Stupid things said by your non-nurse significant other

Nurses Humor

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This thread is started in honor of my darling husband, who told me this morning that he almost woke me early because he had a bowel obstruction.

I said, "A bowel obstruction? Really? Tell me more about it, honey."

He said, "Well, I had a hard time moving my bowels this morning. It took a long time and when I was done, I had this huge, hard stool, one of the biggest I've ever seen!"

As if that was something I'd be hopping right outta bed to see! I told him, "Honey, if you had a bowel obstruction, you'd be headed in for surgery. You'd be in pain. You wouldn't have just had the most humongous stool of your life. You didn't have an obstruction. You didn't even have an impaction, which I would NOT have removed for you, no matter how much I love you. You were constipated. In other words, you were simply full of ****. BTW, lay off the cheese!" The love of my life can eat a half pound of cheese in one sitting and wonders why he gets constipated! speechless-smiley-040.gif

Of course he's not a nurse! :devil:

Anyone else have stories about stupid, funny, silly things said by their dear non-nurse significant others, friends, family members? Please share! I can't be the only one!

Specializes in tele, oncology.

"Every night this month cannot be the worst night ever." Wanna bet? They just kept getting exponentially worse.

"The full moon thing is a bunch of superstitious nonsense." How 'bout you go work my shift next time then?

After my hysto a few years ago, I developed an ileus. NP wanted to admit me straight to the hospital, but I had too much stuff to do the next day, so she let me go home with strict orders to be followed, including a BM deadline. Hubby told me "If they wanted you back in the hospital, I'm taking you there." I told him he'd have to knock me out first b/c there was no way I was letting them drop a NG in me. He then spent what added up to literally hours over the next two days outside the bathroom door asking "Did you poop yet?" I've never had someone so interested in my BMs in my life.

Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.

our insurance company sent us test kits to screen for occult gi tract blood. my husband brought in the mail, opening his envelope as he came through the house. he skimmed the instructions rather than actually reading them.

his question?!

"sounds like a good idea, but how the $#&& do you get the poop squashed down flat enough to fit into that tiny little window and still be able to close the top?":rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::grn::rolleyes::eek:

Specializes in Home Health.

Do funnies by kids count here?

My nephew yells, " Mom I'm growing an egg on my member!"

Sis runs in to see what the heck he's talking about...

nephew He points "Look eggs"

Sis "Those are not eggs, those are your testicles."

Be Love

Nicole

Specializes in Geriatrics, Home Health.

My husband was filling out some paperwork and it asked him to describe his general health was and he answered "perfect". I thought it was cute!

Specializes in LDRP.

i was at clinical and having some bad flank pain, so one of the nurses told me to go to employee health to get checked out for a uti. I had elevated WBCs in my urine, but EH wanted me to go to the er fot a ct to make sure i didnt have kidney stones.. so im sitting there in the er bed, texting my boyfriend-- updating him. i told him they gave me an iv and gave me some good pain meds that were helping, but i was so hungry and they wouldnt let me eat until after the ct. he replied "babe, arent they feeding you through the iv? thats what they are for right?" lol....

I was out to dinner with a friend and she brought along a family member who is a bit of a hypochondriac. She told me that she thought she had neck cancer and made me feel the back of her neck because every time she moved her neck she could feel things moving. Wait, things move when you move? Shocking! I told her if nothing moved when she moved, she wouldn't be able to move. She's very relieved to hear she doesn't have neck cancer.

I recently had a bad respiratory infection and my BF, J, decides to use Web MD to diagnose me. He comes into the bedroom and says, "So, you either have Bronchitis or an erotic aneurism." (actual word on web MD= aortic)

I wonder how i caught that?!

Specializes in ortho, hospice volunteer, psych,.
i recently had a bad respiratory infection and my bf, j, decides to use web md to diagnose me. he comes into the bedroom and says, "so, you either have bronchitis or an erotic aneurism." (actual word on web md= aortic)

i wonder how i caught that?!

sounds like it would be a heckuva lot more fun than a boring old cold, having a uti, or getting the runs... hmmm... :idea: maybe you could write down exactly what you did to get it, market the directions

on the internet, and make a million bucks!!:D

I'm still in the process of reading this thread. Some of these are hysterical! I'm a new grad, but have been a PCT on night shift for the last few years.

One night a pt (approx. 40 y/o) put on his call light at about 0300-0400. So I go into his room to see what he needed. First words outta his mouth... "I didn't wake you up, did I?" :lol2: *sigh*

You wouldn't believe how many pts I've had who have said that to me!! I think it's so funny that they think we were sleeping!!!:lol2::lol2::lol2:

Since I do the majority of cooking, I have written my recipe cards with "nursing lingo" such as the c for with, etc. Today my husband asked his mom to email him recipes because he insists that I write in a secret code to keep it from him. lol

The other night my fiance had a really bad headache, I could tell because he actually took something for it and he usually NEVER does. The next night we are watching Dr. G Medical Examiner and the person on there had hemorrhaged internally I think from their mesentery. He then looks at me in all seriousness and said "What does hemorrhage mean?" I say" It's basically massive bleeding." He starts watching the tv again then suddenly turns to me and says frantically "Can you hemorrhage in your head?!?" ha ha ha ha ha:lol2::lol2::lol2: I tell him that yes you can, but I highly doubt he was suffering from that!! He still asks me, " are you sure I'm not hemorrhaging?"

Lord help!! :)

My boyfriend had been having some problems with his hearing so I scheduled him an appointment with an ENT. I couldn't go with him to the appt so I wanted him to write a list of questions and problems to review with the doctor. When I asked him what he wanted to review with the doctor, he said "I think my fallopian tube is blocked." Are you serious?

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