Confessions Of A Nurse With Poor Interpersonal Skills

[TheCommuter]

I've heard that the initial step to solving a problem is admitting that you have one in the first place. Well, my name is TheCommuter and I have a problem with interpersonal skills. Gulp.

For starters, interpersonal skills are the competencies that a person uses for interaction and effective communication with other people. We first learn these skills in our families of origin and continually reinforce them through interactions at school and with peers. Someone who has solid interpersonal skills knows how to listen actively, speak clearly, communicate with efficiency so others will understand, assert oneself without being too aggressive or passive, regulate one's emotions, build rapport, and resolve conflicts.

Interpersonal skills are important enough to make or break one's career because, even though a highly cheerful person can succeed in the workplace without a great deal of intelligence, a highly intelligent individual will face a series of uphill battles in his or her professional life without possessing good social skills. In fact, the Center for Public Resources did a national survey and found that 90% of the time people are fired for poor attitudes, inappropriate behavior and poor interpersonal skills rather than deficient job skills (McNamara, 2003). Social ineptitude, difficulty bonding with people on a personal level, struggling with empathy, and failure to express ideas will harm one's ability to build interpersonal relationships in all aspects of life.

You're probably wondering, "Why did you pick nursing as a career if you know you have a problem with interpersonal skills?" I started training for nursing in my early 20s. My sense of identity was not fully developed at that time and, although I had been in the workforce since the age of 16, I was blissfully unaware that my relational issues might have been due to a lack of basic interpersonal skills. Although my employment had never been terminated anywhere, I was getting on the nerves of supervisors, coworkers, and customers without having much insight on the reasons behind it all.

I am an introvert who does not necessarily take pleasure in meeting new people, even though I put on the acting game for the sake of my patients. Also, I'm not the nurse who seeks validation or yearns to 'be needed' by others. People say I'm quiet. I'm task-oriented and often create a 'to do' list when each shift begins. Small talk aggravates me, but I will chat and schmooze to put the patient or family member at ease. I am serious and lack a sense of humor to the point that I take some jokes literally. I have a restricted affect, intermittent eye contact, and I do not smile much because my smiles often seem fake. It took several years of working in nursing to realize that my interpersonal skills were problematic.

What have I done to conquer my issues? To be frank, I have had to play the game. If my supervisor babbles on endlessly about a recent vacation, I actively listen, ask questions, and otherwise pretend to be interested. If a patient or visitor has questions about a medication, physician, procedure, or some random topic, I smile while making direct eye contact and answer to the very best of my ability. If a coworker tells a corny joke, I laugh as if it was funny. I also initiate more conversations, ask more questions, and participate in discussions that others have started. It took me a long time to realize that people want to be reminded that they matter. Acknowledging them, connecting on a personal level, and seeking information reminds them that they matter.

I have seen many technically-skilled nurses get fired for their inability to be personable and their lack of interpersonal skills. The hands-on skills and ability to assess are critical to keeping patients alive, but the interpersonal skills are crucial to one's success in most occupations. When one uses good interpersonal skills to connect to coworkers and patients on a deeper level, they will usually take pleasure in your presence and regard you positively.

[Ambitiouz]

Thanks for this article. I'm another one with poor interpersonal skills. SInce I'm a quiet and reserved introvert I often get judged as antisocial by coworkers. I simply loathe small talk and engaging in conversations about the personal lives of others. It's a acting game the minute I come on shift. I lack the likeability factor as well. I find myself wondering why I am this way all the time. I know a lot of it stems from shyness and my inability to hold a conversation. When I talk...I like to make every word count. People ask why I am so quiet, and I sometimes say...what's wrong with being quiet, it's not a crime. But I realize it's seen as especially odd to be a quiet nurse. I am definitely incompatible with the typical nursing personality.

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

nurseblob said:

It can be very frustrating when the "good nurse" is the one who sits down, visits with family, serves everyone coffee, visits, is entertaining etc. when actually, there are orders sitting at the desk, labs not addressed, doctors not called, meds not ordered etc.

I've said this before and I'll say it again. . .

When many members of the public are confronted with the choice between the fake nurse who tells them everything they want to hear or the genuine nurse who tells the blunt truth, people will usually gravitate toward the phony.

Although people claim to want honesty, most cannot seem to handle the truth. Therefore, the sweet nurse who tells them what they want to hear and validates their poor life choices is the one that will be preferred by patients, families, and the public. It's not fair, but it happens everyday.

Therefore, the nurse who fetches coffee and snacks with a big McDonald's smile is beloved, even though she might not be able to manage time, perform basic procedural skills, or complete a basic assessment. This is the nurse who makes the patient and family feel good about themselves.

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

You could bowl me over--WOW! By your posts on this message board, Commuter, you would be the least person I would think lacks interpersonal skills. Not that messages convey a tone (as I am WELL aware, my sarcasm and innuendo NEVER compute, darn it!! LOL) but you are a wealth of good, no nonesense advice.

In any event, the best things we can do for our kids is to teach them to be socially appropriate. To be professionally appropriate. To build character with an open mind and a warm heart. We all have different personalities. The best things we can do for ourselves is to be the best we can at work, and to leave the personal issues at the door on the way in. Easier said than done for some. I don't find someone's professional work behavior as annoying as the "I have issues at home therefore, I am going to make everyone's shift miserable" attitude.

On a side note, one of my adult nephews is lovely. Just a good kid. (I have 14 nieces and nephews all grown and they ALL rock--I love being and Auntie--story for another thread....) Has some of the issues that you describe, Commuter, and come to find out he has Aspergers. NOT suggesting that you do, however, for those among us who lack in interpersonal skills, there's a wealth of knowledge to be had on how someone who is concerned over their interpersonal skill level--you need to learn it to practice it to put it into play in your adult life. My daughter on the other hand is a social butterfly, incredibly appropriate, but has my sarcasm button--that OF COURSE she saves for me--and we had to work on that--as she was coming across as "mean" as opposed to a "dry sense of humor".

I hope that the "just amuse them and let's get this conversation over with" is not causing you anxiety. You can be quiet and polite and not seem to be lacking interpersonal skills. Not everyone has to be the one with the lampshade on their head (that would be me HAHA)

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

Seeee, now I should read the entire content of the responses before sending one myself--

Good interpersonal skills does NOT mean a fake, overtly sweet, butterfly flying around imparting good will and glitter.

I believe I have incredible interpersonal skills. This is how I was raised. Eye contact, professional tone, look em in the eye--and NOPE NOT gonna tell you what you want to hear, as these are other people's lives--I think about what I am gonna say, how I am gonna say it, and the best answer to whatever question a patient has. I can assess with the best of em, my clinical skills are above par, mostly, HAHA and my best quality is that I am humble HAHAHAHAHA------Seriously--we can not equate good interpersonal skills with fake sweetness and light. People have the ability to be both interpersonally competent and clinically competent.

[amygarside]

I admire you for your honesty. I liked reading your article about interpersonal skills. I guess most of us have different weaknesses that we need to develop or work on in order to become a more effective nurse or professional. I wish you good luck and hope that you will be able to conquer your interpersonal skill weakness.

[MaBien]

I am shy and quiet person, I try to start a conversation, but often times, i quiver when alone with a supervisor inside a nursing station, thinking, there`s gonna be a lot of silence, since im a quiet person, will talk/answer only when asked. I can do exchange of conversations but after a while, its dead silence. During meetings, I am more of a follower, than raising a new issues/ideas. Im easy to get along, but i guess, my being quiet, made me a less favorite to my bosses. When asked on certain ideas, i can place my take on it very well. Its just , I`m having a hard time, opening up to a person I am not comfortable with, up to now, my shyness, is a hindrance to having an excellent interpersonal skills. That`s maybe why, I settle for a home health career. Though I would like to experience working in a facility setting..

[us2uk4u]

The health industry is a business that thrives on one's ability to schmooze customers. Keep customers happy and they will come back. A hiring manager friend of mine once said she always ask candidates if they ever had a waitressing job in the past and whether or not they enjoyed it. She said it was a good indication if the candidate shows good interpersonal skills.

[dirtyhippiegirl, BSN, RN]

TheCommuter said:

I've said this before and I'll say it again. . .

When many members of the public are confronted with the choice between the fake nurse who tells them everything they want to hear or the genuine nurse who tells the blunt truth, people will usually gravitate toward the phony.

Although people claim to want honesty, most cannot seem to handle the truth. Therefore, the sweet nurse who tells them what they want to hear and validates their poor life choices is the one that will be preferred by patients, families, and the public. It's not fair, but it happens everyday.

Therefore, the nurse who fetches coffee and snacks with a big McDonald's smile is beloved, even though she might not be able to manage time, perform basic procedural skills, or complete a basic assessment. This is the nurse who makes the patient and family feel good about themselves.

Your mistake is in assuming that there are only two categories of nurses: "fake nurses" and those who tell the "blunt truth."

At the end of the day, it's a bit o' a little bit o'both.

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

dirtyhippiegirl said:

Your mistake is in assuming that there are only two categories of nurses: "fake nurses" and those who tell the "blunt truth."

At the end of the day, it's a bit o' a little bit o'both.

I haven't made any mistake or erroneous assumptions. . .I know fully well that there are multiple types of nurses with varying moral compasses and all sorts of personalities. I simply presented two extremes (polar opposites) for comparison purposes.

[classicdame, MSN, EdD]

I have ADHD and have had trouble all my life with verbal communication. I would be exhausted from stress of trying to "behave". I am now at the age where, if you have problems with my conversation, it is your problem not mine. It is just too tiring to be "on" all the time.

[LilgirlRN, ADN, RN]

You just described me! You are doing what you have to do. I live in the deep south but I don't have the characteristic drawl, I do when I'm at work. Believe it or not people here don't like "yankees", don't trust them. So be sweet, kind and caring as patients and families expect and be yourself at the nurse's station or locker room but especially at home.

[siRNita, BSN, RN]

Thank you so much for sharing, TheCommuter. I really appreciate your open-ness about this issue and I also value all the comments from people dealing with the same struggle. Nursing is a very social occupation. I am an introvert, although I learned to "play the game" while working in food service. Nothing like tips to incentivize your schmoozing skills. In my opinion there is room for balance - you can be sweet, kind, and respectful while still getting things done. And sometimes the patient NEEDS you to stand there and listen to them for five minutes more than they need whatever medication is due next. "Listening" needs to be a priority as well. Just kind, patient explanation can go a long way.

In the words of a great nurse... I mean governess, "just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down."