I lied...a story of how I outright LIED to patient's family.

[JDougRN]

I got the call on the EMS radio around 5 am. This is the usual time we get calls from EMS responding to nursing homes- The nurses are rounding on their patients to give am meds, and they find their residents dead or in distress. An 87 yo female, febrile, and in severe respiratory distress coming in. Pt is a DNR, but family is very involved, is aware, and will meet them in the ER.

I'm alerted that family is in the waiting room before the patient even gets there. I go out and introduce myself, tell them I will be her nurse, and that I will bring them back as soon as I get her settled in the room.

EMS arrives, and carefully transfers their frail burden onto one of my stretchers. You can see the relief on their faces, that they got her here and are able to hand her off before she dies on their watch. I'm now the proud owner of one very ill person. Temp 102+, Respiratory rate 14 and irregular. HR 50's, sat 84% on NRB, I don't need my Littmann to hear the rhonchi- Other hx is advanced dementia, DM, CHF. Has been in the nursing home for about 6 months- her husband had taken care of her at home as long as he could, but it finally got too much for him to manage, as he was also dealing with his own health problems at the age of 92.

I got her settled, and the Doc comes in- I give him the pertinent info- Not a whole lot we can do at this point other than make her comfortable and treat the infection. Chances are poor that she will make it, and we both know it. Doc moves on to deal with people he can help, leaving me in control of this mess.

I bring her visitors in, including her only daughter in her 60's, and several close friends of the family. I get them settled in and TRY explain to them what is going on. They don't get how bad off she is- I try to explain it to them in soft terms- They share with me who she is- a wife, a mother, a friend.I learn her husband is frail and elderly. I strongly suggest that if he is able, that he come. The daughter tells me she is going to leave to go get Dad. I explain that mom could go at any moment, each gasp she takes could be her last. I don't want them to have to deal with the idea that she died without ANY of her family around. But I REALLY wanted her husband there. The daughter calls her husband, who is dispatched to go get him dressed and here.

In this age of technology, we can keep up with a lot of things. I'm updated that son in law is at dad's house, he's getting him dressed, getting him loaded in the car with the wheelchair. I'm watching my patient brady down, 50's, 40's 30's....The monitor is alarming, and my pt.'s daughter sees it. Husband lands in the parking lot, and the son in law is getting him loaded in his wheelchair.

Then she died, no resps, asystole on the monitor. The daughter asks me- "Is she gone?"

"Not yet" I told her her- I gave her some silly answer- the monitor isn't picking up anything because she is so sick. I mute the alarms, turning the monitor away so she can't see the flat line.. I send 2 of my male coworkers to go out and GRAB the husband, RUN him in.

He arrives, looking a bit baffled at the whirlwind of men running out to snatch him out of his van and deliver him to trauma room 3.

I kneel down and introduce myself. I told him. "I'm sorry, but your girl is dying." He looks at me without comprehension. I took his hand, and joined it with his dead wife's. I told him "Your wife is dying right now- tell her you are here, tell her you love her- these are the last things you will be able to tell her....Tell her it's OK to go-"

He grasped her hand and brought it to his temple. "I love you baby....it's OK to go, I'm here."

I waited a minute and placed my stethoscope to her chest, made a big deal pronouncing her time of death as just then.

I lied- she died without her husband.... but that is something they will never know, but I will live with forever. I know I helped the living, but damn, holding this stuff inside hurts. I tried to explain it to my husband when I got home. He didn't get it. This is something I carry inside.

I know my fellow nurses will understand. Thanks for letting me vent and get this out.

[nurse2bchrischris]

Wow this just made me tear up. So beautiful. You're such a wonderful nurse 😊

[SENSUALBLISSINFL, BSN, RN]

What can I possibly say that has not already been said? Your behavior was amazing, and you did it with so much grace. As a new nurse, I hope to if I am ever in the same position, to remember what an amazing difference I can make not only to the patient; after all she was gone, but to the family, who will now have to go on without their loved one, but to live thinking that they were are able to say goodbye.

It is great to have a forum like this, full of peers who have walked your walk and understand you, or those who are new, who can learn from your amazing experience that such a white lie does now hurt anyone and does the opposite.. I am sending you like many, a mountain of cyber hugs . You did good, no.... you did great, you were awesome.

[seasidesoul]

I am absolutely in tears right now. This is so important. You did something truly wonderful for that man.

[Purple_roses]

Thank you so much for sharing this. Tears in my eyes. Keep doing what you do.

[RNforLongTime]

Oh..you definitely did the right thing here. It brought me to tears...these kinds of lies are ok. HUGS OP! You're a great nurse :)

[ChrissyTravis]

*huge bear hugs* This was heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time. That family was lucky to have you there.

[Nursekat77]

That was amazing. What you did was commendable, not a lie. You gave that family comfort in knowing that they were there for her in her last moments. They will continue through their lives knowing that they were there to say good bye and they will be comforted by it. Does the time of death have to be the exact minute someone passes? Personally, I don't think it matters to anyone but the family that made it there on time.

[1deirdre1]

I didn't read through all the comments so please excuse me if this has been said already. You not only gave that family comfort in that womans last moments but you DID NOT LIE. The brain goes on for a time after the heart has stopped and the patient has stopped breathing. It is my understanding that hearing is the last sense to go, chances are good that your dying patient heard her husbands last words and it made it easier for her to go. You are a GREAT nurse. Sadly the best of us beat our selves up when we can't do enough or don't get it right, crappy nurses leave their errors behind them, instead of learning from them. Be proud of what you did it was right and good.

[Jensmom7, BSN, RN]

I'm a Hospice nurse and I just have one thing to say: you are a wonderful nurse, you followed your instinct and did what needed to be done to give comfort to a grieving husband.

It's been said several times already, but you did NOT lie; if you had told the family that there was a chance she could rally, and there was no need to hurry, THAT would have been a lie. And totally reprehensible.

You, my dear, have a good heart. Never stop listening to it.

[Krissy Miller]

Bless you

[kristiemiller1969]

I worked for my local Hospice for 6 1/2 yrs and I couldn't have handled it any better! You did fine. As nurses we sometimes have to tell little white lies not to save our butts, but to protect a family from a lifetime of guilt, heartache and what ifs. Don't feel guilty for doing something wrong, breath a sigh of relief for doing something good.

[gail_c]

I understand. I have never given false hopes but I have lied to families when to be totally. brutally honest would be inhumane, as it was in this case. And you do just have to keep it inside unless you have a nurse buddy you can talk to.........."civilians" just don't understand. And I am crying as I type this, for you, for me, for other nurses, and for the families we lie to in order to protect them from unnecessary pain.