If you've been following the saga of my job woes over the past year---and even if you haven't---you may be able to understand where I'm coming from right now. Maybe even better than I do
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.......in which case, please share your insight with me so that I can stop feeling like I'm the only person on earth who's madder than a wet cat and has absolutely no place to direct the anger, because it's not really anybody's fault.
I've always been the kind of person to hang onto a situation---a relationship, a project, a pet, and yes, even a job---until I've exhausted every last bit of patience I had trying to make it work. Lord knows I did this with my now ex-dog, whom I finally got rid of after six-and-a-half years of attempting (without success) to housebreak him, make him shut up his incessant barking, get him to stop chasing after every single single two-legged or four-legged critter he saw, and keep him out of the dining so we could eat our meals in peace......among many other totally annoying doggy habits.
So it's been with most of the jobs I've had over the years, with the exception of the DNS job I had before this one that promptly drove me screaming into the streets inside of three months. This one, as it turned out, was as close to perfect as they come. My schedule was fantastic 95% of the time, the amount of responsibility was right, the people (for the most part) were wonderful to work with, the management was supportive and gave me the freedom to run my shift the way I chose. I loved the residents, the CNAs, the place, the routine........all of it.
Then the bottom fell out in May of this year, and they started cutting nursing hours. Having little seniority (most of the licensed staff had been there at least five years and I was way down on the food chain with less than two), I was replaced by a nurse who is nearing 70 and doesn't know my unit anywhere near as well as I do. But she's got 15 years of seniority, so I, along with three other nurses and a medication aide, got thrown under the bus.
In addition to this alarming turn of events, I was dealing with a life-altering diagnosis of moderate-to-severe osteoarthritis, which meant a knee arthroscopy that turned out to be a bit more complicated than usual, and more importantly, it signaled the need to make changes in the way I work and live. I had to lose more weight, my ortho said (of course, I knew that), and if I wanted to put off a total-knee replacement, I should work at something that didn't require me to be on my feet 8 hours a day. OK, that was probably not going to be possible at my current workplace, but in the meantime, I was looking forward to working my few scheduled shifts after my final ortho appointment.
But somewhere in the midst of it all, everything changed.
I've had three long weeks now to reflect on what's happened, and truth be told, I am DONE with this job. I have no desire whatsoever to go back. I'll work my seven scheduled shifts for the month, if for no other reason than to fulfill that part of the unemployment-benefits rules that says I have to accept whatever work is offered, but I'm not going to stay one moment longer than it takes to find a job where the ground is a little less shaky. Even though I loved that job and wanted to stay on indefinitely, my trust is gone......and it's not coming back. They could put things back the way they used to be, but it would be too little, too late; I wouldn't be able to depend on it, and I'm sure the minute the census began to drop again that I'd be out on my ear. Again.
Which means that, no matter how sad it makes me to acknowledge it, this season of my life is over. It's been a wonderful roller-coaster ride, and I've learned more about myself and the kind of nurse I want to be in the 20 months I've worked at this particular facility than I did in the previous twelve YEARS. But working isn't just about being able to pay my bills; I also need to be able to respect myself, and to expect that if I give 110% each and every day, I should receive at least some consideration of my contributions to the unit when hard decisions must be made.
Maybe I'm dreaming; maybe such a position doesn't exist. But I'm sure not giving up yet, if for no other reason than I simply can't afford to. Besides, who knows what tomorrow will bring? This could even be a blessing in disguise. But I'll never know that if I let myself remain rooted in the past, refusing to acknowledge what is and grieving for what will never be again. So..........on to the next phase of life, and as always, thanks for reading!
