advice for concern please!

BadBird, BSN, RN · Nov 9, 2005

Well since you asked, No I don't think it is ok to marry below yourself. I don't mean to sound snobby because at first it may be ok but you will grow to resent him. I have seen it happen so many times to friends and myself. I believe you might have this thought in the back of your head or else why even ask. I wish you luck.

MIA-RN1, RN · Nov 11, 2005

well call me a romantic but if you love each other and have the same values and committments, then what is the problem?

Lots of men marry women who stay at home, why is that different than a woman marrying a man who stays home? Gender roles are not written in stone.

The fact that you are questioning shows insight on your part. Why not the two of you go in for a brief counseling session and explore these feelings? It will help you clarify and make your decision a little easier.

ear · Nov 11, 2005

Hi there,

My husband and I are pretty much planning to do that. I am also still a student, but working full time. After graduation, and employment as a nurse, I will be making more than I am now. I think you have great insight to be asking before you move forward with plans. My hubby isnt so great with dealing with stress, which there will be lots of with children, and being able to make those split second decisions. we have also discussed, if we cant cut it with just me "bringing in the bacon" other options. I think that it can work, but also ask yourself if he is really motivated to change plans if they need to change. If for some reason you wont be able to work (ie: around a pregnancy) will he go out and pick up enough money to support you (and baby) for a couple of months if need be? Not having a college education doesnt mean he cant make over 15,000 a year, but if he chooses not to that is a different story. I dont know how living expences are there, but I know where we are, we need to make those back up plans.

Best wishes to you!!

FirstYear2005 · Nov 11, 2005

my husband will be a cop, i'll be a nurse, and more than likely i'll make a little more than him. i dont think it's marrying 'below' ! Do what your heart tells you but don't be naive about it.... LET ME TELL YOU there is nothing more stressful than being *broke* ... been there done that. It can do a number on a marriage.

Luck to you !!!!!!!:balloons:

Bipley · Nov 11, 2005

A friend of mine was a big exec at the leading sugar company. (US posters have likely purchased their sugar at your grocery store). He was hauling in the bucks in CA. While he was working he was putting his wife through college.

She was offered a job making a LOT more money than he was, they moved to WA to follow her job and he couldn't find a job making nearly what he was making at the sugar company. They ended up having a baby and he has become Mr. Mom and she has become the bread winner of the family.

At first it was a pretty good ego blow for him but now that he has settled into his role as Mr. Mom he really seems to enjoy it. He is actually playing around with ideas he has always wanted to do but couldn't because the money wasn't as good (photography). It took some adjustments but they are all quite happy now.

It was just kind of odd to see him going from the mega bread winner to Mr. Mom, but it works for them.

I think the old traditional thinking of the male as having to be the main bread winner is evolving. You know, we really can't have it both ways. We can't insist that people value a full time Mom with the same respect as the bread winner and then turn around and snub the concept of her being the bread winner. Either being a full time home maker has merit or it doesn't. It can't only have merit if SHE is doing it. It has equal merit when HE is doing it.

**RosesrReder, BSN, MSN, RN** · Nov 11, 2005

Well since you asked, No I don't think it is ok to marry below yourself. I don't mean to sound snobby because at first it may be ok but you will grow to resent him. I have seen it happen so many times to friends and myself. I believe you might have this thought in the back of your head or else why even ask. I wish you luck.

I think to the contrary of this.

I think you are doing the right thing. Good luck :)

veronica butterfly, ADN, RN · Nov 11, 2005

Hi all! I am a nursing student and I will be graduating in a year or so. I am well aware that nursing is not some great paying job but my heart is totally in it. I will be working in Houston, Texas where the pay is pretty good. This is my dilemma: My boyfriend does not have a college education and will probably never make over 15k a year. He is an artist, dedicated to his passion and family, and a wonderful man. I have always imagined him as a stay at home dad eventually and so has he. I am worried about what the future will hold for us. Do you guys think that this is an okay situation - me as breadwinner, etc. or will we be starving? I am happy to own a townhome instead of a house with an average car, etc. just as long as I am happy. Also, he is low maintenance, not at all into fancy things.:uhoh21:

A lot happens in a lifetime and one thing is for sure is that it most likely won't be what you planned (personal experience!!). As one poster said, just because he doesn't have a college education doesn't mean he'll never make over $15,000. Not sure how old you guys are, but I went back to school for nursing when I was 40. Artists make money too, maybe now he's content to sell a few pics or sell jewelry at a craft fair, but who knows, he may fall into an interest that will propel his interests to new heights, or have incredible success at something he's making now. When I was 25, I was a lot different than I am now. My second husband married me when I was making $11/hr as a nursing assistant. He has put me through school and I am excited to be making more than him when I graduate in the spring. He has an average job and I look forward to bringing home more money. We too are not into the glamorous lifestyle because of values, not because it's unattainable. I still don't plan on working fulltime when I'm an RN, 3-4 days a week will pay our bills just fine. I think it sounds like you have a nice life ahead of you!!

nnurse · Nov 11, 2005

Well since you asked, No I don't think it is ok to marry below yourself. I don't mean to sound snobby because at first it may be ok but you will grow to resent him. I have seen it happen so many times to friends and myself. I believe you might have this thought in the back of your head or else why even ask. I wish you luck.

I completely disagree with this post. Just because your spouse has a lesser paying job than you does not mean that you are "marrying below yourself" That isn't what makes a marriage successful. It is mutual respect for one another.

Our opinions don't really matter. What matters is how you and your boyfriend feel about you possibly making more money and that he might be a stay at home dad.

Go with your heart. If you have no doubts that he is the one for you then go for it.

Good luck!

tvccrn, ASN, RN · Nov 11, 2005

Well since you asked, No I don't think it is ok to marry below yourself. I don't mean to sound snobby because at first it may be ok but you will grow to resent him. I have seen it happen so many times to friends and myself. I believe you might have this thought in the back of your head or else why even ask. I wish you luck.

:angryfire :angryfire

I am not even going to dignify this with any other comment.

llg, PhD, RN · Nov 11, 2005

I'd give the same advice whether it was the wife expecting to be the bread winner or the husband ...

Whenever one spouse "brings home the bacon" and the other "stays at home," it sets up certain dynamics in the relationship. While the passionate romance is in full swing, most couples cope just fine -- but over the long haul, some of those dynamics eat away at the relationship. This happens even when the breadwinner is the man and the housekeeper is the woman. Just watch the Suze Orman show: she deals with this all the time.

How will you feel when you have to work up to the day you go into labor because you can't afford to take a lot of time off with each of your children? How will you feel having to return to work ASAP after delivery while he gets to stay home and take care of the babies?

How will you feel if/when he starts spending your hard-earned money buying stuff for himself and the kids that you may not agree with? And let's face, no matter how good the relationship is, there will be times when you do not agree with his decisions. No 2 people ever agree on everything.

How will you feel when you come home from work exhausted and find that he has been "goofing off" most of the day (when the kids are in school) and not doing some of the chores around the house that you think should have been done?

How will you feel when he wants to take some fun trip or do something fun with the kids and you can't go because you have to work. How will you feel about his living off your income when that happens repeatedly and you are paying for his fun times?

How will you handle it when he wants a divorce in 15 years and the judge orders you to pay alimony for the rest of your life to "keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed?" Also, if he has been the kids' primary care giver and been a good father, the kids will probably live with him. While you probably won't mind paying the child support, you might not like paying to support him AND HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND!

Regardless of which gender is taking which role ... that model whereby one spouse earns the money and the other doesn't has its drawbacks. There is a big difference between situations in which both spouses have careers and the wife makes more money .... and one in which the husband has no ambitions for a career and expects to be financially supported for the rest of his life.

It's your life and certainly I don't know you or your boyfriend. But I have seen lots of marriages go through a lot of changes and tough times. Before you agree to take on supporting this guy for the rest of his life and yours, you had better be sure you are willing to live with the potential consequences.

Perhaps a good pre-nuptual agreement might be in order here.

llg

sugabuga · Nov 11, 2005

I completely agree with llg.