I don't know where to begin but here goes. Back in high school and first few years of college, I wanted to be a nurse; however, after my first semester in my nursing program
, I realized it wasn't for me and wanted to switch majors. I'm very introverted and soft-spoken and don't like talking to/dealing with people, patients, and doctors. Problem was that I didn't know what other major to take up, and I was worried my scholarship wouldn't approve since I was already in my third year of college. In the end, I decided to just stick with it and graduate with a BSN despite the fact that nursing school made me depressed. I graduated Spring 2016 and passed the NCLEX in November the same year. I applied at a new private hospital and have been working there a whole month now under different preceptors.
I originally wanted to go PACU because my nursing classmate went straight there and told me how she loved it. The hours are great, it's chill there, and the patients come and go. She and I are similar personality-wise and so I thought I would like it there, too. However, there were already a lot of orientees there at the time and I felt like the hospital didn't want to put me there, so I said I'd settle for medsurg floor. I thought I would be OK with medsurg because my other nursing classmate was telling me how it was chill there and that it wasn't so bad. But when I actually got there, I realized how really busy it was. I misinterpreted what she said, and now I'm regretting having agreed to go to that unit.
The work environment there is positive for the most part, and my coworkers and manager are nice and helpful, but I just hate working on the floor. A couple weeks ago, I talked to my nurse manager about transferring me to PACU since a nurse resigned there. But she told me to just stay in medsurg a couple months to get basic skills down. I don't know exactly when she'll be able transfer me especially since other nurses in my unit plan to transfer, too, and I don't know how much longer I can last being miserable at this job. I hate all the responsibilities I have to deal with. I work 12-hour shifts and get only 30 minutes break. I'm miserable and dread going to work! I'm still on orientation, but I feel like quitting. I'm constantly worried that I hate my job, and I'm so scared of the thought of being on my own soon. I feel so incompetent at work. When patients ask me something, I feel like I don't know the answers most of the time. I'm always unsure of a lot of things and depend on my preceptors when I don't know what to do. I'm slow sometimes because I'm so unmotivated to be there. I feel like I also suffer from low self-esteem issues. Another thing is that I'm worried I may not like PACU either once I get there. I try to read similar topics on this site, and they do help me feel a little better, but it's only temporary. I vent to my boyfriend and friends, but again, it's only temporary. I can't really enjoy my days off because I always go back to thinking that I'm going to dread going to work again later. I get jealous of people who don't have to deal with what I'm dealing.
Don't get me wrong. I respect nurses! My mom is a nurse, and she's very hard-working. I admire all that they do for their patients. It's just that I think nursing isn't for me. It completely clashes with my personality. However, I'm so stuck. I worked hard and sacrificed a lot to get here. I have to pay back my scholarships as well. But at the same time, I'm so depressed. Also, I don't want the hospital to think badly of me for quitting so soon. It's my first actual job; plus, I don't know where else to work. I can work at a clinic, but i don't know if they'll hire me with close to zero experience. I want to go back to school and possibly take something else, but I can't do that at the moment. Need advice! I really don't know what to do anymore.