Will it wreck me? Would it wreck you?

[NurseDaddy2006]

I'd been - up until now - thinking that I want to go into Labor and Delivery. I've posted before about what it took for my wife and I to finally have our son. 10 years of infertility battles, then 3 miscarriages, then full term stillbirth of our first son, then finally our true miracle boy (who will be 4 in February) and then 4 more miscarriages since him. So, having been through the worst, and the best, I want to be there for those who are going through what I've gone through.

But then I started thinking about my emotional fortitude. What if every time I see a happy outcome, a family getting to take home their new bundle of joy, I hurt inside because I so wanted to give our boy a sibling and we cant. And what if when someone does go through the worst, and I'm there for them, and doing what I know helped my wife and I when it was our time. What if that just totally wrecks me? Part of me thinks it will help me grow, and it will help me feel gratified in what I will be doing. But part of me thinks it will hurt too much.

Or, in terms someone not in my situation might understand: If you'd lost someone to cancer, could you work in oncology and feel like you were going to be OK, that you'd be doing something for the greater good, something that makes it ok for someone else, or would it hurt you too much?

I did get the opportunity to transfer for next semester to the section that will be going to OB clincals at the hospital we delivered our boys, where I'd thought I wanted to work. And now that I'm faced with it, I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to deal with it.

ND

[Jolie, BSN]

Thanks for the replies.

Today I went to the park with my son, and wound up telling my story over and over, how I'm a nursing student and all. I said to three mothers that I'm planning on being in L&D. They all said "that's nice, good for you".

The fourth mom I told graduated from the same school I'm going to. She's an RN, in L&D. And, she shot me down. Bluntly told me "guys try to work LD, but they don't last long because the women don't like them. So, you won't get in." In the next breath, she's telling me how so many of the doctors are male, and they're accepted, but lots of women, and the fathers-to-be, ask for a different nurse if a male is assigned to them.

Gee, thanks. I'm not letting that stop me.

ND

Good! Don't let it!

I have a little different perspective on your situation.

From the moment I entered nursing school, my only desire was to work in Maternal-Child Health. I started in a NICU as a new grad, and eventually worked in an LDRP unit as well. All the while, hubby and I struggled with infertility. Nine long years to have a healthy baby. People who knew of our situation constantly asked me how I handled it. I guess there were 2 answers to that question: First of all, I was doing what I loved, and the only thing that had ever interested me. I couldn't imagine working in another area of nursing any more than I could imagine going to work to work as an accountant every day. Secondly, in the NICU, I was caring for families who were experiencing crises of their own. No one signs up for parenthood dreaming of spending months in the NICU at the bedside of a critically ill infant. The experience taught me that there are challenges and heartbreaks even when our dreams come true. That was the best preparation I could have ever received for my own complicated pregnancies, loss, emergent deliveries, and premature daughter.

Best to you!

[Dayray, RN]

Nursedaddy I think you already know what I have to say about discrimination and guys in L&D so I'll just say forget what that RN in the park said, it's horse @#*^.

As for working in an area where you have strong personal and emotional ties, I think it has much to do with the individual. For some those experiences and feelings will allow you to better care for your patients. For others it would be a constant source of pain.

I know for myself a big part of what moved me out of other areas and into L&D were personal issues. I have a special needs child who is often very ill. When I first started working in healthcare she wasn't that sick and I didn't think about my personal feelings while caring for patients. However a few years back I realized that if I were ever faced with the choice I wouldn't choose drastic life saving efforts for her. I just can't see putting her threw surgery or heroic measures to prolong her suffering.

After that I found it increasingly harder to care for patients who were suffering. I found myself ethically and emotionally challenged when doing things to prolong their lives even though they were in pain and always would be. I'm not just talking about people with pain or some health or mental problems. Some people are happy even if they are in pain or can't walk. I'm talking about the people who veg out in nursing homes and cry all the time.

I don't have any problem caring for people and making them comfortable. So I thought about hospice. Then I found L&D and it's been great for me.

Just let your heart guide you, You'll figure out where your supposed to work.

[NHNurseMan]

Thanks for the replies.

Today I went to the park with my son, and wound up telling my story over and over, how I'm a nursing student and all. I said to three mothers that I'm planning on being in L&D. They all said "that's nice, good for you".

The fourth mom I told graduated from the same school I'm going to. She's an RN, in L&D. And, she shot me down. Bluntly told me "guys try to work LD, but they don't last long because the women don't like them. So, you won't get in." In the next breath, she's telling me how so many of the doctors are male, and they're accepted, but lots of women, and the fathers-to-be, ask for a different nurse if a male is assigned to them.

Gee, thanks. I'm not letting that stop me.

ND

NurseDaddy,

I too wanted to be an OB nurse, I love children and the most wonderful moment of my life was holding my babies for the first time. That being said, and totally empathizing with your reasons, I must warn you that you may run into the very situation that your L&D alum brought up.

I did my OBL&D rotation last spring and I gotta tell ya, I still love kids, but it is very difficult to understand what a woman goes through during labor, delivery, post-partum etc. The birthing process is something I am not equipped (literally) to deal with. I tip my hat to you for wanting to be in L & D, but I must say that in my experience it is a place that a man may not be suited for.

I'll probably get flamed for saying this, I am only being honest with you.

Most of the women I dealt with had no problem with me, the nurses on the floor had no problem with me, in fact I had very few problems on that rotation. The thing was, the women in labor and post labor have issues (emotional primarily) that I simply don't understand. They didn't care that I was checking and changing pads, feeding their babies if needed, performing assessments on both the mom and the baby; the deal for me was that I didn't fit. I talked to my instructor about it, and she told me that it is not uncommon for males to want to be L&D nurses; it is only after the rotation they find out what L&D is really about.

Don't get me wrong, I wish you nothing but the best and I hope that L & D is a perfect fit for you, but don't feel like it is the end of the world if you find it isn't what you expected.

Merry Christmas to all,

Leprakan

[Dayray, RN]

NurseDaddy,

I too wanted to be an OB nurse, I love children and the most wonderful moment of my life was holding my babies for the first time. That being said, and totally empathizing with your reasons, I must warn you that you may run into the very situation that your L&D alum brought up.

I did my OBL&D rotation last spring and I gotta tell ya, I still love kids, but it is very difficult to understand what a woman goes through during labor, delivery, post-partum etc. The birthing process is something I am not equipped (literally) to deal with. I tip my hat to you for wanting to be in L & D, but I must say that in my experience it is a place that a man may not be suited for.

I'll probably get flamed for saying this, I am only being honest with you.

Most of the women I dealt with had no problem with me, the nurses on the floor had no problem with me, in fact I had very few problems on that rotation. The thing was, the women in labor and post labor have issues (emotional primarily) that I simply don't understand. They didn't care that I was checking and changing pads, feeding their babies if needed, performing assessments on both the mom and the baby; the deal for me was that I didn't fit. I talked to my instructor about it, and she told me that it is not uncommon for males to want to be L&D nurses; it is only after the rotation they find out what L&D is really about.

Don't get me wrong, I wish you nothing but the best and I hope that L & D is a perfect fit for you, but don't feel like it is the end of the world if you find it isn't what you expected.

Merry Christmas to all,

Leprakan

-Good post

I don't think you should be flamed in fact quite the contrary. Your right many are not suited for this area. There are allot of issues some are not well equipped to deal with. It's also true that many men would find it difficult to relate to a women in L&D.

Still I have to point out that even though a man may not be able to experience the physical things that cause the emotions a women experiences in labor and post partum that doesn't mean they can't understand them.

Pain, fear, sadness, anger, joy etc etc etc.. are universal and weather or not one can birth a child has nothing to do with it. The biggest challenge for a man in L&D is getting past the programming we have received (both in our own minds and in others). It's not cool for a guy to be sensitive and guys find them selves challenged in that regard. Some because they don't like the emotional stuff and others because they feel that as men they shouldn't be emotional. Heck some women find it challenging. I respect anyone who has the guts to say, "hey it's not for me".

I think you make a very good point here and one that many don't realize. L&D isn't just about birth or just about the medical care of patients. A very big part of OB is the social and emotional aspect. It's every bit as important as the other stuff and one should be prepared to deliver emotionally appropriate care.

Maybe you should try nursery. You might like that. Lot's of babies but allot less dealing with the emotional stuff.

[NurseDaddy2006]

I do agree, that was a great post NHNM...

Honest, and reality based. Very much so.

I for one have always had an easy time dealing with emotion, both sharing and listening, and I've never viewed myself as being very macho. My wife thinks I'm a big mush, manly, but not macho. I think I could relate to both of the parents in a birth situation.

I passed my 203 final yesterday. So I'm on to 204, with clinical rotation in the LD area where we had our boys. Something tells me I'll really know then.

Looking forward to crossing that bridge when I come to it.

ND

[MJ-12]

I do agree, that was a great post NHNM...

Honest, and reality based. Very much so.

I for one have always had an easy time dealing with emotion, both sharing and listening, and I've never viewed myself as being very macho. My wife thinks I'm a big mush, manly, but not macho. I think I could relate to both of the parents in a birth situation.

I passed my 203 final yesterday. So I'm on to 204, with clinical rotation in the LD area where we had our boys. Something tells me I'll really know then.

Looking forward to crossing that bridge when I come to it.

ND

Just wanted to give in my 2 cents.

I am a guy and when i did L & D i got turned away from 3 live births. 2 of them said yes at first but when I walked into the room they changed their minds. I guess when they saw that I was a guy that changed their mind. The only thing that hurts the most is when I get asked into the room and they have to walk back to the professor and ask for a new assignment.

Only 1 of my patient's was not afraid of me being in the room. She just said, oh time to breast feed. woop off came her top and the baby was drinking away.

I am sure the experience is different for everyone and I hope the best for you.

Just remember if L & D is what you want to do, GO FOR IT.

Best of Luck to you.

PS - For all the guys that keep getting booted out of a live birth go hang out with the new borns in the nursery. New borns don't care if you are guy /girl /green / blue / and have 6 eyes. All they want is for you to change them, hold them, and feed them.

I had the best time in the nursery. Babies are just really fun and cute to hang with, no negative vibes what so ever from any one of them.

[DutchgirlRN, ASN, RN]

I've suffered two second trimester miscarriges. Both children genetically normal. I then worked in L&D for 12 years. The good outcomes definately outweighed the bad. I was able to take care of the bad without becoming personally upset and I think because I understood I was able to make a difference to the patient especially in talking to them. They knew I was speaking from experience. With that said I have to be honest. I realize there is nothing wrong with a male L&D nurse (actually I think it's a cool profession for a Daddy) I just don't think I personally would be comfortable with a male nurse as my L&D nurse. Don't everyone attack me this is just "my" personal opinion of how I would feel. I think this would be more of an obstacle to you than your personal experience. Good Luck.

[Littlewonder]

I have dealt with this issue as I have worked LDRP for several years now and have miscarried three times while working LDRP. It really hurts in the middle of a miscarriage or when seeing someone who does not want or really is not caring for her baby. Otherwise I can fairly easily set aside the personal and focus on my patient and the joy they have with the birth of their miracle.

As far as being a guy? Does not matter. I can not deal with ICU (tried for a year, could not handle all the death.) Whether you can enjoy OB will be a personal thing that you won't know until you have experienced it. As for the patients, some will be be great, some will be hesitant, but almost all will just be glad for competent and compassionate nursing care. I would not mind male nurses in OB caring for me. I do really hate seeing the male and female OB's do not hesitate to cut a huge epis for no reason - totally depends on practice, not gender...

[Chaya, ASN, RN]

NurseDaddy I think it depends on how far you've come personally in resolving your own feelings. One of my clinicals in Rehab/ LTC was at the facility where my Mom had died two years previously. I had worked out a lot of things by that time and had healed enough to have gained some perspective on the process patients and families go through with terminal cancer. I feel that (with the distancing effect from the passage of time) my personal experience gave me greater compassion and understanding for my patients at that time and overall has allowed me to give perhaps a deeper level of nursing care.

Follow your heart on this one.

[Dayray, RN]

I just don't think I personally would be comfortable with a male nurse as my L&D nurse. Don't everyone attack me this is just "my" personal opinion of how I would feel. I think this would be more of an obstacle to you than your personal experience. Good Luck.

I realize this wasn’t an attack and please please don't think I am flaming you.

I just want make a point here. Dutchgirl is being very nice and un judgmental in her statement here. It is of course the right of every patient, nurse or non-nurse to decide what they are comfortable with.

This however is the root of a male nurses problems in nursing and particularly OB. It's not that patients necessarily have a problem with men in OB it's that nurses have personal feelings and assume that patients will share their views. Dutchgirl doesn’t make a blanket statement here and that is why I'm not bothered by her statement still though you can see that there is an assumption that this will be an obstacle.

I have worked in L&D and PP for near to four years. It is very rare that patients have problems with me as a male in L&D in fact it comes up about 3 times a year. Much more often I have to deal with nurses ideas about me. In the past they were oppressive and malicious. Now I work with a great group of nurses. Still though from time to time things come up. I still occasionally find myself dealing with other nurse’s ideas about what is proper or improper for me as a male.

At the end of the day you just have to judge for yourself what is right.

I always ask myself questions before doing things that are "questionable"

1. Is the patient comfortable with it?

2. Could this come under scrutiny for reasons other then my gender? (Or if I weren’t "different" from other OB nurses would this even be a questionable situation)

3. What are my coworkers going to think of this and can I live with that (this shouldn’t be an issue but it is and bears consideration)

4. Is there a benefit to the patient in having me rather then someone else performing this action? (This is the single most important question for me, it is what has motivated me to study, practice and become the best nurse I can.)

DutchgirlRN I am sorry for using you as an example here because once again I don't feel that you were being inappropriate at all or wish to engage in an argument over your personal feelings.

What I would rather do is to point out that the OP was in regards to weather or not personal experiences would interfere with a choice of area to specialize. Still the discussion has inevitably been drawn back to his gender. This is an important point because any man considering OB needs to understand this. No matter how good a nurse you are and no matter how tiny an issue you have, Your gender will always be a variable in the equation. You will always need to consider how that one aspect impacts your practice as a nurse. At times it becomes nauseating but it is important.

It’s one of the many things you have to weigh against your desire to work OB. For me it’s worth all the downfalls to continue doing what I do. Still sometimes it becomes a close race between my love for OB and my fatigue at dealing with the “male” issue.

[Undecided7]

I don't understand the argument that men can't understand what a women is going through in labor/delivery. I mean obviously they can't know first hand, but what about L&D female nurses that have never had a child? Would I have to have a heart attack in order to care for a cardiac pt.? I've never broken a bone, but can I still empathize and provide good care to someone with a fx?

As for students, I would say do the nursing clinicals and see what you think. I was SURE I wanted to be psych RN (even got my BA in psych), but I didn't like my clinicals- my heart was in L&D (even though I don't even have or even like kids- which was fine because after baby is out- nursery and PP nurses take over). I loved the process- and thought it was amazing anyone could live through it. I aced my clinicals and even did my senior internship in L&D. Once I was in the "real world" it was different. I was disappointed in the "assembly line" approach where I was at and total disregard for nature (if someone came in at 8 cm we still put them Pitocin and popped their bag-- it was "get em in/get em out/NEXT". Also, I felt a little jaded watching the drug addicts on welfare having 7 kids with 7 (absent) fathers with no plans for birth control, and then a loving, educated family that was stuggling with infertility and complicated pregnancies. I mean seriously, does crack make you more fertile???

I did hospice next and now critical care and I still haven't found my niche. Good luck to you and don't be discouraged. People should realize that nurses see so many lady partss and memberes, I seriously doubt your L&D nurse is going to be looking at your bloody, mucous filled, swollen and sweaty privates (with a hairy head coming out of it) with lustful eyes. I mean really- he probably won't even be looking at his wife with lustful eyes after that.

[megsmommy04]

I'll tell you an unrelated story, then tie it in.

When I was in nursing school, I took care of this health care worker that had a baby. Now this healthcare worker worked with disabled children.

Beautiful baby, but a down's baby. She took 1 look and said, "Take it away, put it up for adoption - I never want to see her again."

I had to go through the next clinical day dealing w/ the weeping and crying and mourning of the family of this lady that were told (by her) that the baby was stillborn and then go back and help take care of this beautiful child.

It took every ounce of fortitude to keep my mouth shut. For the life of me, I don't know how I kept from being flunked out of nursing school that day.

It was every bit as bad as taking care of the crack babies and then trying to be civil to those moms.

But what I kept thinking - why I kept thinking this was so wrong: who on earth would be better equipped to deal with this child than this parent? It's like she was specially prepared to be this mom for this child. And she walked away from her. In my opinion, she walked away from the greatest joys and greatest trials of her life. And I'm sure her life is poorer as a result.

Now let me tie it in:

Who on earth is better prepared for both the laughs - and the tears - of childbirth than you? If that is your destiny, how could you walk away from it?

As far as challenging your fortitude - it is my experience that most people haven't begun to challenge the limits of their strength. Let me humbly suggest that that applies to you as well.

Only you can decide what is your destiny. But if your destiny has found you, you can't walk away because you're afraid. There is a direct relationship between things that have the capability of shaking your core and things that are worth your investment.

If your destiny is staring you in the face, don't blink.

~faith,

Timothy.

I just wanted to say that even though I was not the one who had the original post, you said some very touching things to this person that I found to be very inspiring to me, i can only imagine that he will feel the same.

Thanks