I suck...

[workingharder]

Another day another mental whipping.

You ever get into something and think,"Man, I'm gonna do great! I'm gonna leave my mark on the world!"? Then after you've done it for a while you start to realize,"I'm not good at this...". Simple things. Things other nurses(some with little more experience than I) just breeze through. I come up looking like the town drunk or idiot.

Charting. I can sit and chart in what I believe is a concise and precise manner. Than later it turns up I left out an important detail. IV sticks. I have to start a lot of IVs but, I seem to be digressing in my abilities. Doctors' orders. How do I so often miss something that's written right there on the page?(OK, "scrawled" would be a better descriptive). Other routine tasks that I should know almost by heart by now I still struggle with.

Am I really just an old dog who can't learn a new trick? Those old sayings are more often than not based to some extent in reality. Maybe my synapses are so hard wired by a lifetime of doing nonmedical tasks that they just can't turn the corner to what I have to do now.

Every day it seems I do my best to get my job accomplished well and complete. But, like the dog that really wants to do well, no matter how hard I try I just keep leaving doo all over the carpet. I'm not looking for sympathy nor is this a self absorbed rant against the hospital or other nurses. It is a personal reflection that maybe this is not my calling. Not everyone can do everything and it may be that nursing is just something I am not good at.

If I don't get a lot better pretty quick I believe I'm gonna become another statistic of those who left the nursing business before a year is done. Either by my choice or those who sign the checks.

And yes, management is aware of my predicament and is also looking to find an answer.

They say it's lonely at the top. Well, down here at the bottom it's no picnic either.

[beeker]

Some things take time and practice. You just gotta keep on keeping on. Try your best, learn from your mistakes, and move on. We are not born knowing how to do all of this stuff! And it is not easy! Don't be so hard on yourself. No harm to the patient? Then learn from it for next time.

[PintheD]

It's a learning curve, workingharder. I believe you're a second degree nurse? I assume you left a job where you had a achieved a level of proficiency. Now you're starting over. Give yourself a break.

First off, change your thinking. You know you're intelligent, you don't "suck". Remind yourself frequently while at work that you are a bright, capable professional. You must believe in yourself! It's ok if you're not perfect as long as you're trying. Make a list of the things that cause you angst, then tackle them. One day you'll round the corner and know what it feels like to be more confident in your abilities.

If you really feel your job is in jeopardy show your NM your list. I'm sure he/she will respect your proactive approach.

You may find, even after feeling more confident, that the type of nursing you're doing presently isn't for you. That, too, is ok. "Graduate" and move on. That's what a career is all about. Right now you are priming yourself for that next great thing.

Nursing is very task oriented, it's not rocket science. You can do this!

[erroridiot]

I do not consider leaving my "mark on the world". I leave that business to my dog.

Have you tried to find a mentor?

It gets better, but not right away.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

god, the first year of nursing sucks. you find yourself second guessing and berating yourself, comparing yourself to other nurses (who are probably comparing themselves unfavorably to you) and nothing seems simple or straightforward, even the things that should be. it gets better. one day it just "clicks" and you walk away at the end of your shift knowing that you did ok. some things, you did great. the good days become more frequent and closer together and one day you realize that you're doing it. you're really a nurse.

no one is good at nursing right away. not even those whom you're looking at and comparing yourself to. everyone makes mistakes. so give it a solid year before you start wondering if nursing is something you just aren't good at. chances are, you'll find it's something you are good at.

[netglow, ASN, RN]

I do not consider leaving my "mark on the world". I leave that business to my dog.

Ahhhh. True words of wisdom.

[workingharder]

Thanks for the responses. As you may have noticed, the original post was written during one of those troughs we pass through occasionally. Normally I'm a fairly optimistic person. Sometimes though transferring latent doubts to paper (or computer) can be cathartic. I know these times don't last, I've had a lifetime to go through the ups and downs to understand that the sun will rise tomorrow. And as an update: my boss has come up with a plan to have me attached at the hip to a seasoned veteran. This should prove helpful.

I knew getting into this that it would be difficult but, boy that first year is a bugger.

Addendum: What are your thoughts about the ability to learn later in life and it's associated learning curve. Honest answers, no platitudes, please.

[KC,RN]

I have felt like you have so many times. I'm just out of my first year of nursing and I still have days that I feel like that. Just learn to find the nurses you can trust and don't mind giving you a second opinion. Then find ways to improve what you can, read up on things and take classes if you can. And like the others have said go easy on yourself, celebrate the small accomplishments you've made.

I got the best advice from and instructor in a class I took yesterday...Always remember we practice nursing, which means we're always learning.

[Pixiesmom, BSN, RN]

workingharder, I could have written your post. As a new nurse (6 months experience) I often leave work and spend my days off revisiting the previous shifts and wondering what I could have done better, what did I miss, etc.

I do have some amazing co-workers that remember what it was like to be new.

[MomRN0913]

I agree, if this is a second career, you probably did achieve a form of comfort, success and abilities from your previous career. Starting over, not knowing everything, being new is HARD.

I find that even as a nurse. I was a good ICU nurse (or so I was told) I knew my day inside and out, I knew where everything was, all my resources, how to titrate drips, I can smell a patient going down fast..... I knew the paperwork blind, I felt proficient and accomplished as much as a nurse can (although there is always something to learn in nursing and you need to remain humble at all times I believe)

I left that job to take on a managers position. That was a wreck, although for other reasons. I know do something in nursing that is a startup position that I never did before, and I feel stupid. Like I don't know what I am doing. Everything is noes to me and at times i feel incompetent.

Which is all normal when we start something new. Mistakes are made, it will come in time, the importance is actually learning from the mistakes.

There is no being perfect right off the bat, actually, there is no being perfect ever.

We can just keep forging ahead and improving ourselves.

[Bortaz, MSN, RN]

I come up looking like the town drunk

I have to admit, I laughed out loud when I read that.

[NurseLoveJoy88, ASN, RN]

god, the first year of nursing sucks. you find yourself second guessing and berating yourself, comparing yourself to other nurses (who are probably comparing themselves unfavorably to you) and nothing seems simple or straightforward, even the things that should be. it gets better. one day it just "clicks" and you walk away at the end of your shift knowing that you did ok. some things, you did great. the good days become more frequent and closer together and one day you realize that you're doing it. you're really a nurse.

no one is good at nursing right away. not even those whom you're looking at and comparing yourself to. everyone makes mistakes. so give it a solid year before you start wondering if nursing is something you just aren't good at. chances are, you'll find it's something you are good at.

wait a minute, wait a minute! where is ruby vee and what have you done with her? ( just joking). very encouraging post.