I was reading a thread in another area, about napping at work. Someone wrote that she heard that there are nurses who even divert meds, and then asked "Who does that?!". Ouch. I wanted to respond, not to be confrontational, but to answer her question, but I sure didn't want to open that Pandora's box and invite a dogpile! So since I still want to answer her question, I'll do it here...I'm glad that many people don't know the hell of addiction. I can't speak for anyone else, but the reason I diverted was because I was living the hell of trying to quit taking the opiates I was so desperately addicted to, but couldn't. I became addicted because I was sure I had chronic fatigue syndrome or something like that. I was tired and achy all the time (turns out I was just overweight and needed some exercise!). I went to a doctor who prescribed Norco, and before I knew it I was physically hooked. When I started to divert, I thought, I'd just take the waste and just take it subq, just this once to help take the edge off the physical symptoms of withdrawal, then 1 turned into another and another, etc. I didn't get high, so I didn't feel impaired. I just wanted to stop the pain that follows missing a dose. True, it did take the edge off of the anxiety that goes with living that particular hell, and I felt like I could function better. I thought I was the only person on earth who was so special that I needed it to function better and to be a better nurse. Looking back on that thinking terrifies me now. I wanted out, I wanted help, but didn't know that IPN existed, and didn't know there was even help like it for nurses. I went back to my doctor, who convinced me that I was okay but he gave me some clonidine and something else so I could withdraw, but it didn't help. Then he offered methadone, but I didn't want to go there, and I sure didn't want to go to that doctor any more. Instead I decided to try to go it alone, and that's how I did it. Why didn't I go to another doctor or someone else? Because I was afraid. Writing this makes me cry, because it makes me relive the torment of those days. The best day of my life was the day I was busted at work. My activity in the drug machines sent up flags, and eventually someone from HR confronted me. Initially I denied it out of fear for losing my license and job, but over the course of a couple of days I realized it was best if I came clean. That was over 5 years ago, and I've been living in active sobriety ever since. So, in answer to her question: Who does that? I guess that would be me.
