ADHD and son

veteranRN · Feb 12, 2004

I have a 17 year old son who is ADHD. The main thing we noticed is he would act impulsively (like hit another person) and couldn't explain why. ADHD kids act without thinking. He is very impulsive although he is very loving. I would recommend reading some books on ADHD as disciplining them can be quite a challenge and not the same as children without ADHD. By the way, my son is a junior in high school, has always scored several grades ahead on any test he has taken however is getting all Ds and Fs. Very frustrating. He has no desire to do the homework. His ambition in life now is to be a gas station attendant. :uhoh3: Oh well, I guess someone has to work the cash register.

crankyasanoldma · Feb 12, 2004

Boy howdy, you have your plate full right now.

Your post really struck a chord with me as I have just now walked in from receiving my kindy son's diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome (a form of autism).

Evaluations for behavour and learning problems in school aged children can be done throught the school district or be done privately. The benefit of school based testing is primarily one of cost- the testing is done at the school's expense. As you probably know, private testing and treatment is very, very expensive. I was worried that school-based testing would not be of the same quality as private, but I was very happily surprised with the quality and thoroughness of the schools exams. In school, you or the teacher may make the request for the evaluation.

The teacher and I both requested testing for my child. The school was reluctant at first, but we were firm in our request. If you are not familiar with the schools requirements and responsibilities in this regard, a visit to the school counselor would be a good place to start. I got a booklet called "The ARD Process" (it may go by different names in different areas) that explained in minute detail how, when, and why (etc,) testing and evaluations are done.

The school counselor also (surprise) councils chilrden with problems- she told me she see many children during the day and may talk about problem solving skills, anger management, or other life skills problems. This is an elementary school. Wow.

While I can say I am not happy to have a diagnosis for my child, I am happy that the school recognises the problem and is developing a plan to help us. I was further surprised to find the school has a Asperger's parents group that meets once a month, another meeting once a month with all the special ed teachers and parents (this month's topic is about testing and evaluation), a free lending library, and they told me I was invited and expected to become a part of the team whose goal was a happy and successful school careeer for my child.

Now that the diagnosis is made, the school is going to develop a detailed plan called an IEP to help my son have a more successful school experience. Part of his IEP will include how to make and be a friend (My child, although he is hugely verbal and very bright, doesn't seem to know how to have a basic give-and-take conversation. He tends to bore or alienate the other kids, and cannot 'read' social cues), how to become organized.

Anyway, the main point I'm trying to make is to approach your elementary school to see if they have some help for you. I was very surprised how much help was avaiable there. And post to me if I can be of any help to you.

ktwlpn, LPN · Feb 12, 2004

OK, you are sick of reading by now......My question is, do I really want him labeled? Do meds really work? Will it help the impulsiveness w/o changing the boy inside? I know there are other options other than meds, but have we tried them (punish/award/talk).
Sorry this is so long. I really am worried about this appt next week, can you tell? :uhoh21:

IMHO yes to all of the above.You need ALL the help you can get with this.If you are like me you also may have some guilt going on,too and you have to sep rate that from what is best for your son...Being "labeled" at school will insure that your son does not get lost in the shuffle.With a diagnosis they have to put him in suitable programs and he will get the help he needs.The school is usually reluctant to test-they have to educate each child for a certain amount of money so of course they want them all to be little round pegs in little round holes.But-kids are not like that.The psychiatrist may put him on a med now or may tell you to have him tested first.Call the school today and make a formal request-They have a certain number of days to carry it out and stay in compliance with the regs.The meds can be tough to regulate due to side effects but take your time and evaluate him as you would any patient and work with the school and the docs.We found that a tutor helped a great deal because our son knew how to push our buttons very well and my husband has had unrealistic expectations of him and I am too easy on him and would not make him take responsibility for his actions....He is ADD without hyperactivity.He is 14-right now he is trying it without meds and having great success.The school has helped him discover ways to compensate for his problems and his goal now is to be on the honor roll-he is less then 2 points away from that!...My sister is a teacher and she was a big help in explaining what the school's responsibilites are-it seemed as though they were not forthcoming with info.I felt as though I had to KNOW what questions to ask to get any answers...Counseling helped alot,too-our son went for a few months.We got lots of useful info from them-and the cost was pro-rated so find a similar organization...PM me if I can help in any way....Parenting is tough....also-the meds will not change his personality-just the impulsiveness-my son had problems there,too...It's tough to play well with other kids when you are so impulsive.....He has lots of buddies now and a sweetheart.Can you tell I am proud of him? I could not guess how many hours I have cried over his struggles....Good luck

kastas, BSN, RN · Feb 12, 2004

Thanks for your replies. I hadn't thought of the school counselor. I did talk with the principle and will follow up. She said she will contact the public school system for evaluation needs. We are a very small private school. I will also do a search for some books to help.

Thanks again.

kastas, BSN, RN · Feb 12, 2004

KTW--We must have been posting at the same time. Thanks for the info. I guess I better find out how long they have to carry out my request for the evaluation. I spoke with the principle about it at the beginning of Jan. and have not heard anything yet.... I too have had many tears over this. My DH thinks I am over reacting, but I think he too is ADHD as he has many of the symptoms I have heard of in adult ADHD. And he has few friends. Aspergers? DH cannot hold a 2 sided conversation. He talks and talks and talks and talks w/ no end in site and few people care about the topics he chooses. LOL, gotta love him tho'.

SmilingBluEyes · Feb 12, 2004

ADD/ADHD need a multi-disciplinary approach. Be sure to include teachers, school guidance counselors, your pediatrician, and get the whole family involved, as well.

Be careful. Make sure if diagnosed, he is not LABELED as you said. Watch your words carefully.

It becomes a hindrance or a crutch to some, and you do NOT want that. Instead, he needs to learn normal functioning within the context of his limitations. We all have limitations and gifts; be sure you point that out to him. Accentuate the positive and minimize negatives as much as possible. It's like asthma or other childhood problems; normal functioning is the GOAL, not an impossiblity. And never to be used as an excuse for bad behavior or failure to TRY.

marcieg · Feb 12, 2004

That could have been my son you are describing. My best advice is to be in constant contact with the school, and constant communication with your child. We moved from a more rural area where the school's solution was to suspend him every time he misbehaved, to a more progressive area. The we have been here 3 years and the difference is amazing. He is now in middle school and has an aide go to every class with him, which is part of the IEP. By law, at least in Michigan, the school is required to evaluate and make concessions once you request an eval. He is very smart, but can't focus very long (unless it is tv or video games,) and his social skills are zero. The one friend he made here talked him into shoplifting.

Routine, routine, routine is what is working best, highly structred everything!

We make a certain time and time limit for most of his day to happen. Good Luck!

jaenshaesmom · Feb 12, 2004

I am a kindergarten teacher (but will start nursing school in the fall.) Before I was in the classroom I was completely against meds for ADHD. Since then, I have seen the meds help a student that would never have made it without them. His self esteem is much better too. He could never explain to me (before the meds) why he did the bad things that he did and now he can actually think before he acts.

I think the meds are right for some kids.

Yellow Rose RN · Feb 12, 2004

You are on the right track. My son had always had "differences" since birth and they just seemed to excacerbate as time went on. He was diagnosed with ADD but as time went on and meds were given/changed I just was not seeing results. He kept getting in trouble at school and had severe mood swings with no remorse for bad behavior or inappropriate behavior. I had my son evaluated privately because of the time it took to get the school district was just not acceptable (although eventually he was evaluated by the school's behavior specialist, diagnostician, and psychologist). It turns out that my son was eventually diagnosed with ADD, OCD, anxiety disorder and Bipolar Disorder. He is still not stable and the Dr. is trying different meds right now. My point in all of this is that the other posters are right. Although it is hard to have a "lable" on your child, it is necessary to have a correct Diagnosis if there really is a problem. If your child does have a correct diagnosis, he will be eligible for assistance that he would not otherwise be eligible for. My son attends speech therapy, special education, occupational therapy for life skills, counselling sessions with the school counselor, and if there is a behavior problem, he has a behavior plan that is in place that is specially individualized for him (this protects him as well as the school). Also, he is exempt from taking certain testing tools and is given one that is appropriate for his learning abilities. Also, find out if you private school "provides" these services free of charge because most private schools do not. Good luck in your search and keep us updated.

tylerlvn · Feb 12, 2004

My son is in the second grade and I have gone through everthing you are describing. It is heartbreaking. I was completely against med's until I was at the end of my rope. Now, I am so thankful that he has them. It made a huge difference for us. I now get to see the sweet kind boy that I always knew he was deep inside. The med's have not been a cure all - by any means. They have helped though. Dicipline is very hard with him. The one thing that has helped me - When he gets in trouble I take him in a room alone and talk to him. My husband just gets frustrated with him because when he tries to talk to him and he is looking at the tv, out the window, at his sister - he just cannot pay attention when there are any distractions. When he gets mad at me he always says "Nobody in my family loves me!" and it breaks my heart. We love him very much and tell him all the time. I have actually had people tell me that he must repeat that because he heard us say it. I know that you do not want your son "labeled". I understand that - I did not want it either but, I think in alot of ways it has helped people understand that he does have a medical problem. I know some people think that my son has just never had any discipline and is unruly. Which is far from the trueth. We have always set limits. Just know you are not alone even though sometimes it feels like. Feel free to email me if you want.

mattsmom81 · Feb 12, 2004

I am crying as I read all your posts here because I also have an ADHD adult child...labeled as ADHD 17 yrs ago before we knew much about it or had many resources.. We struggled through alone, my school system called ADHD 'minimal brain dysfunction' and did NOT classify it as a learning disability...I got no help at all, and had to educate myself mostly....finally found a seminar about it but with NO ongoing support system (which is greatly needed). I'm glad there is support now for ADHD in some school systems and encourage you all to get as much support as you can. I remember having very mixed feelings about my son and feeling guilty for those feelings. At one point I pulled him out of school completely and home schooled him, because of the label problems, behavioral issues, bad grades, and teachers that were unsupportive.

Hugs to all ADHD kids and their Moms whose hearts break for our kids. Life is tough enough today for kids, and ADHD sure throws a wrench into childhood.