Selfish family?Student Mothers please read!

Nursing Students General Students

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I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors classes and getting A's) but just needed my help getting acclimated to the whole college registration thing. Since I already graduated with my ASD I know all the ins and outs.

Any-who, she is mother of 13 children. Not all still living at home: one 21yrs, one 18yrs, one 16yrs, one 15yrs, one 12yrs, one 10yrs, one 8yrs, and two 3yr old twins. The 21yr old, and two older children that are already out of the house (one including my husband) are upset and want her to quit school. They think that because she is spending some much time with school that she is not taking her responsibilities as a parent and is making others that are at home do them for her. (My husband mentioned something along the lines of his mother should just quit school and do her job as a parent) I am not sure how valid their arguments are. This is why: I understand that school is very hard and requires some sacrifices (when I was applying to the nursing program I was told that you better inform your family now that there will be some nights when cereal is all that will be for dinner). Being in the nursing program has resulted in my own absence so I am unable to observe the accusations myself. However, I know that my MIL has never worked and has been a stay at home mom up until now. She even home schooled all of the children until the twins were born and still home schools the 10yr old. I feel as though her family is being selfish now that she is trying to do something for herself (she wants to become a nurse so she can go to 3rd world countries and give people medical care), and due to the fact that they have never experience anything else...change is hard, especially one so big. I want to support her because, although I am not a mother myself, I know how hard school can be aside from everyday life. But what ever I say in her defense seems to fall on deaf ears.

What do you think?

Specializes in Lactation Ed, Pp, MS, Hospice, Agency.

Perhaps this says it all...

for all SAHM & former SAHM's, Aunt's, GM, & friends.

Being a mom is so UNDERRATED! :heartbeat

(I am posting this b/c it relates to the topic)

==================

JUST A MOM?

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office

was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder,

"do you have a job or are you just a......?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.

"I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,"

said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the

same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,

efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like,

"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it?

I do not know.

The words simply popped out.

"I'm a Research Associate in the field of

Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and

looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.

Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,

in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest,

"just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,

I heard myself reply,

"I have a continuing program of research,

[what mother doesn't)

in the laboratory and in the field,

(normally I would have said indoors and out).

I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)

and already have four credits (all daughters).

Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,

(any mother care to disagree?)

and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).

But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and

the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she

completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,

I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.

Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,

(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,

testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!

And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished

and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood!

What a glorious career!

Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers

"Senior Research associates in the field of

Child Development and Human Relations"

and great grandmothers

"Executive Senior Research Associates"?

I think so!!!

I also think it makes Aunts

"Associate Research Assistants".

Please send this to another

Mom,

Grandmother,

Aunt,

and other friends you know.

May your troubles be less,

your blessings be more

and nothing but happiness come through your door!

AMEN!!

Specializes in Lactation Ed, Pp, MS, Hospice, Agency.

I'm sorry to hear she had to go through this.... it's sad when family doesn't support you..

I've always found that the stay-at-home moms who honestly enjoy it are just grateful for the opportunity and not judgmental of moms who chose to do otherwisel. It's the martyrs who hate staying home who are critical.

Let's say a woman doesn't particularly enjoy staying home with children, why are her only two choices 1) do it anyway, 2) don't have kids.

Having some other competent person look after your children isn't child abuse. It might not be less than ideal to some, but none of use are providing our children with an ideal environment by everyone's standards.

Specializes in CCRN, TNCC SRNA.
IMHO, this is why so many kids are spoiled rotten these days. Everything is "child centered". What I mean by that is children are too sheltered-it's all about their wants and needs. Nothing wrong with an older sibling helping take care of the little ones-I did it and am very close to my family. It gave me a sense of responsibility that has served me well. I think the older kids need a reality check and a boot in the fanny, quite honestly. I too, think she should stick with it and tell her selfish family to suck it up.:roll Doing a load of laundry or cooking dinner here and there won't kill anybody and the little kids will adapt as well. I'd rather have a mom who was happy and fulfilled rather than one who wonders what could have been. And as far as the "choosing" to have kids, everyone knows that sometimes, despite any precautions etc, babies come anyway. Some couples are just very prolific. Having kids doesn't mean you're dead and that you should shove your dreams to the side. I mean, we're talking about nursing school-she's not leaving the family to go overseas or anything. How much sacrificing is hubby doing? I would guess very little.

You took the words right out of my mouth! Just because she has kids does not mean she is dead.

Specializes in CCRN, TNCC SRNA.
Actually it's VERY reliable if you follow it 100%, but most people don't follow it that 'religously'! :-)

Melissa

Not if a woman's cycle is irregular

Jolie,

the OP already stated that the Third world stuff would be WAY down the road (I assume when all the children are out of the house), so she would not be leaving young children :)

No, I understand that I DON'T understand. I want to bow down and say "aw sabadaba" to all the mothers going to school. How do you do it? But this is why I am asking. I am an only child, and although my mom has a teaching degree and went back to school to get her paralegal degree when I was about 12, and due to the fact I that DON'T have children I ask....(which is why I posted). I want to defend her because this is the happiest I have ever seen her since her son died of a horrible accident four years ago. I was there when they turned the machines off and I can not describe how I felt and I am sure if felt 1,000 times worse for her. She gets excited when I do have the chance to go by the house, she says stuff like "I got an A on that speech I gave that I was telling you about. She calls and tells me about her Psych teacher that I also had. She use to tell her friends that she was vicariously living out her dreams through me (because I plan on becoming a midwife, something that she use to always want to do) and now that she is working for something for herself (she wants to become an FNP) I can not help but want to support her because I know how hard it was for me to convince my husband to let me go back to school and we do not even have kids. Because I see her smiling again, because she always has "something" to tell me about school and I have something to share in return. Because I watched her cry in front of her family for lack of support saying that she would think that they would be happy that she is doing so well in school. Don't they notice that she is smiling? It makes me want to cry.

I'm sorry. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. I think it is wonderful that she has you to turn to and encourage her and she has been through a lot.

My only real point though was (and still is) is that the practicalities of doing nursing school now may outway the benefits with an unsupportive family. While its wonderful that you are so supportive of her, when she is done with the pre-reqs (which is what I assume from the previous posts she is taking now) things will get much harder in terms of child care, finances, etc. (It costs me significantly more to put my daughter in day care than to go to through my nursing progam.) I am sorry to say this, but the women in my class (with children) who have a supportive family have tended do well, the women from unsupportive families have either dropped out or had their marriages completely fall apart. I'm sure it's not nursing school that makes it fall apart, but rather adding considerable additional stress to an already tenuous situation.

Specializes in OR.

There is a woman who actually wrote a book on the "mommy wars" that is, how women can be very nasty and judgemental with each other when it comes to parenting. You know, "I'm a SAHM and SHE works-how horrible!". Or, "I breast fed for 2 years and she only did it for 3 months!". Everyone makes their own choices and I think it's good for kids to learn that they aren't the center of the universe. Sounds like the guys mentioned in the first post never learned that lesson!

Specializes in Operating Room.

If she wants to do it, then she needs to do it!

As far as no support from the family???? .... All the more reason to do it, and do it good!

Liberation happened a LONGGGGGGGGGGG time ago! Women CAN do what they want!

All three year olds should be feed, washed and in bed by 7:30pm. They need their rest.

After 8pm, PRIME NURSING SCHOOL STUDY TIME! :lol2:

Kids have a nasty habit of growing up and leaving home. What is she gonna do then if she doesn't plan?

I'd rather she go now when the twins are still young, flexible and more likely to forget her being away a bit more than when they are tweens or teens who should be watched like a hawk! :lol2:

Mother-in law should "go ahead on" and get her RN!

Just my :twocents: in this story.

I have made it through a daughters graduation and leaving for the Army, births of 2 grandchildren (almost 3), Mom having cancer, and currently in hospital with ketoacidosis, moving Mom's things to my home, son with hernia surgery, daughter attempting suicide,kids on drugs and alcohol (older one), a tonsillectomy, son going haywire and running away, and me close to failing school and being diagnosed with depression and ADHD. That was just this PAST year!!!

But I have made it to my senior year of my BSN, and will finish.

I have also dealt with this kind of stress when I got my LPN. I did it, and she can too.

I still have 3 children at home who are surviving pretty well.

They all get lovin's and huggin's and all the right Mommy things they can handle. Maybe Mom forgets to sign a paper here or to help with a homework, but we have survived, and her children will too.

I trust anyone that can raise that many children and still be sane. I only have 9 all together and some days wonder howI am still around!

I say GO FOR IT!!!

Wow! So many ways of looking at things!

I can see all sides of this situation....

I have a 6yr old & a 2 yr old, run an in-home daycare, have a husband who works crazy shifts & lots of hours.

I decided to open my daycare when my oldest was 2. I decided to stay home, provide some "stability" to him since our schedules were so crazy.

I can relate to the MIL in OP - I'm sure she does need to do something for herself...That many years of taking care of others (with-out a break) would be hard and trying at times (regardless of how much she loves her kids).

I have decided to take one class at a time, on-line, & it works out great for us! I love having "something" to do...I've told my husband that with daycare and raising kids, there isn't always a "right" or a "wrong" answer...There's alot of "gray" areas....With my school-work - it's rewarding to get my grades and actually "see" the hard work paying off.

My plan is to go into Nursing School when my 2 year old is either in Kindergarten or 1st Grade....My thinking is that I've waited this long to do it...it really won't hurt to take my Pre-Reqs slowly, get the best gpa possible & help get my kids prepared for me to be gone some...

Back to OP - My main thing I see is this: I think I understand that she homeschools...Will she be able to devote the quality time to her kid's schooling along with her schooling?

I believe that there is no PERFECT or RIGHT answer! The MIL just needs to follow her heart & do what she feels is best for herself & her family! If she does continue on with school - she will still be there for her kids...maybe not 24/7, but she will still be involved! I feel that as MOTHER'S - we will question ourselves & have doubts over everything we do....Whether it is working and sending kids to daycare (do they call "x" mommy? would we be better off sacrificing and scrimping to make ends meet so I can be home with the kids?), not working & staying home with them (am I spending too much time with them? how will they do in school without Mommy?) , going to school when they are young (i don't want to miss out on them growing up...I want to see everything they do...do they feel like Mommy is neglecting them?), going to school when they are older (will they ever forgive me for missing their sports games, recitals, field trips? would they be more open and talk more if i wasn't gone so much?)

I'm sure the list can go on & on! Regardless of WHEN you go to school - there will be challenges! While going thru your classes you may wish you'd done it earlier in life, later in life....BUT WHEN IT IS DONE - IT IS DONE!! And more than likely you wouldn't have had it any other way - because you made it through!!

It is not the responsibility of the Older kids to be the PARENT, but I don't believe it's tooo much to ask them to pitch in & help. This won't last forever...and when she gets her schooling completed, hopefully she can find a job where she can earn some $ and still be there with all her kiddo's still at home!

I'm happy she's excited and doing well in her classes!

To the Original Poster - you are being a great DIL & and even better friend to your MIL....I wish you all the best!

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