looking for advice, or mabey just an ear from those who understand

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Nov 11, 2011

you sound like you are in a spiritually painful place. there is no "should" in timing grief, no time by which you "should be over it," as you recognize but don't quite believe yet. yet i don't think you need to get out of nursing, because that won't change matters. what might be most helpful to you help move through a this painful place is to call up the local hospice and set up an appointment with their counselor for some grief work. yes, they care for people whose loved ones aren't current or past patients, and they are better than just about everyone else for this. and if you do continue to work in elder care, what you learn about yourself and the process will enrich your professional life too.

may you find peace:hug:.

Altra, BSN, RN · Nov 11, 2011

I've been where you are. It was around the 2-year mark that my coping significantly improved, though I still have some emotional upset when taking care of a patient of the same gender/age/diagnosis as my beloved family member.

:hug:

LadyinScrubs, ASN, RN · Nov 11, 2011

Hi everyone:). I guess i need to let something off my chest. First of all i will say i love nursing. Im an lpn studying for my degree at the moment. I work in Aged care and have done for 10 years. My problem is this. I lost my mother last year to lung cancer. I nursed her till the end, her illness was very quick, she passed just 6 months after diagnosis. Ever since she left i find it hard to care for elderly,and dying people. It seems to affect me more. I enjoy taking care of them, but also feel a bit depressed. I think about my mother every shift in some way.
I wonder if i need to have a change to school nursing or something involving no death for a while? or would i still feel the same no matter what job i was in? I keep on telling myself to snap out of it and get on with my career as i love my job and have invested alot of time and energy into it. I have 2 children and a husband who adores me, i am very blessed. I dont feel i have depression, im a very happy person with a positive outlook on life. Mums been gone a year and a half now, i know you cant put a time limit on grief, but surely i should be feeling better by now? Thoughts anyone?

What you describe is counter transference. The decision what to do is yours. Nursing has so many opportunities--home health, utilization/review, pediatrics, etc.--and you may be more comfortable in a job with a different focus.

BTW been there done that -- I cared for my father to the end (2 years) after he was dx with lung cancer; this caused me to step out of the last semester of my BSN schooling. At that time I was working in oncology. It took me some years to get back to "normal" and start my education again. Again, the decision is yours but don't give up your quest for your degree.

Imafloat, BSN, RN · Nov 11, 2011

Hugs....

I can't give you advice, losing a parent is so personal and we all go through it the way we weren't meant to.

allnurses Guide · Nov 11, 2011

I went into my nursing school journey just four months after my oldest son died from AML (he was 13). I was determined to work in oncology and/or hospice to honor his memory and find some way of using this intense pain for good in the world.

What I discovered though as clinicals exposed me to more things is that I do great with those patients and their families, only to come home literally sick in body and spirit. It just was too much, too close to home. But things like med-surg, women's health and cardiac filled me with peace and purpose. It spun me into a major personal crisis - if I was doing this to go into some other specialty, then did it mean I was no longer doing it "for" Joseph? I have struggled through this emotional maelstrom for some months now. I am doing better, but it has unleashed a lot of grief I managed to package up nice and neat and hide beneath the rigors of nursing school. Graduation is now 3 weeks away and I have been crying a lot.

I think it is natural to feel and think what you do. And I think it really is okay to decide to go to a different specialty, if not forever, at least for a while. It is healing to me to say that to you to be honest. I have had trouble giving myself permission to do the very thing I am assuring you of. Everything you learned through your mom's illness will go with you - and she will too. It is okay to step back from the pain it causes you. :hug:

mindlor · Nov 11, 2011

Condolences to all of those who have shared their losses. I think it isa deeply personal situation that will vary from person to person. I lost my baby brother to mental illness (suicide) two years ago. I start psych clinicals this coming monday and I am terrified that I will break down once I hit the psych ward after having spent so much time on the ward as a family member with my brother.....time will tell....

mazy · Nov 11, 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm posting a series of one page essays written by a woman who lost her mother to cancer. I found this to be tremendously helpful reading when I went through the grief of loss.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/features/2009/the_long_goodbye/the_long_goodbye.html

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/features/2009/the_long_goodbye/finding_a_metaphor_for_your_loss.html

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/features/2009/the_long_goodbye/normal_vs_complicated_grief.html

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/features/2009/the_long_goodbye/hamlets_not_depressed_hes_grieving.html

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/features/2009/the_long_goodbye/dreaming_of_the_dead.html

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/features/2009/the_long_goodbye/can_nature_help_assuageyour_grief.html

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/features/2009/the_long_goodbye/watching_someone_you_love_accept_death.html

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/features/2009/the_long_goodbye/what_is_it_like_to_recover_from_grief.html

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/grieving/features/2009/the_long_goodbye/the_moment_i_heard_my_mothers_diagnosis.html

esrun00 · Nov 11, 2011

I am sorry for your loss. It is a personal experience only which you can decide how long. Six months is not a long time. When my mother died, it took almost a year. Then 15 years later, I took a new job at the hospital she died it. Until I was asked to float to that floor, I didn't realize how it would affect me, seeing the room I had only seen that one day. But I recovered and made it through the day.

But when my sister died from cancer, I was an oncology nurse. I found I could not give encouragement to patients going through the same cancer, and I had to chose a different speciality.

You will make the right decision for you and you will know what to do.

Dixielee, BSN, RN · Nov 11, 2011

I am so sorry you had to go through the loss of your mother. As others have said, there is no time frame for grief. In fact, there will always be a pain in your heart for the ones you loved and are gone. I was working in the ED when my husband was diagnosed with cancer and it rapidly lead to his death 3 months later. It was the single most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. This was almost 4 years ago and while I still miss him, I have improved my coping skills.

My father died in Feb of this year after battling the effects of a stroke for a year. I took care of him a good bit of the time. It also was emotionally traumatic.

After my husband died, I found I could not work in the same ER with the same level of acute care and the death and dying. I moved to the Fast Track area and it has saved my career!

You will always miss your loved ones but there are so many areas of nursing to consider. Home health and urgent care are two that come to mind. While you still may have to deal with elderly and dying in home care, they are in their home environment and it is emotionally easier I think.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Grief counseling may be helpful. I have found that I avoid memorial services they offer at work for varies things. They have special yearly services for those who have lost family to cancer, child hood illnesses, premature birth, etc. I find those too emotional to bear, so I avoid them.

If you have a pastor or spiritual leader to talk to that would be helpful if you are a religious person. My church family has helped me tremendously.

Give yourself time, take care of yourself. Surround yourself with good things, good people and don't be ashamed to cry and don't be afraid to laugh. Stay especially close to those who love you and who you love and never, ever forget to tell them how much you love them. Blessings to you in this season of your life.

TheDreamJourney · Nov 11, 2011

It sounds to me that you are definitely still grieving. And i agree with you that there shouldn't be a time limit on grieving even though most psychologists say over one year may possibly be signs depression. I think that working with aged dying patients has naturally made your grieving process longer (because you are constantly reminded of your personal experience and have no escape). Maybe you can try doing fun things on your days off with your loved ones so you can feel better. Whether or not to stay in your career or change it is completely up to you. Nursing has a lot of opportunities and you have a lot of experience of caring for patients under your belt. You know what's best for you. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you feel better.

EDnursetobe · Nov 11, 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I hope that work gets less painful for you soon. That said, a change of environment might be good. If nothing else than from a professional standpoint of experiencing another area of nursing. And you might find that you love school nursing, or wherever you go. And if not, you can always go back to what you were doing before.

good luck