Thank you for everyone who has emailed, PMed, or posted here.
I am a 21 year old Senior in a BSN program in Missouri. I also tend to be quite cynical about life in general. I have a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, when all i can think is that it is probably a lightbulb illuminating a brick wall.
The funny thing is that if you would ask any of my friends of professors, this is not what they would tell you that I am like at all. Its not that I try to put an "an act". I try to moderate my depression with as much humor as i possibly can, and when all you do is make your friends laugh, it is hard for them to realize that even though you make them happy, you are just not happy yourself. I feel best when I am busy. i spend a lot of time on my websites, I have 5 of them currently. I have a big problem with saying "no". I just cant say no when someone needs help, even if I have no energy and am exhausted. I know I spread myself too thin.
I have seen a counselor, 2 in fact. There thoughts seemed to be that my self-esteem was damaged. Well, DUH! Im a 21 year old blonde, 5 foot 1, and weight 240 lbs. i have always been overweight, even though I do not eat junk food, and i do not over eat (except thanksgiving). I eat on average of 1000 calories a day, drink one Diet Mountain Dew a day, and still gain weight. I went on the Adkin's diet for a month, and was well into ketosis, but I was so dizzy during this time that i was even more miserable. I did lose 11 lbs however.
I was on DepoProvera for several years, and got off of that 6 months ago, and went on orthotricylen, in hopes that part of this whole mess might be a hormonal problem. I also go back to the my thyroid panel redrawn in 3 months to see if I am getting the right dosage.
I am engaged, yes. Kevin moved in in May, after he graduated from college in Illinois. That has been a big adjustment, and even though I am thrilled to have him here, I do sometimes feel guilty for wanting to be by myself, and get some person time in.
i went for a job interview
last wednesday, but, had to decline because I would have been required to work full time during the school year, and I know that I just couldnt handle that.
Even though school is stressful, I often feel better during the school year than I do during the summers. Maybe part of that is that I have a goal in mind for school, and I always have things to do, skills to learn, or procedures that I want to see.
I didnt have a bad childhood. My parents got divorced, both remarried, and my dad got divorced again, but that is ok, because I really like my stepdad, he treats my mom like a queen, and I didnt like my dad's new wife anyways (golddigger, for lack of a better term). My family is supportive of me, and proud of what i accomplish. But surely my being overweight cant be the entire root of this.
I have an online journal that i post to daily now. Just about what is going on, how I am feeling, and that seems to help.
Thanks for everything everybody. A person can never have too much support.