Strangest thing you've heard a co-worker or patient say?

I have a few, Pt with gangrene having rt leg amputated in morning, screaming and shouting, taking 6 off us to keep him in the bed, (we are not allowed restraints in UK) tells us he is going to call the police, ect, then he screams and points at a nurse "if you don't let go of me I will sue (litigation) the ar63 off you" without a beat he (the nurse)replys "well if you try and do that I think you'll find you don't have a leg to stand on"...5 of us sink to the floor in hysteria while he's going "what, what's funny?

elderly lady in 90's, until this confirmation thought to have been a prostitute during WW1 and the 1920/30, everytime she was put back in the sitting position, she would immediately slip back down, after about 6 attempts she started laughing and was laughing so hard she couldn't be moved, when she finally calmed down my friend asked whats so funny? she said "the irony, I made my living lying on my back and now I can't get off it" brilliant

when working nights doctors seems to have a habit on their early morning rounds of asking "and how are you today nurse" my standard reply to a new doctor is "I am in a contradictry mood today Dr" "oh are you" "no" I reply, I love the look on their faces makes the long night worth it.

Oh and one last one after a Hep b Jab man come back and asked me if it could explain the symptoms he is expirencing in his penis and attempts to whip it out...I stop him we are preventive not treatment and recommend from his vivid discription that he visit his doctor as it sounded like calmidia, he's saying but my girlfriend wouldn't sleep around...I patiently explain that although it can be sexually transmitted, it doesn't have to be sexually transmitted, this conversation goes round and round for over an hour, she wouldn't sleep around, me "you need to see your doctor and your girlfriend needs to go too" , eventually he leaves and I breath sigh of relief...2 mins later door opens and he's back, "so me and my girlfriend both need to see the doctor?" "yes" "do you think my wife need to go too?"This guy was also a nurse

Here is my all time favorite:
Old Female pt.. holocaust survivor, now 101yrs, but feisty and totally alert and oriented, called me to her room one night and asked if I could scratch her vagina.
I kid you not!
It was all I could do to tell her that I could not scratch her itchm but if she needed a bath, to let the aide know.
I almost wet my pants I was laughing so hard when I got to the nurses station.
Amy

horrible old lady

I dunno...in my experience when they say that, they're right as often as not. The first time I heard someone say that I brushed it off and said "Of course you're not". And he proceeded to prove me wrong. Now I listen-and try to be extra careful in monitoring for any early signs that they may be headed south.

A while back I had a pt with multiple medical issues and many complications after a surgery. After he had been with us a while, he woke up one morning and told me he'd had a dream that God took all his pain away. It was close to shift change, so I warned the oncoming nurse about it.

Another time I had a chest pain pt start complaining that she felt like she was going to die. We started monitoring vitals closely, and I got a EKG, ABG's, and other tests done and the internal med doc, who actually listened to me, (but he just got dismissed from the hospital ) came up and see her. She didn't code, at least not the 4 hours I had her, but I wasn't about to gamble on it.

My first CNA job was in a dementia unit at a LTC facility. For some reason, two of the female residents thought that I was a boy. I am fairly tall, (5'11) and pretty stout.
One day, one of my residents looked up at me and says, "Did you ask your mommy if it was okay for you to wear that color?" At first I was like, I'm 31, I don't have to ask my mother anything. Then I realized that she was asking me that, as a boy, was it okay with my mother if I wore pink scrubs.
Another time, I was trying to give one of my residents a bath. She started getting very agitated and was trying to put her clothes back on as I was taking them off. SHe looks at me and says, "your wife would be so upset if she saw us like this! You need to put my clothes back on right now!"

I have a ton of stories but I'll share a few...

I have a lady that frequently asks me to scratch her Y2K (vagina)...LOL

I had a lady who I was toileting. We were blocked in the BR by her w/c, another aide was on standby. I gave her toilet paper and she was stood up wiping herself. I asked if she needed help (she was unsteady and having issues). She tried rubbing the dirty toilet paper in my face and yelled why do you want to smell it. I JUMPED over the w/c and went running! This same lady crawled out a window and went to a convience store and was throwing candy on the floor yelling for help because we had her captive. LOL.

I had a resident who worshipped the devil/belonged to a cult. He was dying. The nurse told me I needed to leave the light on so he knew to go towards the light. I asked her if this was medically necessary. She just looked at me.

I had a lady who yelled FIRE! at the top of her lungs. I go running to her room. I say where is the fire. She said FIRE my crotch is on fire, put it out NOW...

Those are just a few!

omg, that's awesome.

I was assisting a NP with a gyn exam and pap. She collected the sample, then stood for a bimanual exam. When she removed her fingers she declared to the woman she was "clean as a whistle!" in a very sing-song happy voice, which I think she meant to be reassuring there was no evidence of yeast/bv etc on the glove and she was healthy.

Meanwhile I was trying not to laugh and had to make some excuse to get out of the room so I could bust up. I laughed until I cried.

We had this cute, quiet little old lady in the nursing home who had a very gravely, deeper voice, wild steel gray hair that had a mind of its own, and she always wore a dark sweater several sizes too large for her tiny frame. She rarely talked to strangers or others and when she sat in the smoking lounge of days gone by, she would either be slowly smoking cigarettes with the elegance of a movie star, turning pages over in an outdated magazine, or observing others while appearing to "chew" her tongue like gum. She was a real character.

During one of the many night shifts I worked there, I shared the work with one of the veteran nurses of the home. She was one of the few people that our mystery patient would talk to. That night I was given the honor of being welcomed to the small group of people the patient would talk to. The veteran nurse told me that the patient was a member of the NRA. I asked the patient what the NRA was, thinking it was interesting to have a patient that had had interest and experiences with guns (!). The patient stopped chewing her tongue, looked me straight in the eyes and said "Nice Round Ass".