Wife is Driving Me Crazy with SMOKING - VENT - pg.2 | allnurses

Wife is Driving Me Crazy with SMOKING - VENT - page 2

ok...maybe i am a little tense with 5-days-a-week school and all...or maybe i am a little anal but i just can't take the smoking anymore. :o my wife and i decided to quite smoking over 5-years... Read More

  1. Visit  LiverpoolJane profile page
    3
    Reading this I am torn between two trains of thought.
    First it may be your wife has a very low opinion of herself - the wt gain - not being able to conceive - the fact that it would appear she doesn't seem to care about the fact she smells of stale smoke etc. Would you consider spending some quality time with your wife to let her know you care about her - a surprize night away / day out or some vouchers for a spa pamper day? If she sees you are making an effort towards her she may realise that you have her interests at heart and may give her the opportunity to reflect on her own thoughts toward herself / your marriage?

    My second thought is that your wife wants to split - either consciously or subconsciously - but is going down the route of pushing you to the limit so you're the one that walks away.

    Most people who have been through divorce regret it and wish they had tried harder to save the marriage - it may end in a split but at least you should try everything in your power to try and prevent it so as you have no regrets later.

    I hope you can come to terms with whatever happens.

    Jane
    Kim O'Therapy, danissa, and DutchgirlRN like this.
  2. Visit  elkpark profile page
    0
    Quote from LiverpoolJane
    Most people who have been through divorce regret it and wish they had tried harder to save the marriage -
    I'm not trying to be argumentative or critical, but do you have any sources or statistics to back up that statement, or is it your own opinion/impression? I'm always kinda suspicious of those kind of blanket statements ... I'm sure a lot of people feel that way; I'm sure there are also lots of people who, in retrospect, wish they had "bit the bullet" and sought a divorce earlier, and not wasted the additional years in a relationship with no hope or future (I've known some of those folks personally), and I'm sure there are lots of divorced people who feel lots of other ways about their divorce(s).

    I certainly agree with you that it's important to make sure that you've tried everything you can to make the relationship work before walking away.
  3. Visit  oramar profile page
    0
    My entire childhood was spent with a cloud of smoke around my head and I hated it. At an early age I decided I would never marry a smoker and I didn't. It was one of the smarter things I did when I was young. I am in my 60th year and I have a strong healthy spouse. Most my non smoking friends married to smokers are already widows and widowers or dealing with a spouse in very poor health.(please don't anyone tell me there are no guarantees, I am old and I know that, I am talking about the averages here) So glad it wasn't me, hubby and I are having such fun. What I am saying is that you deserve to have a healthy spouse also. If you have children they deserve not to be exposed to smoke and have a healthy mother.
  4. Visit  DutchgirlRN profile page
    1
    Quote from elkpark
    I'm not trying to be argumentative or critical, but do you have any sources or statistics to back up that statement, or is it your own opinion/impression? I'm always kinda suspicious of those kind of blanket statements ... I'm sure a lot of people feel that way; I'm sure there are also lots of people who, in retrospect, wish they had "bit the bullet" and sought a divorce earlier, and not wasted the additional years in a relationship with no hope or future (I've known some of those folks personally), and I'm sure there are lots of divorced people who feel lots of other ways about their divorce(s).

    I certainly agree with you that it's important to make sure that you've tried everything you can to make the relationship work before walking away.
    Elmpark are you married? How long? Have you ever been married?

    I've been married for 32 years and it hasn't all been wine & roses but it has been worth the struggle, without a doubt and we have been to marriage counseling in the past x 2
    danissa likes this.
  5. Visit  LiverpoolJane profile page
    0
    I am actually divorced and quite frankly it was the best thing that could have happened as far as I am concerned - I don't even like admitting I ever was married! However when we split up I did seek advice - literature and friends who had gone through divorce and I did find a lot of info - polls etc that would suggest that a lot of people feel they may have been too hasty in filing for divorce. When I did file for my divorce I felt it was absolutely the right thing to do - but it was still a difficult time and wouldn't want to repeat it - and 11 years later I am still very happily single.
    I agree with you that sometimes time is wasted staying together making each other miserable but from what this member was saying I don't think he has reached the point of no return and was trying to offer some practical advice. It may well be that it doesn't work and him and his wife part, it does seem to me that either the wife could be feeling in a rut she can't help herself out of - or possibly she wouldn't be eart broken if he left? I don't know - but for his peace of mind I think he should aim to help first rather than just walk away now.




    Quote from elkpark
    I'm not trying to be argumentative or critical, but do you have any sources or statistics to back up that statement, or is it your own opinion/impression? I'm always kinda suspicious of those kind of blanket statements ... I'm sure a lot of people feel that way; I'm sure there are also lots of people who, in retrospect, wish they had "bit the bullet" and sought a divorce earlier, and not wasted the additional years in a relationship with no hope or future (I've known some of those folks personally), and I'm sure there are lots of divorced people who feel lots of other ways about their divorce(s).

    I certainly agree with you that it's important to make sure that you've tried everything you can to make the relationship work before walking away.
  6. Visit  Virgo_RN profile page
    0
    Quote from elkpark
    I'm not trying to be argumentative or critical, but do you have any sources or statistics to back up that statement, or is it your own opinion/impression? I'm always kinda suspicious of those kind of blanket statements ... I'm sure a lot of people feel that way; I'm sure there are also lots of people who, in retrospect, wish they had "bit the bullet" and sought a divorce earlier, and not wasted the additional years in a relationship with no hope or future (I've known some of those folks personally), and I'm sure there are lots of divorced people who feel lots of other ways about their divorce(s).
    I would be one of those. Of course I didn't WANT divorce, after all, I got married planning on spending the rest of my life with this person. I worked my tail off to make the marriage work. I'm not *happy* that my marriage ended in divorce, but I do think it really was for the best. I am so much happier in my life now that I do not have that daily stress of trying to make an unworkable situation work. It gets to be like banging your head against a brick wall.
  7. Visit  elkpark profile page
    0
    Quote from LiverpoolJane
    I am actually divorced and quite frankly it was the best thing that could have happened as far as I am concerned - I don't even like admitting I ever was married! However when we split up I did seek advice - literature and friends who had gone through divorce and I did find a lot of info - polls etc that would suggest that a lot of people feel they may have been too hasty in filing for divorce. When I did file for my divorce I felt it was absolutely the right thing to do - but it was still a difficult time and wouldn't want to repeat it - and 11 years later I am still very happily single.
    I agree with you that sometimes time is wasted staying together making each other miserable but from what this member was saying I don't think he has reached the point of no return and was trying to offer some practical advice. It may well be that it doesn't work and him and his wife part, it does seem to me that either the wife could be feeling in a rut she can't help herself out of - or possibly she wouldn't be eart broken if he left? I don't know - but for his peace of mind I think he should aim to help first rather than just walk away now.
    Well, that's my point -- "a lot of people" (feel that they regret their divorce) is a much different statement than saying that "most people" regret divorcing. I don't doubt that a lot of people regret divorcing -- I would just need to see some documentation to accept that "most" people do ... It's not just divorce; I'm always suspicious of those kind of "most people feel (or think, or do) ..." statements, regardless of the topic. My immediate response is, "Oh, yeah? Says who?"

    I, also, am divorced (after seven years of marriage). It was not a hasty decision at the time -- nearly everyone I was close to encouraged me to leave him for years before I finally did; we did extensive marriage therapy before we separated and even our couples' therapist finally advised us that was the best thing we could do; and I have never regretted my decision (and it was my decision; he didn't want to split up). Obviously, the best scenario would have been for us not to marry in the first place, but, given that we did, divorce was clearly the best other option.

    Once again, I am not advising the OP to leave his wife! Just reminding him that he has other options besides just putting up with, and being miserably unhappy in, the current situation. I hope that he and his wife can work things out and enjoy a long and happy marriage, and certainly encourage anyone to seek counseling/therapy before making a decision to end a serious relationship of any kind, legal or otherwise. In this situation, again, I strongly encourage the OP to become active in Al-Anon, at least (that doesn't require any participation by his wife, who may or may not be willing to pursue marriage counseling/therapy). My parents have had a great marriage for >50 years; most of my friends are happily married; I certainly am not "anti-marriage" in any way! But the other side of the coin is that divorce is not always a bad outcome ...

    Dutchgirl, I'm delighted that you're been married so long, have survived some challenges together, and are happy with your situation. However, that doesn't mean that your choices are the best choices for everyone. The reality is that ~50% of US marriages end in divorce, and I, for one, am not prepared to assume that all those people are making the wrong decision ...
  8. Visit  DutchgirlRN profile page
    1
    Quote from elkpark
    Dutchgirl, I'm delighted that you're been married so long, have survived some challenges together, and are happy with your situation. However, that doesn't mean that your choices are the best choices for everyone
    I never implied that my choices are the best choices for everyone, simply that giving up is not always the answer.

    The reality is that ~50% of US marriages end in divorce, and I, for one, am not prepared to assume that all those people are making the wrong decision ...
    And I, for one, am not prepared to assume that all those people are making the right decision...

    We all have an opinion
    danissa likes this.
  9. Visit  danissa profile page
    3
    Smoking crops up on this site often, the issues surrounding it and the effects on all who do it or witness/endure it. I just want to throw my two penny worth in here.

    All my young life, I was anti smoking. Never when my kiddos were wee, would I allow a smoker or an ashtray in my home. When I was 27 yrs old, for the first time in my life, I smoked a cigarette. Couldn't even do it right, and it made my eyes water and my hay fever wheeze.. but, hey, perseverance! :uhoh21::uhoh21:
    I was around the "right" people, at a bad time in my life, my daughter was ill and needed surgery, I was a student midwife, my hubs was getting it on with a far less stressed version of myself! Hey..along come the ciggies..and wow stress relief! Something to do with your hands..(other than holding a knife and inserting it into the aforementioned husband distraction!)..(oh and the hubby!!!!)

    So, here I find myself, all these years later...a stinky smoker! OMG..I hate the smell, but I love the ciggies! Still with the hubster, yes we worked through his "Neglect!!!" issues, (hey what a bad madwife!), but am an addict to the ****!

    To go back to what I was before, a non smoking smell free mammy, in a minute, i would do it. But it's so hard. Guess I'm just trying to put across an opposite view of why do this thing thats so destructive. If you are nagged into giving up, you will do it more..that I know for sure. If you are nagged by the person who you FEEL drove you to it in the first place, you WILL do it more! Every single time my hubs moans that I smoke, I guess i light up another, it's perverse, I KNOW it hurts him, but in the end, it's hurting me more.

    Just a thought, from a wee chimney!
  10. Visit  Dr.Nurse2b profile page
    2
    Quote from LiverpoolJane
    Reading this I am torn between two trains of thought.
    First it may be your wife has a very low opinion of herself - the wt gain - not being able to conceive - the fact that it would appear she doesn't seem to care about the fact she smells of stale smoke etc. Would you consider spending some quality time with your wife to let her know you care about her - a surprize night away / day out or some vouchers for a spa pamper day? If she sees you are making an effort towards her she may realise that you have her interests at heart and may give her the opportunity to reflect on her own thoughts toward herself / your marriage?

    My second thought is that your wife wants to split - either consciously or subconsciously - but is going down the route of pushing you to the limit so you're the one that walks away.

    Most people who have been through divorce regret it and wish they had tried harder to save the marriage - it may end in a split but at least you should try everything in your power to try and prevent it so as you have no regrets later.

    I hope you can come to terms with whatever happens.

    Jane
    These are great ideas...

    She recently received a gift certificate to the salon...the best in the area...and it has been on the fridge for three months now.

    It seems as long as I lay off the smoking...stop "badgering" we're fine. I love her very much...I guess I need to stop complaining about the butts or....or I'll lose her.

    I think the schooling may be wearing on both of us...
    danissa and DutchgirlRN like this.
  11. Visit  CITCAT profile page
    2
    Quote from sal_b
    you may have hit at least one nail on the head...the problem here is i have switched off... in 1998 i was accepted into several programs and failed to even start... so this time around i have declared that nothing will stand in my way of completing my degree. when i say nothing i mean...if you get in the way then i have no use for you and unfortunately my wife has gotten in my way a few times and i expressed this. i have two years to earn my bsn and the little things are getting to me...smoking, squeezing the toothpaste in the middle, leaving laundy all over. i need complete stability and structure in order to function ...perhaps i need therapy myself.
    sal why are you allowing your wifes problem become yours? set some ground rules no smokin in house, she will quit when shes ready give her a break man love unconditionally,get some counselling and if you can handle it stop playing x smoker its annoying you know wha i mean .speak the truth and the truth will set ya free
    danissa and DutchgirlRN like this.
  12. Visit  Kim O'Therapy profile page
    1
    Dear Sal,

    I just wanted to wish you the best of luck with your situation. In May, I will be a senior in a BSN program. The stress and lack of sleep has changed me to a certain degree. I will come home some days and pick apart my husband and two children as soon as I walk through the door. Why isn't this cleaned up......has anyone let the dogs out.....yada yada yada. Since starting school, I have tried to live a healthier lifestyle and sometimes feel sabotaged by my husband, who is content with McDonalds every night. I see where you are coming from; however, as an 11 year ex-smoker, there is another view.

    You both smoked when you first married and although you both agreed to quit, some things are easier said than done. I probably "quit" 100 times before I actually stopped smoking. If my husband had ever indicated that he cared for me less d/t my smoking or weight (I gained wt after I stopped smoking); my self-esteem would have plummeted and I probably would have smoked/eaten even more.

    It sounds like you guys need some "date" time. My husband and I have been married 17 years and we still HAVE to make time for each other or else we start bickering and picking at each other. Of course, with him working and me attending nursing school, this is very difficult to do. When we start thinking "this isn't the person I married", we probably mean "this isn't the person I dated". Remember when you dated and it was always fun? Once married, that changes.....work, school, kids, responsiblities, life changes. Look for that girl and let her know how much you love her and the odds are; she'll return the love. I wish you all the best and hope that things may be patched up for you guys.

    P.S. She should still clean up the butts.
    danissa likes this.


Nursing Jobs in every specialty and state. Visit today and find your dream job.

Visit Our Sponsors
Top
close
close