How do You deal with Man-Hating Female Nurses?

worldsoulrn · May 22, 2005

I've been working in our ER for nearly a year, and in lieu of recent events, was prompted to open this thread. I am the only male nurse in, not just the ER but in the entire hospital. The nurses I work with are very good at what they do, save for one fault. THEY HATE MALES! Despite their "friendly" and helpful demeanor there has always been some underlying hostility towards me. Not only that, I tend to overhear comments like "They only hired him because he's a male nurse." and "Guess who's YOUR partner today?" Even though this is a male nursing forum, Marci, I hope you are reading this.
One of the nurses I used to work with (who I miss dearly) suggested I try to "kill them with kindness." It didn't work. I brought homemade cheesecake. They ate it like hyenas at a slaughter, but not a single thank you from any of them.
OK here's my question: How do I attempt to solve this problem, without quitting my job (which I do love) without having to resort to murder? Has anyone run across this problem? How did you deal with it?

I'm sorry. I can't see how a whole hospital could HATE MEN. What about outside of your unit?

You are the only male nurse. O.K. Be your best self. Don't worry about what others may think. How you think has more to do with it than you think.

______________________________________

"The Journey Is The Reward"

cue93 · May 29, 2005

Well i figured i'd write in and since others have gone through the same thing in different circumstances. I have been a RN (male) for 3 years in an ICU setting. Unfortunetly left first job where the nurses were more welcoming of male nurses, ( made the third on the unit). But there were a few nurses there who did not like males. Now my second job i left in December beacuse of a ineffective nurse manager, and later found out from a male nurse there alot of nurses werent fond of me. The kindness thing doesnt always work, alot of women are just very bitter in life in general never mind, if its a male thing with them. Hopefully things will work out for you but no matter where one goes some people will/wont accept you. That goes for males as well, but its easier to befriend males from my experience. Hopefully I get accepted into CRNA school in the next 2 years. I know I could not personally deal with situations for 20 more years. This is my first post on here glad to see there is a male forum now. Good luck.

Dayray, RN · May 31, 2005

I had a past experience with this and was not successful in dealing with it. Some nurses hated me for being a male nurse and they slowly poisoned the ones that didn't by either lying to them or just threw peer pressure. Even the ones I had befriended eventually would look to see who was watching before talking to me.

I have always gotten along well at work and even in high school most of my friends were girls so I find it hard to believe that I was just a jerk or had personality issues although I did consider that because they hated me so much.

I tried the kill them with kindness thing and thought it was working but they would walk away and make comments to each other. Very often I found my self the butt of jokes and tried to play along. Still any chance they had to criticize or belittle me they took. They would give me the bad assignments and call me off when ever they could. They would accuse me of being lazy.

After trying to kill them with kindness and failing I started confronting them. I wasn't overly hostile but would say things like. "I don't think that is fair" or "I feel I am being treating differently then a female nurse would" when they would make jokes about male nurses I would simply say "that's not funny". That defiantly did'nt work because they started to play dirty after that.

They would accuse me of things and I would have to answer to the manager. They accused me of practicing out of my scope, of stealing drugs, of misusing supplies, of bad patient care, of abusing patents, of sexual harassment of sleeping on the job, of leaving the floor, of falsifying documents, and many other things.

Each time my manager would investigate and each time they were found to be false. Once I asked her why she didn't punish them for lying about me. She said "You choose to work in a place with all women and this is the price you have to pay". At the time my perception of myself was so screwed up I took that as ringing true. I finally left because I knew at some point they would succeed at getting me in trouble.

I left and found a place that I love I get along very well even though I am the only male.

My advice to you is to get out of there. You can find another job so it's not worth living in shame or trying to fight them.

chris_at_lucas_RN, RN · May 31, 2005

I brought homemade cheesecake. They ate it like hyenas at a slaughter, but not a single thank you from any of them.

I absolutely love the metaphor, and my, my, isn't it apt?

I'm so sorry you are having this difficulty, and I do empathize. I have been in nonnursing situations, working with males, and been treated like crap no matter what I did or how nice I was or how helpful or how able.

There is no accounting for personality disorders, and when combined with stupidity, especially in a mob setting, it can be lethal to your mental health.

You can come work with me! We love our colleagues (unless they are incompetent, but you get points for cheesecake!).

You haven't really asked for this advice, but here it is anyway. There are plenty of places where you can work and enjoy the process. If they don't shape up, look elsewhere. I read recently that nurses' highest concern regarding work is who they work with.

Life's too short. Be good to yourself.

(Any chance you'd share that cheesecake recipe? :) )

(I may have to change my signature from Chris RN to Pudgy RN.... LOL)

berean532000 · May 31, 2005

I FEEL YOUR PAIN.:) Males typically don't play games at work. Females love to play games and gossip. It's just the way females are.(Most of them) If you're having problems with a female co-worker(s) and you've exhausted all your abilities in trying to make friends with them then you've done all you can do. Let the stress of trying to be friends with them GO. At this point THE TRICK IS TO NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING THERE FRIEND!!! And I'm not trying to put you down by saying this but STAND UP AND BE A MAN!!!:) Trust me females natural instinct will kick in if you're acting like a man.:) Sad to say but this may mean YOU being unfriendly with THEM. Or, at least indifferent. Not to the point of getting fired. Just be professional about your indifference towards them. Give it 6 months and I GAURANTEE THAT YOU'LL BE TREATED BETTER!!!:) I can tell this isn't your natural demeanor (like me) but it's the only way to get there respect and that's what you're after.:) YOU'RE NOT AFTER BEING THERE FRIEND, BUT RESPECT!!! Then after you've gotten there respect then start letting your natural kindness toward them show again.:) Yep it's unfair how some women feel the need to insert authority over a man. It's really all about insecurity and if you really knew what they were thinking inside you'd be suprised to find out that they are actually fearful of you.:) You are a threat to them because by being a man you represent authority to them. It's the natural laws of nature that the female co-worker are angry with not you.:)

1)Just relax at work, 2)don't worry about being liked, 3)expect most women to play games with you, 4)be better than they are, 5)know your stuff and 6)give them NO reason to speak negatively toward you. Also, I don't know if you are a man of faith, but prayer does work.:) Good luck and never quit!!!

SmilingBluEyes · May 31, 2005

wow such an education about "how we women are"...

so glad to see so many behavioral science and psychology/development experts here! :rotfl:

I wish people would quit generalizing. :rolleyes:

I worked in a military situation where it was 99% male and guess what, was subjected to the EXACT SAME sort of thing from the men around me. I was subject to heinous rumors spread about me, forced to listen to constant sexual innuendo and male toilet talk. I could have reported them, I suppose, to make it stop. But I figured it was better to rise above it. I began to consider the sources and found the ones among them who were decent to work with, associated with only them---- and I did my thing, minding my business and going on with life. I let the others' stupid remarks, comments and mannerisms roll off my back and soon, they ceased to make me a target.

Really, folks, It's NOT a "female thing" or a "male thing"----it's an insecurity and immaturity thing. And you can overcome it, if you have the security, self-respect and maturity to. Simple as that.

caroladybelle, BSN, RN · May 31, 2005

wow such an education about "how we women are"...
so glad to see so many behavioral science and psychology/development experts here! :rotfl:
I wish people would quit generalizing.
I worked in a military situation where it was 99% male and guess what, was subjected to the EXACT SAME sort of thing from the men around me. I was subject to heinous rumors spread about me, forced to listen to constant sexual innuendo and male toilet talk. I could have reported them, I suppose, to make it stop. But I figured it was better to rise above it. I began to consider the sources and found the ones among them who were decent to work with, associated with only them---- and I did my thing, minding my business and going on with life. I let the others' stupid remarks, comments and mannerisms roll off my back and soon, they ceased to make me a target.
Really, folks, It's NOT a "female thing" or a "male thing"----it's an insecurity and immaturity thing. And you can overcome it, if you have the security, self-respect and maturity to. Simple as that.

Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!

I worked in the music business, which can be terribly mysogynistic. I had to work twice as hard as the guys to get ahead...even the men agreed that I did.

I dealt with business meetings that were held at Hooters, and coworkers that would go out after work to the local strip club and network..and discussed the attributes of the "entertainment" at work the next day. We won't go into the people that expected me to sleep with people to benefit the business (no, I didn't ever date or sleep with anyone that I worked with, nor even flirt with them).

And men do show the exact same behaviors..cutting each other down. They just do it in different ways.

It has to do with immaturity and not gender.

SmilingBluEyes · May 31, 2005

nevermind. :)

z's playa · May 31, 2005

nevermind. :)

Awwww Come ON Blueyes ! :rotfl: :rotfl:

Z

SmilingBluEyes · May 31, 2005

I don't mean to minimize anyone's concerns. I hope that did not come across. I just mean we all are responsible only for our own actions and reactions. we can effect change by changing how we behave toward others. People may never change, but we can improve our situations by changing how we react to them. It's that simple.

nursemike, ASN, RN · Jun 1, 2005

Yep. There are men who are immature too.

:uhoh3:

SmilingBluEyes · Jun 1, 2005

I stand by my original posts/opinions.