I am in desperate need of help. Please bear with me. This is a little lengthy. Without going into specifics and telling the whole story (simply because it would be an even longer post,) I'll give the essentials. I have debilitating anxiety when it comes to jobs. I graduated a year ago, so I'm a new nurse who feels trapped, hopeless and helpless. I am currently not working because I, yet again, quit my last job after just 3 days. I'm 31 and have had this problem my entire adult life. When I start a job, any job, I have extreme anxiety because I'm new and feel like I won't catch on and be good enough. I know anxiety is common, but mine is so intense, I become irrational and impulsive and do anything I can to get myself out of that feeling of anxiety, meaning I quit. I can think logically and tell myself it just takes time and all that good stuff, but when I'm in that state of panic, there is no talking sense into me.
It is ruining my life. I do see a psychiatrist. I am on medications. However it takes large doses of benzos to reduce that anxiety. NOT good. I do NOT want that for myself.
So my question? I have two. 1. Has anybody else ever experienced this? I'm asking to know whether or not as a nurse, if I'm alone in this. 2. I'm researching self help books on the topic, reading reviews of books on amazon
. Can anybody recommend a self help book that relates to my situation? My psychiatrist calls it "performance anxiety" which perfectly describes what I feel.
I love nursing very much and want to really begin my career. I did work as a patient care tech for a hospital for 3 years, and I worked for 2 months at a SNF right after I got my license. I loved working with the residents. I got through it with Lexapro and Xanax, but need to work on the anxiety myself with techniques. (After I get used to a situation, I no longer need the xanax, hence lasting 3 years at the hospital and a previous job for 6 years) I quit my first nursing job because I was overcome with panic before a shift and did not have any more xanax. I absolutely could not bring myself to go in, so I quit right then and there.
I moved up my next psychiatry appointment to discuss this more with my doctor. He knows I have built up quite a tolerance to xanax. ( I've been on it 7 years.) I am very honest with him. Please don't turn this into judging me about meds :/
So any books anyone is aware of? I'm only finding stuff of mild to moderate anxiety, and mine is debilitating to the point where I can't hold down a job. And anyone else that can relate?
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'd appreciate any responses.
P.S. I actually know the source of my anxiety, when and where it stems from, and that it has to do with low self esteem. But now I think, "ok, that's the first hurdle. I have insight. Now what?"