Not fitting in

[onehusbandsevenkids]

Well, I've been in school for two weeks now.

I'm having a hard time being social and making any kind of

friendship.

Part of the problem is that it seems that most everyone already knew each other from being in previous pre-req classes and when I look around at the class you can clearly see that all of the "groups" have formed.

Its hard to butt into a group. Whenever we have to pick partners, ect....I'm always the oddball left out without a partner. Its humiliating after a while. Takes me back to the days when I was always to last person to be picked for a team in gym class -and then I wasnt picked, they got stuck with me by default.

But my biggest problem is that I was born with a facial birth defect and people just seem to steer clear of me before they even try to get to know me.

I admit that I am shy at first, but once I know a person I'm not shy at all....I think I have a pretty good personality, kind, funny, helpful, caring, ect....

Growing up school was H*LL for me, I was teased and bullied throughout all of my school years. I'm 34 yo and you'd think I would have outgrown this fear and intimidation but I haven't.

Then there are the young and beautiful "mean girls." Guess which group I have labs with....them. Today we have to do head to toe assessments and I am scared to death. First, once again I'll have no partner and then during the assessments I'm going to be feeling like the class freak.

My birth defect can mostly be hid by my hair (mostly on the side of my face) but I do have a deep scar on the side of my mouth. My teeth are pretty crooked too. My right ear had to be rebuilt so its not "normal" and there are scars all near it. The right side of my face is not symmetrical to the left side.

Some people notice right off the bat and it take some people a while to realize that I'm not normal.

(jeeze....that all sounds really bad!)

Anyhow, I can hide most of this with keeping my hair down and its kind of curly and covers most of the side of my face.

But it will all be "discovered" today in lab and I'm *really* not looking forward to the reactions and being stared at and whispered about for the next week or so.

Its enough to make me want to throw in the towel, but I'm stubborn and have wanted to be a nurse since I was a young child so I'm sure I'll perservere, but its all totally humiliating.

I think I feel worse because I'm with this group of people for the next 18 months and I just would really like to fit in a bit. Most of the time I can stand and even like being a loner and keeping to myself, but sometimes its hard to take when I look around and everyone is buddies with everyone and going to lunch together & making plans to study and all that.....

I'm have a hard time approaching any classmate and breaking the ice to get a conversation started. Any tips?

When people get to know me they generally really like me, but its very hard to get people to accept me and get to the point of knowing me.

I don't know why I am so darned intimidated by my nursing class. I generally dont have this big of a problem with all of this stuff. People do tend to stare at my scars, ect when talking to me (much like a person would stare at or "talk to" a large breasted woman's chest instead of focusing on her and what she's saying) and that totally unerves me for some reason and I immediately lose all confidence. Why do people do this? Even instructors. Can't anyone be discreet if they must stare?

I didn't get any sleep last night because I'm so darned nervous about lab today. Guess I'll just grin and bear it like I've always done.

I'm frustrated that I'm a grown woman and these things still bother me so much. Kind of pathetic, but its hard to be the class freak! :imbar

Thanks for letting me vent, this is gonna be a difficult day.......

[Marie_LPN, RN, LPN, RN]

You're not the class freak, or a freak at all for that matter.

If anything, because of your life experieces, you are MUCH more insightful, and will make a great nurse as a result.

[Marie_LPN, RN, LPN, RN]

And what's pathetic is the classmates and instructors that are staring.

But i do have an idea, and maybe it'll help. If you have to do a class presentation on disorders, birth defects, or something related to it, get up there and talk about what happened to you. Talk about the facts, what happened, what needed done, then talk about the personal side of this, what you go through socially and emotionally. Not only will you be educating your classmates on this, but you'll be venting your feelings, and maybe this would make them think twice before they do such again, in their personal lives, or in the nursing profession.

[Curious1alwys, BSN, RN]

:icon_hug: Oh man, I am SOOOO sorry. What additional stress to deal with when you are just starting school. You care because everyone wants to fit in. Isn't it funny how NS has the ability to make you feel like you were teleported back to ninth grade. It can be very "cliquey".

Odds are though, once you get into the "hands on" (like assessment) where people are FORCED to talk with you, they will lighten up. If you have a cool personality that should come shining through and they should see you for who you really are. Maybe not the "young, beautiful" (and may I add immature, ones) ones but most.

Good Luck to you. Hold your head high and be proud. If they can't see past your facial deformity it is they that should be pittied. Let us know how it goes!!

[pastRDtofutureRN]

Very good advice from Marie. Try not to be shy or nervous about just going up to someone, introducing yourself and start talking ..... remember to smile a lot.:) :) I would think most people would respond positively. Hang in there.

Hugs to you.

[shellibean]

I am an older student with no medical background. I have joined the ranks of a nursing student after terminating my career as a retail manager. I will tell you that I was just browsing this website and yours was the first posting that I saw.

I am appauled that people are treating you this way. I will tell you that I too had a difficult time as a student due to my age. I am old enough to be these folks mother's. I will tell you that people are so cruel and there is no excuse for that behavior. I believe that vanity has taken over our society and that is not the way to live. We have a girl in our class and she also has scars from a birth defect, she managed to tell her story on one of the first days of class. People did treat her differently at first, but she uses humor to get through it all.

If you look around your class room there are defects in all of those who sit in that room. I feel ashamed for the people who a treating you bad, you have to understand that it is the insecurities of those who are shunning you that will not let them be kind. Would you want them to be your friends anyway?? My advice to you is to be yourself. Walk up to them and talk to them sweety, do not be ashamed of who you are. I am certain that you are a wonderful person who has so much to give to others or you would not be in this field.

I feel that those who do not show compassion now will not succeed in the future. It is those who are not in this for the money or recognition that will make the best nurses.

Hold your head up and feel empathy for those around you.

PS I was never picked for any of the teams in school either. I was always the fat girl with bucked teeth and no one wanted me. I changed my self a few years ago, I finally decided to lose weight and prove to myself that I had the power in my heart to do this for me. no one else.

I know how you feel sweety do not let the actions of others break your spirit.

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

I'm sorry that school is bringing up old fears and memories. I know the feeling of being the outcast and the last chosen in gym class too. Growing up was a daily hell for me too. You think you're over it, but it still comes up sometimes doesn't it?

Remember you are in nursing school for a goal, to become a nurse. Their opinion of you is none of your business. You just have to be the strong professional one, even if you have to go it alone. Walk past your anxieties, pull your hair back with the pride of knowing you've been through a lot, you're a strong person, and this you're one day further to realizing a goal. Each experience you live through will make it better for the next one.

Remember first and foremost you have a husband and seven kids that would die for you. Who cares what a few silly nursing students think?

Best wishes.

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

And what's pathetic is the classmates and instructors that are staring.

But i do have an idea, and maybe it'll help. If you have to do a class presentation on disorders, birth defects, or something related to it, get up there and talk about what happened to you. Talk about the facts, what happened, what needed done, then talk about the personal side of this, what you go through socially and emotionally. Not only will you be educating your classmates on this, but you'll be venting your feelings, and maybe this would make them think twice before they do such again, in their personal lives, or in the nursing profession.

That's a great idea Marie.

[colleennurse, ASN, RN]

I am so sorry people are treating you this way. It took me a while to make some friends at school too. I can't understand why people have to be mean because someone might be a little different. My goodness, these people are in nursing school and they are going to be dealing with all sorts of people! I know that when I have met someone with a defect, I have to admit I have caught myself looking, usually I am just curious as to what happened. Once they tell me and I get to know them, I don't even notice it anymore. My neice was born with a cleft lip/palate and to be honest after seeing it the 1st time, I didnt notice it anymore. It looked more strange to me after it was corrected! If you are comfortable enough doing this, maybe next time you see someone looking, just tell them what happened to you? I think that because you have experienced some of these things, it will benefit you as a nurse, you will have compassion and understanding for your patients that may be experiencing something similar. Good luck, I am sure you will make some friends! You sound like a very sweet person :)

[HappyJaxRN]

Hi there. NS was hard for me too. I had a hard time in high school also. I was very intimidated and shy at first also (in both places). It takes me a lot longer to make friends with someone and I don't tend to bond with someone right off the bat. I don't inititate conversations because I feel fear as to what to say to be accepted. I guess that's what being shy is. As you go through NS, it WILL get better. People that felt like me, flocked to me. I made some really good friends, but like I said, it wasn't right off the bat. It'll happen. Like someone else said, focus on your kids to be your inspiration and hold your head high. Someone else said that NS is like being teleported back to 9th grade...:chuckle SO TRUE! It'll get better!

[Brotherbob, BSN, RN]

Mean nurses and nursing students with that attitude are a shame to the profession.

You will be a wonderful nurse, and you will realize that your life experience and this birth defect can open doors with patients that perfect skin, smooth teeth and attitude can't. Keep your head high.

[carolinapooh, BSN, RN]

THAT'S AWFUL!!! I'm so sorry you're going through this. You could have lunch with me; I would be proud to have a friend with a heart like yours.

I think Marie LPN has a great idea. You can do it!

I'm just a pre-nursing student, but I think you will make a FABULOUS nurse. Please hang in there and let us know how you get on during the semester.