Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it. - page 8

:spin:Just curious as to what you would say. Mine goes something like this: Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight. I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave. Yelling and hurling obscenities at me... Read More

  1. 1
    Quote from earle58
    yep, ruby's a pro, for sure.

    um, a pro? is that a good thing?
    Last edit by VivaLasViejas on Dec 16, '07 : Reason: gratuitous reference to male genitalia
    sissiesmama likes this.

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  2. 5
    Here's my two cents:

    "No, I will not close the door for you, since obviously you could open it by yourself."

  3. 92
    1. Yes, you are on a lot of medications. Yes, I want you to take all of them. No, none of them are poison. We are not trying to make you sick so we can keep you here longer. Yes, I understand that you were perfectly healthy before you called 911 before you nearly fell over dead. I understand that you weren't taking ANY medications before coming here, but YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL, HOW WAS THAT WORKING FOR YA?

    2. If you're capable of reaching your mouth to eat, then you should be capable of reaching your own rear end to clean it.

    3. Just because I am wearing the same uniform as your nurse, that doesn't mean I am YOUR nurse. I don't know you. I have no idea where your pain medication is. I had no idea mama was even on the bedpan, let alone that she had been calling for 3 hours (there must be some sort of time warp in the hospital) to get off it.

    4. No, I don't mind coming in RIGHT NOW to pull the cover up on your loved one (because it surely requires an RN for that type of "procedure")...that is if you don't mind running to the other end of the hall to tell me why that patient isn't breathing. I should be done here by the time you get back.

    5. Yes, I know the food here is crap. Sure...go on and bring your diabetic renal family member that fried chicken, chocolate cake and orange juice that they love so much and while you're at it, why don't you come on back tonight, we'll probably need the help while we're coding their @$$.

    6. Yes, you figured out our secret. We draw labs every day so that eventually you'll lose enough blood that we can charge you for putting it back in.

    7. No, of course we're not trying to wean your loved one off that ventilator. He just looks so comfortable we thought we'd let him keep it.

    8. I have no idea why nana is so confused, could be that she's 102 years old. Yes, I understand that she never had been confused prior to being in the hospital. I'm sure she was completely in her right mind when she stole that car and was getting ON to that major highway via the OFF ramp just before she hit that car head-on. Yes, we really did tie her up with duct tape, put her in the shower and let the pigs chew on her knuckles last night.

    Oh, man....I could do this all night! LOL!!!
    Junebug903, dsd00, hgrimmett, and 89 others like this.
  4. 48
    Quote from AngelfireRN
    :spin:Just curious as to what you would say. Mine goes something like this:

    Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.

    I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.

    Have fun!

    In Psych Nursing at the bedside or inpatient, I DO tell my patients< "I am a Registered Nurse NOT a waitress nor maid. That's what the initials R.N. stand for."

    This statement represents reality orientation AND limit-setting.

    (I also TEACH this to my R.N. students)

    Of course, attached to this statement is a clear description of the duties and functions I DO PERFORM in order to provide safe, prudent and nurturing patient care.

    And I'll stand in anybody's court to defend my statements---ANYTIME.

    Let's not get it twisted---FIRM and STRAIGHTFORWARD is NOT verbal abuse!

    CrystalgLPN, Junebug903, dsd00, and 45 others like this.
  5. 10
    "No, your insurance does NOT cover my services. The fee is $250 an hour and the clock is ticking."
  6. 50
    No you are not paying the bill, I am! because you are on Medicaid and are popping babies out faster than we can catch them.
    Junebug903, dsd00, the_london_sky, and 47 others like this.
  7. 4
    Quote from The Bell Jar
    The second time you use your call light for something you are able to do for yourself,like pull your blanket up,fluff your pillow lift your glass to your lips with your perfectly fine hands, your call light will distribute a minor electrical shock to you kind of like a cattle prod.

    But more importantly,I would like to tell one or two of my co workers that they are ugly on the inside.
    Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  8. 24
    I actually did this:

    We have a frequent flier; an alcoholic, drug-seeking, elderly man. He ALWAYS goes AMA within 12 hrs of admission.:angryfire

    He presented to the ER one early Friday night, ETOH intoxicated, w/ c/o CP (which he has learned gets him a shot or two of morphine). Not this time! He has been totally worked up numerous times for CP - nada. On this occasion, after screening, labs, and an ECG, the night hospitalist admits him to Med/Surg on tele at about 3am, just to get his unruly, demanding azz out of the ER. Here's the icing on the cake: NO medication orders, NPO, bedrest, and immediate d/c orders if he leaves the floor to go smoke.

    Anyway, this PIA is on the call bell every 3-4 minutes, demanding pain meds, food, etc. He wasn't even my pt this admission, but everyone on the floor was tiring of answering the bell and telling him "no, the Dr. didn't order you any meds" (or diet, etc.)

    At about 4:30am, I had had enough! Marching into his room and closing the door, I approached the head of his bed. Putting both hands on the mattress and leaning down to about a foot from his face, I said: "Mr. XXXX, let me share a little something with you. We've got your number! We know why you are here, and guess what? You ARE NOT getting any narcotics here today, nor are you going to be fed. The doctor didn't order you anything, and we can't give you anything w/o orders. So.... quit being a pain in the azz, stay off the call bell, and if you don't like it you can carry your drunk, dope-seeking azz out of here!":trout:

    At 7:15am, during report, this "pt" was last seen headed for the elevator - his tele unit and INT laying on the bed he had occupied. This pt has NOT been back to the hospital since!

    As an afternote: On the way to work one night about a month later, I saw this fellow at the convenience store where I stop to get gas. He was buying (what else?) a six-pack of tall-boys. Greeting him by name, I said, "Hi there, Mr. XXXXX. You be sure to be really careful tonight, because the hospital is full and we might have to send you down to XXXXX (nearest charity hospital, 45 miles away - a miserable cesspool under the best of conditions) if you come in tonight! Worked like a charm.:spin:
    Last edit by sirI on Dec 18, '07
    Calypsa, Junebug903, TJ'sMOM, and 21 others like this.
  9. 4
    Quote from bagladyrn
    (You picked him, not me!).
    You can't say that to people who AREN'T your patients.

    I almost said something like that recently to a woman I know who is highly educated and mostly associates with ex-convicts. :spin: I wisely kept my mouth shut because a comment like that would probably get me shot (figuratively speaking, of course).
  10. 7
    Quote from RosalindRN
    To the obese I wont be getting you out of bed for the first time so you can fall on me...... Also, dont get mad when it takes me 20 minutes to hunt down four other pep strong enough to turn your big azz and put you on the bedpan.(common complaint of 350lbs plus pts.)

    If you called me for nausea meds(phenergan ofcourse) then no I wont be getting you those snacks you wanted....nauseated pep shouldnt eat graham crackers and peanut butter.

    To the pts threatening to leave AMA after berating all the staff because we wont cater to your every need .......Dont let the door hit you where the good lord split you....PEACE OUT!!

    To the irrate patients that scream..."I'll never come to this hospital again"............ You promise? I mean, can I get that in writing?

    No I wont get your husband a Tylenol and no I wont change your disabled incontinent family members brief.....YOU are my patient and we're not running a 2 for 1 special today.........Thank you, exit left.

    To all impatient families and patients...yeah I may be big but there isnt really two of me...I cant be in two places at one time. Sit down, shut up, and take a number
    :roll:roll Damn right!!!

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