Things pts say that make you scratch your head.

[Mommy&RN]

1.) "I am very health conscious, and a bit of a germaphobe"

+ for cocaine.

2.) " I can't breathe, the nebs don't help, I'm allergic to steroids, because they made me swell"

Me: do you feel like your cant catch your breath, or can you not breathe through your nose?

"Can't breathe through my nose." (Sats 97%)

Now, she was wheezy, and I really think a hit of steroids would make her feel a ton better, but I guess breathing is secondary to swelling...

[blackvans1234]

Old female black Pt

(soft voice) What time is it? Where am I? (Turns head and looks me dead in the eye loud voice) AND WHO THE DICKENS ARE YOU!?

Me: Im dickens!

[Sadala, ADN, RN]

I was bathing an 89yr old patient once and was cleaning his private/groin area. He said, "They don't work anymore!" I said, "Really?" He said, "Yeah they are too old!"

I'd actually prob laugh if a pt said that.

[smile_through_it]

I had a patient tell me that he was admitted because they found ammonia in his lungs... needless to say he had pneumonia.

I also had a patient tell me she was not using any drugs.. he drug screen came back positive for meth and cocaine... when I asked her what she had been using she told me that right before they took her blood in the ER they FORCED her to take percecet even though she didn't want it, she swore that was why her tox screen was positive.

[f1j1nurse23]

At intake client told me he feels suicidal. Per protocol he was placed in safety cell but before that his clothing was removed. Custody calls me on the radio to get to safety cell stat. I run over there to find client standing naked n upon closer inspection I say " why are your testicles tied together with zip tie".

Client " umm cause I don't hv sex too often so I keep the tied"

Of course I had to take scissors n very carefully cut the tie off! Needless today I'm nicknamed the " ball girl" by custody staff at work!

[f1j1nurse23]

Needless to say*

[Mommy&RN, BSN, RN]

Confused pt, urine incontience, bed is wet

She tried to hit the 1st 2 techs that went in there. Her nurse and I are talking to her about changing her bed. 1st she said if you are going to get me naked, you have to be naked to. (ummm no one wants to see that...lmao)

Then she looks at me and says "I'm gonna do me. You can do you and use those slaves."

Fun times!

[Skayda]

Make sure no one steals my underwear. (The dirty pair she had on at admission.

I am not hard up enough to steal dirty drawers. Promise panties would be a better option.

I went in for lithotripsy wearing underwear and when I woke up they were gone! I decided to chalk it up to items that get sucked into the black hole of a hospital and that was that. But, they were brand new only worn that one day! Still I had a whole pack from Walmart at home so it didn't upset me, I just thought it was weird and got a little insulted when my boyfriend asked me if I might have forgotten I that wasn't wearing underwear before the procedure? I think I'd know and remember if I had on panties or not! Lol!

[Skayda]

I once had a patient ring every fifteen minutes or so to have the door closed -- and the only reason it was open was because I had to open it to go into the room to answer the call bell.

I had a patient hit her call light and when I went in and asked her what she needed she just shook the buzzer at me and glared daggers. So thinking maybe she didn't hear me since she was hoh I asked her again louder what she needed since she pressed the button, (and maybe she forgot what she needed or it wasn't pushed intentionally), but, as an answer she goes "Well, if you don't know what I need I'm certainly not going to tell you!"

Apparently being telepathic is another skill a CNA/Nurse needs to perfect. Lol.

[Skayda]

Working as a caregiver thru an agency in a private home; My patient was a little old lady whose son and daughter in law lived with her. The son kept trying to give me lists of "chores" to do that had nothing to do with caring for his mother and some where downright dangerous! "Hop on that ladder and finish painting the ceiling like the other half of it! And after you can rearrange the cans in my kitchen cupboards. Mom will be ok for awhile." When I told him, politely that I was only there to help his mother, he goes; "Well, what are you here for then?! Isn't it your job to take care of us?" OMG! I said "I think you are mixing me up with your mother and/or a maid/handyman. None of which I am. Besides, I'm here for your mother. Not you." Goes without saying I asked for another position.

[Skayda]

I had a patient tell me that he was admitted because they found ammonia in his lungs... needless to say he had pneumonia.

I also had a patient tell me she was not using any drugs.. he drug screen came back positive for meth and cocaine... when I asked her what she had been using she told me that right before they took her blood in the ER they FORCED her to take percecet even though she didn't want it, she swore that was why her tox screen was positive.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt (lol!) that still leaves the coke and meth unaccounted for. Unless the ER staff forced her to smoke crack and meth on top of the unwanted Percocet. Lol!

[csoultz]

I once had a LOL at the LTC facility I work at have a bowel accident all over her bathroom floor. I go into her room to help her clean up and I ask her if everything is ok. She replies with "Oh that wasn't me, some dogs snuck into my room and pooped all over my floor!" It still cracks me up to his day.

[NICUmiiki, DNP, NP]

In the ER:

pt (about 25yo) walks all the way from her room, stops in front of the bathroom door, and asks us "Can't you just put a catheter in me?"

Another pt gets out of bed, walks out of her room, and YELLS at us "I can't breathe!"