Your Favorite one liner used with patients - page 8

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his... Read More

  1. by   Daywalker
    Quote from chenoaspirit
    I heard a nurse say to a patient while starting an IV "Its like losing your virginity - alittle prick and alittle blood and its all over" I thought I would DIE!
    OMG!! Too funny! :roll
  2. by   RNfromMN
    "See you tomorrow...unless something terrible happens."
  3. by   AtlantaRN
    I always tell my patients "see you at the walmart, because no matter how nice I've been, you never want to see me again."

    it's always good for a chuckle.

    linda
  4. by   AtlantaRN
    Quote from Jessica 392
    "See you tomorrow...unless something terrible happens."
    I'll tell folks, because I usually do a 3 day stretch...."i'll be your nurse for the next 3 days, unless i hit the lotto, then you'll never see me again."

    linda
  5. by   RNinSoCal
    We had an elderly male pt go into post anesthesia psychosis after a hip replacement. He was trying to pull out lines and climb out of bed to go home. While placing him in restraints he tried to bite me, I quickly asked him "Are you a cannibal?" His eyes went wide and he stopped moving just long enough for us to get the wrist restraints on him. I plan to use it now each time a pt tries to bite one of us!!!!!!
  6. by   grace90
    Quote from RNinSoCal
    We had an elderly male pt go into post anesthesia psychosis after a hip replacement. He was trying to pull out lines and climb out of bed to go home. While placing him in restraints he tried to bite me, I quickly asked him "Are you a cannibal?" His eyes went wide and he stopped moving just long enough for us to get the wrist restraints on him. I plan to use it now each time a pt tries to bite one of us!!!!!!
    Oh, man, did you have me rolling with that one! I'm gonna have to remember that!
    Some one-liners I use on patients- "Is there anything else I can get you, besides sleep?" when I have to do a late-night assessment on them or whatever else. To the stronger male patients that need neuro checks, when I tell them to squeeze my hands I tell them "just enough so I know you've got some strength in your arms" and to the frail, weak, decreased-mental-status LOLs I tell them "squeeze my hands and give it all you've got" cuz most likely in the cases I'm thinking of, I'm lucky to get a little finger tap. Or "Hi, I'm Grace, I'm your nurse tonight and I'm checking on everybody to make sure they're breathing."
  7. by   gentle
    Quote from RNinSoCal
    We had an elderly male pt go into post anesthesia psychosis after a hip replacement. He was trying to pull out lines and climb out of bed to go home. While placing him in restraints he tried to bite me, I quickly asked him "Are you a cannibal?" His eyes went wide and he stopped moving just long enough for us to get the wrist restraints on him. I plan to use it now each time a pt tries to bite one of us!!!!!!
    rninsocal,

    Without thinking, I told an elderly man to "listen to momma, just lay down." One of my colleagues looked around and asked if I said listen to momma. The patient however did listen and laid down just long enough for us to apply the restraints.

    That was just one of those "momma moments." (We have young children at home.) I haven't done this one again.
  8. by   CNORSUE
    As I take my colonoscopy pts. into PACU, to get them to pass gas I tell them " this will be the only time in your life you will be encouraged to fart/pass gas" (especially men!) so make it a trophy/award winner!!! And to women I tell them, here's your chance to better your husband/SO's best! Always gets a laugh & they feel more comfortable honking away!!!
    Last edit by CNORSUE on Jan 7, '07
  9. by   Cardiac-RN
    I like to tell my patients (generally the confused ones) that have issues with keeping their clothing on that "Skin is not in" tonight : )
  10. by   PrisonrNurs
    Every once in a while an inmate who is a patient in our ER threatens to "call my lawyer!" if he doesn't get what he wants, like morphine instead of Toradol. To his lawyer threat I say, "The same lawyer who tried to keep you out of jail?" It works every time.
  11. by   PrisonrNurs
    OK here's another one that got the ER roaring. I had a patient come in (the second time) with abdominal pain. He was driven in by a friend. Both are big burly roughnecks. The friend came in to visit and asked me if we knew what was wrong. He jokingly said "he must be in labor!" I said yeah, that could be, and then asked him if he was the father. Before he could answer I told "you can help with the delivery! You stand here [at the foot of the bed] while I run and get a catcher's mitt for you, and whatever you do, don't drop the baby when he jumps out!" It got a good chuckle out of everyone. He then said "ummm, I think we got a problem here." To that I replied, "I know what you're thinking. No need to worry. Once the hormones kick in, he'll have boobs the size of Utah!!" THAT'S when the whole ER, patients and all, were roaring!
  12. by   nrsang97
    I had a pt who didn't particulrly like the idea of getting a suppsoitory. As I was giving him the ducolax he gave me a dirty look. I just said without thinking "I guess I should have taken you to dinner and a movie first?" I had everyone in the room laughing.

    I also usually say that its hospital policy to make sure we keep everyone up all night. Usually gets a laugh.
  13. by   kenzy
    When giving the flu vac I would go through the standered questions with all my pt's. Are you allergic to eggs?, ever had an allergic reaction? and any chance you might be pregnant? I would always make sure when it was a older guy I would ask the last question, being so serious that they thought I thought maybe there was a possibility. The answers and facial expression are priceless. Thanks so much for this thread I really needed it at 5:40am.

Must Read Topics


close