Would you have a child because you thought you would regret it later on if you didn't - page 2

I mean, what if I don't and I'm old and I can't do anything about it??... Read More

  1. by   dolphinRN
    There is a lot of time, and the person you are at 20 is not the person you are at 30 or even 40. and the older you are, I just think you enjoy the whole experience more. Even the Wal-Mart tantrums! [/quote]

    I wholeheartedly agree with enjoying the experience more. I have teenagers from a previous marriage and 22 month old twins from my current one. I do know that I take the time now that I didn't with the older ones to just sit and watch them, truly enjoy them.

    I had a tubal after my second one was born because I knew I didn't want anymore kids with my then husband. I was the primary breadwinner and also did most of the work at home, including the parenting. He was just like an older kid.

    When I divorced, I honestly hadn't thought about having more kids. However, the right guy came along, we did IVF, and wound up with the twins. I wouldn't give them up for the world. Would I have done this had I married someone else? I honestly don't know. But hubby is VERY active in the lives of ALL of my kids and I don't regret it, even when people make comments of how crazy I was to start all over again. It's my family, my choice, and just because you wouldn't do it, don't pass judgement, right?
  2. by   student4ever
    For the women who decide not to become mothers, I salute you. I think it is a brave woman in this world who has to deal with a lot of harsh criticism when you say you don't have or don't want to have children.
    Thank you thank you thank you, from the bottom of my heart for saying this! I am 23, and my fiance and I have decided not to have children, for many reasons. I have had people call me selfish, immature, greedy, inhuman, the whole list - to my face - for this decision. And everyone tells me that I will change my mind. They're so certain of it. And in all honestly, I won't rule it out completely... but at this moment in time, and for the past three years, I cannot imagine ever WANTING kids. I can enjoy a kid or two every once in a while, like as in cousins, neices, nephews, etc. I just don't want one of my own! People have told me it's my "duty as a woman" to have kids, that I'm "selfish" for wanting a life that doesn't include cartoons, babytalk conversations, and a total fixation on someone other than myself and my husband - to - be.

    But the way I look at it, I have no desire for children, why should I bring another child into this world that's harsh enough as it is, simply to be only partly satisfied with my own life. How can I raise a child to believe that the world is a great place to live, when I feel like they should have never come into it? How can I tell my kid that people are good, when I don't believe the majority of them are? Most of my viewpoints on life, if taught to a child, would probably get child welfare called on me. I'm a very brutally honest person... I could never tell the half truths you have to tell kids in order to keep from scaring the heebie jeebies out of them.

    I would never have a child just because I MIGHT regret it later... if I want kids later, I will adopt a kid... there are too many children living in poverty, in orphanages, whatever to bring another one into the world on the off chance you might want one later. Believe me, even if you later can't have children and want one, there are plenty who need good homes. Even if I could naturally conceive, I would probably adopt if I decided to have kids. I can't stand the thought of being pregnant.
  3. by   smack050505
    The more I think about it, the more I see that I try to talk myself into it a lot. My best friend is expecting right now and it is so exciting for her. It's exciting to me too. Most of the times that I think I want one is when someone is pregnant and I get baby fever. I also like the idea of making memories with my children. Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, etc are so much more fun when there are kids around. Then there's the thought of grandkids... BUT, the stress factor that comes with having children freaks me out too. Especially the financial aspects. I do have a six year old stepson whom I adore. It's not like I'm not making memories with him now and he'll give me grandkids I suppose. We get along wonderfully.
  4. by   tlhubbard
    My children are both half grown now, and I still have a tendency to get "baby fever". Most of my cousins are younger than me and just starting their families now. Don't give into the baby fever, like with any fever you can get a little delirious.

    When the idea of your own pregnancy gives you baby fever, when the idea of a baby getting up every several hours seems like it wouldn't be so bad after all. That's when you should consider it for yourself.

    Kids are a blessing, however, if you do wait "too long", there is the beautiful option of adopting. You can make a difference in a little life that needs you.
    But don't judge your own timeline by your friends'.

    Best of luck to you.
  5. by   TweetiePieRN
    Quote from KAW1962
    I wanted to have kids when I was younger but couldn't...now I'm glad I don't. Call me selfish, but I enjoy the freedom from not having all those responsiblilites that I see my counterparts deal with. If you want kids, make sure it's for the right reasons. I've had many elderly female patients complain that they gave up and sacrificed so much for their children, and now their children won't take care of them. I always ask them if that's why they had kids--to have someone take care of them when they're older? I have yet to hear any of my elderly, childless patients express regret for not having any kids. So, my advice to you would be that until you are ready to have kids for all the right reasons, stick with a cat. Much easier to take care of and they won't throw a tantrum in the aisles of WalMart!
    I just had my first child in July of this year. I think that people who are childless probably don't regret not having children....because they have no idea what they are missing. There is nothing comparable to that feeling you have towards your baby (ok maybe things will change when he gets older ). Before I had him I wasn't sure if I wanted kids at all. It was all about me and my husband. The idea of having a baby was kind of a turn-off to me sometimes.

    But, after I graduated nursing school, started my career, bought a house, and after being married 3 years...we finally felt the big urge to start our family. I'm not a super-young mom at 26, but I guess a good age. I got to live and travel and do all my selfish own stuff. Even with the baby here, I can still get some "me" time. I'm married, so daddy can take over when I need that time.

    Now that the baby is here, I honestly, can't imagine not having him in my life. He has brightened our lives 1,000,000,000x! It's almost like your "forget" your old life and crave to live the new life with child. Yes, it is VERY HARD work! They do cost money, but the rewards of seeing that little guy smile/giggle/coo at me when he wakes up and everytime we meet eyes, the joy of feeding him and having him curl his sweet little fingers around my hand, the warmth of his little body, the smell of him...everything about him...OK, I'm getting a little emotional over here!

    Bottom line, I guess, is that no I don't think having a baby because you will regret it later is a good thing. Have babies when you are ready. Emotionally,etc. I didn't have a baby to ensure someone will take care of me either. That's a pretty tall order to demand on anyone. I would sure hope though, that by raising my son to be a caring, respectable, loving person that he would want to help his old parents when the time comes, but of course, I'm not relying on this

    Funny thing too....I want more kids~!
  6. by   TweetiePieRN
    Quote from gr8rnpjt
    Very good question and a thought provoking thread!
    My daughter and I were just discussing this last night. She recently gave birth to my first grandchild, it was kind of a surprise, but she knew she wanted a child and had been thinking that whatever had happened in her life, she would somehow have managed to have one. Luckily, this baby came with a Daddy, so all is well. But she said she would have just as well become a single mom. Her husband is going to Iraq in January, and she is very glad to have a piece of him here with her to manage the upcoming months. I pray that he comes home, as I know how difficult it is to be a single Mom.

    But don't think that you have to rush into anything where children are concerned. I have 4. I had my first at 23, my second at 25, my third at 35, and my fourth (my baby) at 45 years of age. So It ain't over till its over, so to speak, and there may be another one yet, but I highly doubt it. But I look at them all as gifts from God and I am humbled to be called a mother. My son is 3, and I was so happy to be able to experience this all over again. Including the tantrums at Wal-Mart, which I actually experienced a couple of months ago!

    For the women who decide not to become mothers, I salute you. I think it is a brave woman in this world who has to deal with a lot of harsh criticism when you say you don't have or don't want to have children.

    I agree also that a 2 person parenting team is the best, because you don't want to be the bad guy all the time.

    But unless you are 50, OP, don't rush into anything. There is a lot of time, and the person you are at 20 is not the person you are at 30 or even 40. and the older you are, I just think you enjoy the whole experience more. Even the Wal-Mart tantrums!
    I loved your post! Got me steamy eyed! I love being a mother...more than I ever imagined!
  7. by   bluesky
    You know I kept my child because I had been previously told that I probably couldn't have children... I felt that it was a blessing and perhaps the one opportunity I had to be a parent. I am not going to say I regret having had my beautiful son (who is 4 now)_ but I wish it had been more planned because my marriage is a very difficult one. I have met a few older women in my various activist organizations who while giving lip service to having no regrets about not having children, are very resentful and intollerant of my son when I take him to meetings.
  8. by   Q.
    Quote from TweetiePieRN
    I just had my first child in July of this year. I think that people who are childless probably don't regret not having children....because they have no idea what they are missing. There is nothing comparable to that feeling you have towards your baby (ok maybe things will change when he gets older ). Before I had him I wasn't sure if I wanted kids at all. It was all about me and my husband. The idea of having a baby was kind of a turn-off to me sometimes.

    But, after I graduated nursing school, started my career, bought a house, and after being married 3 years...we finally felt the big urge to start our family. I'm not a super-young mom at 26, but I guess a good age. I got to live and travel and do all my selfish own stuff. Even with the baby here, I can still get some "me" time. I'm married, so daddy can take over when I need that time.

    Now that the baby is here, I honestly, can't imagine not having him in my life. He has brightened our lives 1,000,000,000x! It's almost like your "forget" your old life and crave to live the new life with child. Yes, it is VERY HARD work! They do cost money, but the rewards of seeing that little guy smile/giggle/coo at me when he wakes up and everytime we meet eyes, the joy of feeding him and having him curl his sweet little fingers around my hand, the warmth of his little body, the smell of him...everything about him...OK, I'm getting a little emotional over here!

    Bottom line, I guess, is that no I don't think having a baby because you will regret it later is a good thing. Have babies when you are ready. Emotionally,etc. I didn't have a baby to ensure someone will take care of me either. That's a pretty tall order to demand on anyone. I would sure hope though, that by raising my son to be a caring, respectable, loving person that he would want to help his old parents when the time comes, but of course, I'm not relying on this

    Funny thing too....I want more kids~!
    You summed up my feelings exactly - everything from not wanting kids at first to now having them be the love of your life!

    Except I think hubby and I are done!
  9. by   fergus51
    No offense, but the "you don't know what you're missing" crowd can only speak from their own perspective. A lot of people have children and they don't become the love of their life. Some people just aren't meant to parent. I see them almost daily at work. It isn't a popular thing to say, but I think it's the truth.
  10. by   Hellllllo Nurse
    Quote from KAW1962
    I wanted to have kids when I was younger but couldn't...now I'm glad I don't. Call me selfish, but I enjoy the freedom from not having all those responsiblilites that I see my counterparts deal with. If you want kids, make sure it's for the right reasons. I've had many elderly female patients complain that they gave up and sacrificed so much for their children, and now their children won't take care of them. I always ask them if that's why they had kids--to have someone take care of them when they're older? I have yet to hear any of my elderly, childless patients express regret for not having any kids. So, my advice to you would be that until you are ready to have kids for all the right reasons, stick with a cat. Much easier to take care of and they won't throw a tantrum in the aisles of WalMart!
    I totally agree! I've taken care of quite a few elderly child-free women over the years, and have never heard one say she regretted not having children.

    On the other hand, I've had many elderly pts whom are mothers complain bitterly about their children.

    I am married, child-free by choice and 40 yrs old. The older I get, the more happy I am with my decision to not have children.

    The only reason to have children is that you have a deep, profound desire to be a mother and raise children, imo.
  11. by   TweetiePieRN
    Quote from fergus51
    No offense, but the "you don't know what you're missing" crowd can only speak from their own perspective. A lot of people have children and they don't become the love of their life. Some people just aren't meant to parent. I see them almost daily at work. It isn't a popular thing to say, but I think it's the truth.
    Absolutely no offense taken! I can respect that those who don't have children are speaking from their own perspective. I was offering up my perspective since I have been on both sides....without kids(not wanting any) and now being a mom.

    I totally agree that some people just aren't cut out to be parents or may not desire to be parents. There is no shame in that. Just like some people don't ever want to be married. Different strokes. Honestly, a few days after having the baby..I seriously went into a kind of mourning for my previous life before baby. But, then I was diagnosed with PPD. So I can't say if the mourning was normal, or was it the PPD.
  12. by   TweetiePieRN
    Quote from Hellllllo Nurse
    I totally agree! I've taken care of quite a few elderly child-free women over the years, and have never heard one say she regretted not having children.

    On the other hand, I've had many elderly pts whom are mothers complain bitterly about their children.

    I am married, child-free by choice and 40 yrs old. The older I get, the more happy I am with my decision to not have children.

    The only reason to have children is that you have a deep, profound desire to be a mother and raise children, imo.
    I've had the opposite experience with pts! I've had childless elderly who say they missed out on that, then I have the mother's whose children are their life (or they wished they would have had more).

    Then again, I do work in oncology. People when faced with death, question their life choices, take stock of what they do have in their life. Alot of psychosocial stuff goes on that is probably unique to oncology, so that could be the reason for the opposite pt. comments.

    I totally agree with your last quote regarding the reason to have kids. Absolutely!
  13. by   fluffwad
    Quote from suzanne4
    Never had one and do not regret it all. Kids work great for some, and not for others.
    :yeahthat:

    It isn't like getting a dog and then deciding you don't really like having one. If you don't really want kids, having them just because everyone else does is asinine.

    When I was 13 I realized that I was not obligated to have kids and have never changed my mind about not having them.

    I've heard all the idiot reasons like " who will take care of you when you're old..." But I have also had co-workers tell me that they envied my freedom / strength to make a decision and not cave in to social pressures.
    Last edit by fluffwad on Oct 30, '05

close