Need to get my story out there

Nurses Recovery

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Really feel like I need to get my story out there. November of 2012 I was caught diverting drugs while working. No criminal charges came about but I was reported to the MA BON. In February of 2013 I entered an alternative to discipline program (SARP) for 5 years. I participated in the program in as much that I called everyday for testing and tested when I was selected. But that was about it. I did not go to the meetings, I didn't go to the peer support groups and I missed a couple quarterly meetings. The SARP program worked with me - I know they did - but I couldn't get out of my own way. I never told my husband what was going on, just that I had it "handled." The truth was? I had no handle on anything. I still feel like I don't. I get my daughter to school and cheer. I make dinner and do laundry and take care of the home. But they are all just motions in a day. To this day I believe I am probably clinically depressed, but have never got ANY treatment for this.

The point of my rambling is in November of 2013 my daughter got sick and I had to miss ANOTHER meeting with the SARP committee. But the difference this time is that I HAD been working the program, I had my paperwork and volunteered to submit it to the committee via fax if necessary. However the director called in the morning and stated to stay home and take care of my daughter, and to plan to come to the meeting the following month. Three days later I was notified that I had been dropped from the program. i appealed the decision and I have a hearing April 9th to determine if I am to be allowed back into SARP or if my license is to be suspended.

I am so scared - my husband still knows nothing and neither do my parents. But I NEED someone to know what is happening because I feel like everything is FALLING APART. I am 33 - I still have a lot of life to live, but I feel like if it wasn't for my daughter I would rather disappear than deal with any of this.

I feel like once this is behind me, one way or the other, that I can move on. But I don't know what to do - I literally feel lost and last night (when I heard about the hearing) it was all I could do to make it to bed that night. I know I need to tell my husband and I probably should include my Mom in the discussion at some point. I am only child and the apple of my parents eye - but I don't feel like that, I feel like a complete failure. And my husband is my soulmate and ultimately will be there for me but I worry about what this will do to his sobriety (opiate addiction and alcohol) as well.

I am just lost.

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Specializes in Addictions, Adult Psych.

I think you will feel better if you come clean with your family. You need their support to get through this. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by their response. Most people want the best for their loved ones and will want to support you through this difficult time. We are all rooting for you, you can do this! Please keep us updates. The nurses in recovery forum is full of support.

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Honesty is probely the hardest pill I ever had to swallow. Coming clean to my wife was a call from jail, humiliation at it's core, she was angry (rightfully so) but we survived. Telling my son I thought would kill me. Instead he hugged me, told me he loved me and was glad that I could open up to him. Being open and honest with those we count for love and support also means being honest with oneself. Acknowledging that there is a problem that needs to be addressed, because it won't just majically go away. I started by opening up to those closest to me first. Some I've never told, never will. I had to forgive myself so I could grow. Fear, Depression, Anxiety, Anger, Frustration, Feeling Isolated are all valid emotions WE (Nurse's in Recovery) are all to familiar with. Venting your thoughts in this forum is a good (and anonamous) start. You have a long journey to heal yourself. I wish you well. Keep posting, You are not alone. Peace

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Good afternoon OP! As I write I am sitting in my car preparing to walk into the board of nursing investigators office, so I understand and deeply empathize with your terror. I get why you went through those motions, sometimes the situation feels so intolerable that we disassociate completely. Bravery is the first step, and does not require you to feel brave. Bravery is nothing more than taking an action even when it terrifies us. Being honest is terrifying but is absolutely necessary in order to recover, we hide in secrecy and we continue to be sick. Talk to your soulmate. You will be surprised by compassion. I had to let go of my isolation and self will and realize I am not an island, I am it rounded by people who care and I am learning to be grateful for that humility. Very uncomfortable, but inspiring daily.

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Specializes in Addiction Medicine, ER, and Psychiatry.

Hello, LostInMA... I am just entering SARP... I have my admission meeting in June... I hope you are feeling better about recovery now. I am willing to accept what I need to do to get through this 5-year journey, however it's overwhelming and frustrating on so many levels. Just remember you are not alone and we're all here for you.

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Specializes in long-term-care, LTAC, PCU.

I suggest that you get honest with your family.

Honesty is a hughe spiritual principle and without it, you can't start to gain the trust of those close to you.

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Specializes in Gerontology RN-BC and FNP MSN student.

Meetings are so valuable.... Please try to get to one. Also Honesty is the antidote.

You can get your life back, I bet you will get more relief than you expect if you come clean. How can you get the support you need if no one really knows? You all deserve better... give yourself a break and quit carrying this around in your spirit all by yourself. Best wishes.

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Be honest my wife is my best therapist and has supported me all the way

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