Prior history of verbal abuse

spearsfm · Mar 21, 2015

I was not but there was a girl in my class who my nursing instructor did not care for and constantly belittled her in class everyday whether she raised her hand to answer a question or even in simulation lab. It got to the point where this student had to seek counseling through one of the grief counselors at my school. Closer to the end of the semester, we were all maintaining passing grades until the final paper came. Everyone got A's on this paper and the girl who was the victim received a grade percentage (not going to say) low enough to actually make her not pass the class. Everyone obviously knew our teacher failed her on purpose whether her paper was acceptable to pass or not I'm not going to say either but my instructor had given prior students who did not receive a good grade a chance to make up this paper but the girl did not have the option. She even went to the DON about the situation but since the instructor and DON were very close friends, the girl did not have any chance of fighting her case. Needless to say she had to pay out of pocket to retake the class, did not advance to the next and final semester of nursing school, and will not be graduating for another 3 months. She even had the same teacher for the same class she failed. I still talk to her and she said her teacher was still victimized her til this day. I don't know how I would handle that.

MrChicagoRN, RN · Mar 21, 2015

Studentnurse,

yes, prior verbal abuse can contribute to how one views themelf.

but remember, the words of the abuser are not reality, and don't need to be your reality. Yes, you would not get into nursing school unless you were qualified, and I doubt you'd have been admitted if they expected you to fail.

Reframe your thinking into that of success. Track your successes, large and small. Don't focus on the occasional small failure. Focus on the big picture.

good Luck.

Surprised1, MSN, RN · Mar 21, 2015

Use it as motivation to succeed. Prove the abuser wrong! You can do this! (I know, because if I could do it, anyone can!) ((hugs))

Sent from my iPhone using allnurses

NurseGirl525, ASN, RN · Mar 21, 2015

What do you mean you were verbally abused? A teacher yelled at you once or was this an ongoing, abusive thing? I find that people now days seem to think getting reprimanded when they were wrong is verbal abuse when it is not.

By the way, I am an actual victim of true psychological abuse. Verbal, emotional, psychological.... So it bothers me when I read people who get yelled at once calling it that. I lived it for 15 years. So if it was, I will be glad to help, but if it wasn't, please don't refer to it as that.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Mar 21, 2015

I had some good counseling around and after leaving an abusive spouse. Made all the difference in the world, and in my LIFE. That's what they're there for. You wouldn't hesitate to see a CHT for a bad hand injury that was hampering your life, or a pro hairdresser to fix those locks. Why on earth would you skip seeing a good counselor to help your feelings get better? Do it.

Now married almost 30 years to a WONDERFUL man who tells me I'm beautiful and smart and accomplished every day...and you know what? After about 8-10 years I got so I believed it wholeheartedly. :)

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Mar 22, 2015

How many nursing students past and present were victims of verbal abuse?

I'm not a victim. Rather, I'm a work in progress. People who view themselves as victims often live their lives as perpetual victims, so tread carefully and do not fall into the victim mentality.

My parents were verbally abusive. My father was crueler than my mother. I was constantly called "stupid," "sorry," "a punk," "ugly," "fat," and so forth. I was called the B-word by my mother. My father would regularly curse and swear at me, telling me that he would "put his foot up my ass" or "wage war on my ass."

I should mention that my father had an on-and-off addiction to drugs during my formative years (ages 5 to 12). He was also a problem drinker from the time I was born until my early adult years. He would sometimes take his rage out on my mother by beating her. Other times he took his rage out on the household furniture by destroying it.

After being told repeatedly that I was stupid and sorry, I began to believe it. The cruel words of my childhood affected my identity as a young adult, so I had a weak sense of self and a lack of confidence. In addition, I displayed the telltale characteristics of an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic).

In my late teens and early 20s I denied myself the opportunity to further myself because the seeds of doubt had been planted in my head. I had been accepted to three universities during my senior year of high school, but my parents discouraged me from attending. After all, I was "stupid" and they felt I wasn't ready for college.

They also discouraged me from joining the military, or from basically doing anything that would remove me from the home. And as an only child with a weak sense of self, I obeyed their wishes. So I entered the low-paying workforce after high school and gave my parents monthly rent. It wasn't until I had left home, moved to a faraway city and started attending psychotherapy that I came to the realization that I was worthy of more than a low-skilled job.

I am not a victim. I am a worthy, smart, capable person. I am a work in progress.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Mar 22, 2015

I was a victim of verbal abuse, and I find myself still struggling with the constant questions and doubts of if I will succeed and am I smart enough.

I am curious as to who verbally abused you. I personally think that parental verbal abuse is worse than cruelty from others (teachers, peers, etc). This is because our self-esteem (or lack thereof) develops in our families of origin, not in the classroom or workplace.

Please tell me how you over come this or does it just take time to stop doubting yourself?

One word = PSYCHOTHERAPY. Your mental blueprint could use some re-wiring if you continually doubt yourself. I did not realize how sick I was because my family of origin gaslighted and downplayed the situation.

Good luck to you!

BSN_TN, BSN · Mar 22, 2015

No it is not school related at all.

fawnmarie, ASN · Mar 22, 2015

I am a survivor of parental verbal and psychological abuse. Nursing school was very challenging for me because I could actually hear my father's voice in my head, and I was tormented by flashbacks of the past. I vividly remember trying to study for exams while also trying to shut out my dad's voice. As a little girl, I was called horrible, obscene names, threatened with violence, whipped with a belt repeatedly, even had an ice cream bar smashed in my face. Prozac helped me tremendously. To this day, I will not tell anyone what names my dad called me. They were awful, atrocious names. My mother would look the other way when he yelled at me. I have forgiven her because I realize she was afraid of him as well. I know how hard it can be to overcome a traumatic past. I wish you well.

NurseGirl525, ASN, RN · Mar 22, 2015

Ok, now that you said it wasn't a teacher I can now tell you my story. I'm sorry just read a lot of posts on here that make me cringe.

I was married for 15 years to a man who told me I was stupid, fat, and ugly. I was lucky to have found him and no one would ever want me because I was so lazy. He controlled everything in my life. I was not allowed to finish my nursing degree as I did not need a job and he controlled all of the money. I had some health issues and they were also my fault. I was depressed and miserable.

I will not go into what snapped me put of it. Part of my health issues were due to the abuse. It killed my immune system and let numerous dangerous infections into my body. Several doctors can attest to it. I picked myself up and filed for divorce and signed back up for school in the same week in the fall of 2013.

Fast forward to spring 2015, I am in my second semester of nursing school, divorced, and flourishing. My boyfriend is wonderful and supportive and I am getting there. I still have some insecurities, but do better each day. I take life one day at a time.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Mar 22, 2015

I am so sorry to hear about the painful personal experiences of people who have been verbally abused.

Parental verbal abuse (and spousal verbal abuse) is inflicted out of a need to control the child (or the spouse). It is also inflicted to exert a false sense of superiority over the victim(s) and/or deflect attention away from the abuser's personal inadequacies, losses and failures in life.

People who verbally abuse others are often continuing an inherited cycle of abuse, since they experienced it during their growing-up years.

Now that I am a grown woman I realize that my parents were emotionally wounded, and probably didn't realize that they have wounds on the psyche. My father was abandoned by his biological father at age five, abused by a stepfather, grew up in urban poverty, and had a mother who chose an abusive man over her children.