Nurses with depression

pagandeva2000, LPN · Aug 26, 2010

One of the things that makes this hard to discuss with our nurse co-workers is that unfortunately, the nurture has been taken out of nursing, especially to each other. I think that most nurses are challenged with issues of anxiety at the very least, and I suspect that due to more nurses being the sole provider in single parented families, more responsibility has been added without the same amount of support. And, what happens, I suspect is that other nurses don't want these feelings to 'rub off on them', so, it is avoided.

I have no real issues speaking about having anxiety, and that my SSRI is my best friend. I don't think people believe me, but it saved my sanity.

subee, MSN, CRNA · Aug 26, 2010

Right. Except for those times that I can't get out of bed. And those times that I can't stop crying. No, there's no faking it here, especially now, without a job. There's only, real, serious depression that isn't helped by "faking it". Thanks so much for minimalizing how I feel. :icon_roll

Sorry, I didn't mean to minimalize how you feel. I"ve had one hospital admission for depression 40 years ago and never took meds until after Sept. 11 which freaked me out so much that I finally broke down and started on medication. So, I think I know about depression. You can spend your life defining yourself as a "depressed person" but what is the gain in it? Think very, very hard about that answer. It's true, you can't "undepress" yourself but an alcoholic can't cure herself of himself either but part of the therapy is "faking" normalcy by smiling, showing gratitude, etc. You CAN get out of bed. It is very hard and maybe you can't function well , but you are physically capable of getting out of bed. I had a job where calling in sick was forbidden unless you were in the hospital so in almost 40 years of nursing, I can count on one hand times that I called in. I do have a friend who's child is severely depressed and they haven't been able to find a medication for him. To an outsider who doesn't recognize depression, he would appear to be quiet and a little withdrawn. It's sad that treatment hasn't had much to offer. But he is the exception. You may be in bed crying now but that doesn't mean that you will be one month from now. Many therapy sessions and thousands of pills later I'm better. To an outsider I may be antisocial and sleep deprived but I go to work and smile. I smiled when I was crazy because what patient wants to be cared for by someone who never smiles? Any kind of recovery is work , the hardest work you will ever do.

grandmawrinkle · Aug 28, 2010

For all of you that were sympathetic and/or supportive, thanks.

It's a hard road for me. I have a hard time disclosing my problems to friends and co-workers because of the stigma still attached to mental illness .... even though mine is relatively minor (as compared to delusions, hallucinations, suicidal and/or irrational behavior, etc.) I don't want anybody to think I am "crazy." My former boss/mentor knows, and I feel that she is sympathetic because she has a daughter with similar problems. If that wasn't the case, I don't know if she would understand.

I feel a little bit better, even though I just restarted my meds. I know they are doing something, because I have been getting the weird, vivid dreams back in full force.... LOL. This usually goes away after I am a little more used to them.

For those of you who asked, I have been off meds intermittently because I have felt OK for periods of time in-between med regimens, and really, I don't want to be dependent on meds my entire life. If that is what I have to live with, I suppose, eventually, I will understand it, and accept it. It doesn't have anything to do with side effects I am experiencing or anything else like that.

FYI I had a lot of success with a very good, reputable PhD'ed therapist that is also a very well respected neuropsychologist and neurofeedback provider. I am still "technically" his patient -- meaning I haven't fired him -- but I have had a hell of a time getting in for weekly neurofeedback sessions (which take an hour), although I feel they are effective, WITHOUT medication. If my life ever slows down I will commit to long-term neurofeedback, which my therapist says, with enough treatments, is eventually permanent (for me, obviously, it has not been, yet.) Then, I am hoping I can wean myself off the meds.

I freaking hate Wellbutrin. It works well for me, which is why I go back on it...it gives me energy, a happier mood, and motivation -- all things I need -- but I pay the price of HORRIBLE withdrawal when I go off of it. It's really ugly. Crying every day, etc. Leslie :) --- I wonder if part of what you were experiencing with the daily crying had anything to do with medication withdrawal. It is, indeed, awful, and not something that your physician really warns you about.

I don't think that many people really understand...only the ones that experience depression, really do.

subee, MSN, CRNA · Aug 29, 2010

Grandmawrinkle: There are some websites out there devoted to the problem of getting off of anti-depressants (and I thought I was one of the few!). After the first time I swore I'd never go back on them because getting off of them was worst than menopause. But, that only lasted a few months and the paresthesias evolved into a fist in my stomach so I gratefully went back on but am taking half of what I took before. I don't sleep great but the dose is enough to keep the night terrors at bay and no paresthesias. It is what it is. I've just surrendered to the fact that I'll need them probably forever and grateful that the drugs are available because otherwise, I'd be so scattered I wouldn't be able to work.

cherrybreeze, ADN, RN · Aug 29, 2010

I have suffered from depression for many years, since my late teens (and probably before, when I think about it). I have been on and off several different meds over the years, too. My "best" isn't the equivalent of someone without depression, unfortunately. However, my worst is suicidal, unable to shower, clean, pay my bills, and coupled with a feeling of anxiety so strong that I can't even go out and get the mail. I've accepted, finally, that I will need to be on an antidepressant and mood stabilizer for the rest of my life. It has never gone well when I've thought I was doing ok enough to NOT be on anything (hey, self, perhaps you felt decent AS A RESULT OF THE MEDS? Yea, took a while to "get" that for me).

I've had a few rock bottom episodes over the years. I've tried to kill myself before. My previous psychiatrist (who has since retired from his office practice) at one point offered me a leave of absence. I didn't take it; being single and living alone, the only thing that got me out of the house was work. I believed things would get even worse, if I did not have that to do.

I've never done an inpatient program, but probably should have. Maybe still will.

Luckily, my sister (who is also my best friend), can see when my depression "flares up" (we talk on the phone and I visit often, so when these things decrease, she knows I'm isolating) and she will not only point it out, but try harder to get me out of the house. I am better at at least recognizing when it happens (although I too often am powerless to CHANGE it, even though I want to). I disagree with the "putting on your big girl panties and faking it" thing.....even though I know what I SHOULD do, when I say at times it's impossible, I mean it. That's one part that my sister doesn't get....she says, "just do it." I say, I wish I could, and she says, "then just DO IT." It's a struggle, all the time.

Bottom line is, you are not alone. There are people that understand. Keep fighting. :hug:

pinkiepie_RN · Aug 30, 2010

I have bi-polar depression, with primarily mixed episodes and can definitely relate to this post. I started on medications during my second to last semester of nursing school because I was so stressed and unable to deal with up and down moods as well as the stress of group projects, clinicals, etc. I had been working at a psych hospital as a mental health tech and was well aware of what I was going through. I turned out to be a psych nurse and it seems that a good lot of my peers have mental health issues as well, or at least are close to people with mental illness. It's a tough road and I have not found a psychiatrist that will actually listen to me - I swear they think I have no idea as to what I'm talking about even though I do my research and have seen certain meds work well on patients. I'm in between therapists again but it's hard to keep a regular appointment with such an irregular schedule.

I hit rock bottom last December and had to take time off from work to participate in a PHP program and get my medications sorted out and my idea of what I wanted in therapy going in the right direction. I had a hell of a time getting back to work with Employee Health micro-managing me and getting confirmation not only from the doctor that treated me but my psychiatrist at the time who had nothing to do with my medication changes or knowledge of how I was functioning at the time. If I need time off for mental health reasons again, I think I'll file for FMLA.

SoundofMusic · Aug 31, 2010

I've suffered from one major depression and one post partum one. The post partum one was definitely worse w/ dehabilitating anxiety. I really hit me out of the blue ... but somehow I pulled through it.

It's no wonder I experience it as I had a pretty rough childhood growing up.

I now just try to understand it and know that when it's coming on, i have to get the help/meds and some counseling to pull out of it.

i think I live now w/ more of a lo-grade one that comes and goes than any major events .... my life is good, but it isnt' easy w/ a special needs child and a not so satisfying marriage ... I like many things, but there are a lot of things I wish I could change.

Overall, though, I'm super, super strong. I realize my weaknesses and take steps to overcome them when i have to ...that's about the most that anyone can do and I take pride in that. :rolleyes:

nyteshade, BSN · Sep 1, 2010

So does this doctor blame high-fructose corn syrup and mercury for the really great aspects of ADHD, too? Sorry I'm being a bit punchy, but ADHD is sort of awesome in many ways.
OP--I found Wellbutrin worked wonders for my longstanding depression, but that's because it was actually treating my long undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, a major factor in my depression. Is it possible that there an underlying cause in your case that hasn't been discovered?

I don't think the idea of diet affecting aspects of the mind and body is a far fetched idea...no need to bite...but I forgive you.

TDCHIM · Sep 1, 2010

I went through two rounds of major depression when I was younger, and I hope I'll never go through another round. It took multiple versions of meds and a few years of therapy to get everything sorted out. It was a terrible struggle - at my worst, I could barely function and I'd semi-surface enough to beat myself black and blue with anything heavy I could find and cut myself with pieces of broken glass (that was back before cutters were popularly known to exist).

I didn't want to be beholden to any medications, but I had to use them to help pull myself out of the deep, dry well into which I'd suddenly fallen. I eventually came to realize that it was much more weak and cowardly to avoid taking the meds and thereby remain a semi-catatonic lump than it was to use them in order to work my way back to my real self.

I'm thankful I did come to that realization during my years battling depression, because it helped me to accept the need for the medications I now must take to control the pain and muscle spasms from major damage I suffered to my spinal nerves. Both situations are chronic, both are genuine medical conditions - and in both cases, the only way I'd be a failure is by not taking the medications and losing my true self to illness or injury.

Taking anti-depressants for years or decades doesn't make you weak, OP, and it damned sure doesn't make you a failure. You are not alone.

dnnc52 · Sep 1, 2010

I have often looked for articles R/T the mental health of our healthcare workers. Even wonder what percent of our folks are on medications. This would reveal the condition of our profession . When I hear the term "going postal". It is not that pleasant but it did reveal enough to make major changes to the postal dept. How many of us have called in because we really needed a day off for mental health?. The hospital where I worked had some kind of program where they would provide you assistant with mental health sessions woithout the management knowing. But the folks who I knew belevied that the management in deed could fine out if you were going to them. I had nurses who were on medications that they would buy from pocket to to keep from being on there RX/insurance plan out of fear of folks finding out aboutr the medications. But wow what an interesting posting......

KeepingItRealEeyore · Sep 1, 2010

You are not alone. Give yourself credit. You took the first step by seeking help. Keep your head up.

explorer13 · Sep 1, 2010

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences about depression.

I have had dysthymia too - chronic low mood, since my teen years. My father was physically and emotionally abusive to my brother and me. An angry unhappy man. My mother was lacking in confidence and suffered with depression on and off and post partum depression after her 3rd child.

For nearly 20 years I have taken an antidepressant - initially Prozac and now Zoloft - although I have tried a few others Zoloft seems to work best. The only side effect I have/had appears to be loss of libido (etc) and so I would taper myself off the medication, have return of symptoms after about 3 weeks and restart the medication. This has happened numerous times over the years. I have read that some say this is withdrawal from the medication and not return of symptoms. Who knows.

Psychotherapy has been very helpful, although I still have extremely harsh negative self talk. I'm working on it - when I remember - but its so automatic.

My biggest regret is that I have two children who were raised by a depressed mother (me). One of them really got the worst of my depression affected behavior. Thats the saddest thing of all.