This day is getting worse. Here I am working at my desk thinking about how my husband is at home, still umemployed. Instead of refocusing on my work I think about how he hasn't worked since the summer and it's not the economy in MI solely to blame. He has a poor work hx. He has been let go because of companies cutting costs but he has left jobs because they were either comission only and he wasn't making much or because the hours became very long. I have talked to him nicely about this, I have been on his case, I have let it go over the holidays, and now I am back to being pi$$ed. I am very aware of my resentment towards him and it kinda settled down for a bit there. I now realize that me letting it go over the holidays was only a way for me to try and forget the whole mess and let me do my best at recovery. Now that I am getting angry at him again I am thinking damn, I went through a whole lot last year...I was using while working a stressful job, I was depressed and suicidal at times, finally got suspended, off of work for 5 months, working now although only a temp administrative job at the hopsital I worked at before...and through all of my sweat and tears he still is without work.
So I felt the need to vent on a message board I have posted on before. I am aware that you get poor replies and people telling you that you married the lazy guy and blah blah blah. Could you imagine if I said...oh yeah, and I am a recovering addict! yikes. I guess I was hoping for someone to say they know how I feel. My husband is wonderful and he is a hard worker and very smart. I told him that I don't see that man anymore. So right now he is not the man I married. I know he wants to be the bread winner and he is not happy with himself right now. I don't know what to do. He is looking for jobs. He mentioned moving out of state but I have told him no in the past because I can't trust him due to his job hx. I am not about to move away from my family, support for recovery groups, etc. because he can FIND a job outside of MI. That is not the complete issue...can he KEEP that job as a career and provide stability for us because I want a family some day.
When I get home from work I plan to sit down with him and tell him he needs work now. I have already told him since the new year started that he really needs to find ANYTHING for now. I guess we need to talk again. I am so upset right now. And thinking about the fact that I am working my job plus working to stay c&s....people have no idea how hard that can be. I feel like they take it like a grain of salt sometimes. It's hard not to think about wanting to F it all up just to show him I am fed the F up. Grr.
Sorry to vent...and vent hard. Thanks for listening. I just figured I could come here and you guys would atleast listen and not flame me.