need help--husband died at home

Specialties Cardiac

Published

Hi, First of all, let me say I am a 39 year old nursing student and on Sunday, March 11, my husband died. This may be a long post so please bear with me. You see, I have been beating myself up over everything that happened and if there was anything else I could possibly have done to save him. My husband was 54 years old, had already had two heart attacks and two different bypass surgeries, was a type 2 diabetic on three different kinds of insulin, and numerous other types of medications. He had been awake for a couple of hours and I think he took some meds and possibly his first insulin injection but I don't really know for sure. He was not complaining about any chest pain or anything else. He went and sat down in his favorite recliner and I was talking to him from the kitchen not out of eyesight because the rooms are open-type setup. He didn't answer me so I looked over at him and he had thrown his head back against the chair and his arms had stiffened at his side. I ran over to him and it was as if he was gasping for air; his pulse was irregular and very bradycardic so I called 911 and was performing CPR simultaneously. Several times after I gave rescue breaths, it seemed as if he was almost gasping. I did everything I was told to do by the 911 operator and paramedics were here within 5 minutes. I had 5 paramedics working on him and when they hooked up the monitor I kept hearing them say "asystole". Does this mean that he never had any heart rythm? PLEASE tell me there is nothing else I could have done for him. The truly sad part is that my 5 year old and 14 year old sons were witness to the whole ordeal. I will appreciate any replies. Pam

Specializes in Community Health, Med-Surg, Home Health.

I also want to extend my empathy. This is a horrible thing to happen at any time, and being a nursing student doesn't make it easier. Take the time to grieve and heal. School will be there when your head is in a different frame. This was too tragic of a situation to just jump back into things. And, yes, you did all that you can do at the time. It is easier said than done, but try not to blame yourself.

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Specializes in Rehab, LTC, Peds, Hospice.

I put my 7 month old down for a nap then went to work with my husband on duty. My husband found him not breathing, he did not know CPR, 911 instructed him on the phone. He did not make it. The coroner said it was SIDS. Of course I've wondered if I had been home, would the outcome have been different, but truthfully, in the end all my questions don't change anything, he's still gone and it's completely out of my control. So I don't go there, I focus on what I can control, how I can take the best care of my other children and my husband, which included getting support for me and them. Get involved with a support group and keep going. Friends and family can be wonderful, but can never be in your shoes. They will go on with their lives while you continue to struggle long past the time people expect. Your kids are older, and at a difficult age, they will need lots of support from you that may be hard for you at times. Try and talk openly with them about the good times, not just that moment. I really feel that if we deny ourselves the good memories of the person we loved and focus on that final awful moment, we deny the gift they were and still are in our lives. Be kind to yourself and take things one step at a time. It will get easiar over time, I promise. PM me if you need to!

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Specializes in Retired NICU.

:icon_hug: i am so sorry for your loss. this must seem like a horrible nightmare that will not end. you have a lot of trauma to deal with...the loss of your love and partner in life, the experience of trying to save your husband and not being able to, the pain of having your children watch the whole drama. my heart goes out to you. one thing that i thought of is, at least your children will know that you did everything possible to save their dad. it is human nature to replay events and think maybe we could have done better or differently and gotten a better outcome, when the outcome is not good. you did good. be kind to yourself and let people help you and be there for you and your kids. it's ok for you to share your grief with your kids, they need to see that you are grieving, too.

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Specializes in Acute rehab/geriatrics/cardiac rehab.

Pam - you and your children are in my thoughts and prayers today. You did everything you should do to try to rescue your husband.... Let us know how you are doing....

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Specializes in ICU, SDU, OR, RR, Ortho, Hospice RN.

:icon_hug: Dear Pam

I am just checking in on you.

I pray you are able to let go of your doubts etc and were able to speak to someone about your fears/doubts.

I wish you strength and love at this sad time in your life.

Just try to let go of all the 'yucky' stuff and be there for your children.

If I could hug you I would. I found the hug so there you go.

Sabby

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I am sooooo sorry.

First, it sounds like you did EVERYTHING you could possibly do.

Second, most Diabetics never experience chestpain due to neuropathy.

When you have someone who's physical body has had some much going on, it is really hard to say what really occurred. I know that Type 2 Diabetics are considered cardiac risk factors BEFORE they even have noticable cardiac complications like HTN and hyperlipidemia. So their risk factor goes up when they get the complications.

This is going to be a really hard thing to live through with your kids. Your kids watching the situation will know you did what you could, would have seen that everyone tried to help dad, but you both will have things you will want to work through. I really recommend grief support for yourself, for your kids, and for your teen. I work with kids in these situations and they really experience help and support when they are connected with other kids who have lost a parent and been through a traumatic situation.

Give yourselves time to work through it, but don't go it alone. Again, it sounds like you did what you could do and your husband's body had a lot of burden on it that couldn't have been overcome. If it isn't to late, did you order an autopsy? Sometimes you can get an answer for what caused his death. I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.-kimmercris, arnp

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Specializes in Geriatric, Rehab, Med Surg, Telematry.

I am very sorry to hear about your husband. you did everything you could but it's hard not to beat yourself up. My husband died 2 years ago and I used to think I was a terrible nurse because I could not save him. Looking back there was nothing I could have done either as he was very ill but it was still sooner than anyone expected. Please take care of yourself and your children.

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oh my what you must be going through. Please know you are in my prayers too. My husband is my best friend too, and I think replaying everything in your mind is perfectly normal. although I have never been through anything like this. I replay silly things in my mind that shouldn't even matter, but let alone something like this. you are brave and did everything you could-

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My thoughts, prayers, and hugs go out to you. Please see someone to talk your feelings out. Be good to yourself.

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Specializes in med/surg, Icu/Ccu. ER, PACU, HHC, LTC.

I hope that with the time involved and the caring and compassion from friends and family near and here you are doing as well as can be expected.

I hope you have found that someone or just here to talk with and be assured that you did what was needed, but it was his time and he was ill.

I am sure that you can now look back and even though you did not get to say goodbye like you wanted, you said he was your best friend and I am sure he knew this.

That is why we must live every day like it may be our last and without regret.

Comforting thoughts for you and yours from another nurse that would probably beat herself up as much as you have done.

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Dear Pam and Sons,

I am so sorry about your loss. Nothing anyone can say will truly help. I know. Only time helps alittle, as the grief will fade. My daughters, 4 and 10 at the time, shared a similar loss. My son was stillborn. I truly believe my girls are stronger women for sharing this grief. I am glad your boys were able to see what YOU COULD DO, and that what they saw will be part of them forever. Put your shoulders back and know that you could not have done anymore more than what you did, because hear me... You would have. Please try to include your children in talking about what they saw. And try to share with them how you feel about what happed, and what you were able to do. They stood by in a terrible experience. They need to know that however they reacted to their loss, was perfectly ok. That their feelings be validated, and expressed, (maybe they will grow up to be a nurse or paramedic?) And that it is ok to be angry. I know it is. God Bless.

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Specializes in rehab, antepartum, med-surg, cardiac.

pyseymo,

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds to me like you did everything in your power to help you husband. He may never have had any rhythm other than fine v-fib or asystole.

I hope you have a lot of support around you. Please take care of those two kids and know that our thoughts and prayer are with you.

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