advice for concern please!

FroggysMom · Nov 11, 2005

Well since you asked, No I don't think it is ok to marry below yourself. I don't mean to sound snobby because at first it may be ok but you will grow to resent him. I have seen it happen so many times to friends and myself. I believe you might have this thought in the back of your head or else why even ask. I wish you luck.

Hmmm, I married "below myself" 39 years ago. Guess its not going to work out then, will it?

It's all in your attitude.

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 11, 2005

One critical piece of advice: Work things out NOW. Meaning, Just be perfectly clear on who will fill what roles in the marriage and parenting...and be VERY clear on finances from the start. This would work both ways. It's sure not easy to have one parent (mom or dad) staying at home fulltime-----but it is very do-able. Be sure you are very able to live in modest means and satisfied with your roles, and you will be just fine.

I wish I knew what "marrying beneath one" means-----if that means, one has more education or makes more, or works outside the home, and the other stays home----- and this would make one "above the other"----well, then, I would challenge that notion. Many of us have done this for years. For years, I was the one w/the college education, yet my dh the full-time breadwinner as active duty military-----but in NO way did either of us consider one "above" the other. We were just very comfortable in our roles as spouses and parents.

You have to find what works and stick to it! GOOD LUCK!

katy_kenemy · Nov 11, 2005

I think you should go for it! Then you can really call yourself both a feminist and a romantic! And nobody can argue with you because you will be living it! I would do the same thing in a second, if I had (sigh) a man to do it with.

DaFreak71 · Nov 11, 2005

Since the both of you are aware that you will most likely be the main source of income, and this is obviously ok with the both of you, I don't see a problem. It would be a big problem if the two of you hadn't discussed this and then you find out years later that he had no intention of getting a traditional job. Communication is key. You know youself better than anyone, you have to be honest and decide if this is something you are truly at peace with, not just now, but in the forseeable future. People change over time and it's not unrealistic to think that what may sound like a good plan now, doesn't always turn out to be that way forever. I would highly suggest that you don't agree to something that will be a forever sort of thing. If it works for now, great. But at least keep the lines of communication open so that it can be renegotiated in the future as your circumstances change. I would personally not have a problem with this arrangement if my husband (or partner) was more willing to attend college (even just a junior college). It's awfully hard to know what you want to do for the rest of your life if you haven't been exposed to various alternatives. I would also expect that my partner would want to improve himself in this way. He can always study art there!

Best Wishes!

P_RN, ADN, RN · Nov 12, 2005

Marrying beneath? No, my hubby is a bit taller than I am.

Money, what does that matter?

He's proud I'm a Mom and a Nurse.

I'm proud of what a fantastic Dad he is. We have two highly intelligent kids, both have Bachelors and one is almost finished with the second Masters .

When I got really bad physically, he took early retirement to take care of me. We've been married over 40 years.

Beneath? Never. In my world there is no such thing.

Together, for better, for worse, forever.

texgalrn · Nov 13, 2005

Oh, you guys are so great! Originally I only received the first post, not so positive, and it was hard to swallow. BUT thenI got the replies from all of you and I just smiled so big - I love the support and the advice. You guys rock! Now.....does anyone have any budgeting or financial advice?

pedinurse05 · Nov 13, 2005

Well since you asked, No I don't think it is ok to marry below yourself. I don't mean to sound snobby because at first it may be ok but you will grow to resent him. I have seen it happen so many times to friends and myself. I believe you might have this thought in the back of your head or else why even ask. I wish you luck.

No one is below anyone else. The richest person in the world can have their earthly goods lost in seconds (as God has pointed out to us through hurricanes, fires, and other natural disasters). We are all humans first and foremost...some are just more fortunate than others with earthly belongings. When it is all said and done we can't take our earth wealth with us but rather our kindness, compassion, and good works. If you love your boyfriend/spouse then that is what counts. Often happiness can't be found in money but rather family and the time you spend with them. If it is meant to be it will all come together.

Missy

bjm · Nov 13, 2005

OK, here is a very honest reply. I will not tell you rather this is for you or not but I will give you something to think about. In this last year, I had to leave work for foot surgery...was out for 5 months. This week, my husband underwent a total knee replacement, and thank God, I am starting back to work on Monday. Love is great, love is grand...but, you also mentioned your future husband as a man who will not be the breadwinner, could not possibly support a wife and family. What if, God forbid, you should become temporarily or even permanently unable to maintain employment? Do you or he have the resources to maintain financial stability like a home, utilities, food, transportation, medical coverage? If not, and this is still ok with you...then ask yourself, would this be ok for your future children? There is absolutely nothing wrong for men to be stay at home dads...there is nothing wrong with moms being stay at home moms. Today, however, both husband and wife need to have the ability to support the family should circumstances present themselves and it become necessary to do so. If, he had the ability to jump into the workforce and support you,children, etc, then I think you'd be happy with what ever decision you made. On the other hand, if, he cannot provide for you and future family, your marriage, and the safety and security of your future children will be at risk. I will also tell you that it is also true that some men (moreso than women) over time become resentful of their spouse being the bread winner, become insecure in their role, and this can manifest itself at home in quarrels to spousal abuse. Might I make a suggestion? Why not graduate, get settled into your career, (a year or two), think about this a little longer...and try to picture different scenarios in your mind, and how they would effect you, him, future children, etc. You may surprise yourself. You may decide it is the right thing to do; on the other hand, you may find after you get settled into your new career and responsibilities, that it would never work. One final question for you to ponder. If he really thinks you are the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, to bear his children, etc., wouldn't he want to have the capability of providing for you should he need to? By you asking for advice on this topic tells me that you are already considering the possibility that this may not be the best decision for YOU. I hope that you will wait a while before making a decision...afterall, you have too much going on in your life right now with school, getting started in your career, to be making another life altering decision that you, no doubt, yourself, are having second thoughts about. Good Luck!

nurse4theplanet, RN · Nov 13, 2005

I'd give the same advice whether it was the wife expecting to be the bread winner or the husband ...
Whenever one spouse "brings home the bacon" and the other "stays at home," it sets up certain dynamics in the relationship. While the passionate romance is in full swing, most couples cope just fine -- but over the long haul, some of those dynamics eat away at the relationship. This happens even when the breadwinner is the man and the housekeeper is the woman. Just watch the Suze Orman show: she deals with this all the time.
How will you feel when you have to work up to the day you go into labor because you can't afford to take a lot of time off with each of your children? How will you feel having to return to work ASAP after delivery while he gets to stay home and take care of the babies?
How will you feel if/when he starts spending your hard-earned money buying stuff for himself and the kids that you may not agree with? And let's face, no matter how good the relationship is, there will be times when you do not agree with his decisions. No 2 people ever agree on everything.
How will you feel when you come home from work exhausted and find that he has been "goofing off" most of the day (when the kids are in school) and not doing some of the chores around the house that you think should have been done?
How will you feel when he wants to take some fun trip or do something fun with the kids and you can't go because you have to work. How will you feel about his living off your income when that happens repeatedly and you are paying for his fun times?
How will you handle it when he wants a divorce in 15 years and the judge orders you to pay alimony for the rest of your life to "keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed?" Also, if he has been the kids' primary care giver and been a good father, the kids will probably live with him. While you probably won't mind paying the child support, you might not like paying to support him AND HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND!
Regardless of which gender is taking which role ... that model whereby one spouse earns the money and the other doesn't has its drawbacks. There is a big difference between situations in which both spouses have careers and the wife makes more money .... and one in which the husband has no ambitions for a career and expects to be financially supported for the rest of his life.
It's your life and certainly I don't know you or your boyfriend. But I have seen lots of marriages go through a lot of changes and tough times. Before you agree to take on supporting this guy for the rest of his life and yours, you had better be sure you are willing to live with the potential consequences.
Perhaps a good pre-nuptual agreement might be in order here.
llg

this is a FANTASTIC POST.

Don't be discouraged, but do take these statements into serious consideration. Life throws you curve balls sometimes and you must be mentally, emotionally, and financially prepared for it.

If you plan on having children and you have a difficult pregnancy and can NOT work...what is your back up plan? If you are injured or something happens to you where you are unable to work then what will hubby do then?

My best advice is to take the suggestions/scenarios in these posts and discuss them with dh. Talk about all your options. Does he have a back up plan? Is there a way he could use his same talents and passions in another feild to make more money? Can he work as an artist part time and have a full time job too? If he is not flexible now, then he will be less flexible in the future.

If you decide to have a go at it here is another piece of advice: get a good insurance plan that will cover you if you have to spend a significant amount of time not working, invest in a savings account for rough times, and definitely get a good insurance policy. A pre-nupt, although not romantic at all, may be the most sensible thing to consider...after all, with over a 50% divorce rate and the complexity of your situation, one can never be too careful

And one last thought: they don't call them STARVING artists for no reason

IMustBeCrazy · Nov 13, 2005

Make sure both of you are on the same page. A marriage isn't a 'free ride' for either the husband *or* the wife. As another poster stated, in this circumstance this man is going to have to be willing to jump in if things get tough. Being an artist is wonderful, but if he's too engrossed in artwork that may be low-paying while there is a family emergency for instance, then this is going to have a devastating effect on the marriage and finances no matter how 'wonderful' a stay-at-home father he may be. The same would be true for a stay-at-home mother in the opposite situation btw.

Many people have a glamorous notion of being a SAHM or SAHF, when in reality, a fulltime job is generally a LOT less stressful. I never understand where this idea comes from. Every SAHM I know agrees that their job is equivalent to working 24/7, and they love their children tremendously.

I also agree with the idea of a prenup. There's no reason to be naive when there are legal protections out there if you just take the time to look into them. Marriage is always fun and glamorous for the first few months. Then reality sets in and most people realize it's actually a lot of hard work and sacrifice.