Strangest thing you've heard a co-worker or patient say?

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Today, from a charge nurse, after he evaluated a patient's lung sounds (and let me listen; "textbook wheezes" with some crackles): "It sounds like her lungs are playing 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia!'" ;)

Okay - I work in a large teaching hospital tied to a major medical school. We consent patients for tissue samples used in research studies for the university. One patient was being consented for removal of tumor on her ovary. During the consent process, the resident doctor told her that the university places tumors in a tumor bank where they are studied in cancer research and would she be willing to have her tumor sent to the tumor bank. The patient becomes indignant - "Well I think if you're gonna take my tumor then I should at least get paid!" The doctor then explained that the university doesn't pay patients for tumor removal, and that the surgery itself is absolutely necessary should she want to live a little longer.

I kid you not - the patient refused to sign the consent! She was adamant about not having the surgery because we would put her cancer in the tumor bank and she wouldn't get paid.

What's really strange - this is a county hospital - she had no insurance, and no source of income to pay for the procedure.

Should have said "how about we pay for the surgery" since you KNOW you would have anywat.

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Specializes in Medical/Surgical.

I was receiving report on a patient who had just undergone a LAH with BSO. The reporting nurse, who has never really been strong in her medical terminology, informed me that the surgeon had accidently "knicked one of her, uh, udders"

...

Puzzled, I replied, "You mean one of her ureters?"

"Yeah, that.... whatever they are."

Wow. I didn't know whether to laugh or be afraid afterward.

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Specializes in telemetry, med-surg, home health, psych.
Wow...

I had to cath a 15 year old boy once whose mother insisted that she stay in the room... the poor kid was so embarrassed but he wouldn't tell his mom that he preferred she leave the room. I even asked her (kindly) to step out for a moment but she insisted on staying. She literally stood over him petting his forehead... I was all set up and sterile... ready to go, and she was still standing there watching me intently. He didnt want to uncover himself with her standing there, but she wouldn't get a clue and turn around. I said "alright, I'm ready" and he looked up at mom like "okay......at least turn around" She just looked at him all pitiful and started caressing his forehead. She watched the entire thing. It was already and uncomfortable situation made much more so by the mom. The poor kid seemed more worried about his mom seeing his "area" than he was about the procedure. Poor teenage boys and their intrusive mothers!!!

that poor kid, that will probably haunt him for life !!!! Poor mom, she didn't have a clue, did she???:bluecry1:

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Specializes in Medical/Surgical.
I was helping a nurse shave a pt's leg for surgery on his ankle. He was in his late teens, and his mother and grandmother were in the room with him. The nurse made a joke with him about his hairy legs. The mother said (and I quote), "If you think that's hairy, you should go up a little bit more."

Poor guy. He turned blood red and yelled "Thanks mom."

Wow...

I had to cath a 15 year old boy once whose mother insisted that she stay in the room... the poor kid was so embarrassed but he wouldn't tell his mom that he preferred she leave the room. I even asked her (kindly) to step out for a moment but she insisted on staying. She literally stood over him petting his forehead... I was all set up and sterile... ready to go, and she was still standing there watching me intently. He didnt want to uncover himself with her standing there, but she wouldn't get a clue and turn around. I said "alright, I'm ready" and he looked up at mom like "okay......at least turn around" She just looked at him all pitiful and started caressing his forehead. She watched the entire thing. It was already and uncomfortable situation made much more so by the mom. The poor kid seemed more worried about his mom seeing his "area" than he was about the procedure. Poor teenage boys and their intrusive mothers!!!

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Specializes in Medical/Surgical.
In report yesterday am, the night nurse told me the pt. had "cranial/anal inversion".......I looked up at him with a questioning look.....then it hit me.......

(head up his axx)...(pt. had beaten his wife)

Only a nurse.... :) Thats a good one that I will definately remember and use in the future.

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Specializes in Medical/Surgical.

Here's a couple more good ones....

This one was my flub...

There was an elderly gentleman admitted to my floor with a TURP. The doc wanted his three way foley removed. I went into the room where he and his son were watching tv. I let them know what I was there for and the patient looked concerned when I pulled a 40cc syringe out of my pocket. (About this same time, a tech had entered the room to fill pitchers, put up hourly round sheets, etc.) He asked me what the syringe was for and I explained to him that there was a 30cc balloon in his bladder and the fluid had to be removed from the balloon so the catheter could slide out... He replied, "So that's what keeps it in there. I had been so worried it would slip out." To which I replied something like "No, as long as that balloon has fluid in it, it won't slip out... and if it did, you'd know it..." As we talked, I was setting up all my stuff.

He says "Well then you better make sure you get all the water out of it before you go pullin it out!"

And me and my big mouth says "Don't worry, hun. I'll suck it dry for ya!"

...

I didn't even pay attention to what I had said. The son replies "I know where I'm coming for my surgery!"

I still had not caught on and figured he was complimenting the fact that I was making sure the balloon was good and empty. And as if I hadn't already dug a good hole I replied "Well, thank you. I try to take good care of my patients!

I finally looked up at the son who was cheesin big time and the tech who was in the corner losing it. I had to leave... I was mortified. They all got a good laugh out of it and it has been a joke on the floor ever since.

Then once, I had a little old lady who was very confused. She had already fallen on the previous shift and reinjured her hip fracture (which is why she was there) and broke her wrist to boot. No close relatives were available so we moved her closer to the nurses station and had a 1:1 with her to keep her in bed. She was supposed to be non-weight bearing to her wrist and of course, every time she would try to get up from bed she'd set that wrist down and push herself up. I took over to relieve the 1:1 tech for her break and sat down in the chair by the bed. The little lady was in a cross mood and scowled up at me. The tech told her she would be back and that I was there to sit with her for a minute. The lady decided off the bat, I guess that she didn't like me. As soon as the tech left the lady started. Pushing up on that arm. I nicely told her she needed to lie back down and reached out and gently took her splinted wrist out from under her weight explaining that she had broken it and was NWB. She glared at me. I mean if looks could kill. "Leave me alone... I'll tell my double cousin on you." she says. I proceeded to ask her about her cousin. She began to rant and rave about how we were keeping her captive and trying to make a sick woman work for us... etc... you know how these people get going about incoherent stuff. All the while she is trying to prop herself up on that wrist. I kept gently taking the splinted arm out from under her, informing her that she is not supposed to put weight on it. I guess she had had enough because as I was placing her arm on the pillow, she reached over with the other arm and clocked me across the face! Shocked, I said "MA'AM! We do NOT hit!"

She replied "I KNOW your mother raised you better than this. YOU are going to HELL!! And I hate to ever say that about anyone! But YOU are a terrible person!"

About that time the tech walks in and the lady looks up and says "You raised her better than this and I know it! Aren't you ashamed at how she came out? What a disgrace to your efforts!" And then she blew a raspberry at me and turned over in bed and went to sleep. The tech started rolling and I shrugged my shoulders. "She's all yours."

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Specializes in Geriatrics.

One of our CNA trainees came to post-clinical SOOO upset. When I asked her why, she said that when she went in to feed this gentleman, he patted the bed and told her to lay down. When she refused, he said, " They said you're the best and I've already paid for you so LAY DOWN!!" She went out of the room and got someone else to feed him.

A confused lady was attempting to leave through the front door of the facility and in trying to redirect, we asked where she was going and why. She stated " To Chattanooga to get me a gold d**k, there ain't nothing like that around here" We quickly assured her she was right"

One more- had a lady yelling " Get it out, get it out" When we asked what, she said " I want you get out that cowboy that's crawling out of my butt" Same lady another time- pointing at the ceiling and counting .- 1,2,3, dead people, 4,5,6, dead people.

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FREAKY ONES FROM NIGHT SHIFT

When I was a CNA, I rounded at night to reposition patient, etc. Finding my Alzheimer's patient awake I asked "how are you doing?' To which she laughed and said "I like murder!".

My co-worker was checking on her patient after she called for the umpteenth time that night (minor requests, fix pillow, drink of water, etc.) . Reassuring her patient she would stop by to check in on her. Patient asked, "Can you stay with me?" my co-worker said yes for awhile. The patient opened her eyes WIDE :eek: "Can't you stay with me ...FOREVER?"

Another time, different patient, same old hospital. " I can't get any rest with that lady who keeps coming in & out of there" referring to the bathroom. Private room, no one else in the room. alert & oriented patient. We were too afraid to explain.

One funny one:

My preceptee was told by our patient "you're a real PITA", the confused look she had let him lay it on "Pain In The A**".

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A 100 yr old pt lying in bed with eyes closed groaning...

I ask her, "What's wrong, honey?"

Her response, "There's pork chops under my arms!"

Another old gal...

She asks, "Do you see it?"

I ask, "See what?"

She answers, "My daughter and granddaughter? They're handing upside down from the ceiling!"

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Specializes in Haematolgoy.

before i was a student nurse, i worked as a care assistant in a nursing home.

gp was in doing his rounds and had to to take some bloods from her. being reassured by a young nurse, the doctor took the blood with out problem.

"there,"said the nurse, "that wasn't too bad now, was it?"

"no" replied the resident, "but i'd rather have had his ****!"

i laughed, doctor laughed, poor nurse nearly died!!! :roll

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Specializes in Extended Care, Med/Surg , Palliative,.

Just yesterday a man with dementia, who has no history of hallucinating and is legally blind, started going on and on about "shanking a monkey"...first he asked "may I shank your monkey" then it was, "I need to shank this monkey on me", then it was "will somebody help me shank this monkey"

We were trying to read into it, decipher if he was word switching... but could not keep a straight face.:chuckle

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Specializes in CST in general surgery, LDRs, & podiatry.
just yesterday a man with dementia, who has no history of hallucinating and is legally blind, started going on and on about "shanking a monkey"...first he asked "may i shank your monkey" then it was, "i need to shank this monkey on me", then it was "will somebody help me shank this monkey"

we were trying to read into it, decipher if he was word switching... but could not keep a straight face.:chuckle

ummm - not to be indelicate - but he doesn't have a lisp by any chance, does he? :chuckle

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