I'm not a nurse, I'm the embarrassed patient

  1. I know this is inappropriate my registering as a member to your wonderful site and I apologize. I thank Josepha very much for contacting me and I thank you all so much for your support. I registered because I have no one else to talk to about this and I don't know why it's hit me so hard. I'm the man who was embarrassed by his physician in front of a medical student and my wife. I fear so much that nothing will come of this and my feelings will be dismissed. It's almost 4 a.m. and I have to be up by 7:30 , I've been drinking and agonizing again this evening after everyone's gone to sleep. I don't know why it's hit me so hard, so many other things going on. It's just the straw that broke the camel's back. I really don't know what to say except thank you for all the nice things you've said.

    I guess I do have more to say because I'm still typing!... I feel like I'm intruding because I'm not in the medical profession but I've had so many good experiences with nurses and assistance that I feel comfortable talking to you. Is it okay for me to be here?

    My mother was forced into a nursing home last year by my brother who holds power of attorney over her health money and is executor of her will. I guess I'm the black sheep of the family... he's moved to Utah, my mother is in a nursing home to the very end. I've tried many times to take her home with us but she is combative and my wife has had enough and it's tearing me apart.
    impotence a four year headache confidence failing...Oh woe is me. And that's it, enough of me.


    The nurses, administrators and so many other people in the medical profession are so wonderful. So many nice people with hearts of gold like yours. I just want to say thank you so much.

    Why has this hit me so hard! When I went back to the doctor (after waiting weeks for a reply) I asked the nurse if she would weigh me because I knew I had lost weight and I'm looking pretty trim! Started smoking again after four years... why has this hit me so hard?

    I'm going to a new doctor on Monday, a woman and I have high hopes because I feel terrible. My wife is telling me I should ask if she could put me on antidepressants and also wants me to see a counselor which I will do. This shouldn't bother me so much, I know my feelings aren't right but I'm feeling them anyway. I've told a few friends and I found out I don't have any close enough so I laid the burden on my wife.it must be embarrassing for her to have her man fall down for such a trivial thing.

    I read all the messages that you've posted and I thank you very much and I know I'm beginning to not make sense so I should go. I really like your web site and I wish you all the best! Thank you so much.

    Larry

    P.S.. If I can't stay I made my email available in my profile if anybody would like to e-mail me... I feel like such a weak puppy somebody slap me.
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  2. 12 Comments

  3. by   weetziebat
    Hi Larry,

    I'm sure sorry you've been having a difficult time of it, and to be embarrassed by your physician is definately not a good thing. I can understand you coming here for advice and support, and I'm happy you have enough confidence in nurses to turn to us.

    I just don't understand the incident, so it is pretty hard to give advice on what to do about it. Are you interested in an apology from the doc, or just venting, or ???

    Anyway, just remember you always have the option to change physicians, and you can certainly tell the doc what it was that he did that embarrassed you so. I personally think more people should speak up to doctors so they are aware of their impact on a person's life.

    Hope 2006 is better for you.
  4. by   Multicollinearity
    I find this odd. My radar is going off.
  5. by   Tweety
    Hi Larry. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

    The best idea for you right now is what your wife is encouraging: a new doctor and counseling. Drinking, smoking, loosing sleep and not eating are definate signs of ineffective coping and depression and you need some professional help. That's o.k. because many of us, if not all of us get to a point like that sometimes in our life.

    This could be the bottom and a major turning point for a better and new life. Time to move forward and onward, not living in the past, and not destroying yourself. Take care of yourself. Good luck.
  6. by   ◊Ŕђyŧђм◊
    hi larry,
    like some of the other nurses, i'm not exactly sure what is going on. i am new to this website, so if there were any prior posts, i have to apologize because i have missed them. i'm not quite exactly sure what was said or done that embarassed you so infront of your wife. however, i'm not exactly sure what is frustrating you either...is it the fact that your dr. had embarassed you infront of your wife, or the fact that your mother is in a nursing home. was it something that the dr. said to you because you're having the blues about your mother being in a nursing home? it's hard to give any advice or guidence when we're kind of confused to what exactly the problem(s) is/are.
    it's obvious that you are extremely upset about your mother being in a nursing home. i can tell you this, maybe that will help you find some comfort with the situation of your mother. i was a nursing assistant for 15 years and worked in 5 different nursing homes. the residents in the nursing homes where i worked were very well taken care of, of course i can't speak for every nursing home out there.
    if you find the nursing home ordeal a major issue...all i can pretty much tell you is it's probably something that you need to speak to your brother about and perhaps have in-home nursing care for your mother if the funding is available to do that.
    whatever the problems may be, or how trying certain situations are, they usually work themselves out. if you feel you need to see a dr. because of depression thats great that you can recognize that.
    i wish you the best of luck with everything that you have going on in your life.
    take care and god bless,
    rhy:melody:
  7. by   rn in 3 years
    I remember the post abut what happened to you and I was FLOORED! What a JERK that MD was. I am very glad you decided to go to a different MD. If I were you I would lodge a complaint with the Board of Medical Examiners. Honestly, it may not go anywhere but may make you fell a little better.

    I have to tell you that I agree with your wife that you should get on some anti-depressants as (although I do not have a medical degree) it sounds like you do suffer with depression. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with admitting to this, especially given what you have ben through. I was on them for far too long though (7 years) and recently went off on my own (DO NOT recommend that, BTW). I feel I was able to go off cold turkey because I had not been depressed for years and was only dependent on them to sleep.

    I hope you continue to come here and share your progress with us. Take care.
  8. by   Katnip
    Hi Larry. I read that original post also.

    You most certainly should be screened for depression. Ask your new doc for a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist. They're the experts with these things. They are the experts with mental health issues. Unfortunately most family practicioners and internists just don't have the in-depth knowledge about mental health and can't follow up as well as a specialist can.

    Good luck to you.
  9. by   weetziebat
    O.K. - now I'm really confused. This is Larry's first post, yet you two know all about the incident.

    Anyway, hope you get it all straightened out Larry.
  10. by   Katnip
    Quote from weetziebat
    O.K. - now I'm really confused. This is Larry's first post, yet you two know all about the incident.

    Anyway, hope you get it all straightened out Larry.
    A nurse here posted about a patient who had difficulty. This is the patient who is posting now.
  11. by   Princess74
    I am confussed also. Could someone post the link to the original post?
  12. by   DusktilDawn
    Quote from Princess74
    I am confussed also. Could someone post the link to the original post?
    http://allnurses.com/forums/f8/whose...nt-135250.html
    Here is the original thread.

    Welcome Larry. I'm glad you chose to see a different doctor, hopefully one that is more sensitive towards patients. Take care and may the new year be a blessed one.
  13. by   truern
    Does anyone else think joeyrush and larry are one and the same??

  14. by   rn/writer
    You've been on a rough roller coaster ride, Larry. You can't keep your mother at home because of her combative behavior. You've been struggling with impotence. The doctor stripped you of both your clothing and your dignity in front of your wife. And when you asked him to acknowledge that you were angered and hurt by his actions, he added insult to injury by ignoring you and/or making light of the incident.

    It looks to me like the doctor's actions contained the essence of what life has been handing you for some time. Namely, a loss of control. As discourteous and inexcusable as the doctor's actions were, his embarrassing exam was a single, short-term event. But the reason it may have had such an impact on you is that it represented the much larger losses of control you've been struggling with. The personal nature of the encounter might have led you to hope that here, at last, was something that you could influence and maybe even change. You'd just have to tell the doc you had a bad reaction to his inadequate bedside manner and he'd apologize.

    Unfortunately, he didn't have the sensitivity to respond well to your complaint, and he dished out more of the same heartache you've been trying to cope with all along. Because you've been dealing with so much and because this most recent incident caught you so off-guard and because his response was so astoundingly uncaring, you may have gone into an emotional daze--a kind of shock, if you will. This doesn't strike me as weakness so much as weariness. Battle fatigue, of a sort.

    Drinking, smoking, and going without food and sleep are all attempts to take back control in a dysfunctional way that can leave you worse off than you already are.

    Your wife gave you good advice and Tweety gave it a resounding second. Find a different doctor. Have him or her do a thorough work-up to rule out any physical causes of impotence. Then see a competent counselor or therapist who can help determine if you are clinically depressed and what meds, if any, might help turn your body chemistry around. Talk to someone about the many losses of control that have robbed you of your peace of mind and express what they all mean to you. And finally, come up with a new game plan that allows you to resume control of your life in healthy ways.

    You're fortunate to have a caring wife. If the two of you work together, you ought to be able to make small steps of progress that will lead toward a shared goal.

    The biggest thing is to let go of the issues you have no control over and look for ways to make a difference in the areas where you can have some impact. (Memorize the AA Serenity Prayer if you don't already know it.) You can't make this doc apologize (and mean it), but you can write a letter of complaint to the local Board of Medicine so he'll think twice before doing it to someone else. You can't rescue your mother from the nursing home, but you can send her letters, audio cassettes of taped messages, pictures, etc. If she's close enough, you can visit or maybe take her out for an afternoon. You can't snap your fingers and fix the impotency problem, but you can find other ways to be intimate and close until the difficulty passes.

    Take good care of yourself and your dedicated wife. Take whatever (healthy!) actions you need to take in order to feel capable and strong again. Keep a journal or a small diary of ways that you make even a little difference in someone else's life throughout the course of a day. Look for new ways to show up in the world and say, "Larry was here."

    Find someone who needs your help and give it to them without asking anything in return. Learn something every day. Write your wife a poem.

    Put the ways you feel helpless on a back burner for now (but do talk openly about them when you're with a counselor), and concentrate on areas where you have talent and skill and the opportunity to put them to good use.

    Do not let this bad experience with an insensitive doctor, no matter how well it represents other hurts, rob you of the joy of living. Don't give anyone that kind of power. Instead, focus on the everyday sacred and renew your committment to being a strong and decent and caring man.

    No matter what happens in all of these struggles and challenges, you will be better off for seeking life and health than getting mired in sadness and despair. Even if you do just one small thing a day, that is something.

    Take care, Larry. I wish you well.
    Last edit by rn/writer on Jan 1, '06

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