I'm not a nurse, I'm the embarrassed patient

[larrym]

I know this is inappropriate my registering as a member to your wonderful site and I apologize. I thank Josepha very much for contacting me and I thank you all so much for your support. I registered because I have no one else to talk to about this and I don't know why it's hit me so hard. I'm the man who was embarrassed by his physician in front of a medical student and my wife. I fear so much that nothing will come of this and my feelings will be dismissed. It's almost 4 a.m. and I have to be up by 7:30 , I've been drinking and agonizing again this evening after everyone's gone to sleep. I don't know why it's hit me so hard, so many other things going on. It's just the straw that broke the camel's back. I really don't know what to say except thank you for all the nice things you've said.

I guess I do have more to say because I'm still typing!... I feel like I'm intruding because I'm not in the medical profession but I've had so many good experiences with nurses and assistance that I feel comfortable talking to you. Is it okay for me to be here?

My mother was forced into a nursing home last year by my brother who holds power of attorney over her health money and is executor of her will. I guess I'm the black sheep of the family... he's moved to Utah, my mother is in a nursing home to the very end. I've tried many times to take her home with us but she is combative and my wife has had enough and it's tearing me apart.

impotence a four year headache confidence failing...Oh woe is me. And that's it, enough of me.

The nurses, administrators and so many other people in the medical profession are so wonderful. So many nice people with hearts of gold like yours. I just want to say thank you so much.

Why has this hit me so hard! When I went back to the doctor (after waiting weeks for a reply) I asked the nurse if she would weigh me because I knew I had lost weight and I'm looking pretty trim! Started smoking again after four years... why has this hit me so hard?

I'm going to a new doctor on Monday, a woman and I have high hopes because I feel terrible. My wife is telling me I should ask if she could put me on antidepressants and also wants me to see a counselor which I will do. This shouldn't bother me so much, I know my feelings aren't right but I'm feeling them anyway. I've told a few friends and I found out I don't have any close enough so I laid the burden on my wife.it must be embarrassing for her to have her man fall down for such a trivial thing.

I read all the messages that you've posted and I thank you very much and I know I'm beginning to not make sense so I should go. I really like your web site and I wish you all the best! Thank you so much.

Larry

P.S.. If I can't stay I made my email available in my profile if anybody would like to e-mail me... I feel like such a weak puppy somebody slap me.

[rn/writer, RN]

You've been on a rough roller coaster ride, Larry. You can't keep your mother at home because of her combative behavior. You've been struggling with impotence. The doctor stripped you of both your clothing and your dignity in front of your wife. And when you asked him to acknowledge that you were angered and hurt by his actions, he added insult to injury by ignoring you and/or making light of the incident.

It looks to me like the doctor's actions contained the essence of what life has been handing you for some time. Namely, a loss of control. As discourteous and inexcusable as the doctor's actions were, his embarrassing exam was a single, short-term event. But the reason it may have had such an impact on you is that it represented the much larger losses of control you've been struggling with. The personal nature of the encounter might have led you to hope that here, at last, was something that you could influence and maybe even change. You'd just have to tell the doc you had a bad reaction to his inadequate bedside manner and he'd apologize.

Unfortunately, he didn't have the sensitivity to respond well to your complaint, and he dished out more of the same heartache you've been trying to cope with all along. Because you've been dealing with so much and because this most recent incident caught you so off-guard and because his response was so astoundingly uncaring, you may have gone into an emotional daze--a kind of shock, if you will. This doesn't strike me as weakness so much as weariness. Battle fatigue, of a sort.

Drinking, smoking, and going without food and sleep are all attempts to take back control in a dysfunctional way that can leave you worse off than you already are.

Your wife gave you good advice and Tweety gave it a resounding second. Find a different doctor. Have him or her do a thorough work-up to rule out any physical causes of impotence. Then see a competent counselor or therapist who can help determine if you are clinically depressed and what meds, if any, might help turn your body chemistry around. Talk to someone about the many losses of control that have robbed you of your peace of mind and express what they all mean to you. And finally, come up with a new game plan that allows you to resume control of your life in healthy ways.

You're fortunate to have a caring wife. If the two of you work together, you ought to be able to make small steps of progress that will lead toward a shared goal.

The biggest thing is to let go of the issues you have no control over and look for ways to make a difference in the areas where you can have some impact. (Memorize the AA Serenity Prayer if you don't already know it.) You can't make this doc apologize (and mean it), but you can write a letter of complaint to the local Board of Medicine so he'll think twice before doing it to someone else. You can't rescue your mother from the nursing home, but you can send her letters, audio cassettes of taped messages, pictures, etc. If she's close enough, you can visit or maybe take her out for an afternoon. You can't snap your fingers and fix the impotency problem, but you can find other ways to be intimate and close until the difficulty passes.

Take good care of yourself and your dedicated wife. Take whatever (healthy!) actions you need to take in order to feel capable and strong again. Keep a journal or a small diary of ways that you make even a little difference in someone else's life throughout the course of a day. Look for new ways to show up in the world and say, "Larry was here."

Find someone who needs your help and give it to them without asking anything in return. Learn something every day. Write your wife a poem.

Put the ways you feel helpless on a back burner for now (but do talk openly about them when you're with a counselor), and concentrate on areas where you have talent and skill and the opportunity to put them to good use.

Do not let this bad experience with an insensitive doctor, no matter how well it represents other hurts, rob you of the joy of living. Don't give anyone that kind of power. Instead, focus on the everyday sacred and renew your committment to being a strong and decent and caring man.

No matter what happens in all of these struggles and challenges, you will be better off for seeking life and health than getting mired in sadness and despair. Even if you do just one small thing a day, that is something.

Take care, Larry. I wish you well.