A patient died today. . . .

[Ted]

I guess I've come to the conclusion that I'm kind of sad and maybe even a bit depressed. I work nights. It is now 6:20 PM and I haven't even been to bed yet. What have I been doing? Two things, probably. One is the obvious. I'm here. . . . here at "Allnurses.com". . . probably for over 7 hours straight!!! Typing. Reading. Typing some more. Editing. Reading. Typing.

I haven't surfed the internet for that length of time in quite a while!

The second thing I'm doing is a bit less obvious. Even to myself. I'm avoiding. What a typical "psycho-babble" term, isn't it?!?!?!?

Avoiding.

But I am.

Avoiding.

I'm sad. I'm scared. And I'm even a bit lonely. (Amy is out taking her evening college course.)

_____________________

I've seen dozens of people die. I've seen them take their last breath. . . . and then. . . . "No more". Today was no different.

Except it was, I guess.

I've only met this gentleman just hours before his death. Four hours to be more precise. He was admitted because of pancytopenia and hypotension probably all secondary to AML. But he was alive when I first met him!!!!!! We talked together. I took his vital signs. I gave him water to drink. He thanked me.

He shared with me!!!! He said that he was ready to go! He said that if anything should "happen" to me, don't do "anything". "Just let me go!"

He was a DNR/DNI. That was official.

And deep down I KNEW he was going to die today.

So I watched him closely. Just watched him sometimes.

He was my ONLY patient so I made sure he had everything done for him per his wishes. . . as best as I could. Sat him up in bed. Gave him pain medication. . . which never seemed to do him much good. So I gave him more.

And repositioned him to his liking. And watched him. And took his vitals when appropriate. And talked to him.

About his family. About how he knew that he was very sick. About pain management. About his heavy breathing. About his grandchildren. About his own children. About his wife who was also ill of health too.

He was in pain. . . and there was not much I could do about it except what I did. He had trouble breathing the WHOLE TIME. . . he always Foxed 98% . . . . or better! . . . . but I still gave him more oxygen. He sweated. . . I wiped his forehead. He sat up abruptly as if in an anxious "what is going on?". . . and I held his hand. I held his hand a lot!

And then his left arm got numb!

WHAT?!?!?!? What's that all about?!?!?!?

And his face began to droop.

What the hell is going on???

And his speech slurred.

A fricken' stroke!

And he stooped towards the left side!

Can things get much worse?!?!?!?!?

By "THIS" time, my shift was over. I could have walked home at 7:00 AM! It was my time to leave!!!

But I didn't.

Sometimes it takes time for someone to die. So I stayed.

The on-coming day nurse was well aware of the immediate situation and could very well handle himself.

I still stayed.

And together the day nurse and I stayed with the patient. And we talked to him, and held his hand, and said "It's O. K."

"You are not alone."

At 9:35 he was "pronounced".

And he was not alone.

_____________________

Now, I've seen dozens of people die. Held many-a-hand. Said many-a-"It's O.K.".

And it never gets any easier.

And I still find the whole experience SOOOOOO PROFOUND!!!

So sad. . . yet he's free of pain. So scary. . . yet he died knowingly, couragously and. . . YES!. . . peacefully (as peacefully as can be given the pain he was in). So lonely. . . .

Yet he was not alone when he died!

_____________________________

And I'm left with my memories. My fears. My sadness at witnessing such an profound event that it makes me almost want to scream! ! !

_____________________

I'm left knowing that someday. Somewhere. Hopefully with someone. . . .

I'm going to die.

And I don't want to!!!

I want life to ALWAYS BE!

I WANT TO LIVE!!!!

For another day. Another precious, love-filled day.

[I_Love_Donuts]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us...thank you!

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

Ted . . . .he was not alone.

big hug coming your way . . .

steph

[Kayzee]

I think the idea of death becomes easier to accept the older you get. I always have it in my mind that yes...this could be my last day. I'm not fearful anymore for some reason. Perhaps because my parents died at an early age, and then my 39 year old sister 3 yrs ago. I don't feel we will be alone at that time. Those who have passed before us will welcome us...I believe. Wether this is true or not who knows, but it helps me accept the fact of mortality. This man you reached out to knew you were giving him comfort, and I'm sure it meant so much to him in his time of need. Just the other day we had a man dying who was A&Ox3. We talked about his children and I just sat beside him on his bed and listened. If he could I'm sure he would thank you. The feelings you have now show that you are a caring person.

[Freshman RN]

Unfortunately in our business we see more than our share. Working at the nursing home, sometimes we "pray" for death to come. I am always amazed at how sometimes I am so deeply affected especially the ones that have been hanging on and are in pain and you wish it would go quicker for them.

[Rachel_1202]

Wow, I am trying to hold tears back reading your story. You were with him, and that is probably the best thing anyone could ask for when they are dying. It is also good to hear that others, I was afraid I was the only one, are afraid of dying because we love life and family and friends so much. I work on the oncology floor and it is hard to see these patients that we come to think of as our "friends" die, especially when they are in pain. Have comfort in the fact that you provided a hand to hold, and an ear to listen.

Thank you.

[TreceRN]

My heart is with you. You captured you're experience eloquently. I'd say that these are the moments when we have a love/hate relationship with nursing. Our hearts ache and we question our own mortality during these emotional moments, but we rejoice in knowing that for this moment in time our creator chose to put us there with this person when their journey comes to an end and blesses us with the opportunity to ease them into the next life. I've been there for the peaceful passings, as well as the traumatic codes that we can't bring back. Each experience is unique, and I think we carry each and every one of them with us for the rest of our lives. These moments help us to remember all we have to be thankful for, and to cherish each and every moment God has granted us.

[susanmary]

I'm truly moved. As a nurse, you were privileged to be able to provide support & comfort to a dying man. You went above and beyond ... and, in my opinion, he was privileged to have you for his nurse. Thank you for being you. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes I hate nursing so much. Reading your post reminds me of what a privilege nursing can be at times. God bless.

Sue

[dianah, ASN]

Send THAT to Meredith V. of The View --

Ted, you have described what is the essence -- the raw -- the real, of what Nursing is -- and then it is SO much more, mingling the scientific with intuition, logic and calculations/milligrams-per-kilo with gut "I know something's wrong here."

You treated the WHOLE person, Ted, and, sad and moving as it was, it was beautiful.

Thank you for sharing. Take time to cry and mourn, my friend.

Love and peace -- Diana

[career seeker]

Thank you Ted for sharing this experience. IT took me a while to compose myself after reading it.

As a new nursing student I often turn to this web site for informatin and inspiration. More times than not I find these boards a device for nurses to vent about thier jobs and I have often times find myself discouraged... wondering if I should really be doing this. Your words were so moving...they reminded me why I am going into nursing.

As an EMT I have had a number of patients die in my care but I have never had the opportunity to develop the connection that you did with this gentleman.

I hope that you can find comfort in the knowledge that you made his passing easier buy just being there for him.

Thank you for sharing. This man has now not only touched you lfe but also touched the lives of those of us who read this and were moved by it.

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

Ted I only hope when it's my time to go someone like you is there for me. Thanks for sharing with us. Thanks for sharing with him. Hope your getting peaceful sleep by now.

[Ted]

And I feel so much more refreshed!

I've read all of your comments. And I appreciate your words of support. Thank you! ((((HUG))))

What gently surprised me, in all honestly, were the warm, heart-felt comments regarding "my loss". Like I said, I only knew this gentleman for a little more than 4 hours. And during that time I did get to know him well, I guess.

I guess I did lose a patient. A very friendly, very brave (he is an inspiration - a mentor of sorts - to me!!!!!!!!!), very caring towards his family gentleman.

But I don't feel like I lost anyone I knew for years and year and years. At least not the loss one feels when a spouse dies or a parent dies or . . . . shudder. . . . a son or daughter dies. . . . (shudder again).

Different kind of loss, I guess.

___________________________________

I want to share with you that I wrote this knowing full well that many people were going to read this.

There are over. . . what 25,000? . . . . members to this site alone. And I am asuming that a great percentage of these members are somehow related (or going to be related) to the healthcare profession.

With that said, we're going to experience death.

And it is not easy.

For me. . . witnessing another person's death does open up some old wounds, and fears, and philosphical thoughts/arguments, and oh soooooooo many things!

And it's easy to get caught up in all these emotions.

Some people cope well with witnessing death. Some people don't. I'm kind of in the middle.

But what helps me. . . is to share. To not be alone in my own mind and think and think and think and think and think. . . .

and fear and fear and fear and fear. . . .

Writing the thread to you is sooooo cathartic! It helps me cope. It helps me emote!!! It helps me put things into perspective. . . .

So that the NEXT time I witness some else's death. . . .

I can provide similar support and caring. . . and NOT feel overwhelmed.

I want to feel.

I don't want to be dumb-struck with fear and apprehension.

____________________________

And I guess, my little "thinking and feeling out loud" to YOU, was my way of coping. And reading your responses. . . and allowing myself to really read your kind words. . . was also my way of allowing healing to take place.

___________________________

And you know what?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Isn't this wonderful that we can do this for each other! ! !

With the warmest regards and the deepest respect to you all!

Ted

[Whisper]

wow ted, thankyou for sharing this with us, it was really touching and you sound evry caring and helped your patient by being their for him when he needed you the most.

Examples such as this help me to decide what kind of nurse I want to be,

Thankyou.

Whisper