It hasn't even been a week yet and my husband is already starting

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Yep, that's right...it's that time again. Back to school, back to studying, back to putting everything else on hold, back to fighting with my husband.

I don't know why it is, but every time he does this to me. I don't do enough or something. He expects me to do everything.

Okay, last night I had a class (which I really regret taking now, and wish I would have taken something else, but every class is full, so I am stuck with it:o ), my class went from 4-7 pm. My husband picked up 2 of the 3 kids, and made dinner. I came home, and all the dirty dishes were still on the counter. A couple months ago we started having the oldest two, ages 9 and 6 help out with doing the dishes...it (sort of) takes a little bit of the work, and in that way everyone can contribute. Anyway, he had them take their showers, but didn't have them do the dishes or clean their room (which is a mess).

Well, this morning I get up, get the girls up, and then sit down at my desk (which is temporarily in the LR). He then tells me that he needs his marijuana (I do apologize, my husband is addicted to marijuana...I don't agree with it at all, and it is ONE of the huge issues we do not get along with. I personally can't stand the stuff...won't do it because it freaks me out), because living in our house is such hell. I told him there was no one forcing him to stay her. He told me I was right, then said that he would probably come home after work and the house would still be a mess because I don't do anything. School is the only thing that is important to me. Then, he gets this real sarcastic, condescending tone to his voice and says, "Oh wait...I forgot, you have a 45 minute class today, so you shouldn't have to do anything else. It's okay."

Well, there is lots of history here, too. He has this job that he has to drive about 1 1/2 hours most days to work. BUT, he is almost always home by 3 pm, many days he gets home by 12:30. Okay, so 3 hours of driving every day isn't fun, and physical labor (sometimes, not all days) also isn't fun. It also isn't fun being the "only" one who brings in any money (Please remember, the $5000 that I bring in each semester from FA doesn't count). So, there is a lot of stress...and he doesn't want to do anything else.

Maybe we are both to blame, but I don't think he understands what exactly is involved in the nursing program. He just sees that I get it done, and I get A's so therefore it isn't that bad, and I shouldn't stress. Remember, I only have a 45 minute skills testing for today that I need to study numerous times in order to have it memorized. I have an abstract on a journal article due Friday, plus a report to hand in on clinical due the same day. I have a case study that needs to get started, a speech that I need to start researching, a paper to do in an elective course, (am I forgeting something?), and about 400 pages to read. Therefore, I should have the time every day to cook, clean, take care of the kids (get them up, dressed, fed, to school and home again, homework done), do laundry, clean the LR, BR and do my school work plus go to class and clinical.

Alright, I don't know where I am going with this. He told me this morning that without him I'd be screwed and I wouldn't be able to go to school and I would lose everything. He does that to me every time. Every semester he makes my life difficult. I get so stressed, because I hate the thought that if I dont' do everything, then he'll come home and yell at me, and we'll fight again.

I'm sorry this is so long, guys...I usually end up being very wordy. I must go now, I have to study my skills and still take a shower and go to the store, then get to skills testing at 1pm. I don't know how I am going to make it through this semester and the next 4 after...:o

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Good luck on your test.

I hope things can be figured out with your husband, but that's something only you can do. I would never put up with it, but that's me.

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OMG, I could have written this post almost... sounds just like my husband (only his recovering addiction is to alcohol, not mj). I'm constantly barraged with comments that I don't do enough, or that I don't have a "real job" since I don't do physical labor, or that I should just quit school if I can't handle everything. He also commutes 2-3 hours/one way on the days he works and is always asking me for money for something or another... Excuse me, this is his home and his kids too, so he needs to step up and accept some responsibility. I'm not superwoman.

Of course, we're separated now (for the second time, the first time I put him out and told him to quit drinking or else) - he decided that his own selfish BS was more important than his kids, go figure.

Anyway, all that to say - Lola, you don't deserve to be treated like that.... how long have you been married? Would he go to counseling with you?

It's not really my place to say, but I would NOT put up with the drug use (I don't really believe mj is much, if any, worse than alcohol - but it IS illegal, so there's the difference in my mind) or the verbal abuse....

Big hugs to you... hope things get better around there soon. Goodness knows that school is stressful enough without having to come home to that! :o

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Thank you, Manna, for your encouragement. I knew there were others out there who understood :) .

We've been married 4.5 years now. He's always had this problem. A couple of times he has quit, but always goes back. He says it's the only way he can handle things. The fact that it is illegal is also another one of the reasons I don't agree with him doing it. That, and there are weeks where he will spend $60-80 or more. You know, we don't have much money at all, and then he spends it on that. And you can be sure he does it BEFORE any of the bills are paid or food is bought. I know it's my own fault for letting it continue. There is more to my history as to why I do (that being one divorce already, the children...etc.)

I have tried to get him to go with me to counseling before, but he doesn't think that WE have a problem. He's never said I have the problem or anything, he just doesn't think our marraige is THAT bad. Maybe I should go see the school mental health counselor?

Yeah, here I sit stressing instead of studying...

Anyway, glad to know you can relate, too, Manna! At least we can get it off our chest, huh?

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Big hugs to you. I personally could not and would not live like that. Neither would I subject my children to it.

BTW, I go to school with LOTS of single mothers who are making it just fine with grants and work contracts. Might want to speak to your school counselor.

I used to think that my two oldest children (they're grown now) needed to be with BOTH parents, so I tried to make it work for them. Finally couldn't take it anymore after several years and left. Years later my daughter told me that us getting divorced was the best thing we ever did, because THEN they were able to live in a peaceful, happy home with no fighting.

One more word of "wisdom" and then I'll shut up...Dirty dishes in the sink and messy bedrooms are not worth stressing about. There's no rule that says that they have to be clean all the time and right on time. Clean it later; it will still be there. But your kids are only little for a very brief time; try playing a game with them, helping them with their homework, read a book together, etc. after dinner instead. These little things build happy memories for your kids that will last a lifetime. And it will make them feel like they are worth your time and attention.

I hope things work out well for you and your children. :kiss

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Specializes in Adult Med-Surg, Rehab, and Ambulatory Care.

*hugs* to you

I have no advice for you (well I do, but I'll keep my mouth shut LOL) but I wanted to respond to this post and let you know that you always have a friend or 2 or 20 here to vent on.

You know in your head what's right and what's not. Take care of your children, take care of you. Good luck on your test!

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Thank you Maire and peggysue. Peggysue, you are right...which is the reason why it gets so messy around here during the semester! And I think your words of wisdom about doing things with my kids is right on...I will try to remember that! Even though it is busy, they will not be this little ever again...:o

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Here is a letter from a nurse you might want to share with your husband.

Dear Hubby,

Sure I will pay the $350 gas bill that came in the mail today. Boy it is steep but we knew it would be. And yes I paid the phone and electric bill. No worries. I am going out to get groceries today. Want anything?

You know I have had a rough week at work. Let's go out to eat tonight. I am thinking of buying a dishwasher. What do you think? I know we need to be careful with money, but since I am working overtime this week we should be good. We are not rich by any means but isn't it nice that my paycheck helps with the bills and we can go out to eat once in awhile?

Remember when I was in nursing school and we thought it would never end? I am glad we got through that. At least we have enough money to get by in this tough economy. I am glad we made it through.

Love,

Your wife

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I >had He was verbally abusive, had a major problem with alcohol, and also said I didn't do enough. Apparently, because I "only worked part time" I had to do all the housework, and care for our then 2 year old daughter.

Then, on the best nights, he would get all kinds of resentful, and tell me that I couldn't go to school. Wanna know why? Because it meant I thought I was better than him, and smarter than him (I am, but thats beside the point). This fool actually found an online IQ test, and had me take it so he could "prove he was smarter than me". Yeah, that didn't work out so much in his favor.

:rolleyes:

So, now a year anld a half later... I'm still working on pre reqs (going part time untill my little girl starts school), but I'm so much happier, and relaxed, even though money is a LOT tighter. (yeah for financial aid!)

Anyhoo.. just know that you're not alone, and if you do decide to get out there are lots of resources available to you. Plus, a bunch of us here who are here to listen.

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I would still work on getting your husband to agree to counseling with you. From what I sense from your post, he sounds resentful and jealous about you going to school and working toward a better future. He's stuck driving long distances to do physical labor when he gets there. His drug addiction is only muddling the whole situation. He probably will continue to deny the problem for awhile, that's classic for any victim of an addiction. That's a good idea you have about talking to a counselor at school, perhaps they have some suggestions and can lead you to some agencies in your area who can help you. Getting him to admit there is a problem is the first major step. I know it's hard not to get into heated discussions sometimes, but maybe things like thanking him for doing what he did do to help around the house while you're out, and not focusing on the things that he didn't do, would avoid an argument. Letting him know that you care about him and your relationship and that you want to help him might turn things in a different direction. Best of luck with everything.

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Specializes in Telemetry, Case Management.

Been there done that. He sounds just like my ex. Once I got out of school and was making money he decided that all his paycheck could go for his pot and whiskey, and I could pay all the bills. One of the reasons he's my ex.

Do what you need to, but you wouldn't be much worse off by yourself, sugar. Think about him and what he does to you, and what does he actually do that's good for you and the kids.

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Specializes in Trauma ICU, MICU/SICU.

First let me say, I'm so sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

However, I'm going to first be devil's advocate here. If your husband has a physical job and travels 3 hours r/t to work every day. Where do you expect him to find the energy to do additional work around the house? I'd be exhausted. Couple this with addiction and you're looking at little or no support from him. That is just reality.

That being said, is your husband making mega-millions to justify such a long commute?

As for the pot, he needs to get help. Addiction is very tough though. No one can make someone get clean. Bottom needs to be hit and everyone's bottom is different. I know from experience. My bottom was 83 pounds and pneumonia. Well, that was my physical bottom. I used some more after getting well. It was six months later that I experienced my true spiritual bottom. It was a dark and scary place where I was totally alone.

Hope you find some help to get you through from a source that's never even occurred to you. I"ll say a prayer for you tonight.

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