Not fitting in

missninaRN · Jan 20, 2006

What a shame that you are going to school with so many who have character defects.

I would gladly be your partner.

And ditto what Marie suggested.

gr8rnpjt, RN · Jan 20, 2006

I am going to play devils advocate and suggest that maybe the other students are not so rude and maybe they want to break the ice also. What I remember from nursing school was that we were all thirsty for the knowlege that would change our perspectives and our peronalities and make us all nurses. We literally ran to new experiences and were like sponges soaking in all the new information. I don't think they are all your enemies. maybe a few are "mean girls" so to speak, but I am sure you will find a lot more that are accomodating and will want to learn about you and what makes you "different". If I were you I would take every opportunity to talk about all your kids, every nurse likes to hear about each others children, and you seem to have a lot! That will make you less "different" as I am sure there are others who have children, or even neices and nephews. and once the conversation moves over to children, well with all those kids, I am sure you will seem like an expert! Give them all a chance, and remember, it is not what is on the outside that counts, it is the inside of you that people want to know about, and once you find your "compadres", you will fit in just fine!

allthingsbright · Jan 21, 2006

Hi!

Well, all of us are different. I for one am overweight-yeah, not a permanent problem if I chose, but it does kinda hinder me in the social area. I am about 50 lbs overweight and it seems all the chicks in school were kinda tiny and cute-LOL! I'm also older than a lot of the students and I cant do anything about that.

Anyway, this is what I do to get involved:

-Be friendly and helpful to those around you-offer notes to people who have come in late, missed whatever. If you see someone who need shelp, offer yours.

-Run for office. I was Class Rep and LOVED it because I got to know lots of people and all teh profs.

-Start up a study group-heck host the thing at your house and treat people like royalty! I always had people over studying-theyd bring snacks, we'd laugh, chat and gets lots done.

If you want friends-cohorts-you need to put yourself OUT there! YOu can do it...good luck!

genhen · Jan 21, 2006

You make me think about a verse I heard.

"You worry about the outside of the cup while the inside of the cup is dirty".

This is a paraphrased Bible verse by Jesus. While I don't want to bring religion into this forum. I think the verse is telling. Most people worry about how they look and how will others perceive them. To a degree, there is nothing wrong with this. To become totally dependent on the "outside" is shallow and lacks substance.

From what I read, you are intelligent, articulate, and caring. I have found that if I tend to not worry about others and just be myself that it is much easier. There is less energy expended in worrying and also good people will seek you out. You show that you are human with faults. Your fellow students are human also.

You may have some physical appearance differences but I see someone who is clean on the inside and beautiful. Kick down the door and be yourself.

Peace

Genhen

2nd Semester Student

Daytonite, BSN, RN · Jan 21, 2006

Part of our journey through life is about learning to face our fears and conquer them. There are two things you can do. Stand there and let life walk all over you, or take the bull by the horns and start walking through your life on your own terms.

I understand that you are just burning inside to get involved in activities with other students. However, you have a lifetime behavior of remaining quiet and standing in the background to overcome. It's scary at first, but you have to find the courage to speak up and involve yourself in conversations with other students. Practice what you are going to say at first to get involved in a conversation. You will, perhaps, be inept and clumsy at first. Your heart will pound, you may blush, but you have to find the courage to take those first steps. Making friends of strangers is a skill you have not practiced over the years because you let your fear of rejection consume you. It's time to start letting go of the fear. What's the worst that can happen? Oops, you already have answered that question, haven't you? The idea of being laughed at, pointed at, or talked about behind your back just burns in your mind 24 hours a day. I promise, the more you come forward and start talking with people, the better you will get at it, the more confidence you will develop that people (especially other nurses) are not going to make fun of you, and your self-esteem will improve. The higher your self-esteem gets, the less relevant other people's opinions of your physical appearance are as you realize that any problem they have with your appearance is their problem, not yours. After all, you've already learned to live with your appearance, they haven't. They're the ones with the real handicap, not you. You have been provided with a wonderful forum (I'm talking about your nursing classes) to help yourself conquer some of these fears of yours. Use this to help you come out of your shell so you can show the world who you really are, which is what this is all about anyway, isn't it? I've just saved you a ton of money on counseling. What you do with this is up to you.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Jan 21, 2006

I never quite fit in with my classmates and it didn't bother me one bit. I am definitely not a social butterfly, so forming bonds with my classmates was never really a priority for me.

Several of my instructors found it disturbing that I didn't socialize with the students in my age group, though they failed to understand I had nothing in common with them. The other young adults in the classroom were mean-spirited, immature, and were all being financially supported by their parents. These classmates never really had any humbling life experiences to bring to the table. All they brought to the table was gossip.

In order to survive nursing school, you're going to need to get rid of the insecurities. If other people can sense that you're feeling uncomfortable or insecure, they'll feed off it as if you're their prey.

smilin_gp · Jan 21, 2006

Wow, it seems like your post is bringing up a lot of honest empathy, and that many of us on the forum are feeling this way.

I'll just add a little here. I, like you, have had experiences with being noticed for what is wrong with my face, rather than what is right for it (I have pretty significant strabismis and nerve damage to my right eyelids and eye from attempts at corrective surgery). I was teased about this daily growing up. I eventually found a group of friends in high school, kept em through the first round of college, etc. When I started nursing school, I knew no one, and it was just like middle school all over again, where I thought that my eye was what all ppl noticed. Since starting, I have slowly opened up to my classmates and now feel like I fit in more. I have heard from other people that they are surprised that I am interested in socializing with them, because when we started I was so "quiet and didn't seem interested in making friends". I really have had to think about why the group would think that of me. I think that childhood history can leave people "gun shy" in stressful social situations, where rather than risk being teased about the sensitive issue of disfigurement, we unconsciously become very quiet and tentative in defense. I don't know if this would apply to you or not, I don't want to imply that I know the specifics of your situation, but even though other students may be outgoing with you at first, maybe they will be as school progresses and you are given more chance to show your personality.

Best wishes to you, congratulations on everything that you have achieved and are going to achieve, and peace :)

WDWpixieRN, RN · Jan 21, 2006

I have heard from other people that they are surprised that I am interested in socializing with them, because when we started I was so "quiet and didn't seem interested in making friends". I really have had to think about why the group would think that of me. I think that childhood history can leave people "gun shy" in stressful social situations, where rather than risk being teased about the sensitive issue of disfigurement, we unconsciously become very quiet and tentative in defense. I don't know if this would apply to you or not,

This was one thought that crossed my mind....I don't know how many students are in your class, but I tend to pretty much keep to myself (an old habit -- this "shyness") and I don't have any physical reasons (well, except for old and overweight :chuckle), but when I was 20 I was working as a dispatcher for a large sheriff's department. After I had been there about a year, one of the girls told me she thought I was a real snob when I first started working there because I was so quiet!! I almost died!! I had never thought of someone interpreting my shyness for snobiness! I now try much harder, but I am still slow on the uptake when faced with a roomfull of strangers!

Sometimes we just have to throw ourselves out there and hope for the best...you WILL get through school and I also think you will make a marvelous, compassionate nurse....my God, if these "mean girls" have nothing better to do in the following week than talk about you, how the heck will they ever have time to nurse patients when they're in a hospital setting?!?!

I will (hopefully) be in your situation next fall where I will most likely start a program with a big group of people who have taken numerous classes together....that's okay....2 years will be a long enough time to get to know them....ugh!

Hang in there....a woman who can deal with a husband and 7 kids (seriously?!?!) should find school a piece of cake!! You're going to have your hands full as it is! Best wishes!

nursemelani · Jan 22, 2006

I agree with what another poster said, that your childhood experiences will make you a better, more empathetic nurse. I was teased in school too, so now that I am well into my 30s, I make a concious effort to be friendly to anyone who is "different". Of course I also seek out women in my classes who are over 30, since we have more in common.

If you notice people staring, it is probably not intentional meanness, but curiosity. There was a guy in my speech class last semester who had really severe facial scarring. He looked like he had some trauma, like a car accident or gunshot wound, and I always hoped that he would use one of his speeches to explain what happened to him, but he never did.

I was really curious, but thought it would be rude to ask.

HplessRmntic06 · Jan 22, 2006

hi, im so sorry for what you are dealing with right now. starting school is never fun and having to make new friends and try to gel with new people can sometimes be a difficult time. when i started nursing school back in sept., i had to start over. i didn't know really anyone..maybe 2 or 3 people i knew from school but never associated with. but as time progressed, i was able to get over it, and just made small talk with people and conversation soon started to build up like.."wow, that was some test! how'd you think you did?" and just went from there. i can't believe the people in your class are acting the way they are. if they act towards this way towards a fellow student, i hate to see how'd they act towards a patient,for compassion and friendliness play a big part in nursing. when times get overwhelming,remember you have a family that loves you no matter what. i pray that things will get better for you and please let us know how things progress! :)

sisterfaye · Jan 22, 2006

Two weeks is not long. It takes us a while to adjust to new surroundings, especially when we dont know anyone. And at the same time, trying to absorb a heap of new information while reorganising your life.

I went to uni as a mature age student and found it very hard to fit in with younger people who had no kids etc.

You mention a breastfeeding woman in your post - I was one such woman as my youngest was 4 months old when I started uni. I dread to think how many times people stared at by BIG breasts as they spoke to me, at my extra little insulated bag I carried with me for the milk I expressed every lunchtime and at the little one himself as I carried him into a lecture hall on my hip when I had no babysitter. I felt like a leper!

But over time I found my place just like you will. We all bring with us our insecurities but some are better than others at hiding them. Good luck!

DaFreak71 · Jan 22, 2006

Hang in there sweetie! New situations are always a bit frightening, but it won't stay new forever. The cliques that tend to form in the beginning aren't permanent, everyone's sorta glomming onto whoever "seems" cool at the moment, but cliques will change and as they do, you'll find your place. It takes time to get to know people and as long as you are doing your part by making the first overture, odds are you'll find several people to call friends. It's awfully hard to resist a genuinely kind and caring person...defect or no defect.

If I were in your class, I'd pick you first as my labmate :icon_hug:

Adri