LostinMA

Really feel like I need to get my story out there. November of 2012 I was caught diverting drugs while working. No criminal charges came about but I was reported to the MA BON. In February of 2013 I entered an alternative to discipline program (SARP) for 5 years. I participated in the program in as much that I called everyday for testing and tested when I was selected. But that was about it. I did not go to the meetings, I didn't go to the peer support groups and I missed a couple quarterly meetings. The SARP program worked with me - I know they did - but I couldn't get out of my own way. I never told my husband what was going on, just that I had it "handled." The truth was? I had no handle on anything. I still feel like I don't. I get my daughter to school and cheer. I make dinner and do laundry and take care of the home. But they are all just motions in a day. To this day I believe I am probably clinically depressed, but have never got ANY treatment for this. The point of my rambling is in November of 2013 my daughter got sick and I had to miss ANOTHER meeting with the SARP committee. But the difference this time is that I HAD been working the program, I had my paperwork and volunteered to submit it to the committee via fax if necessary. However the director called in the morning and stated to stay home and take care of my daughter, and to plan to come to the meeting the following month. Three days later I was notified that I had been dropped from the program. i appealed the decision and I have a hearing April 9th to determine if I am to be allowed back into SARP or if my license is to be suspended. I am so scared - my husband still knows nothing and neither do my parents. But I NEED someone to know what is happening because I feel like everything is FALLING APART. I am 33 - I still have a lot of life to live, but I feel like if it wasn't for my daughter I would rather disappear than deal with any of this. I feel like once this is behind me, one way or the other, that I can move on. But I don't know what to do - I literally feel lost and last night (when I heard about the hearing) it was all I could do to make it to bed that night. I know I need to tell my husband and I probably should include my Mom in the discussion at some point. I am only child and the apple of my parents eye - but I don't feel like that, I feel like a complete failure. And my husband is my soulmate and ultimately will be there for me but I worry about what this will do to his sobriety (opiate addiction and alcohol) as well. I am just lost.