Where is the line?

[toomuch25]

First of all, I made a "throwaway" account for this post. I post here occasionally and my username is one I use for other accounts, so I want to protect my anonymity as much as possible.

I apologize if this is long, but I'll give some background information first. My dream for a long time was to be in the psychiatric field. I was originally going to get a psychology degree, but after hearing about the not so great market for psych majors, my dad told me to look into nursing. I researched about psych nurses and psych NP's until I was blue in the face and was so happy because it seemed perfect. I immediately finished my pre-reqs and enrolled in nursing school. Nursing school went incredibly well. I am science-minded and enjoy school in general, so the material in theory interested me and I was in love with the idea of how "holistic" nursing care is. After nursing school, I took NCLEX and passed the first time with 75 questions. I was so incredibly happy, I truly felt like nursing was my calling.

I started applying for jobs. Of course, most of my focus was towards psych facilities. Not many were hiring in my area and the clock was ticking. So I decide to apply in other areas so I can at least get some experience and maybe get a chance to utilize those med-surg nursing skills that I'd worked so incredibly hard in school to attain. I very quickly get a call for an interview in a telemetry/step-down at a local community hospital. They quickly hired me and I am on orientation now, 6 weeks in. I can safely say that I have never been so miserable in my life. I tried shaking it off since I am all too aware of the scary first year of nursing and tell myself that these feelings are normal. No matter how much positive self-talk I do, nothing seems to help. I am so in over my head. I work 12 hour nights and have 6-7 patients a shift, and have been almost completely on my own since the second week. My preceptor is very nice and a great nurse, but she doesn't seem to want to answer a lot of my questions. I figure she is still learning herself since she has only been there for 8 months.

I still go in and try to suck it up and manage to get through my shifts, but I absolutely hate what I'm doing every second I'm there. My days off are consumed with thoughts of work and I am crying and having panic attacks almost constantly. I can't sleep during the day and I frequently wake up in a panic. I try so hard and force positive self-talk, but I have no idea to cope at this point. It's gotten to the point where I'm losing a will to live, and these thoughts are beginning to consume me. I'm going to call a psychiatrist to make an appointment on Monday because I'm so terrified. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I DO NOT want to be a nurse anymore. I would give anything to not be a nurse anymore and get back the past few years of my life. But at this point, I don't want to be much of anything.

I know the golden rule is to suck it up for a year, but I honestly have no idea how I'm going to survive feeling like this every day for a year. The quality of my life is so low, how does anyone survive this? I hate sounding whiney, believe me I do. I work hard and have been able to overcome so much in my life. I am a fighter, I cherish life.... I have never been in a situation where I pray for my life to be over.

I know I'm expected to be miserable for awhile, but where is the line? When is it too much? Maybe I'm just not cut out for this.

[NotReady4PrimeTime, RN]

This is a terrible situation for you. I strongly recommend that you NOT wait until Monday to seek help. Please go to the ER now, tonight. You need to be somewhere that you will be safe while you work through this.

[toomuch25]

Thank you. I understand the concern, I really do. But I assure you that I do not feel unsafe or out of control. I have a wonderful family/support system that I can go to if I'm starting to feel too bad. The thoughts are very fleeting, but it's the overwhelmed feelings that are scariest to me. I really, really want to be good at this. I just don't know how to cope yet.

[annie.rn]

The line has been crossed and it is now about a mile behind you. As the above poster stated, please don't wait to get help. Your life is precious and you are loved. As terrible as you feel at the moment, things will get better. No job or career is worth wishing yourself dead. It sounds like your work situation is tough. However, the first priority is getting yourself into a good state of mind and once there, you can problem solve how to make your job/career situation better. That said, it seems like nursing is a good fit (you loved nursing school and did very well academically) but you are in a specialty that is not. You said you want to work in Psychiatry. I would recommend following that passion.

But, please, please, please get help ASAP. I will say a prayer for you. Please update us so we know you are o.k. ((Hugs))

[annie.rn]

I didn't see your response to the first poster until after I posted mine. I'm relieved to hear about you have a good support system and to know the thoughts are fleeting.

Talk to your family. They know you best and can help you. After reading your reply I still think that you may be very well cut out for nursing but that this job isn't good for you. The lack of sleep isn't helping much either.

You don't sound like the quitting type and you seem quite insightful. I think you know what you can handle and this job isn't one of them. Get the help you plan on getting and if you think you can better handle the job after that, I would stick around long enough to give proper notice so that you leave on good terms. Take some sick days to get some rest and some time to reframe things. I would then start applying for Psych Nursing Jobs again. Hopefully you can handle a period of unemployment.

Again, very relieved to read your second post. :-)

[icuRNmaggie, BSN, RN]

Consider applying to good home health agencies like the Visiting Nurse Association/ Service. They will train you for hospice or psych care. Look at day hospitals for psych/behavioral health. You also might really love being a school nurse. Some employer will be be lucky to hire a bright young person with a good work ethic such as yourself.

You know you are not suited to this kind of high acuity high pressure area and that is okay. It takes guts to say this is not for me. It is not a failure it's a crummy job with high ratios and minimal support. It is just a life experience, that's all.

Make an appt with your manager and be straight with her, "I can not do this kind of nursing, this is not for me" thank her for the opportunity and say that you are sorry that it did not work out. I would not worry about giving 2 weeks notice either. I would not disclose anything about your mental distress, that is your personal business.

Too many times I have seen new nurses in your situation have full blown panic attacks at work. One was diagnosed with PTSD afterwards related to that job. But she loved her next job in a hospice facility and with a lot of support is her old self. These young women ended up resigning anyway so why make yourself suffer. Don't listen to the people who say you are doing yourself a real disservice if you don't stay for a year. They aren't you. This is affecting your health and well being. Time to walk away from this job and find your joy. Take a vacation. It is not worth this.

[imintrouble, BSN, RN]

The above posters have given excellent advice. I have little to offer differently.

"I really, really want to be good at this". This sentence stuck with me.

Just because you don't like bedside nursing, doesn't mean you can't be a good nurse. It doesn't mean you're NOT a good nurse. It's just not what you want.

Being a new nurse is all about finding out where you fit.

If you simply find you don't want to be any kind of nurse, cut your losses and move on. People change course all the time.

[Graduatenurse14]

Get out now!! I don't want to do bedside either but I'm going to try it and I'm going to get out if it gets like this which it seems is a good possibility given that I read so many posts here like yours.

Just because you don't like bedside nursing, doesn't mean you can't be a good nurse. It doesn't mean you're NOT a good nurse. It's just not what you want. Being a new nurse is all about finding out where you fit.

This is true even though it doesn't feel true when so many live and die by the "1-2 years of bedside is a must" adage. It's a shame since nursing is so diverse and bedside is only one of the many options. I believe that this type of thinking by bedside nurses, human resources, nurse managers and nursing instructors and others is one of the problems in nursing today and does a great disservice to many- most importantly, the patients!!!

Good luck to you!!!

[estrellaCR, BSN, RN]

I though Psychiatry was easier to get into...at least in Nyc it is. City hospitals hire new grads all the time into Psych. But many leave months or a year after because they cannot handle the patients but if what you want to do is Psych then its perfect for you. You see everything in city hospital and its a good start toward your NP. I don't know if its a option for you to move but check out employment.nychhc.org (i can give you a recruiter's address if you want send me private message) there's many Psych RN jobs posted (fyi, another term they use for Psych is "Behavioral Health" if you see this being used then it means Psych). You can also try facilities in your area and contact the recruiters via email or phone and tell them how your life's dream is to work in psych. Few new RNs want to work Psych so recruiters and managers hearing that this is your area of interest should be a plus for you.

[Wrench Party]

Please, get help ASAP as mentioned above. Like others have said, it is not the end of the world to not work in the hospital. I did

it for my 1 year, didn't like the bureaucracy and the politics, and decided to get out because I had the opportunity to build different skills and have a different environment in a clinic.

Just think of all the areas outside of the hospital! Schools, clinics, doctor's offices, mental health, hospice, LTC, LTACH, SNF, case management, etc.

[estrellaCR, BSN, RN]

True, there's other settings but toomuch25 has interest in just psych it seems and not schools or clinics/medical offices. There's plenty of outpatient psych jobs such as rehab centers, programs for people with mental illness, residential facilities, etc.

[toomuch25]

Hello all,

I wanted to post and give a quick update. First of all, thank you for the wonderful advice and responses. I cannot tell you how much it helped. It was really nice to hear something besides the "stick it out for one year!" argument.

So, I did try to stick it out for a bit longer. I just started feeling worse and my gut told me to get out now. I went to my manager after my shift and told her. She was concerned and tried to convince me to stay, but I told her that I knew I wasn't a good fit on my unit and wanted to pursue mental health. She was upset that I was leaving "without notice." I was a little taken aback because I still had two more weeks of orientation. I didn't see the point of wasting resources and my preceptor's time if I was planning on leaving. She still said that she would need to put "quit, without notice" on my file and get my shifts covered. What shifts?? So, I even asked her if I could finish out the two weeks of orientation so I could avoid the black mark, and she said no.

She was still trying to be nice, so she asked if there was anything she could do. I couldn't think of anything, but trying to be nice I asked if she had any advice for me. She said that she knows many people that work at the behavioral health hospital within our health system, and had I been more established in the hospital she would be willing to help me get a transfer over there. But she said that she'd still talk to someone from over there anyway and would let them know how well of a job I did, but that my "leaving without notice" would reflect very poorly. I'm still confused about this and wonder why she would even attempt to talk to someone if it's pretty much a lost cause.

Even though I feel a relief from not working there anymore, I can't help but have a sinking feeling. I'm so scared that this will ruin my chances of getting another job. I'm feeling a lot of remorse, but at this point, there's not much I can do anymore.

I'm putting all my energy into taking care of myself and applying for other jobs. I can only hope that things will look up from here.