Is attending a patient's funeral overstepping "the" boundary?

[BostonTerrierLover]

I have a young man that has frequented the ER, and this small hospital (pediatric), that I saw come into this world, and fight for the short time he had.

There was a small incident with EMT/Paramedics, NO ONE knows what happened, but it had NOTHING to do with his death, and was 3 transits ago. I would hate to see the family in or around town after missing this funeral. I just wanted them to know how much the little guy impacted us. They are also "county" and have been asked by an alderman NOT to attend. Nothing was said of Hospital Personnel. The family wrote a wonderful card of thanks to the Hospital in the paper. This is a delimma as other nurses have asked what I will do, and what they should do. I stated, "right now I 'want' to, but I don't know yet."

Is it frowned on to attend according to patient/Healthcare worker boundaries, or would another notion be more proper?

What would you all do?

[edgarmatthews]

I always sign the online condolence book and say a few words. One time, I was the only one who did it other than the familiy member's spouse. I am sure that someone eles's thoughtful comments were appreciated at that tough time.

[umcRN, BSN, RN]

I've gone to one funeral so far in my career. She was a NICU baby that I had taken care of for 3 long months. She came in sick, got better, almost went home and then crashed hard and died a week later. I was close to her family and attached to her. I, along with her other primary nurse, went to her funeral, it definitely helped for closure and her family was glad we went to. I have yet to sign on to take another primary patient though and doubt I ever will again.

[tothepointeLVN, LVN]

When my mother died (after being on hospice much longer than expected) we thought at least one of the hospice nurses would come to the funeral. We had grown quite attached to them. Not one of them came. No card, or even "I'm sorry" from them. The only time we saw them was when they came to the house and cleared out the things belonging to hospice. We were quite hurt actually.

If you feel in your heart you should go, then by all means go!!

Please don't be hurt. I do Hospice (continuous care) and some weeks I have 2-3 patients pass in a week. I have yet to attend a funeral. I don't send cards. The way I see it don't need to remind them I was there on the crappiest day of their life.

I don't think I would be able to do my job if I did both from a time limit standpoint and a emotional standpoint

[CJMR]

In my area when a patient dies the staff collectively makes sure at least one staff member goes to represent the staff at the funeral. They put it on the calendar and compare schedules to see who can make it. I don't see it as stepping over the line at all unless you feel your presence would somehow upset the family.

[LaRN]

[quote name=

Is it frowned on to attend according to patient/Healthcare worker boundaries

Doesn't make me frown. Go.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

going to the wake or the funeral is one thing, and i don't think you can ever underestimate how much people appreciate the show of caring. plenty of these posts attest to that. just don't keep in touch, show up at the house unannounced, call from time to time, send cards and self help books... all that stalking behavior bespeaks real mental health issues. i'm glad nobody else has seen that, which means it's fairly uncommon, but it does happen.

[Rose_Queen, BSN, MSN, RN]

My grandmother went three rounds with lymphoma. Round three, she ended up on hospice care at home. When she passed, her primary nurse attended the funeral. None of us were upset, as she had pretty much become part of our lives for quite some time. I think it also allows the nurse to have closure too.

[amoLucia]

Absolutely go if you feel so moved - I have. I am a firm believer in the old Kubler-Ross, death & dying, systems theory theories that we are providing some measure of closure to the patient's family system. We do this when the pt is alive, yes? So why not now as the final act of our care? Isn't this what our nursing is about --- caring!?! Just as an aside---I am amazed and humbled by the many posts that I've been reading here. How staff make impromptu or coordinated efforts in their lives JUST BECAUSE they care. THANK YOU for the caring.

[tokiya, RN]

When my mother died (after being on hospice much longer than expected) we thought at least one of the hospice nurses would come to the funeral. We had grown quite attached to them. Not one of them came. No card, or even "I'm sorry" from them. The only time we saw them was when they came to the house and cleared out the things belonging to hospice. We were quite hurt actually.

If you feel in your heart you should go, then by all means go!!

Thanks for the insight, will keep this in mind

[nerdtonurse?, BSN, RN]

It can depend on a lot of things. I had a patient I became very attached to, who I'll call Paratrooper -- in better days, we'd discovered he was stationed at the same Army base my dad was at, at the same time he was there, and Paratrooper's unit "lived" across the road from the Commissary. So, when I was 9 or 10, it's likely that I crossed paths with Paratrooper, however briefly as we both went in an out of be base grocery store. When I met him as a nurse, he was worn out from useless rounds of chemo, because his wife could not stand to let him go. In one of his brief periods between extubations and reintubations, he asked me, "Please make her stop and let me go." Wife wouldn't hear of it, no hospice, Full Code, full speed ahead, doc going, "Yippee, look at the all them ICU billable dollars!"

He finally did die, after a long and horrible code. I wanted to go the funeral, but I was worried about how the wife would react (she acted like somehow we gave him the lung ca that mets'd to liver and colon). I was even more worried about how I'd react to her, for making us torture her husband his last days on earth, when he could have been at home, on hospice, and at peace. So, about a week after his funeral, on a foggy early morning when I knew nobody'd be at the country church he was buried at, I stopped on the way home and got some flowers and put them on his grave said a prayer, and asked his forgiveness. It was a quiet, beautiful place, with only the sounds of birds, no vents, no IVs, none of the inhuman sounds of modern medicine. Watching the birds and the squirrels, I realized that Paratrooper was at peace, and that was all I needed to know.

[BostonTerrierLover, BSN, RN]

Well, today was a long one. I bought a card aroung 5:30am and took it buy for the other ER Nurses to sign, Doctor's caught wind at the clinic, and many wrote a few lines. I then went and grabbed some food (southern culture) from a local caterer we arranged to feed 30-35 people (everyone pitched in), and dropped it off by the home to the person taking in food, drinks, and other "groceries" for the mourning. I tried to make every gesture that I wasn't intruding, but the family insisted I come in. The mother was of course, broken, and I told her we were available 24/7 for any need or question. The family was purely greatful for the visit/food. I understood it would be bad, and the shock was so deep (even though he had been chronically ill- it was still a 'sudden' death), that little food/drinks/plates/napkins were around (and I know no one felt like eating), but it helped take a small burden off that food was there now. It was plenty for the number of people I saw.

The funeral was everything you would expect from sudden death, and being a child. The Pastor offering eulogy broke down and was unable to finish, and his tutor/homeschool rapped up with a few words, regathered the pastor offered benediction, and then to the cemetary. I did like a former poster had stated, I sat in the back with 2 other ER nurses, the RRT, and 3 Doctors.

Y'all were right. It was "right" to go. I didn't realize how strong the Doctor/Patient relationship had been between him and his doctor, and the funeral offered closure and the completion of their relationship. They were grateful we came, and I think the Doctor was an extreme support during the pastor getting upset, and losing composure.

We had also slid down some info and pamplets on grieving, and for the mother a book by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. I am grateful to you guys for your wonderful advice. With everything else going on, I was so emotionally drained, sleep deprived, and numb- I didn't know "WHAT" to do. The other advice on how to approach the funeral visitation, and burial service were priceless. We were just "there" for them, we didn't pry in, and stayed to the sidelines to show we were their "with" them. The dad thinked each of us personally (Been on first name basis with all of us for 5-8 years depending on staff member.

I'd like to say something about the patient now. When the unit died down at night, I used to come sit and visit with him. Some of you know how "chronic/terminally ill" children are WELL beyond their years in maturity. He would talk about hating to be a burden on his parents, how it stressed their marriage, how it deprived his older brother of needed attention, and how he felt about "girls!" We talked about what he wanted to do when he could, or was able. He loved british literature, and I spent a many nights reading him Dickens. When I would start to get choked up in his deep conversations, -that was our cue to start reading, and "hold" the conversation." If my eyes got glassy, he would pull the book out, hand it too me with his IV'd hand, and I would reach over and hit the lamp, choke back tears, and begin to read. He talked about his friends, and how to answer their questions of his deteriorating health. He always said when it got tough, or I paused, "I got this." He wanted to be a English Teacher, and was very close to an English Teacher who visited often. He was a special little guy. We had just started "Ethan Fromme" when he passed. He said one of my favorite quotes, "The only thing worse than fearing death, was fearing life."

I will do my best to apply that virtue to my walk. Thanks to One Amazing-Inspiring-Supportive Group of Nurses, Students, and Healthcare workers! My appreciation for your thoughts on this goes beyond words.

To "Lil Timmy"(from "Tiny Tim"), as we called him affectionately, stop reading depressing Dicken's novels awhile, and run like the wind now, nothing is holding you back anymore. Fly once for this "Lamp" (his given name for nurses in remembrance of Ms. Nightingale).

:redbeatheBoston

[MudderInTraining]

I feel that attending the funeral of a patient whom you have become attached to is generally a much appreciated sentiment to the family of the deceased. I think this is even more applicable in regards to the death of a child. Oftentimes nursing staff are the closest things to friends that a chronically ill little one has!My daughter passed away afterA two and a half month stay in the NICU. The nurses who made a point of sending cards and showing up at her service have a very special place in my heart. Their support helped me realize that my child's life may have been short, but that her teeny-tiny self did make a difference in the world.