First of all, I made a "throwaway" account for this post. I post here occasionally and my username is one I use for other accounts, so I want to protect my anonymity as much as possible.
I apologize if this is long, but I'll give some background information first. My dream for a long time was to be in the psychiatric field. I was originally going to get a psychology degree, but after hearing about the not so great market for psych majors, my dad told me to look into nursing. I researched about psych nurses and psych NP's until I was blue in the face and was so happy because it seemed perfect. I immediately finished my pre-reqs and enrolled in nursing school. Nursing school went incredibly well. I am science-minded and enjoy school in general, so the material in theory interested me and I was in love with the idea of how "holistic" nursing care is. After nursing school, I took NCLEX and passed the first time with 75 questions. I was so incredibly happy, I truly felt like nursing was my calling.
I started applying for jobs. Of course, most of my focus was towards psych facilities. Not many were hiring in my area and the clock was ticking. So I decide to apply in other areas so I can at least get some experience and maybe get a chance to utilize those med-surg nursing skills that I'd worked so incredibly hard in school to attain. I very quickly get a call for an interview in a telemetry/step-down at a local community hospital. They quickly hired me and I am on orientation now, 6 weeks in. I can safely say that I have never been so miserable in my life. I tried shaking it off since I am all too aware of the scary first year of nursing and tell myself that these feelings are normal. No matter how much positive self-talk I do, nothing seems to help. I am so in over my head. I work 12 hour nights and have 6-7 patients a shift, and have been almost completely on my own since the second week. My preceptor is very nice and a great nurse, but she doesn't seem to want to answer a lot of my questions. I figure she is still learning herself since she has only been there for 8 months.
I still go in and try to suck it up and manage to get through my shifts, but I absolutely hate what I'm doing every second I'm there. My days off are consumed with thoughts of work and I am crying and having panic attacks almost constantly. I can't sleep during the day and I frequently wake up in a panic. I try so hard and force positive self-talk, but I have no idea to cope at this point. It's gotten to the point where I'm losing a will to live, and these thoughts are beginning to consume me. I'm going to call a psychiatrist to make an appointment on Monday because I'm so terrified. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I DO NOT want to be a nurse anymore. I would give anything to not be a nurse anymore and get back the past few years of my life. But at this point, I don't want to be much of anything.
I know the golden rule is to suck it up for a year, but I honestly have no idea how I'm going to survive feeling like this every day for a year. The quality of my life is so low, how does anyone survive this? I hate sounding whiney, believe me I do. I work hard and have been able to overcome so much in my life. I am a fighter, I cherish life.... I have never been in a situation where I pray for my life to be over.
I know I'm expected to be miserable for awhile, but where is the line? When is it too much? Maybe I'm just not cut out for this.
