Would this offend you?

[mondkmondk]

I belong to many forums because there are so many pieces of me floating around. Anyway, as we just adopted a baby last year I belong to a huge adoption forum.

Someone there posted that they were having trouble deciding to adopt this certain baby due in a couple months because his mother had been diagnosed bipolar. They were afraid the baby would wind up with it and they didn't feel they could handle a bipolar child.

Now I took great offense to this (doesn't help that I'm bipolar) and replied to their post that the chances of passing this on to the child is like 15% and how would they know if any other baby whose birthparents were healthy might not wind up with bipolar or other illnesses, mental or physiological. They ended up refusing to adopt the baby. This completely incensed me and just goes to show there is still a lot of stigma out there where MI is concerned.

Someone from there PM'ed me on the site and tried to explain to me that all prospective adoptive parents have the right to take on what they feel they can handle. All I can think of though is that little baby who is being judged by his mother's illness.

Am I "right" to be offended? Should I have handled it differently or tried to educate the posters that agreed with them (about 25 agreed and about 7 supported my take on the issue) or what else could I have done or said...this topic comes up a lot in adoption I've noticed, quite sadly too.

Any input appreciated!

Blessings, Michelle

[rn/writer, RN]

It occurs to me that in judging this couple as shallow people who wanted a "perfect" child, we may be guilty ourselves of wanting a "perfect" couple.

We don't know that they were holding out for perfection. We only know that they didn't feel equipped to voluntarily take on this particular child with a family history of bipolar disorder. This doesn't mean that they wouldn't have risen to the challenge had such a child been born to them or that they couldn't do the same if they took in this kid. It only means they didn't think it was the right thing for them to do at this time.

If this child were being passed over for something cosmetic or it had treatable medical problems that the couple just didn't want to bother with, maybe a case could be made that they were unrealistic in their expectations.

Mental illness is not so straightforward. There is much we don't understand about it, and, in many cases, treatments are controversial and come at the high cost of side effects and other fallout. Many folks with MI are able to function well and live healthy and productive lives. Some, however, are not. In this society, we allow and expect people with seriously impaired thinking to make decisions that require a sound mind. In the name of reversing the horrible treatment that MI people used to have inflicted upon them, we are now required to let illness dictate the choices of such vulnerable people, even if they chose differently when they were well. This can prove devastating to those who care about the ill ones.

I don't mean to hijack the thread. Only want to point out that it's easy for us to look at this couple and decide they are selfish and uncaring. Maybe they are only trying to be realistic about how much they have to offer.

As the mother of an adopted (now adult) son with mental health issues, I would urge anyone considering making such a move to weigh their options carefully. Our son was five years old when we got him as a foster child, and we knew much (but not all) about his conditions. We had to think long and hard about making a lifetime commitment to him. Although we did go ahead and adopt him and we love him very much, his life has not been easy for him or for us.

I would much rather see a couple like the one the OP mentioned count the cost and perhaps walk away if they don't feel up to the job than forge ahead out of some sense of moral or social obligation and fail the child in the future.

The reality is that not everyone is equipped to deal with every challenge. That includes the kids who are born to us. Families can fall apart when the stress is greater than they can manage.

I don't think it's wrong for some people to be able to provide more than others. It is what it is. In a Hallmark world, every family would be able to meet the needs of every wanting child. In the real world, we all have limitations and finding a good and lasting fit is more important than proving how noble and selfless you are.

I hope this child finds just the right family and that the couple finds the child that was meant for them.

[suanna]

Offended? No-you can't let the ignorant and down right silly people in the world have that much impact on you. These people may be waiting a very long time to get thier "perfect" risk free child. Considering thier perspective on things, and thier appearant lack of parenting/coping skills you can bet that 14 years after they get thier child (if they ever do) they will have one interesting teenager to deal with- they may have been better off seeking a child with a PiPolar diagnosis- at least that can be managed. Out of control teenager syndrome is almost impossible to treat once it begins. I'm thinking they be checking thier own mental balance by the time they are done. I just pity whatever child they raise.

[neurorn6]

Well let me see, mother in law who was schzo, sister in law who is bi polar, husband who has bi polar tendancies, nah. Life is too short. Bottom line, education is the key. When my daughter was acting out I spoke to one of my shrinks and he gave me tons of information including stats on the possibilites of mental illiness r/t genetics.

Live and let live. We all have to live with our choices. Sometimes we need to remember that we have to walk in our own shoes first and then walk in someone else's. We don't always know all the pieces involved in a person's or a families decision making process.

Anyway, good luck with the newest member of your family. Lots of love and kisses go a long way.

[Jules A, MSN]

it occurs to me that in judging this couple as shallow people who wanted a "perfect" child, we may be guilty ourselves of wanting a "perfect" couple.

we don't know that they were holding out for perfection. we only know that they didn't feel equipped to voluntarily take on this particular child with a family history of bipolar disorder. this doesn't mean that they wouldn't have risen to the challenge had such a child been born to them or that they couldn't do the same if they took in this kid. it only means they didn't think it was the right thing for them to do at this time.

if this child were being passed over for something cosmetic or it had treatable medical problems that the couple just didn't want to bother with, maybe a case could be made that they were unrealistic in their expectations.

mental illness is not so straightforward. there is much we don't understand about it, and, in many cases, treatments are controversial and come at the high cost of side effects and other fallout. many folks with mi are able to function well and live healthy and productive lives. some, however, are not. in this society, we allow and expect people with seriously impaired thinking to make decisions that require a sound mind. in the name of reversing the horrible treatment that mi people used to have inflicted upon them, we are now required to let illness dictate the choices of such vulnerable people, even if they chose differently when they were well. this can prove devastating to those who care about the ill ones.

i don't mean to hijack the thread. only want to point out that it's easy for us to look at this couple and decide they are selfish and uncaring. maybe they are only trying to be realistic about how much they have to offer.

as the mother of an adopted (now adult) son with mental health issues, i would urge anyone considering making such a move to weigh their options carefully. our son was five years old when we got him as a foster child, and we knew much (but not all) about his conditions. we had to think long and hard about making a lifetime commitment to him. although we did go ahead and adopt him and we love him very much, his life has not been easy for him or for us.

i would much rather see a couple like the one the op mentioned count the cost and perhaps walk away if they don't feel up to the job than forge ahead out of some sense of moral or social obligation and fail the child in the future.

the reality is that not everyone is equipped to deal with every challenge. that includes the kids who are born to us. families can fall apart when the stress is greater than they can manage.

i don't think it's wrong for some people to be able to provide more than others. it is what it is. in a hallmark world, every family would be able to meet the needs of every wanting child. in the real world, we all have limitations and finding a good and lasting fit is more important than proving how noble and selfless you are.

i hope this child finds just the right family and that the couple finds the child that was meant for them.

thank you so much for sharing your first hand insight, without it people are just refereeing from the cheap seats, imo. your son is as lucky to have found you as you are to have found him and i hope life is kind to him.

i would guess that many people have never seen the most severe outcomes of mental illness, fetal alcohol syndrome or being born drug addicted. the worst cases can be devastating for families physically, emotionally and financially. sadly it is naive to think that love and a safe home is enough is some cases.

[suanna]

It occurs to me that in judging this couple as shallow people who wanted a "perfect" child, we may be guilty ourselves of wanting a "perfect" couple.

We don't know that they were holding out for perfection. We only know that they didn't feel equipped to voluntarily take on this particular child with a family history of bipolar disorder. This doesn't mean that they wouldn't have risen to the challenge had such a child been born to them or that they couldn't do the same if they took in this kid. It only means they didn't think it was the right thing for them to do at this time.

If this child were being passed over for something cosmetic or it had treatable medical problems that the couple just didn't want to bother with, maybe a case could be made that they were unrealistic in their expectations.

Mental illness is not so straightforward. There is much we don't understand about it, and, in many cases, treatments are controversial and come at the high cost of side effects and other fallout. Many folks with MI are able to function well and live healthy and productive lives. Some, however, are not. In this society, we allow and expect people with seriously impaired thinking to make decisions that require a sound mind. In the name of reversing the horrible treatment that MI people used to have inflicted upon them, we are now required to let illness dictate the choices of such vulnerable people, even if they chose differently when they were well. This can prove devastating to those who care about the ill ones.

I don't mean to hijack the thread. Only want to point out that it's easy for us to look at this couple and decide they are selfish and uncaring. Maybe they are only trying to be realistic about how much they have to offer.

As the mother of an adopted (now adult) son with mental health issues, I would urge anyone considering making such a move to weigh their options carefully. Our son was five years old when we got him as a foster child, and we knew much (but not all) about his conditions. We had to think long and hard about making a lifetime commitment to him. Although we did go ahead and adopt him and we love him very much, his life has not been easy for him or for us.

I would much rather see a couple like the one the OP mentioned count the cost and perhaps walk away if they don't feel up to the job than forge ahead out of some sense of moral or social obligation and fail the child in the future.

The reality is that not everyone is equipped to deal with every challenge. That includes the kids who are born to us. Families can fall apart when the stress is greater than they can manage.

I don't think it's wrong for some people to be able to provide more than others. It is what it is. In a Hallmark world, every family would be able to meet the needs of every wanting child. In the real world, we all have limitations and finding a good and lasting fit is more important than proving how noble and selfless you are.

I hope this child finds just the right family and that the couple finds the child that was meant for them.

Such a long post to be quoted twice but I had to respond. Anyone striving for a child needs to realize that the challanges of bringing up a kid are extreme, with the rewards being just as grand. To out of hand dismiss a child because there is a remote chance they may hae PiPolar disorder may have been an honest apprasial on thier parts of thier parenting abilities. I just feel if that is going to be too great a stretch of thier coping skills they need to reevaluate if they can handle parenting on any level. The average child will offer you challanges that make BiPolar issues seem like a day at the park.

[rn/writer, RN]

Such a long post to be quoted twice but I had to respond. Anyone striving for a child needs to realize that the challanges of bringing up a kid are extreme, with the rewards being just as grand. To out of hand dismiss a child because there is a remote chance they may hae PiPolar disorder may have been an honest apprasial on thier parts of thier parenting abilities.

A child who has a parent with bipolar disorder has more than a "remote chance" of ending up with the condition themselves. Estimates range from a one-in-six chance to a one-in-three chance of a child with one bipolar parent having the same disorder. In addition, as many as one third of people with bipolar disorder choose not to have biological children because they know firsthand what it is to live with the disorder and hesitate to pass it on to their offspring.

Add to this that bipolar disorder is often coupled with substance abuse issues (people who know something is wrong with them frequently try to self-medicate), and you will see that the challenges connected with this condition are many.

I just feel if that is going to be too great a stretch of thier coping skills they need to reevaluate if they can handle parenting on any level.

It seems as if you are saying that unless you can manage a child with a (possibly severe) mental illness that you may not be able to handle any sort of parenting. That's like saying we shouldn't allow people to hike and climb in any mountain range unless they're prepared to tackle Everest. Many kids have manageable mental illnesses, but there are some for whom success is elusive and fragile. Their circumstances test every relationship they have. It isn't wrong to look long and hard before jumping into such a commitment.

The average child will offer you challanges that make BiPolar issues seem like a day at the park.

After decades of being a parent and foster parent to many kids as well as years working in child and adolescent psych, I have to say that this statement does not ring true with my experience. Bipolar kids have needs that range far beyond those of "regular kids." Often, they don't understand what is happening to them. They only know that they want to be like everyone else and they aren't. Like any adolescents with chronic health problems, they don't always agree to take their meds, and because they want to feel better, they frequently fall into substance abuse and risky behavior of all kinds.

In our case, (and potentially in the case of this young couple) we had adoption and attachment disorder complications as well. But even without these side issues, bipolar kids can be troubled and intense in ways that test parents to the max.

To say that the average kid will offer challenges that make bipolar issues seem like a walk in the park indicates an extremely atypical form of bipolar disorder--one that I have yet to run across. There might be seasons (or sometimes just moments) of relative tranquility, but I would never call living with bipolar disorder a walk in the park.

I don't mean to paint a totally bleak picture. Our son is a beloved family member, but we all--he included--carry scars from his growing years. We drew closer, but some families do not.

Would we adopt him if we had it to do over again? Yes. But I can't find it in my heart to feel judgmental toward a young couple that doesn't jump in with both feet.

I hope the child in question has a life ahead that is mentally safe and healthy. Barring that, I hope he or she will be placed in exactly the right home where the marriage is strong enough to weather adversity, the parents are tenaciously committed to finding whatever help is necessary, and the siblings are capable of great patience and compassion.

[suanna]

reply to rn/writer "A child who has a parent with bipolar disorder has more than a "remote chance" of ending up with the condition themselves. Estimates range from a one-in-six chance to a one-in-three chance of a child with one bipolar parent having the same disorder. In addition, as many as one third of people with bipolar disorder choose not to have biological children because they know firsthand ........."

I never intended to belittle what you have gone through in managing a child with special needs. I am sure every child is unique. I just see bipolar disorder as a managable condition. We are not talking about schizophrenia- with a loss of contact with reality, or MS/MD CP with profound often progressive physical needs and complications. Even Downs- despite all we know we have little impact on the long term outcomes. Children are such a precious gift. The oppertunity to adopt is not readily available for most couples. My wife was unable to concive with me- my daughters are step children. If I had the opportunity to adopt a ahild with a 1 in 3 chance in having a medically managable mental illness- especialy one I was forwarned about and could intervene earily in their development if the need arose, I can't imaging turning down that chance to love and nuture a child. The post sounded like the couple wanted a guarentee of a perfect, illness free child. It's thier choice- I can't argue with thier decision, but I have a hard time understanding being unwiling to consider this child just because of a chance they may have a treatable medical condition with every chance of a unimpaired, happy, productive life even if the condition occurs. My wife has been diagnosed as BiPolar, I have one granddaughter with Downs, another with ADHD. I wouldn't trade any of them for the most "perfect" child in the world. They are great just the way they are and if it takes a little more effort to help them through it seems like a small price to pay to have them in my life. We will have to agree to disagree- I respect your opinion and always enjoy your posts.

[Jules A, MSN]

I just see bipolar disorder as a managable condition.

It's thier choice- I can't argue with thier decision, but I have a hard time understanding being unwiling to consider this child just because of a chance they may have a treatable medical condition with every chance of a unimpaired, happy, productive life even if the condition occurs.

Please do some research on BiPolar because in my experience it is rarely a "mild, manageable condition". There are definitely people like your wife that easily find a medication that helps them and that they are willing to remain on who can live a happy, peaceful life but there are many others that really struggle.

My wife has been diagnosed as BiPolar, I have one granddaughter with Downs, another with ADHD. I wouldn't trade any of them for the most "perfect" child in the world. They are great just the way they are and if it takes a little more effort to help them through it seems like a small price to pay to have them in my life. We will have to agree to disagree- I respect your opinion and always enjoy your posts.

I commend you for your attitude and agree that the kids in my life that some people might consider less than perfect are the most special however as a nurse who deals with this first hand 5+ days a week please take my word that we are not talking about needing "a little more effort to deal with". There are many cases with bipolar disease where medication, love and support are not enough to keep these children and their families safe.

[agw505]

Even as a nurse I never really understood MI, that is until I was diagnosed with depression after losing my job of 27 years.

The shrink tried to say I was Bi-polar. I started researching everything I could and decided that I am not. I have had more adverse reactions to meds to try to 'fix' my problems until I decided that I am better off working from a different angle.

My whole family (paternal and maternal) have always had some MI issues, most are just hitting on every other piston. Stress was my problem, I talked about it, worked it out and am fine now. Praying has always helped. I turn it over to God, then reach right up and grab it back!

I agree with the post about teens, my two were trouble, I wish they had a diagnosis of anything to explain their actions.

After I read what I wrote I feel that everyone knows their capabilities, they need to go with their own gut feelings about choosing a child. I raised two, I don't envy anyone today having to worry about what theirs will turn out like.

It's after midnight, I need to get a life!

[winsteadcm]

Thats just not giving a child a chance. I would never neglect or reject a kid cause of an illness. I guess if those are the type of ppl they are though, then their loss. They really could be missing out on a wonderful chance.

i agree 100%. i myself would never reject a child because of illness, however if those people would, i wouldn't want them to end up with a child like that. the child probably wouldn't get the care it needed.

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

I will share that as the biological parents of a mentally ill adult, heartbreaking and difficult don't even begin to tell what are lives are like.

I would only wish them peace with their decision. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I would never fault anyone who knew ahead of time that their child stood a good chance of being mentally ill and opting out of the adoption before placement.

[Babs0512]

I know how you feel Trauma - for reasons I won't get into, I've had to come to the reluctant acceptance that the police may have come knocking on my door due to my dd. She, thankfully, grew up and away from her bad influences. She has BPD, but that is controlled with counseling and meds. She was very close to my stepson. He committed suicide in 2004. My husband and I have pondered this over and over again. Why did ds die, and the most troubled of our children live. We believe our sons death, saved our daughter. We don't understand why it happened, but God must have a plan.

It's horrible to have no choice but to sit by and know your beloved child is teetering on the brink, but sit by you must. Please know, it is his choice to make, and only he can change the path his life takes. Try to accept this fact. It's too bad, love in and of itself, cannot fix anything.

I hope things improve for your son and your family

Just know, even though it feels like it, your not alone.

God Bless